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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

...Or are our friends?

403 replies

flyfree1394 · 28/02/2016 10:12

Have three DDs aged 14, 12 and 9.

Very good friends announced their engagement a few months ago and invited the DDs to be flower girls - all three delighted.

Have now received formal invitation.

It says on it that no child under 10 can attend. DD3 is 9, will still be 9 at the time of the wedding.

Contacted friends to check that DD3 was still a flower girl.

Basically they want her there for the ceremony, pictures etc, but she won't be allowed to come to the reception/party afterwards. In short DD3 is expected to sit through a long ceremony, pose for pictures, look like a little angel, etc, then watch her sisters go to a fun party that she can't attend. We are expected to sort out childcare in a place that is miles from our home.

AIBU to think this is absolutely ridiculous?

OP posts:

paxillin · 28/02/2016 12:24

"None of us can attend, we are 5 not 4. Hope you have a lovely wedding."

magoria · 28/02/2016 12:24

So you go out of your way? Miles from anywhere? Get the girls all dressed up for a couple of hours, ceremony & pictures for people who are deliberately excluding your DD3 after her usefulness is done?

Why are you being so considerate for them when they have made it bluntly clear what your DD3 is to them?

Let your DH go alone if it means that much to him that he is best man and you and your DD's all do something lovely and special together.

theDudesmummy · 28/02/2016 12:24

I wouldn't put myself in the position of basically begging her to change her mind. Someone who could behave like this in the first place would no longer be a friend and I wouldn't go to the wedding whatever she did now.

MissTurnstiles · 28/02/2016 12:26

Actually, thinking about this more - this is a really important example to set your DD1. It will be very good for her to see you demonstrate that you do not need to put yourself out to accommodate unreasonable, selfish behaviour from other people. It has taken me thirty-three years to recognise and begin to address the people-pleasing that was hard-wired into me.

Oldraver · 28/02/2016 12:28

I agree with all or nothing, I would not let DD3 be used in this way.

The bride is bonkers

OliviaBenson · 28/02/2016 12:29

What does your DH think to all this OP?

Original poster

flyfree1394 · 28/02/2016 12:30

I think we can skip the wedding. Although what they have done is incredibly inconsiderate, DH and groom have been best friends from the age of 13, so their friendship can survive! This is so totally out of character for the bride, she is usually so thoughtful and lovely. They are our best friends.

Perhaps we don't go to the wedding but then go on a weekend away with them to celebrate thir marriage?

OP posts:

SouthWesterlyWinds · 28/02/2016 12:31

This seems v unfair. Do you think 10 is the cut off age as they don't want other guests children to attend and unfortunately DD3 is caught in the crossfire? Unless that's the specific reason why then it's seriously bad form.

Original poster

flyfree1394 · 28/02/2016 12:31

DH thinks it's as ludicrous as all of you do

It is just a church wedding and then receptiom in hotel afterwards so there is no venue age limit

OP posts:

MorrisZapp · 28/02/2016 12:35

None of this makes sense. You're planning not to attend your best friends wedding, and your DH back out of being best man, over a written invite that hasn't been discussed in real life yet?

Are you seriously saying the couple are banning your youngest and have said as much to your faces, and if so how did they react when you said thats er, a bit tricky?

Nobody behaves like this. There's an easy way to sort it out and that is by having a conversation.

Myredcardigan · 28/02/2016 12:35

Please don't go along with your dd1's suggestion. This couple don't deserve their perfect pictures after the way they've treated you as a family. There is no way we would go. All or nothing.

They are basically telling you that your children are good enough to be photographed but not good enough to sit and eat with. Appalling behaviour. Please decline.

evelynj · 28/02/2016 12:36

This is awful, agree with pp about ringing & saying so you want us all there for ceremony & photos, then send dd3 away while we're at party?

If she says yes, say 'surely you can see why we can't do this, dd3 would be devestated' & then go over your options as you see it, nobody goes, just dh, or all the girls leave after photos & see what she says. Ask her if she has any other fair suggestions.

I hate all the brides thing of 'it's my day, I'll have it my way' is it just an excuse to be nuts?

No matter what happens, if she concedes to allow dd3 there, your relationship is now tainted because of her madness.

Millymollymoo8 · 28/02/2016 12:37

Decline, explain you can't leave one child out, your desperately torn but have to put your child first.

Then wait for them to change there stupid rule.

Myredcardigan · 28/02/2016 12:37

There's no way my DH would agree to still be best man under these circumstances. No way.

SueLawleyandNicholasWitchell · 28/02/2016 12:37

If you don't go then the friendship is over. There won't be any lovely weekend away with them later. But that would be down to her not you.

DH should go - he is best man and that is his long term friend.

You and the girls don't go. If she is happy for dd3 to be part of the bridal party but not part of the reception because she is 9 weeks too young then that is utterly pathetic, insensitive and insulting.

"DH is of course happy to be best man to (your fiancé) but unfortunately I am not willing to be part of the reception party from which my child will be excluded, on the basis that she will be 9 weeks too young. Dd1, dd2, dd3 and I will therefore not be able to attend"

SleepyBoBo · 28/02/2016 12:39

I have to say, I think they have been pretty shit friends.

'As our oldest friends, we want you all to be a big part of the day, treat you like part of our family. Until we have our naice pictures, then your youngest daughter can bugger off. Don't care to where or how. Of course, the rest of you are still being treated like old friends, please come spend the rest of the day with us.....'.

You're a bigger person than I, if this doesn't leve a dent on your relationship with them.

theDudesmummy · 28/02/2016 12:39

My DH would not have gone under those circumstances either. Children before friends, no matter how longstanding the friendship.

NuggetofPurestGreen · 28/02/2016 12:40

Morris
^Contacted friends to check that DD3 was still a flower girl.

Basically they want her there for the ceremony, pictures etc, but she won't be allowed to come to the reception/party afterwards. ^

It has been discussed.

paxillin · 28/02/2016 12:40

The friendship might be over if you don't go, but your relationship with dd3 is more important than a friendship. As is showing all three of your dds that you won't allow such unfairness and they don't have to bend over backwards to please people.

Ness1234 · 28/02/2016 12:40

Speak to your friends and explain your dilemma, maybe they will realise that it would be silly not to include your youngest.

Original poster

flyfree1394 · 28/02/2016 12:40

Decision made.

I will call bride, say that DH will of course go but me and the DDs won't.

She may change her mind on age limit when she realises this way of course...

I will report back!

OP posts:

YoureAllABunchOfBastards · 28/02/2016 12:41

Fuck 'em - no way would I be going. The bloody cheek of some people...

Evabeaversprotege · 28/02/2016 12:41

Sorry. Don't go to their wedding then go on a weekend away to celebrate their marriage? Err, no.

You need to explain to them (or your dh needs to explain to his friend that it's a ludicrous situation)

Evabeaversprotege · 28/02/2016 12:42

Good luck

ohforfoxsake · 28/02/2016 12:43

Why don't you just talk to your friend about it again? Tell her that you don't see how you can make it work logistically and would she reconsider? Explain it to her. I wonder if this is her get out to other people so she's enforcing the rule so as to avoid having other kids there? Still, her flower girls should still be an exception to that rule.

I had a child free wedding and I pretty much enforced it save for babes in arms and immediately family. But I am older and everyone I know has loads of kids. I wanted it to be about our friends having a good time, and getting a break. It was with the bet intentions. It's hard to do though.

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