Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my DH being unreasonable or am I?

391 replies

Pregasaurusrex · 26/02/2016 17:38

We are expecting our first baby and it's not been an easy pregnancy and I am currently undergoing every test under the sun. I struggle massively with anxiety and loss of control- which I am working on. I've only told my very few close friends and work that I am expecting. We did tell a few more people after the 20 week scan. Today my husband has been into work and shown his colleagues the scan picture ( of the inside of my body!) and I found out he's been telling people for weeks and just not telling me. I really am struggling, much planned baby, but all off work, have terrible dark thoughts about my tummy getting bigger etc. Is it to much to ask, that he respects my need for privacy and tries to show some understanding. I get that exciting for him and hard for him to see me go through this. I have explained my feelings to him and asked him not to share my medical info etc - so I don't understand why he can't just keep his gob shut!

OP posts:
IThoughtItWasAFart · 26/02/2016 20:09

Eh? How the eff did I break the guidelines?

What, stick up for a pregnant mother with MH problems?

I didn't call troll. I just defended a person??

Katenka · 26/02/2016 20:10

Men can and do walk away, they enjoy certain freedoms that a woman cannot, by virtue of the fact that she is the one carrying the child.

Those men are dickheads and Rightly get called that on mn. Because it's their child they walk away from

ride I am fully aware of MH issues thanks. One think that rarely helps is letting the issues control everyone around you, every day.

voddiekeepsmesane · 26/02/2016 20:10

So the mother issues over ride the fathers during pregnancy but you are fucked if as a father as soon as the child is born that you don't bond etc . This man is just wanting to yell from the rooftops about his child to be and voicing his concerns to people I assume knows and likes. OMG he has anxieties about impending fatherhood who would have guessed

ridemesideways · 26/02/2016 20:16

One think that rarely helps is letting the issues control everyone around you, every day.

Show me where the OP said she was controlling his life every day? This thread is about a DH specifically doing the opposite of what was asked of him, for very valid reasons.

Have you ever met and understood the needs of a suicidal pregnant woman? Do not underestimate the impact that the perinatal period can have on one's MH. OP needs support, not pushing or bullying.

ohtheholidays · 26/02/2016 20:17

No there isn't any real need for him to share your blood test results so you need to tell him you don't want him sharing that information.So YANBU.

But the scan picture he is showing the first physical thing that he has that shows the child that he's having with you.But on this YABU OP.

You sound like your having a really horrendous time at the moment,I know you've said your waiting to be seen OP,if it was me I'd be talking to the midwife your under this weekend if you can if not I'd be contacting her Monday morning to make sure they get you the support you want sooner rather than later.

Good Luck with the rest of your pregnancy I hope things start getting easier for you OP,pregnancy's hard enough anyways without having anything else going on. Flowers

Katenka · 26/02/2016 20:18

ride yes I have been one. Thanks very much. Is that enough for you?

Am I now allowed my opinion?

Maybemable · 26/02/2016 20:19

Hey OP sending love. Pregnancy V confusing time, hormones going berserk, first baby.try not to too hard on yourself or on DH. Agree could be worth discussing with midwife/GP. Have had lots of preg related complications so relate to your worries however if all well important for you both to be able to enjoy and celebrate.

ridemesideways · 26/02/2016 20:19

Suicide and self harm is one of the biggest preventable killers of women during pregnancy and the postnatal period.

I don't understand how any of you DARE tell the OP that she should suck it up.

ridemesideways · 26/02/2016 20:22

*ride yes I have been one. Thanks very much. Is that enough for you?

Am I now allowed my opinion?*

I didn't say you weren't allowed an opinion. You seek to challenge the OP and display no understanding of her point of view.

Badders123 · 26/02/2016 20:23

You resorted to name calling.
Not sure its defending someone by attacking someone else. Also rather means you rather lose the moral highground which you so obv seem to think you inhabit.

Katenka · 26/02/2016 20:26

You seek to challenge the OP and display no understanding of her point of view.

I suggest you read all my posts.

Katenka · 26/02/2016 20:27

Can you quote where I bullied the Op?

Myredcardigan · 26/02/2016 20:28

I think you should treat this as practice for when the baby comes because the truth is that the majority of new mothers feel out of control even without MH issues at play.

When baby comes you won't know what's hit you-none of us do with our first.

Babies cry when they're tired rather than sleep. They poo everywhere. They're sick down your back just as you're about to leave the house. They sometimes scream for hours and there's no rhyme or reason to it and all you can do is walk them up and down for 3hours until it passes. And it will, and you'll likely never know what caused it. You will be massively anxious about their health. All new mums are. Babies can spike a fever in minutes and it can be terrifying.
You'll think you're the only mum ever to feel out of control but we've all been there.

You'll also need to get used to relinquishing control of baby to your DH sometimes. He'll want to take baby out or sometimes make unilateral decisions if he's the one caring. He'll maybe not put the same amount of layers on baby as you would or not hold baby the way you like to. Just little things but can seem like massive issues to a new mum with anxiety. Also slowly prepare yourself for visitors from his side of the family all wanting to hold and kiss your baby. Also practise relaxing about germs. Some new mums get very anxious about germs. Don't be tempted to invest in copious amount of anti-bac sprays as they're not good for you or baby. They will eat dirt. We've all found our crawlers with something unsavoury in their mouth at some point. Likewise, they will be bashed by toddlers and come into contact with hundreds of children harbouring colds and other nasties.

The point of all this post is to say that whilst I complete get that your anxiety and MH issues are making you cling to as much control here as possible. The truth is it will become virtually impossible to retain much of that control once baby arrives and the more you can slowly adapt to the crazy mad amazing journey you're about to embark on as a couple, the better for your long term MH. I hope your MW is able to get you some appropriate support ASAP. Good luck

voddiekeepsmesane · 26/02/2016 20:30

Have re- read all OPs posts. Apart from the blood tests ...and a quiet word with DH would sort that out I am sure. ALL other things... the fact that you are pregnant and the scans are just things he wants to share. He doesn't have the baby reminding him every second of every day that it is there as women do. He has to hold on to the very few things that fathers have during pregnancy such as the initial test and subsequent scans etc. I feel for men during pregnancy, often women are bonding with child to be from the minute we know we are pregnant but men have to wait 9 months for the actual child so they hang on dearly to the "evidence" till birth day. The vitriol for men during pregnancy as seen on this thread needs to calm down a bit I think especially if he child is conceived in a supposedly loving relationship

Badders123 · 26/02/2016 20:32

At no point does the Op state she is or has been suicidal or has/will self harm!
She has control and anxiety issues, let's not make hysterical aspersions on her MH status!
We know what she has told us. She is getting help. Her dh has been indiscreet and she is upset.
also...as someone who suffered from post natal depression I do feel at least a little qualified to advise the Op to get help asap. How very sad that other posters think that because posters dont agree with the Op that they cant possibly know what she is going through. How very "narrow minded" of them :(
I'm leaving the thread now as I feel I have nothing left to offer the Op wrt advise or help.

Badders123 · 26/02/2016 20:33

What a fab post cardigan!

IThoughtItWasAFart · 26/02/2016 20:37

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

228agreenend · 26/02/2016 20:41

Cardigan - great post

Original poster
Pregasaurusrex · 26/02/2016 20:42

Just to add- I am not suicidal or self harming. Thanks for diagnosing me though!

OP posts:
IThoughtItWasAFart · 26/02/2016 20:45

Excellent Cardigan. Instead of reacurring the OP of the here and now, let's scare the shit out of her further.

Instead of telling her, she make take to motherhood like a duck to water. Let's scare the shit out of her.

Just what she needs.

And posters applaud that?

Cool1Cat · 26/02/2016 20:45

Wishing you peace of mind and every success with the remaining pregnancy and birth. Please remember that although boundaries are important with young children upwards you cannot control a baby or a child and anxiety can transmit straight to them with adverse developmental consequences. Ask the mental health services for all the support you need so you and your baby can get the most enjoyment from each other and your baby will thrive into the special individual s/he is. Being a parent is the most important job you can do, although you wouldn't think it from the culture we live in, so we'll done you. (Child Psych. Qualified)

IThoughtItWasAFart · 26/02/2016 20:46

*reasurring and might.

Please excuse my typos.

voddiekeepsmesane · 26/02/2016 20:47

Pregasaurusrex I understand when pregnant we had a scare with regards to extra chromosomes. I would not have wanted that spread through DP's workplace but anything else he wanted to say was fine. I think cardigans post is great too

WicksEnd · 26/02/2016 20:47

OP, I, as many others don't understand where you're coming from but that doesn't mean it's not how you feel, so I do feel sad that you have such high level anxiety at what should be a joyous occasion for both of you. Thanks
It honestly never even entered my head that when people looked at a scan pic, they were looking at 'the inside of me' nor when I've been shown one by a proud mum or father to be. I just have a squint, see if I can make out the features, congratulate and move on.
Your DH is probably worried about you, people do need to talk to alleviate their fears and get support.
DH has shared info with people about me and my many medical conditions over the years, I've never thought 'how dare he!' Just 'I'm glad he's talking to someone'
Can you see it that way?

ridemesideways · 26/02/2016 20:47

let's not make hysterical aspersions on her MH status!

In general, we need to tread very carefully with women in the perinatal period, who are experiencing mental health issues.

Simply telling them to suck it up etc as other posters have done (essentially minimising their feelings) can have very damaging effects.

Research finds that mental health issues during the perinatal period can escalate suddenly and with little warning.

It's great that OP is getting help. It's clear from her posts she was asking for support in her point of view that she felt betrayed. Several posters agreed with her.