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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this out of order to my friend? Difficult dilemma. WWYD?

455 replies

Headfulahorlix · 27/02/2016 20:12

Made a good friend a few years ago. She lives on my street. DCs are friends and we do play dates and baby sit for each other and some times go out for weekends. She moved to this street after her unhappy relationship came to an end and she feels her ex is controlling which I have witnessed and so believe.

I put my house on the market. He has offered me the full asking price.

I am desperate to move.

Would you sell to him in my position?

OP posts:
lostlalaloopsy · 28/02/2016 09:42

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

TheSquashyHatOfMrGnosspelius · 28/02/2016 09:43

Has the ex put his house on the market? If so then you know he is serious or does he have the price of your house in a bank account so he is instantly proceedable? He must have her street on online estate agents search areas to be alerted so soon to a house available near his ex. Does not all that creep you out even to a tiny degree OP? You should have ignored his offer and never mentioned it to the friend until after you have sold it to a nice person and then told her so she knows what he is up to. Her knowing his next likely move would put her one step ahead but you do not seem interested in that, sadly.

Hennifer · 28/02/2016 09:45

Jeesus. Sad

Why do you think he has offered to buy your house? FFS

why do you think no one else will offer you the same?

I can't believe you would even consider this.

I wouldn't sell my house to someone who behaved like him anyway, whether or not there was a personal issue at stake for me or one of my friends.

Only do business with decent people.

DoreenLethal · 28/02/2016 09:50

Aw bless you OP - if you are 4 real then what you just did is abuse your 'friend' by proxy. It's all a game to people like him.

Pidapie · 28/02/2016 09:54

No way.

Narp · 28/02/2016 09:57

Do the right thing OP

To answer your question about what our 'OHs' would do... I married someone decent so he'd agree with me.

I am aware how sanctimonious that sounds but I don't care

wotoodoo · 28/02/2016 09:57

My bf had a controlling, nonviolent ex who she chose to move close to so that their ds could come home from school with the minimum of disruption, they have joint custody.

They both have new partners now and actually, it was good to see both sides putting the interest of their ds first.

As she knows about the possibility of him moving there and only lives 2 streets anyway it might be in the best interest of their child to be able to walk between both houses.

Blondeshavemorefun · 28/02/2016 10:01

I could understand thinking about accepting the offer if house had been on market for months and your jobs was few hours drive

But a few days and 5 miles Hmm

You should have gone to friends andy told her face to face. Her reaction would have told you what you need to know

He lives 2 streets away - why does he need to be nearer

By all means sell to him but you will lose a friend and any self respect you may have

Did ex come and look at property? He's prob mind game playing with you

Why your house if many others in the street

Don't do it

AddToBasket · 28/02/2016 10:01

My DH wouldn't have let your friend's ex over our threshold.

Magpie18 · 28/02/2016 10:03

Just RTFT - hope this is a wind-up? That poor "friend" couldn't be so unlucky surely, a controlling bastard ex and a phoney user so called "good friend" - OP if not, it is a despicable thing to do and you will come to regret it.

RavioliOnToast · 28/02/2016 10:04

Never in a million years and id say depending on the circumstances of their relationship, you're a shite friend if you do

wotoodoo · 28/02/2016 10:05

Come to think about it I know of several other divorced couples who have chosen to live close to each other so that their children can attend the same school, keep the same friends and are able to carry on as close to normal despite the disruption in their lives.

Out of these couples, 2 had bad dv (the wife stuck a pitchfork in her ex's head) and they live across the road in the same village now. The wife says things are much better now they have separate homes and are able to be civil now for the sake of the dc.

ohforfoxsake · 28/02/2016 10:06

You simply should have gone around and spoken to her when he viewed it. That is what a friend would have done. You aren't her friend.

bluecashmere · 28/02/2016 10:07

Tbh even if a a complete stranger came to view my house and mentioned he was moving to be on the same street as his ex I would be concerned until I had spoken to her. I freaked out when my controlling ex just moved to the same town. I hope this isn't for real.

MrsCampbellBlack · 28/02/2016 10:09

With friends like the OP . . .

MidniteScribbler · 28/02/2016 10:13

Aside from it being a disgusting thing to do to your friend, I doubt he's even going to follow through on the purchase. You said there are a few houses available in the street, so why yours? Because he knows you'll tell your friend, then she'll panic about it for a few months, then he'll pull out. It's a control issue, and you're the meat in the sandwich.

SmallLegsOrSmallEggs · 28/02/2016 10:15

Do you remember and keep us updated though OP so we can told you do when your sale to the fuckwit falls through.

BadDoGooder · 28/02/2016 10:22

It's a horrible, disgusting thing to do.
You are no friend at all if you are seriously considering this.
And I am concerned that your H doesn't see anything wrong with this. I just asked my DP and he thinks you are out of order too. I was in an abusive relationship, if my friend over the road sold him her house I would ditch her faster than the pile of poo she would be.

If you do accept his offer, I hope he screws you over, and you end up losing both the sale and your friend.
There is no way I would have even considered this for even a second.
No wonder this country's going to the dogs, with such selfish people as the OP in it.

thekaratekid · 28/02/2016 10:24

Assuming this isn't a wind up.

Jeeeez.....5 miles! Get a bike. Hmm

I wouldn't have even let him view the house, assuming you did the viewing yourself and not the agent. It's not a serious offer and shouldn't be considered as such. It is just another stalking tactic. He will pull out at the last moment. Your poor "friend". She is probably not replying to you as she is probably completely panicking and freaking out.

For those people saying "oh it's a financial trasaction and not an emotional one"...no wonder the world is so messed up. Money isn't everything, especially when someone's wellbeing and safety is at risk.

BrightBagLady · 28/02/2016 10:30

Wow, I am clearly living in a parallel universe where the cost of moving/buying/selling houses to move a few miles to be for a new job or even to buy something 2 streets away to be closer to your ex is something people actually do.

Moving for schools - yes. I can see that. But actually - what about your DC OP - will they be changing schools? What will happen if your "new job" (is it in the media/TV/tabloid press by any chance) doesn't work out. Would you not be better waiting to see how the job pans out before you move?

And don't forget - if you and this "ex" can move at the drop of a hat - so can your poor friend. You say "She owns and cant move for a few years" why is this. Are her costs of moving prohibitive - where as yours/his are not?

NeedsAsockamnesty · 28/02/2016 10:32

I wouldn't do this never in a million years.

And I love money!

Damselindestress · 28/02/2016 10:37

You asked what people's OH's think. My DH grew up on the run from his controlling, abusive father. DH and his mother had to move multiple times, disrupting his education and ability to form friendships. He used to lie awake at night afraid his father would find them, break in and kill them. He spent some time in temporary care when his mother had a breakdown because of the stress. It destroyed his childhood. He asked me to share that in the hope of sparing another child from going through the same thing.

Just because your friend's ex hasn't been physically abusive yet, to your knowledge, doesn't mean she isn't at risk. This kind of controlling, possessive behaviour can be a precursor to physical abuse and is very psychologically damaging in and of itself. He is showing her that she will never be safe, she will never be free of him and you are helping him to do that.

You asked our opinions and our OH's opinions, how many different people have to tell you that this is wrong before you will listen? If you don't care about your friend, think of her children. If you don't care about her children, consider that this man is manipulative and playing mind games so he will probably mess you around on the house purchase once he has ruined your friendship. It would actually be easier and more straightforward for you to wait for another buyer with no ulterior motive.

YoniMitchell · 28/02/2016 10:43

I can't think how you can possibly reconcile all of the inevitable fallout from this selfish idea with the benefit that 5 miles brings. No friend would do that.

BarbaraofSeville · 28/02/2016 10:46

Don't know why people are making such a big deal about the 5 mile commute. If the OP has to do this by car at rush hour for whatever reason (disability, equipment to carry, school runs to factor in) it could take close to an hour in many cities. I'm sure the OP has identified an advantage in moving under her circumstances. 5 miles doesn't always equal an easy 5 or 10 minute drive.

But I assume that the ex isn't wanting to move close to the friend so he can play an equal role in parenting his DCs? I'm sure for some people, this arrangement could work quite well for shared parenting amongst ex partners? Maybe he is renting the property 2 streets away and wants to buy close by? Of course he may be an evil stalker but until the OP has talked to the friend, we can't just assume that.

LadyStoicIsBack · 28/02/2016 10:52

WhirlyTwos Sun 28-Feb-16 09:18:42

How many other houses are for sale on your street OP? Are they all a similar architecture and price?

Yet ANOTHER valid and direct Q, but again with no answer??? Why did you even post OP?

Either this is real, in which case you must have some sociopathic tendencies yourself to be so lacking in empathy if you genuinely don't get why this is so horrendous.

OR pp's are right and it's a wind-up. Which, given the reality if it is NOT a wind-up, I am seriously hoping turns out to be the case.

So yep, another one reporting.