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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...Or are our friends?

403 replies

flyfree1394 · 28/02/2016 10:12

Have three DDs aged 14, 12 and 9.

Very good friends announced their engagement a few months ago and invited the DDs to be flower girls - all three delighted.

Have now received formal invitation.

It says on it that no child under 10 can attend. DD3 is 9, will still be 9 at the time of the wedding.

Contacted friends to check that DD3 was still a flower girl.

Basically they want her there for the ceremony, pictures etc, but she won't be allowed to come to the reception/party afterwards. In short DD3 is expected to sit through a long ceremony, pose for pictures, look like a little angel, etc, then watch her sisters go to a fun party that she can't attend. We are expected to sort out childcare in a place that is miles from our home.

AIBU to think this is absolutely ridiculous?

OP posts:
specialsubject · 28/02/2016 12:44

wearing a frilly frock is no excuse for a lapse in manners. It's only a party, brides and grooms merit no special treatment.

all or none. Obvious.

Myredcardigan · 28/02/2016 12:44

Does your DH still want to go? Mine wouldn't? But then I have zero tolerance for people who behave this way and I dont believe in just appeasing people because they are family or close friends, not when they are so ridiculously unreasonable.

marjolaine · 28/02/2016 12:44

I'm torn as to if DH and/or I would attend anyway after such a slight, but definitely wouldn't go as a family and let them use my daughters as pretty bridesmaids for the photos! What nerve ShockHmm

StableYard · 28/02/2016 12:44

I think it is shocking. I had a no children wedding as otherwise we would have been overrun and the meal after could not hold that many - we could also not afford to feed everyone!

So, we had close family and friends. The bridesmaids and page boy were the only children there. There was still approx 60 guests.

In the evening everyone else could come including the children. We also had a local wedding where we both grew up so most people were still in the area.

NerrSnerr · 28/02/2016 12:44

What a strange thing for her to do. I hope she changes her mind so your daughters can have a lovely day as bridesmaids.

Iwonderif · 28/02/2016 12:45

This is so BS that the bride needs to wear a pull up. Shame on her for being so childishly selfish. I would take the girls and make them all pull miserable faces on photos.....

This friendship I hate to say is possibly over before this wedding even takes place.

Selfish selfish selfish.

YellowDinosaur · 28/02/2016 12:45

If your 2 older dds are the only children going and she's picked 10 as the cut off because she has lots of friends with 9 year olds, the easier cut off is to say no children apart from wedding party. Surely?

Yanbu by the way

pinkcan · 28/02/2016 12:45

These are your best friends so I think you could let them off this one idiotic incident?

You could all go to wedding and then afterwards send dh alone to the reception and you could take the 3 girls out for a meal somewhere nearby?

Hippywannabe · 28/02/2016 12:46

It sounds bonkers!

littleleftie · 28/02/2016 12:46

My DH wouldn't have gone either in this situation.....

I am shocked you are talking about going away for the weekend with them instead - you are far more forgiving than I am !!!!

Myredcardigan · 28/02/2016 12:47

ohforfoxsake, the number of wedding invitations we've had that state they're child free as they want us to have a good time...Hmm We've probably declined 8 in the last 10yrs due to this. We have no living family at all so have never had anyone able to look after our 4. So they all know this excludes us.

Myredcardigan · 28/02/2016 12:48

And it's fine to have a child free wedding. Your choice. Just don't say it's for my benefit.

SueLawleyandNicholasWitchell · 28/02/2016 12:48

Looking forward to hearing what she says.

My bet is that her desire to have your daughters as her bridesmaid will trump her desire to exclude dd3 from the party.

Appalling you have been put in this position.

NotQuiteSoOnEdge · 28/02/2016 12:51

Surely your DH just needs a word with the groom? A simple 'c'mon mate, you can't seriously be asking this?'

FoxFeatures · 28/02/2016 12:51

I think you are being very generous OP. I would not be so gracious.

SleepyBoBo · 28/02/2016 12:52

Why on earth should the OP put herself out like that, Pink? Her friends are entitled to the wedding they want, but what they are expecting from the OP nd her family is beyond simple idiocy - it's rude and actually quite hurtful, along with a huge inconvieniance to her. This is not a small incident that can be eye-rolled at and let slip, the OP's friend is making things very difficult.

witsender · 28/02/2016 12:52

I must admit that I do hate it when people patronisingly tell me that child free weddings are for mtvsake as a guest so I can relax. As an adult, I can decide for myself how best to do that...and very often worrying about how your kids are behaving for a sitter and needing to be back so they can go is not it. It is just a way of saying "this is what I want/can afford to tough shit" without wanting to actually say it. Which is fine, your wedding, your choice...just don't dress it up as for someone else's benefit because you can't envisage how someone can have any fun with their kids around.

thebiscuitindustry · 28/02/2016 12:57

YANBU.

If you decide to decline for all of you, plan something fantastic for the day that you can all enjoy Smile

Original poster
flyfree1394 · 28/02/2016 12:57

Right, that is it!

We are not going.

Phoned bride. Said that I didn't see how DD3 could just not go to the reception and it would not be logistically possible anyway.

Bride gets all stammery.

Age limit was apparently put on because they couldn't find a caterer that did food for under 10s! Confused. What in Earth. DD3 is not a fussy eater either.

She has therefore made it blindingly clear that she only really wanted DD1 and DD2 there and only included DD3 because she had to.

I am so f***g angry now. Angry

I'm not going, the DDs aren't going, and I don't think DH will go now.

How do I tell the poor DDs? Sad

OP posts:
Rafflesway · 28/02/2016 12:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WhereYouLeftIt · 28/02/2016 12:57

I think that MrsCampbellBlack's suggested wording was perfect - "I would phone up the bride to be and just say what you've said on here. 'So you want DD to come, be in the photos and then go home whilst we all stay for the party?'. Then pause. If she says yes - then you say 'ok but you do see why we can't do that don't you?'."

It's just so batshit. And no, she doesn't get pretty pictures that would be a total charade. People make shit decisions when they're shielded from the consequences of those decisions.

Original poster
flyfree1394 · 28/02/2016 12:57

And we will take our lovely daughters on a gorgeous weekend away to compensate Grin

OP posts:
ExitPursuedByABear · 28/02/2016 12:58

Only those without children would come up with these weird rules.

fruitbat2008 · 28/02/2016 12:59

What blue moon said you have to be honest with them can't believe how cruel they are:0

Rafflesway · 28/02/2016 13:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.