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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to fall for a very old friend?

531 replies

ThisRainWasOnceTheSea · 27/02/2016 00:08

So I can't talk to my IRL friends about this as we are a close knit group and I'm worried about it going wrong. But I am in a bit of a pickle.

I recently met up with a man I have been friends with for years but for one reason or another, haven't seen for the last couple of years. We have been out for dinner and/or drinks about 5 times in the last couple of weeks, sometimes alone, sometimes with friends.

The time before last we were mistaken for a couple by a drunk old boy trying to make conversation. Neither of us corrected him - keen to escape - but I kind of glowed when he referred to me as 'your lady', to my friend. When we left I was suddenly overwhelmed with an urge to kiss him goodbye. (I bottled it and kissed his cheek. Unusual for us as we are both very reserved and a bit awkward.)

We ran into each other last night and had a drink. I had bailed on a very big fancy party, and he was surprised but pleased to see me. I went home at the end of the night and kept waking up in the night trying to make sense of it all.

We are around the same age, he is a little older, and both single. He is painfully shy (I think he has only had one serious girlfriend) and I have a (frankly undeserved) reputation as being a bit of a slapper. We share interests, can sit and talk all night, text almost every day. I don't want to jump him - he would run for the hills - but I can't shake the quiet realisation that I may be falling in love with my kind, shy, gentle friend.

Where do I go from here?

OP posts:
Fatmomma99 · 27/02/2016 00:22

Awwww! This is so sweet.

You fall in love, get married and live happily ever after, obviously!

Good luck. I hope this works out for you!

(ok... this is the internet after all...): Make sure you're not projecting some unmet need in your life onto this situation, and that you do genuinely like him for him.
Assuming that is so, you may have to be a little more forward than us Laidies like to be, in just making it clear to him that you are interested and available things like "oh, you're SINGLE? Gosh, and you're so attractive, I'm really surprised" or "OH, I absolutely love xxx, and I'd LOVE to go and see (????) but don't have anyone to go with... Maybe we could go together?" and other things.

Make it clear you're happy to see him "oooo.... you being here has made my night - I know I'll enjoy this evening now".

Boost his confidence, obvs!

~Good luck! and hope it works out for you.

Come back and tell us if you pull him

(p.s. Wear nice pants when you see him - just in case!)

Fatmomma99 · 27/02/2016 00:24

p.s. the fact that you're in comms with each other a LOT is saying volumes.

And, it's really corny, but one of ways I pulled my DH was telling him I was surprised he was single.

lostinmiddlemarch · 27/02/2016 00:24

The word 'quiet' made me feel I was reading fiction. However, assuming it's not, I would go where you want it to go and not worry about consequences or overthink it. You clearly do things slowly and this feels significant - not lust, that could be ignored and can't be trusted. I think you should live each day very fully in the moment, not obsessing over this but enjoying this bit of what could be a long and wonderful journey Flowers

lostinmiddlemarch · 27/02/2016 00:26

I suppose that translates to kiss him next time, and don't turn a hair when word gets out. People date. It's what they do.

SignoraStronza · 27/02/2016 00:29

Sounds like a similar story to mine op. In fact, a mutual friend compiled pics for this man's
recent 'big' birthday and there was a lovely photo of us sitting together, somewhere in our early 20s. At that point, he was engaged to wife #1 and I was about to emigrate with the abusive arse who fathered my dc1.Blush We looked like such a happy couple.
We've (finally) been happily married nearly 5 years now. I console myself with the fact that I might not have appreciated him as much when we were younger. He, incidentally, was warned off me many years back because I was something of a 'maneater' just wanted to be loved and v insecure and I though he was 'too nice' didn't think that could also mean extremely naughty.Blush We had obvious chemistry but never even snogged.
I'd say GO FOR IT!Grin

Original poster
ThisRainWasOnceTheSea · 27/02/2016 00:37

@lostinmiddlemarch I wish it WAS fiction as it would be far more predictable, ha. I have known him for years and always confided in him, seen him regularly, hung out. I don't think I have any unmet needs, I have a beautiful home, good friends, a gorgeous child, hobbies, a job I love. I've been single for about a year healing from a broken engagement and taking time for me. I have had zero interest in dating - I like my life as it is......I just like it more now he's back in it. The thing is he is so shy that I don't want to terrify him. I kind of think I should just enjoy our very nice wholesome friendship and not spoil it...but...bah!!

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SignoraStronza · 27/02/2016 00:37

Oh, and your comment about him being painfully shy are interesting. DH never thought I was interested, despite the fact that (when both single) I'd let him give me a back rub and taken my bra off to make it more comfortable.Wink I'd assumed he'd get my number off a mutual friend if he were interested for once playing it cool. He was a bit of a 'late bloomer' and had no idea when girls were keen. Could have been an absolute bastard if he'd had a bit more confidence and insight.
Just jump on him, you'll make his day, and yours.

Original poster
ThisRainWasOnceTheSea · 27/02/2016 00:37

@signorastronza 😁

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Original poster
ThisRainWasOnceTheSea · 27/02/2016 00:42

We fell out when I started seeing one of his friends a few years ago who was a BASTARD. He tried to warn me, we inevitably lost touch, Bastard Friend left me soon after (and was cheating incessantly). It's taken us about 2 1/2 years to get back to 'going down the pub'...

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SignoraStronza · 27/02/2016 00:46

Naah, he was worth the wait - hope he'd say similar about me. Grin I was actually invited to his wedding #1Shock. Am so glad I couldn't go, would have probably made a complete tit of myself to be honest. Is strange how things work out with age and experience though. When we got it together the was no mucking about. No awkward introductions to many of each others' old friends either!

Original poster
ThisRainWasOnceTheSea · 27/02/2016 02:21

I kind of started to suspect myself when I was late to every pub jaunt because of sudden outfit agony and makeup. Normally a three-day-old-jeans and baggy jumper person and was suddenly turning up in sprayed-on jeans, sheer blouses and Best Bra. The first time we went out was with friends and they all commented...except him. But as I said, he is extremely shy. (Caught him looking a couple of times though...!) I guess I don't want to spoil our friendship, especially as it's just getting back on track. Should I just keep up the pub-jaunts, make some eyes, flirt my tits off, and gauge it? Sound out a mutual friend? Just be a cocking floozy? STFU and keep things as they are?! 😔😔😔

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LindyHemming · 27/02/2016 02:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
ThisRainWasOnceTheSea · 27/02/2016 03:04

Oh I don't think I could play games, he's known me too long and it's not my style. I am what I am. I'm just struggling with whether to try to shake it off and keep our lovely friendship, or gently go for a handhold next time we're in the pub...

...and I am generally never this analytical or thoughtful about these things, but I really, really don't want to fuck it all up. I'd be happier being friends that get pissed and put the world to rights than losng

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Original poster
ThisRainWasOnceTheSea · 27/02/2016 03:10

...posted too quick, last sentence was meant to be 'rather than losing it all for an awkward snog'.

I think I should see him again. If it all stays as friends then hell, I'm (mostly) enjoying the surprising, socking great crush anyway. I just don't want to be a twat.

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Original poster
ThisRainWasOnceTheSea · 27/02/2016 03:12

Euphemia

Ermmmm I'M basically Sheldon. But hey even he got his girl in the end 😄😄

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Original poster
ThisRainWasOnceTheSea · 27/02/2016 13:09

Bump bump bump - we are going out tonight...!! Helllllp!

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Original poster
ThisRainWasOnceTheSea · 27/02/2016 13:10

Bump bump bump - we are going out tonight...!! Helllllp!

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LindyHemming · 27/02/2016 14:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
ThisRainWasOnceTheSea · 27/02/2016 15:16

Out out. Pub. As usual. I have bought a face mask. I am cursing that the Sexy Sheer Blouse has had quite so many outings this week that I definitely cannot wear it tonight. I'm wondering if heels to a Wetherspoons is too much when you've spent the last 6 years in DMs and Converse. Fucks sake!!

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BirthdayBetty · 27/02/2016 15:24

How lovely, come on, tell him, kiss him Smile

Finola1step · 27/02/2016 15:28

Go as you usually would but wear nice underwear. See what happens.

Pacothepidgeon · 27/02/2016 15:30

My good friend is now my DH Grin good luck for tonight!

MyFriendGoo52 · 27/02/2016 15:32

Tsk. Don't be too vampish if he's the shy type.......keep it casual and invite him in for a kebab at the end of the night Hmm

Original poster
ThisRainWasOnceTheSea · 27/02/2016 16:38

Vampish. Now there's a word nobody has ever used to describe me before Grin

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Original poster
ThisRainWasOnceTheSea · 27/02/2016 16:40

Finola1step - it's taken me this long to work out the tingly grin might mean I wanna hold his hand, I reckon we're a way off nice underwear (but I have been for confidence reasons ho hum)

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