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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my DH being unreasonable or am I?

391 replies

Pregasaurusrex · 26/02/2016 17:38

We are expecting our first baby and it's not been an easy pregnancy and I am currently undergoing every test under the sun. I struggle massively with anxiety and loss of control- which I am working on. I've only told my very few close friends and work that I am expecting. We did tell a few more people after the 20 week scan. Today my husband has been into work and shown his colleagues the scan picture ( of the inside of my body!) and I found out he's been telling people for weeks and just not telling me. I really am struggling, much planned baby, but all off work, have terrible dark thoughts about my tummy getting bigger etc. Is it to much to ask, that he respects my need for privacy and tries to show some understanding. I get that exciting for him and hard for him to see me go through this. I have explained my feelings to him and asked him not to share my medical info etc - so I don't understand why he can't just keep his gob shut!

OP posts:
voddiekeepsmesane · 26/02/2016 20:50

Yeah lets say life with a newborn is sooo easy and the feelings that most new mothers have are just a myth huh fart, Why not allow new mothers know what most of us as new mothers go through and know ...that this to will pass

Myredcardigan · 26/02/2016 20:51

Actually, ithought, ignorance is not bliss when it comes to parenthood. And being prepared is the absolute best way to counter anxiety. I've not ranted on about dramatic childbirth and all that can entail -which incidentally op is not a given. Many women have nice straightforward first births. Everything I posted will likely happen. None of it bad, just normal. All of it better faced if the op is forewarned.

IThoughtItWasAFart · 26/02/2016 20:51

Ah look, someone educated and experienced. On the OP's side.

I'm so shocked I might die.

ridemesideways · 26/02/2016 20:52

I am not suicidal or self harming. Thanks for diagnosing me though!

I did not suggest you were. I was saying as to why mental health issues during pregnancy shouldn't be minimised by anyone. See the above too (cross posted).

IThoughtItWasAFart · 26/02/2016 20:53

Who said ignorance is bliss? Not me?

Who mentioned the word ignorance at all?

Not me.

Katenka · 26/02/2016 20:56

ride have you found where I bullied the Op yet?

LoveBoursin · 26/02/2016 20:59

Yes cardigan but there is a place and a way to do so.

Ther OP was talking about her DH sharing health info with his co workers. The fact that her liver isn't working as it should etc...
In any other circumstances, she would have been told YANBU in a unanimous way.

She also said she is struggling with anxiety eytc... about the pregnancy (which seeing the circumstances isn't that surprising). Telling her it will just get worse wo any other information and wo any form of support isn't right.
Yes ignorance is not bliss. But knowledge wo support isn't bliss either. It can easily make everything 10 times worse. And there lies the issue with your post. Had you been able to support the OP after telling her that, give her the info she needs, let her talk about her fears etc etc, then it would have been appropriate.

IThoughtItWasAFart · 26/02/2016 20:59

Voddie why would we tell the OP that new horns were 'sooooooo easy'?
How odd?

Why tell one extreme or the other?

Who on earth would go out their way to tell a pregnant woman they were 'sooooooo easy' or hell on earth as the above?

Seriously? Who does that? Genuine question?

If my friend was pregnant MH issues or not, I'd never tell her the hell of my first born, nor that she'll be in bliss with an easy one like my second.

I just listen.

Listen.

And don't judge.

Have you tried that?

LoveBoursin · 26/02/2016 21:01

YY ride

And yes she is right to feel betrayed. In any other circumstances, no one would ahve thought otherwise.
Imagine someone who has been diagnose with cancer but doesn't want anyone to know. Would it right for her DH?DW to talk about it with her co workers? It's not any different.

NuckyT · 26/02/2016 21:03

Thought

You haven't listened to anyone whose opinion doesn't square precisely with yours - you've just had a go them.

voddiekeepsmesane · 26/02/2016 21:06

fart no need to be condescending and yes I do listen and don't judge but doesn't mean that I don't give advice whether the recipient takes that advice is up to them. I don't think cardigans post was extreme in any way. It was just stating that facts of a new born. Whether you read parenting books or go on a parenting website such as mumsnet it is not anything new just common sense that was written.

IThoughtItWasAFart · 26/02/2016 21:06

Nope. You're exactly right Nucky, I've been listening to the OP.

The OP who started this thread. The person who is suffering MH problems, the person this thread is about.

Unless of course your think people's opinions on here are more important that the OP's mental health and wellbeing?

RubbleBubble00 · 26/02/2016 21:07

Perhaps this is your husbands way of coping with the stress by being excited and positive. He may have shared the results because he's scared for you and the baby and needed to express to someone

Myredcardigan · 26/02/2016 21:09

Actually, Love, I think my post was supportive. I told the op we all feel that way. I told the op that the things she may well experience are more common that she might imagine at the time because when you're in the thick of it, it's easy to feel alone and isolated. I told her it passes. I told her in order to help her prepare for the out of control feelings that all new mums feel at some point.

Myredcardigan · 26/02/2016 21:12

And I most certainly did not talk in extremes. If you know anything about childbirth and parenthood then you'll know full well that my post was nothing remotely resembling extreme.

NuckyT · 26/02/2016 21:13

Thought

It's a chat thread - do you not suppose the OP posted to get a range of opinions?

user7755 · 26/02/2016 21:14

IMHO you are overthinking this, probably because of your anxiety but it is cyclical and your overthinking is causing your anxiety.

Baby is as much dh's as yours, he is well within his rights to talk to people about this and to show people the scan photos (which unless they are new fancy scans which I'm not familiar with, only show shadowy edges which no-one ever looks at anyway), your reaction is quite extreme.

You could argue that he shouldn't have told people about your blood tests but if it was in the context of 'I'm a bit worried about the baby / pregnancy', it's completely understandable.

Your comments about your work colleagues are quite blunt and convey a very negative attitude that wouldn't go down well in any of the teams I have worked in / managed. The word subordinate makes me cringe - if anyone used it in seriousness near me I would be Shock

If you are waiting for a referral why don't you have a look at some of the self help CBT online?

NuckyT · 26/02/2016 21:16

cardigan

For what it's worth, I thought your post was very supportive and helpful. Mental health issues can be very lonely, as you think no-one could understand your feelings - demonstrating that many of the anxieties a new mum will face are very common is helpful.

Original poster
Pregasaurusrex · 26/02/2016 21:17

Merely used the word subordinate to illustrate the point that there was not a single reason for them to know. Are we now casting aspersions on my Mh and managerial style...

OP posts:
ridemesideways · 26/02/2016 21:18

Sorry Katenka, I should have made it clear that by me saying the OP didn't need bullying, that was in reference to the general tone of the responses, not you specifically.

All you have done is told the OP that she is being unfair, told her to try and calm down, said he has a right to share information with his friends despite her expressed wishes to the contrary, and insinuated that her issues are controlling everyone around her, every day.

IThoughtItWasAFart · 26/02/2016 21:18

And out of interest Nucky how helpful do you think your posts have been to the OP.

On a scale of 1-10?

NuckyT · 26/02/2016 21:20

Thought

Why do you ask? Are you looking for something to grade your hectoring of other posters against?

IThoughtItWasAFart · 26/02/2016 21:27

I'm her supporting the OP don't reflect your lack of posts or input on me.

Are your supporting the OP or against? Or are you just jumping in at the end to pick out a particular poster?

user7755 · 26/02/2016 21:27

'We' are not casting any aspersions on either MH or managerial style.

'I' don't like the word subordinate because it conveys a value judgement in my view. 'I' also feel that the best teams work as a team and feel like a team, not a hierarchy. 'Your' post was quite negative about your colleagues and 'I' picked up on that because I felt that it conveyed a sense of quite an unfriendly working environment. So I'm not surprised that you don't want to share news of your pregnancy at work.

I honestly think that your thinking style, conveyed by all your posts is unhelpful (in the sense that it is creating negative emotions), and that CBT might help you with this. You have clearly been saying throughout the post that you have MH issues which are affecting how you feel, that's not your fault, but your feelings won't change till you start to recognise and challenge unhelpful thinking (which is why I suggested online CBT while you wait for your referral)

voddiekeepsmesane · 26/02/2016 21:31

Why is your world so black and white Fart. In your eyes you either need to be in full support of the OP or you are totally against her.

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