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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...Or are our friends?

403 replies

flyfree1394 · 28/02/2016 10:12

Have three DDs aged 14, 12 and 9.

Very good friends announced their engagement a few months ago and invited the DDs to be flower girls - all three delighted.

Have now received formal invitation.

It says on it that no child under 10 can attend. DD3 is 9, will still be 9 at the time of the wedding.

Contacted friends to check that DD3 was still a flower girl.

Basically they want her there for the ceremony, pictures etc, but she won't be allowed to come to the reception/party afterwards. In short DD3 is expected to sit through a long ceremony, pose for pictures, look like a little angel, etc, then watch her sisters go to a fun party that she can't attend. We are expected to sort out childcare in a place that is miles from our home.

AIBU to think this is absolutely ridiculous?

OP posts:
Evabeaversprotege · 28/02/2016 11:23

It's completely unfair to your dd3.

EthelMercaptan · 28/02/2016 11:25

MissTurnstiles I understand what you mean about the childcare issue not being the main point BUT you do have to wonder what these people imagine flyfree is going to do with her 9 year old dd for hours whilst the rest of them are at the reception. I for one am intrigued!

ample · 28/02/2016 11:26

YANBU
I think your youngest DD can be 10 for the evening.
Either that or decline for all of you. To have a member of the bridal party uninvited to the reception is mean. If your DD was a young flower girl then I could understand.
Odd cut-off age Confused.
They are BVU

Pinkheart5915 · 28/02/2016 11:29

I think that is unfair to DD3.

If they want her as flower girl to look cute in photos etc, they could at least let her attend the reception to have a dance and some food with you and her siblings.

They say no under 10s but surely could make an exception for the flower girl, at 9 she is hardly a baby.

ThatsNotMyRabbit · 28/02/2016 11:30

Ridiculous and mean.

hesterton · 28/02/2016 11:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lorelei9 · 28/02/2016 11:30

Decline and tell them why
Weddings are getting madder by the minute
Thing is, they will likely do a u turn but I'd be asking myself if I wanted to help in the wedding of such a pair of users anyway.

SuperFlyHigh · 28/02/2016 11:38

YANBU they are being VU.

How selfish and unkind.

DB got married and had his goddaughter and her 2 old sisters as guests, SIL's 10 year old Goddaughter as Flowergirl and a little girl of about 5 who was DD of one the guests was allowed to come too (last minute decision) as it was mostly unofficially child free.

This was in a country house (kilver court next to Somerset mulberry outlet) if you don't know it it has a large garden with rocks and ponds where the girls played but we all (including me as one of 6 adult BMs) took turns in watching the girls everyone came to the ceremony and day/evening reception and parents took their DC to nearby accommodation if they were tired. Surely that's what you do isn't it?! It was challenging as it was April and a bit cold and rained on and off and I was a bit scared there'd be an accident (it has sort of rocks right near the pond) but everyone ensured they kept a good eye (including my stepdad) and turns in watching the girls who were all very well behaved and played when not being "good". It was however all of the guests agreed a great wedding not stuffy and formal with everyone catered for. As it was a country wedding most guests treated it as a weekend break/long weekend away with chances to visit Bath (SILs DPs live just outside Bath) and Wells so really important that everyone mucked in and helped re car sharing etc if need be.

SIL and DB would have had more flower girls only with so many BMs and DBs goddaughter being one of 3 girls/sisters it would not have been fair. Their dad however got them all gorgeous matching smart and pretty coordinating dresses so they looked adorable.

SuperFlyHigh · 28/02/2016 11:40

hesterton would be very surprised if insurance especially as Kilver Court could quite easily have got stroppy with us over the kids....

However as we ensured that was a responsible adult with any child any time they wanted to run outside and let off steam that was covered and all was ok.

Hesjustabigknobheadwithnoknob · 28/02/2016 11:42

I wouldn't go. It's ridiculous.

GreenTomatoJam · 28/02/2016 11:48

We're going to a no-child wedding - except for our kids and a couple of other toddlers who are part of the wedding party.

As lovely as the bride and groom are, they are childless, and don't seem to have realised that keeping 4 toddlers amused for over 8 hours at a wedding venue (away from the hotel), and still presentable for the list of (essential) pictures, may not actually be sensibly possible (and the 8 hours is only because we've ducked out of the rehearsal, rehearsal dinner and group breakfast before the wedding)

Contrast to my sisters wedding, where we all have toddlers, in fact the guests must have been over 1/3 kids now that I think about it, and it was delightful, friendly and everyone had a great time, despite the occasional runaway 3 year old :D

YANBU. Either your daughter is 10 for the evening, or you can't attend (the reception at least - let the children be flower girls if they want)

NewYearSameMe · 28/02/2016 11:48

That is very unthoughtful of them, I agree that they are treating your DDs like decorations not people. However, if they are excited about being brides maids then I would be reluctant to just withdraw them without their consent. I was never a flower girl or bridesmaid and I'm still a little bitter about it at nearly 50. Wink

I don't like wedding receptions much so I would jump at the chance to just go to the ceremony and then send DH to the reception on his own and make a thing of having a girly evening with all three DDs after they have done the bridesmaid thing. If you're in a nice hotel you could have a spa and film evening in your room.

scarlets · 28/02/2016 11:49

I understand no-children rules, and usually say on threads about weddings that the bride and groom can do as they please. This, however, is taking the mickey.

I suspect that your girls are attractive/alike and have been chosen to make the pictures look nice.

I can't imagine that anyone would find this an acceptable way to treat a little girl.

Original poster
flyfree1394 · 28/02/2016 11:50

Thank you all for the thoughts.

I am just so angry for poor DD3, and to answer one poster's question, no, she has been by far our easiest DD (not in a rude way to DD1 and DD2).

The dresses have not been bought yet but the bride has sent photos to the DDs of some potential dresses and they were going to be fitted in the next few weeks.

Am thinking potentially we won't go, but DH is best man...

More thoughts welcomed! Thanks.

OP posts:
mrwalkensir · 28/02/2016 11:51

er, have you double checked that they know she'll still only be 9? They may be assuming that she'll be 10 by then...

Original poster
flyfree1394 · 28/02/2016 11:51

And I also agree with some peoples' points that my DDs are being objectified for perfect photos. But they are all absolutely thrilled to have been chosen and as of yet are not aware about the DD3 exclusion.

OP posts:
VoldysGoneMouldy · 28/02/2016 11:52

This is the most Bridezilla thing I have ever heard, and that includes seven years on MN!

Tell her to go swivel. Your children aren't an accessory she can use for her ceremony and then dispose of.

MrsCampbellBlack · 28/02/2016 11:52

I would phone up the bride to be and just say what you've said on here. 'So you want DD to come, be in the photos and then go home whilst we all stay for the party?'. Then pause. If she says yes - then you say 'ok but you do see why we can't do that don't you?'.

Stupid friends.

Original poster
flyfree1394 · 28/02/2016 11:55

They are well aware that DD3 won't be 10, bride is very organised, never ever forgets a birthday, and DD3's 10th birthday is nine weeks after the wedding date.

Plus she did actually say that DD3 can't come to ten party afterwards, so I am absolutely certain she knows Angry

OP posts:
nevertakeyouriphoneinthebath · 28/02/2016 11:57

Either all three girls are invited to the entire thing or none of them go, and they will not be flower girls.

I understand some people don't want young children at their wedding but this is just ridiculous.

They need to make their minds up what it is they want, and then plan a wedding that fits in around that idea, not cherry pick from what suits them and what doesn't, when it insults and inconveniences their friends.

StitchesInTime · 28/02/2016 11:58

The only wedding venue near us that I know has an age restriction on children, is a replica of a well known sailing ship (from the pre-steam era) that's moored on water.

They've got age restrictions for children attending weddings or parties, presumably because of the risks involved in the whole boat + water + small children + adults who may be distracted by the party and not notice things like their DC practicing walking the plank until it's too late. This particular ship does actually have a plank like on a pirate ship.

But I'd be surprised about a more conventional wedding venue having age restrictions on children for insurance purposes.

OOAOML · 28/02/2016 11:59

I wonder if the venue have 10 as a cut-off point, and are charging them for an adult meal? Otherwise it just seems ridiculously random. Although even that seems ridiculous, as it must be a very small part of the overall cost.

paxillin · 28/02/2016 11:59

Let me get this straight, they want the pretty flower girl pictures. Yours are the only children there. Dh is best man. They have introduced a rule specifically to exclude 1 child? Don't go, she won't forget this.

Have you spelled out to them you are excluding one of my three children, yet you expect all three of them to sit prettily for the pictures?

hownottofuckup · 28/02/2016 12:00

That's the oddest thing I've heard of. So no children are going except yours, who will be the flower girls, and they want to exclude the youngest only as she will be 'too young' by 9 weeks for the party? This makes no sense!
Do they want to exclude other children so have set this age 10 bench mark? Still ridiculous.

Original poster
flyfree1394 · 28/02/2016 12:02

Have just told DD1 about this, she is furious and isn't telling DD2 and DD3 at the moment.

She suggested that we attend the ceremony so that they can get their lovely pictures, DH can see his best friend get married, the DC can be flower girls, etc, and then we leave and don't bother with the reception.

Not sure that this would work but thought it was a reasonable idea?

OP posts:
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