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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...Or are our friends?

403 replies

flyfree1394 · 28/02/2016 10:12

Have three DDs aged 14, 12 and 9.

Very good friends announced their engagement a few months ago and invited the DDs to be flower girls - all three delighted.

Have now received formal invitation.

It says on it that no child under 10 can attend. DD3 is 9, will still be 9 at the time of the wedding.

Contacted friends to check that DD3 was still a flower girl.

Basically they want her there for the ceremony, pictures etc, but she won't be allowed to come to the reception/party afterwards. In short DD3 is expected to sit through a long ceremony, pose for pictures, look like a little angel, etc, then watch her sisters go to a fun party that she can't attend. We are expected to sort out childcare in a place that is miles from our home.

AIBU to think this is absolutely ridiculous?

OP posts:
nocabbageinmyeye · 28/02/2016 10:29

Was the invitation by post or hand? Just wondered if it was in person what said?

LagunaBubbles · 28/02/2016 10:31

I take it they don't have children of their own? This is really rude, your DD is a person with feelings, not a performing seal!

EthelMercaptan · 28/02/2016 10:31

People can be so thick sometimes. I suggest you contact her again and point out exactly what you said in your OP and if she won't change her mind tell her that unfortunately none of you will be able to attend.

Evabeaversprotege · 28/02/2016 10:31

No way!!

I'd contact her & say none of you are going.

What's she playing at? Excluding one dd who is flower girl is awful.

Why can the under 10 rule not exclude the bridal party.

This is bizarre.

The only kids we had at our wedding were four of dh's first cousins (ranged from 10 til about 4) & my nieces & nephews - it's not really the done thing here to ask whole families if not related, but if your girls are on the wedding party I think they should be allowed to attend the whole thing.

NightWanderer · 28/02/2016 10:31

So, they are the only kids going and your daughter is the only one under 10. Hmm

Not being rude but is she a difficult kid or something? Do they like her?

If she's the only one not invited then I think you need to ask them why they are excluding her.

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 28/02/2016 10:32

They really have not thought this through, have they? I would spend some time trying to explain the issues with them as they clearly have no experience of family life.

Evabeaversprotege · 28/02/2016 10:34

So your three are the only children invited and they're going to exclude one?

Not on at all.

nocabbageinmyeye · 28/02/2016 10:36

Yes just message them and ask them if there was a misunderstanding and explain what you said in your op. If they stick the their guns and say dd is excluded or they will exclude all three instead of just one then tell them to fuck off. Any answer other than "oh my God we didn't think of course they are all welcome" requires the response fuck off none of us are coming

SleepyBoBo · 28/02/2016 10:37

Usually, I don't disagree with child-free or age-limit weddings. However, this is bloody stupid and quite frankly mean to your youngest. I take it she will not be far off 10 when the wedding takes place - what magical thing do they expect to happen between the wedding and her birthday, that would deem her 'good enough' to be part of the whole day. If they want her to be part of the ceremony, she should be invited to the whole thing. They should have thought of this when making their plans to have a young-child free wedding.

I don't think I could even make an excuse about 'childcare' - I would explain to them that it's rude to expect someone to come to their ceremony, be expected to stand around (bored), looking pretty, have to wait around for photos and such - then be told they are expected to bugger off, without even a meal as a thank you! Just not acceptable, at all.

shinynewusername · 28/02/2016 10:37

They ABVU. Would they do this to an adult bridesmaid: "Please take a key role in our wedding, go through all the hassle of sorting out clothes etc but you're not invited to the reception."? Of course not. So it's not OK to do it to your DD.

StitchesInTime · 28/02/2016 10:39

Your children are the only children going, and they've still got this under 10 years rule?

Just to be clear - do the rest of the guests have about a million 9 year olds between them? If not, I'd be finding it really hard not to take this personally on behalf of your 9 year old DD.

BluePancakes · 28/02/2016 10:39

I was going to say, that I would ignore it and turn up on the day with all 3 and potentially make a scene in front of her family that she COULDN'T possibly have meant to not include your youngest especially as she was a flower girl etc etc [sweet angelic face]

However, your update says that your three are the only children AND she's purposely excluding one! Shock Bollocks to that. Take your girls out to a fancy hotel for afternoon tea (so they can still dress up and feel special, if they'd like that type of thing) and not go at all.

littleleftie · 28/02/2016 10:42

YANBU - I would decline invitation for all of you.

RattieOfCatan · 28/02/2016 10:43

That's ridiculous, especially given that they're the only three children going! If it were me I might decline for the three girls but you and your DH go, but even then the girls have been told that they are bridesmaids so that would just cause upset too.

fuzzpig · 28/02/2016 10:46

YANBU

witsender · 28/02/2016 10:48

Errr, no.
No way. I would say no for all of you based on it being too unfair on the youngest. If they don't have the common sense to blur the line by a few months for a member of the wedding party then more fool them.

ToffeeForEveryone · 28/02/2016 10:53

That's so rude of your friends Shock Can't believe anyone has the gall to suggest this.

The only thing I can think is that there are a lot of DCs in the extended family who are 9 and under that they haven't invited, and your DD being there would cause family tension. She clearly hasn't thought about the impact on your DD of being the only one of her sisters not included in the wedding party. It's unacceptable to pack her off with a strange babysitter whilst the others go to the wedding, it would be either they all go or none do if it were me.

bakeoffcake · 28/02/2016 10:57

Are they usually quite reasonable people?

I wonder if you were honest with them saying DD3 would just be so upset to have to go home whilst her sisters stayed, is there anyway she can come, they would reconsider and let her.

Aussiemum78 · 28/02/2016 10:58

Child free weddings are fine, but it's rude to include the bridal party in that.

chantico · 28/02/2016 11:05

I'd be tempted to say (if true, and if they are standing firm) that there is no way that you can arrange childcare for DD3 form part way through. So she cannot attend at all

You are not prepared to have DD1 and DD2 being flower girls when Dd3 is logistically included from participation.

So as things stand, your only possible RSVP is an acceptance for you and DH, and regrets from all three girls (for all parts).

Then find a real treat for them for that weekend, with a favorite aunt/uncle/grandparent.

It's absolutely fine for the B&G to have even an arbitrary 'rule' about invitation cut offs. They cannot however ignore that it may not work for everyone, and they have to live with people declining invitations that cannot accept for logistic reasons.

VinceNoirLovesHowardMoon · 28/02/2016 11:06

The other two won't have that much fun anyway if they are the only children going!

CamboricumMinor · 28/02/2016 11:09

Your so-called friend needs to find herself three other flower girls then. Either all 3 are welcome at the reception or none of them will go to the wedding or reception - and neither should you.

MissTurnstiles · 28/02/2016 11:13

I also wouldn't cite childcare as that is really incidental to this.

I agree with pp - be honest, and explain that you are not willing to exclude DD3 from part of the day when her sisters will be involved. With regret, if they are going to stick dogmatically to the no under-10s rule and not make an exception for child whom they consider close enough to be part of the bridal party, then you will decline on behalf of all of your children.

Have flower girl dresses etc been bought already?

stiffstink · 28/02/2016 11:17

Stuff the idea of a mini party in the hotel room, that's not fair on the 14yr old, she'd have to watch the younger two from when? Mid afternoon to late evening? Would you be able to enjoy yourselves or would you feel inclined to keep popping up to the room?

I'd just decline asap for everyone without a reason and only if asked would I explain why, possibly along the lines of "We would be uncomfortable sending DD9 away after the ceremony and she I unable to be left alone given her age. We feel it best that you find alternative flower girls who are aged 10 or over to meet your guest list criteria."

EthelMercaptan · 28/02/2016 11:21

Hang on... your children are the only children going??? And therefore the only child that this rule about under 10s will even affect is your 9 year old?

How are you supposed not to take that personally?

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