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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this out of order to my friend? Difficult dilemma. WWYD?

455 replies

Headfulahorlix · 27/02/2016 20:12

Made a good friend a few years ago. She lives on my street. DCs are friends and we do play dates and baby sit for each other and some times go out for weekends. She moved to this street after her unhappy relationship came to an end and she feels her ex is controlling which I have witnessed and so believe.

I put my house on the market. He has offered me the full asking price.

I am desperate to move.

Would you sell to him in my position?

OP posts:
evelynj · 28/02/2016 00:55

Of course not ffs. I hope you told her about his offer.

Good Gid I can't believe this question has been asked

Ooof35 · 28/02/2016 01:02

Absolutely not! No matter how desperate you are- you have a moral responsibility to your friend!

RosyCat · 28/02/2016 01:05

No

  1. You would be exposing her and her children to his controlling behaviour on their doorstep
  2. You would be betraying her trust in you as a friend- this is especially damaging as she may still have some frailties in that area due to his controlling behaviour. You will basically be showing her she cannot trust people.
  3. You cannot trust people like him. As pp have said, he could well be doing this to fuck with her head, show her she cannot trust or rely on her (supposed) friends, break up your friendship and further isolate her. Then he will withdraw from the process and you may have in the meantime missed out on a genuine buyer.

Take the high road- the view is a lot better and it often works out well in ways you couldn't have imagined before hand.

ReginaBlitz · 28/02/2016 01:14

What a lovely friend you are. 5 miles is fuck all to commute, you have no morals at all.

ClarenceTheLion · 28/02/2016 01:32

You have personally witnessed the behaviour of a controlling abusive man and are considered colluding with him so that he can continue to abuse and control his ex? You know that's why he wants the house. And it doesn't matter how many others are available - actually, perhaps it does, if he's deliberately targeting the house of a friend. Double whammy - get a house to enable easy stalking of her, and rid her of a supposed ally at the same time!

If you believe in a God, or in karma, or have any kind of a decent moral code, you really shouldn't sell to him. And you should warn your friend.

wickedlazy · 28/02/2016 01:32

No I wouldn't.

SmallLegsOrSmallEggs · 28/02/2016 01:38

OK OP you go ahead, accept his offer.
This means you take your house off the market.
That means no other offers.

So if he doesn't go through with it, your house sale falls through.
You don't get house on lovely new area. Your dcs don't get a better life.

And you get to feel like an arsehole for betraying a friend.

OR you wait a week see if you get another offer. That way you have options and you stand a better chance of actually selling your house.

What's the rush? Did he time limit the offer? If so he's just trying to force your hand and get your house off market so you have no options so he can mess you about.

At the very best he will try to lower his offer after you agree.

Bogeyface · 28/02/2016 01:57

How much money is the wellbeing of an abused woman worth to you?

Monty27 · 28/02/2016 02:12

You can't be serious about this. Or are you that greedy and selfish OP?

redskirt3 · 28/02/2016 02:51

I think this situation should be looked at objectively. You want to sell your house and you have a buyer. It's not an emotional transaction, it's a business one, you proceed in the usual manner with your solicitor and estate agent.
Your friendship with your friend is completely separate to your housing situation. Her relationship with her ex is totally separate to you and your affairs.
I would proceed. If he wants to bully and stalk her he will do that anyway.

Aussiemum78 · 28/02/2016 03:07

I'd tell your friend.

If by chance, she's ok with it, counter offer to him at a higher price...

lostoldlogin2 · 28/02/2016 03:14

wow. if you sell it to him .......words fail me.

Put yourself in her shoes. She won't feel safe in her own home and she will have you to thank for it.

MyNewBearTotoro · 28/02/2016 03:19

I'd talk to your friend. It is possible she knows his intention to move to your street. She may be for it or may be totally against it but only she can tell you for sure.

If she is mortified at the thought of him buying it I would refuse his offer but I wouldn't refuse before talking to her in case she gives you the go ahead.

Waltermittythesequel · 28/02/2016 03:20
Hmm
sarahbanshee · 28/02/2016 07:42

I don't think this is about being "the better person" OP. This is about being a person. You would be knowingly colluding in his abuse of her. You would be HELPING him abuse her. Would you hold the door shut for him while he hit her? No? This is morally equivalent. You know he wants to do this to make her life miserable. You would be helping make that possible.

DinosaursRoar · 28/02/2016 07:48

Thinking about it again OP - unless he's renting 2 streets away (which he might be), there's no reason to presume he'll actually go through with the purchase or be able to get a buyer for his property in a short time frame. If you've only had your house on the market for under a week, and got an asking price offer even though there's other properties for sale on your street - chances are you'll get another offer in the next few weeks from someone who is in a better position to move, or a higher offer.

I would get the estate agent to say to him that as it's only been on the market for a few days, you have other viewings lined up and are want to let those happen. Then tell your friend what's going on, even if you don't sell to him, if he's determined, he can buy one of the other houses on your road and she might want to be warned (perhaps so she can rent out her house and rent another in a different part of town). You might find your friend informs you he couldn't possibly buy your house, meaning you don't waste your time or get close to sale before he tells you he can only get a mortgage for £50k less so you have to reduce or lose the sale etc.

DinosaursRoar · 28/02/2016 07:52

BTW OP - it's worth remembering that evil controlling twats are rarely evil controlling twats in only one area of their life/towards one person. They might realise they can only "get away" with the very extremely bad behaviour towards a romantic partner, but will always treat everyone else they deal with poorly if they can. This is not someone who you should be putting in a position of power over your future (by needing him to not fuck you about on the sale/guzzunder/pull out of the sale at the 11th hour etc).

Give it another week and see if you get any other offers, push your estate agent to arrange more viewings, see if you can get a non-twat with an offer on the table. You don't want to lose your dream house because twat-man pulled out of the sale at the last minute.

Original poster
Headfulahorlix · 28/02/2016 07:59

Ive told her I'm considering the offer. She has not replied

OP posts:
Original poster
Headfulahorlix · 28/02/2016 08:00

I'm hoping we can talk through this before I decide

OP posts:
hesterton · 28/02/2016 08:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ohforfoxsake · 28/02/2016 08:03

You use his offer as leverage for future viewings. It will make your house seem more attractive if someone is already interested.

If you accept it will come back and bite you in the arse. I'd put money on his offer falling through.

And don't be a cunt.

invisiblegorilla · 28/02/2016 08:03

To be honest, the fact that you told her that you're considering it and have left her on tenterhooks for the foreseeable future may end your friendship in itself. She will certainly be a lot more guarded and careful around you in future, no matter what the outcome, given that she's told you what he's like and you've prioritised your house sale above that.

hesterton · 28/02/2016 08:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AtSea1979 · 28/02/2016 08:06

I'm not surprised she hasn't replied. She must feel so hurt that you are even considering his offer.

sarahbanshee · 28/02/2016 08:09

Oh dear. Well, at least you've been honest with your friend that you would help her husband abuse her if you were paid to do so. That will let her know what sort of person you are and allow her to make her own choices. If she has left an abusive man she will have been through worse and come out stronger. But you have let her down very badly OP and you must face up to that.

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