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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...Or are our friends?

403 replies

flyfree1394 · 28/02/2016 10:12

Have three DDs aged 14, 12 and 9.

Very good friends announced their engagement a few months ago and invited the DDs to be flower girls - all three delighted.

Have now received formal invitation.

It says on it that no child under 10 can attend. DD3 is 9, will still be 9 at the time of the wedding.

Contacted friends to check that DD3 was still a flower girl.

Basically they want her there for the ceremony, pictures etc, but she won't be allowed to come to the reception/party afterwards. In short DD3 is expected to sit through a long ceremony, pose for pictures, look like a little angel, etc, then watch her sisters go to a fun party that she can't attend. We are expected to sort out childcare in a place that is miles from our home.

AIBU to think this is absolutely ridiculous?

OP posts:
TheDowagerCuntess · 29/02/2016 01:00

There has got to be more to this than meets the eye.

To want to deliberately exclude one child from an event to the extent that you'd not only forego the entire family coming, but even risk sacrificing a best friendship. It's too bizarre.

gruffaloshmuffalo · 29/02/2016 01:32

There has to be more than meets the eye here. Maybe she has another Best Man in the wings for her fiancée?

ihateminecraft · 29/02/2016 07:00

Tbh, if I'd been in OP's shoes, I'm not sure I would even have queried the wording in the invitation re no under 10s. I would've assumed it didn't apply to us given that DD had been asked separately to be a BM. Sounds like it was a good job she did though!

rollonthesummer · 29/02/2016 07:48

There has to be more than meets the eye here. Maybe she has another Best Man in the wings for her fiancée?

I suspect this is the case. She probably has a couple of 2 year old cutesie flowers girls as plan b too. The fact that neither of them have even attempted to talk you out of not going makes me think they have since made other plans.

Goingtobeawesome · 29/02/2016 07:56

The bride and groom haven't lost a friend for the sake of nine weeks. That is just the reason the bride has given to hide the real one imo.

Dumdedumdedum · 29/02/2016 08:08

I agree, she must have decided the OP's DH not required to be her fiancé's Best Man, and/or found bridesmaids better suited, for some reason. I'm still a bit shocked that the groom can so easily shuck off his best friend as best man, but weddings clearly bring out the strangest things in folk!

Grapejuicerocks · 29/02/2016 08:16

You'd think he would be really upset at losing his best man. If he really feels hard done by, then that sure is some entitlement.

glowfrog · 29/02/2016 08:31

On the plus side, you can now all pull out without feeling you are being unreasonable in any way.

I feel sorry for your DH, who is losing his childhood friend. I wouldn't be able to forget something like this.

clam · 29/02/2016 08:41

Yeah, but glowfrog, what might be a deal-breaker for women (and it would be for me), can more likely be overlooked by men, in my experience. They tend to be (Disclaimer: generalisation!!!!) a bit more black and white about these things and can go for a beer, acknowledge it briefly and then move on to more important stuff like football.

Lopperlady1 · 29/02/2016 08:51

YANBU to be annoyed, this does sound ridiculous! However I imagine your friend (has no kids?) has just not really thought it through and hadn't put herself in you or your daughters shoes- it's all about her wedding day.

I would maybe call her again and say you all really want to come but after discussing as a family you don't feel its fair or practical to leave one excited daughter out. So is there anything can be done? An exception? If not I would probably still go but say unfortunately the girls won't be coming (assuming you can sort childcare for all)

I just know so many friendships ending over wedding invites which is a shame.

Good luck!

DownWithTitchenor · 29/02/2016 09:01

I think they have already had that conversation...

clam · 29/02/2016 09:03

Why don't people read the thread????!!

Lopperlady That is exactly what has happened, except that none of the family is going now, including her dh, who was to be Best Man. The groom, his lifelong friend appears to have shrugged and said, "OK then."

maybebabybee · 29/02/2016 09:13

This is batshit Shock

Definitely agree there has to be more to it.

NinaSimoneful · 29/02/2016 09:20

Groom to be is a weasel. He sold his fiancée out straight away by saying 'yeah I wanted an under-5s limit but herself wanted an under-10s limit.' Even notwithstanding the fact that this outs Brideszilla as a liar (because she tried to tell OP that the age limit was at the behest of the caterers) but he's happy to tell his friend that the situation was his brides doing.

"Aw man, I know. Look, it's not that I don't want you there, this is her decision." So he's not standing up for his friend by compromising with Bridezilla to include all three daughters and he's not standing up for his wife-to-be by even pretending that this a mutual decision.

glowfrog · 29/02/2016 09:48

I can see that, Clam, but then I'd make it clear the Bride is not to be seen ever again and that I don't think much of the groom, either for going along with it. And it may suit the men just fine to just meet the two of them, of course. :-)

ChasingPavements · 29/02/2016 09:59

Nina that is an incredibly insightful observation, and you are absolutely right.

Pigeonpost · 29/02/2016 10:03

Why do weddings turn people batshit crazy? Tout are you the BTB?!? Shame BTB and HTB didn't get their stories straight about the cut off limit as BTB's weak bullshit about caterers setting the age limit has been directly contradicted by HTB's text. Bridezillas are never much fun but I suppose this is the one day of their lives where they do get to call every single little shot and if they want to do that for their 'perfect wedding [insert vomit emoticon] then they have to accept that their choices will have long term have a long term effect on the friends and family they have imposed these ridiculous conditions on. I hope you all have a lovely weekend away, absolutely do it the same weekend as the wedding.

MartinaJ · 29/02/2016 10:26

Tout, you are seriously the most unreasonable voice of reason I've had a chance to read.
RTFT. OP called the bride and the bride confirmed it's fine for her DD to be the flower girl but not fine to stay for the reception afterwards.
That's ridiculous and unreasonable, especially as her two older daughters, DH and herself were invited too. What is she supposed to do with her younger daughter afterwards, put her in a cupboard and ask her to stay there till reception is over, "you were there so they have lovely photographs but not good enough to stay any longer"?
I agree with those who say that there seems to be more behind it, especially as the groom was obviously more than willing to dump his best friend and best man.
Personally I don't get the Bridezilla syndrome. I don't believe in the general belief that a wedding changes a normal woman into a monster. You'd have to be a bitch to behave like this and chances are, the whole stress of organizing the wedding just removes the polish of civilization off a moron so she shows her true face.

scampimom · 29/02/2016 10:58

gets popcorn

OP, have there been any developments? This is better than Eastenders.

I wanna hear what this BTB has to say for herself next. And btw, it seems meet that a heartless bride has found herself a spineless groom -they make a great pair!

MadSprocker · 29/02/2016 11:12

Have you booked your weekend away yet?

Nanny0gg · 29/02/2016 11:22

But what exactly did the bride and groom say when you explained that none of you would be going at all, therefore they were down 1 Groom, 3 flowergirls and 4 (should have been 5) guests?

Nanny0gg · 29/02/2016 11:23

Oh, and a long-standing friendship?

sashadasher · 29/02/2016 11:56

You're a family you come as a package or not at all.In my experience I've found most children better behaved that some of the adults at weddings and important social occasions.

WonderingAspie · 29/02/2016 11:59

I'd be interested in that response too nannyogg. Surely they can't have been that happy.

I think it sounds like a case of childless people stupidly didn't think about the practicalities of their ridiculous request.

PurpleDaisies · 29/02/2016 12:01

I think it sounds like a case of childless people stupidly didn't think about the practicalities of their ridiculous request.

Could we stop with the childless people have no clue about what it is like for people who have children? This is clearly a ridiculous request from the bride. Any sensible person can see why-you don't need to have had your own children.