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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my DH being unreasonable or am I?

391 replies

Pregasaurusrex · 26/02/2016 17:38

We are expecting our first baby and it's not been an easy pregnancy and I am currently undergoing every test under the sun. I struggle massively with anxiety and loss of control- which I am working on. I've only told my very few close friends and work that I am expecting. We did tell a few more people after the 20 week scan. Today my husband has been into work and shown his colleagues the scan picture ( of the inside of my body!) and I found out he's been telling people for weeks and just not telling me. I really am struggling, much planned baby, but all off work, have terrible dark thoughts about my tummy getting bigger etc. Is it to much to ask, that he respects my need for privacy and tries to show some understanding. I get that exciting for him and hard for him to see me go through this. I have explained my feelings to him and asked him not to share my medical info etc - so I don't understand why he can't just keep his gob shut!

OP posts:
Original poster
Pregasaurusrex · 26/02/2016 21:32

Sorry- if that is how it comes across. I am feeling a little attacked on here to be honest. Work colleagues are fine, just colleagues in a place I've worked in less than six months.

OP posts:
Storminateapot · 26/02/2016 21:33

I'm sorry you're having a tough time. I totally understand control issues, I'm the poster girl for it!, and I also had a high risk pregnancy with lots of tests & scans.

You know YABU. The reasons make sense to you, but they are a bit out of step with how most people are when pregnant. Your DH could have been a bit more sensitive, but his not really 'getting it' isn't unreasonable as your feelings are complex & unusual. It seems part of your need to control is a need to control him too and that's a bit unfair.

I'm glad you're awaiting proper help, because with the best will in the world there are going to be aspects of your further pregnancy, the birth and the upbringing of your child that you will be unable to fully control so you do need to develop your strategies for dealing with that.

You can do it though, none of this is insurmountable.

IThoughtItWasAFart · 26/02/2016 21:34

The answer is below yours 'Voddie' because the OP needed support. And how did she feel?

It WAS that black and white. Maybe not to you but you aren't suffering the MH the OP is.

NuckyT · 26/02/2016 21:36

I posted a couple of hours ago with my opinion, but I've read on since and felt that you were jumping on posters unnecessarily where their posts and views did not chime with yours.

Sophia1984 · 26/02/2016 21:37

Pregasaurex I'm 17 weeks pregnant and everything is physically ok so far, but I have an anxiety disorder that has worsened and have spent a lot of time worrying. I completely understand your point of view.

I've sort of been in the opposite position where I've been ok telling people since 12 weeks (and had told my best friends beforehand) but DP has been less willing. I am completely respecting his desire to not share information about me being pregnant on social media, as he feels really uncomfortable. I think it is a decision couples should make together, so I can understand why you feel hurt that he has told people without you knowing. Do you think he may have felt that was his only option because he knew it would upset you? I think we can sometimes underestimate the impacts our anxieties have on our loved ones, and it may be that he is having his own worries about the pregnancy, but that his strategy is to seek out the happiness that comes from sharing the news.

The loss of control thing is a massive issue for me, and pregnancy/having children is pretty much about a lack of control so I do understand how you feel. Are you getting any help? My midwife has referred me to the perinatal psychiatry team and I have my first appointment next week.

What's been done can't be undone, but I think the way forward is to sit down with your husband and try and non-judgementally listen to why he did it, then explain your point of view and try and come to a compromise - e.g. he can tell people the news, but now show the scan or discuss test results.

Sending you love and strength x

Original poster
Pregasaurusrex · 26/02/2016 21:38

I also have no need to control my husband. Just what he is saying about my body, to people I don't know nor will ever meet.

OP posts:
Out2pasture · 26/02/2016 21:38

i won't read and run. positive thoughts coming your way Preg. but new life is so exciting and brings such hope and anticipation i understand more your dh's need to share than your need for privacy.
I've met a few who request the privacy but honestly it is very hard on excited family members.
no one lives in a solitary bubble so it's just too hard to stay silent.

voddiekeepsmesane · 26/02/2016 21:41

Fart this is a chat site. While we all (well most of us) are sympathetic to posters we don't have to be sycophantic. Mumsnet has always IMO been a place of many many opinions

voddiekeepsmesane · 26/02/2016 21:44

As I have said before Preg I agree with you when it comes to outside the 'normal' tests but I do feel that he needs to feel part of the pregnancy too

whattodowiththepoo · 26/02/2016 21:47

Is he a part of your pregnancy? Or because it's your body is he not? It takes 2 people to make a baby and he is a part of it, he is excited and rationalising so give him a break.
If this is your biggest worry you are doing very well.

ample · 26/02/2016 21:49

..the inside of my body
Seriously?
YABU. It's a scan picture. He's excited even if you are anxious.
There comes a point during a pregnancy where you no longer control what people say about your pregnancy. You may want control but you won't get it.

Are you going to be okay once the baby is born? I ask the question because feelings don't automatically dissipate into thin air post partum.
I hope you have someone you are comfortable talking with.

Original poster
Pregasaurusrex · 26/02/2016 21:51

He is part of my pregnancy of course, but my body is my own ( although it doesn't feel like it!).

OP posts:
voddiekeepsmesane · 26/02/2016 21:53

While yes you body is your own ...you are also carrying a child inside that is also his ...there needs to be compromise hard as that might be

Reapwhatyousow · 26/02/2016 21:53

Come on now op, let it go, relax. Plan to do something nice for someone else tomorrow. Accept that the world does not revolve around you and you will be much happier.

Original poster
Pregasaurusrex · 26/02/2016 21:54

At what point did I make any mention of the world revolving around me?!

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 26/02/2016 21:58

Oh OP you've had a battering here haven't you and I'm sure it's all very hard to read

I think the anxiety and issues you are struggling have skewed your views a bit and I think your DH hasn't really done anything wrong. But of course that doesn't negate how you feel about it.

Try and see this thread not as a kicking, but as a great opportunity to try and see where you are and perhaps ask for some help and support in getting to a place where you are less unhappy and anxious

Congratulations on your pregnancy, wish you all the very best with it Thanks

Original poster
Pregasaurusrex · 26/02/2016 22:02

It has been difficult to read. I find it a sad reflection of mental health perception. I hope that those who feel that I am "hard work" and that I think "the world revolves around me" never have to suffer the crippling level of anxiety and worry that I face on a day to day basis- which unfortunately had been exarcabated by pregnancy.

OP posts:
Katenka · 26/02/2016 22:05

Sorry Katenka, I should have made it clear that by me saying the OP didn't need bullying, that was in reference to the general tone of the responses, not you specifically.

The tone is down to you and what you think it is. You have no idea of the tone I was typing it with. Accusing someone of bullying is quite disgusting, especially when it comes from something you are adding in.

I asked the op to clarify what medical information he had shared and never said he was entitled to share it all, actually.

Having an opinion is not bullying.

DancingDinosaur · 26/02/2016 22:07

Oh op, you are being a little unreasonable, but if thats how you feel thats how it is. I wouldn't get angry at your dh though, really, his excitement and wanting to share that you are both having a baby is ok. And its nice. But not for you as you're feeling a bit rubbish right now. I'm glad you're getting some help for your anxiety, try and relax a bit if you can Flowers

BitOutOfPractice · 26/02/2016 22:10

I know. I hope so too. But try and look at the kinder posts and pick out of them the bits that sound sensible. The long and the short of it is that your feelings about the scan photo, for example, are quite extreme and if you were my friend or loved one I'd try and gently tell you that. Not to dismiss those feelings, but to try and help you get the help and support you need to regain some equilibrium.

Words on a screen are just that. Words. And sometimes even the most well-intentioned words can "sound" harsh even if they were meant kindly

ridemesideways · 26/02/2016 22:12

You have no idea of the tone I was typing it with

I was not referring to your tone, but the general tone of the thread. Hope that clears things up for you.

BitOutOfPractice · 26/02/2016 22:13

And these side squabbles aren't really helpful are they when the OP is already feeling anxious

lotbyname · 26/02/2016 22:20

This must be very difficult for your and also your OH. Perhaps he needed to talk and chose people who, I assume, didn't know you and therefore could have little direct come back to you?

If after the 20 week scan every time I wanted to talk to someone and couldn't, it would be a stab direct to my fears. After a while I would just dump on someone.

Good luck

bumblebee1234 · 26/02/2016 22:28

I wouldn't worry about the scan picture I bet they were trying to guess the sex of the baby. Just tell him how you feel without getting stressed. There is nothing wrong with him telling people that you are pregnant you can't hide it forever.

Enjoy your pregnancy and don't worry about your weight this is the time when you are meant to be stress free. You can't controll everything and you can't control babies they cry when they want they feed when they want. There will be times when you look messy with milk dripping on your clothes. This is the time to enjoy when you are pregnant. My baby cried for 3 hrs per night for 6 weeks because he had colic. Talk to your midwife and sort out your issues with anxiety and control they will help you.

Try to be a bit more kinder to your husband he loves you and the little bundle of joy you are carrying. You don't want to push him away you need him as your rock.

Phalenopsisgirl · 26/02/2016 22:31

A scan picture isn't really private medical stuff, if he took photos of your vagina and passed them around then that'd be different - if you are concerned because the pregnancy may end or need to be terminated then please don't, I'm sure people would be compassionate and it may help for people to know so they could be more sensitive. No one need know how or why the pregnancy came to an end, a simple "we lost the baby" is all anyone needs to know. I'm sure everything will be fine though and you'll look back in a couple of years, all will be well and this will all seem so insignificant