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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...Or are our friends?

403 replies

flyfree1394 · 28/02/2016 10:12

Have three DDs aged 14, 12 and 9.

Very good friends announced their engagement a few months ago and invited the DDs to be flower girls - all three delighted.

Have now received formal invitation.

It says on it that no child under 10 can attend. DD3 is 9, will still be 9 at the time of the wedding.

Contacted friends to check that DD3 was still a flower girl.

Basically they want her there for the ceremony, pictures etc, but she won't be allowed to come to the reception/party afterwards. In short DD3 is expected to sit through a long ceremony, pose for pictures, look like a little angel, etc, then watch her sisters go to a fun party that she can't attend. We are expected to sort out childcare in a place that is miles from our home.

AIBU to think this is absolutely ridiculous?

OP posts:
Goingtobeawesome · 28/02/2016 12:03

If you go with your husband or all go and send the girls away after the photos you are allowing yourselves to be used (best man) or your girls to be (pretty pictures) imho.

honeyroar · 28/02/2016 12:03

In this case I think you have to tell them straight, not go the roundabout route and say childcare (in the hope they understand). Tell them your girls were all very excited and proud, so to now have to tell the youngest she can't go to the meal etc would be really awful, so you think it's best none of them come. Tell them that as they're going to be upset, and because you're upset about it too, you're all going to decline the wedding and book a weekend away to cheer everyone up. And don't say sorry. You've nothing to be sorry for. They have.

paxillin · 28/02/2016 12:04

No, don't go at all. They can pay for pretty actors for their charade.

honeyroar · 28/02/2016 12:05

Ps your Dd1 sounds like a very mature, thoughtful young lady.

nocabbageinmyeye · 28/02/2016 12:05

What did you say op when she said dd3 couldn't go to the reception/party?

littleleftie · 28/02/2016 12:06

Gosh no, I wouldn't go at all. Fuck allowing them to take the photos and then you skulk away.........

YY to booking a weekend away! It will probably cost less than the wedding Grin

theDudesmummy · 28/02/2016 12:07

I wouldn't go near the wedding and I wouldn't be friends with her any more.

patterkiller · 28/02/2016 12:08

I just can't see how they think this is reasonable on any level.

I'm another one who would refuse to go and I would tell her the real reason why. Very odd.

AlpacaLypse · 28/02/2016 12:08

DD1 is being far sweeter and nicer about this than Bridezilla deserves!

ILikeUranus · 28/02/2016 12:08

I wouldn't go at all, sod the best man role. They're being complete twats.

paxillin · 28/02/2016 12:08

Or go and tell your three dds to pull faces in all the photos.

rollonthesummer · 28/02/2016 12:11

What did you say op when she said dd3 couldn't go to the reception/party

This

ProcessYellowC · 28/02/2016 12:12

Shock People are weird.

It almost reads like a high-stakes way of them trying to get out of having your children as flower girls without directly telling you why - could there be other family members who may have been slighted by not being invited?

So, so odd.

PixieChops · 28/02/2016 12:13

I kind of get the feeling that that is what the bride wants. What your DD1 said- you go to the day and not the evening.
I think it's ridiculous and pretty cruel to be excluding one of your children especially as they are all taking part in the wedding.

Original poster
flyfree1394 · 28/02/2016 12:13

I am seriously considering it going, they will be the only kids there so it won't be loads of fun.

The real shame is that DD1 is very mature for her age (14) and is really good at chatting with adults. DD2 is a little more immature and childlike so gets on very well with DD3. So DD1 would have loved just talking with adults, and DD2 and DD3 would have just been playing at the party. It would have worked so well.

Think we may well not go.

I am so angry for DD3, she has had something lovely given to her and they have deliberately taken it away again Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
flyfree1394 · 28/02/2016 12:14

I meant not instead of it!

OP posts:
feebeecat · 28/02/2016 12:14

I think your dd1 has come up with quite a good plan. Your dh would have to go to the reception - assuming there is a formal dinner/speeches, but could leave after that and let the groom/bride explain where you all went.
I also don't think I'd be citing childcare as a reason for not going - although it would be an obvious issue. My initial thought was that it is hugely unfair on dd3 to be excluded and if she wants them to be bridesmaids/flower girls, she has them all, or not at all. my second thought was, some people are really, really weird - who would come up with such a notion

ovenchips · 28/02/2016 12:15

OP It's up to you how you tackle it. But with your 'just staying for the ceremony' plan, the bride and groom are still 'benefitting' from you all being there. You are the ones losing out by not going the celebrations afterwards. The bride and groom are not. They will not really feel your inconvenience/ missing outness in any way.

It's your husband's friend. I would get him to talk to them about it again and explain how you won't and can't leave DD3 out. Then see what they say. I would be very prepared to all not go if it were me.

Lightbulbon · 28/02/2016 12:15

Don't play along.

All or nothing.

SevenOfNineTrue · 28/02/2016 12:15

Could your DH have a word with the groom to really understand what is at the bottom of this and/or see whether an exception would be made?

I know from experience that age limits at wedding can cause major bad feelings if someone shows up with a child that is 'underage' but I could not see how anyone would not understand if the child was a bridesmaid.

Evabeaversprotege · 28/02/2016 12:17

No way.

Don't go & give them their pix.

ProcessYellowC · 28/02/2016 12:17

Aw your DD1 sounds so lovely.

Love the weekend away idea. With new lovely dresses for the girls and getting a photographer to come and take beautiful family portraits.

diddl · 28/02/2016 12:19

"She suggested that we attend the ceremony so that they can get their lovely pictures, DH can see his best friend get married, the DC can be flower girls"

Why would you let them get their pictures?

They don't deserve it!

If it's a thing of the venue, why weren't they all apologetic & "we didn't realise"...

They don't sound like friends at all.

Your oldest sounds lovely & too thoughtful towards them!!

MissTurnstiles · 28/02/2016 12:19

No, no. Your DD1 is lovely to come up with a plan but it is not your responsibility to accommodate these people.

They can have all of your DDs, or they can have none of them.

Spell it out really clearly to the B&G. 'All three DDs would love to be your flower girls but we will not exclude one of them from the reception.'

insancerre · 28/02/2016 12:20

I would ring bridezilla and ask her again the reason why your dd can't go to the party
If she insists dd cannot go then she will lose the best man and the 3 flower girls because there's no way I would go while one of my family was excluded