Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my DH being unreasonable or am I?

391 replies

Pregasaurusrex · 26/02/2016 17:38

We are expecting our first baby and it's not been an easy pregnancy and I am currently undergoing every test under the sun. I struggle massively with anxiety and loss of control- which I am working on. I've only told my very few close friends and work that I am expecting. We did tell a few more people after the 20 week scan. Today my husband has been into work and shown his colleagues the scan picture ( of the inside of my body!) and I found out he's been telling people for weeks and just not telling me. I really am struggling, much planned baby, but all off work, have terrible dark thoughts about my tummy getting bigger etc. Is it to much to ask, that he respects my need for privacy and tries to show some understanding. I get that exciting for him and hard for him to see me go through this. I have explained my feelings to him and asked him not to share my medical info etc - so I don't understand why he can't just keep his gob shut!

OP posts:
Katenka · 26/02/2016 19:44

If you know you are over reacting, please try and calm down. Cling onto that. I know you are seeking help, but it's all feeling quite manic.

I have mh issues and aspergers. Knowing you are over reacting is good. It's when you can't see it at all it's harder.

Badders123 · 26/02/2016 19:47

I'm glad you are seeking help.
However, I would say this....Your colleagues are just that...work colleagues. You may never even see any of them after you leave the workplace to have the baby.
Seems odd to care so very much what they think.
But...you do.
Your Dh has been indiscreet as have those who have shared the news.
But...I still don't get the collective hysteria on this thread or the demonising of your dh but I will go as obv those who see your PoV better than I can.
Good luck.

SkyWasMadeOfAmethyst · 26/02/2016 19:47

preg check out the threads for pregnancy on Mumsnet. AIBU is just full of posters looking to spout off... people being arsey about your thoughts/feelings/choices is not what you probably need right now. I am 36 weeks pregnant and have Gestational Diabetes and had some other complications and discussing them IRL with even my best friend makes me feel very upset and tense nevermind with colleagues or other parents on the school run... people are nosey about pregnancy and it's annoying! And I am absolutely thrilled to be pregnant with this baby who was planned and generally happy to talk to anyone about anything... except my pregnancy. My body = my business.

Inertia · 26/02/2016 19:48

He can tell who he likes that he's going to be a father. He doesn't have the right to tell people who the pregnant woman is unless she's given him permission to share that information. Of course, people are going to put 2 and 2 together, so that's why it would be better for both parents-to-be to agree what information they are happy to share, and to respect one another's boundaries.

The husband is NOT the patient under discussion here.

IThoughtItWasAFart · 26/02/2016 19:52

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

peggyundercrackers · 26/02/2016 19:52

Inertia being pregnant doesn't make you a patient.

ProfGrammaticus · 26/02/2016 19:52

"He doesn't have the right to tell people who the pregnant woman is"!

Don't be ridiculous. Anyone who knows him knows who his partner is. Anyone who sees her can see she is pregnant.
This is a massive overreaction and the OP needs to get help as soon as she can.

Inertia · 26/02/2016 19:55

The fact that a woman is pregnant does not override her right to bodily autonomy. Her confidential medical details are still her concern. The viewpoint that the bodies of pregnant women are public property really infuriates me.

Apparently men's rights ought to trump the rights of a woman to make decisions about her own body as soon as she becomes pregnant, otherwise she's 'hysterical'. Just because most women readily share this information doesn't mean every woman is obliged to- and in fact, the OP might be less terrified about what's happening to her if she didn't have a husband who totally disregards her wishes.

voddiekeepsmesane · 26/02/2016 19:56

So OP has anxiety and control issues I am sure these are tough issues to work through. Having said that just because you have these issues, and see colleagues " as any more than people I work with" your DH on the other hand may have some very close friendships in his workplace. It IS his child too and he is free to spread the news ( within reason) to whoever he likes. Get over your control issues when baby omes are you going to be as controlling in their lives?

Badders123 · 26/02/2016 19:57

Fart....
You're going to have to explain that cryptic comment I'm afraid!
I'm not on any social media if that's your point?
Tend to stick to chat and other topics, not a prolific poster by any means.
Not sure who you think I am?
As for narrow minded....takes one to know one I guess ;)

Badders123 · 26/02/2016 19:57

I'm also reporting that post as a personal attack.
Not sure how you think your personal views on me are helping the op?

Katenka · 26/02/2016 19:57

Dh - 'I am going to be a dad'

Friend - 'wow tell your wife I said congratulations'

Dh -' actually I can neither confirm or deny who the woman is'

Friends 'yeah ok don't be so daft'

Dh 'no I can not say'

Really?

Inertia · 26/02/2016 19:58

Until the child is born it is HER pregnancy.

Once the baby is born it is THEIR child.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 26/02/2016 19:58

He doesn't have the right to tell people who the pregnant woman is Confused don't be so fucking ridiculous.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 26/02/2016 19:59

I don't think you live in the real world Inertia

voddiekeepsmesane · 26/02/2016 19:59

I feel sometimes that MN is so hypocritical. If a man does not take enough interest in his child or child to be life then they are scum and if they want to shout from the rooftop that they are to be a father they are being inconsiderate.

ridemesideways · 26/02/2016 20:00

Can PP fuck off with their 'get over it' schtick? Is that what you say to everyone with depression / anxiety?

Fact is, nobody, nobody has the right to share confidential information about a woman's body and baby, even if he's related to it. It's not his baby, it's legally a fetus inside her body.

Inertia · 26/02/2016 20:00

Katenka- which is precisely why both parents-to-be should decide together who needs to know, and reach agreement about it.In this case, the husband has decided to override his wife's wishes.

Katenka · 26/02/2016 20:01

Fact is, nobody, nobody has the right to share confidential information about a woman's body and baby, even if he's related to it. It's not his baby, it's legally a fetus inside her body.

if an op was saying her dh wasn't interested in the baby she was carrying, the thread would be 'it's his baby too, he needs to get a grip. He made the baby, he needs step up'

Badders123 · 26/02/2016 20:03

The father is being treated like a sperm donor :(

Katenka · 26/02/2016 20:03

Katenka- which is precisely why both parents-to-be should decide together who needs to know, and reach agreement about it.In this case, the husband has decided to override his wife's wishes.

I disagree. His has a right to share is news with his friends.

There isn't an agreement the OP doesn't want him to and that's it.

The OP anxiety and control issues can not control the rest of her and her dhs life. She says she knows she is over reacting. She needs help, quicker than she is getting.

voddiekeepsmesane · 26/02/2016 20:04

ridem "its not his baby" ...really ...this attitude surely is just wrong ....and if he walked away stating it's not his baby while she was pregnant????

butterflylove16 · 26/02/2016 20:04

I hope you don't mind me saying, but I don't think you made it clear in your original post exactly what he had shared. I think a lot of pp just thought it was telling people you were pregnant and showing a scan photo, but from a later post it was results from a test done on your liver.

When it comes to him telling people, of course he should as he is an excited expectant father. In regards to him showing a scan photo, I can understand both sides. Dh and I have been happy to show close friends and family, but are quite private so personally agreed not to put it on Facebook or anything. With regards to him sharing test results, I do think that he overstepped the mark. But no one is perfect and I'm sure it was an honest mistake - I would forgive him for this as there's no point in carrying animosity when it sounds as though you really need each other right now.

I'm glad you're getting the help you need, as it sounds as though you really need it right now Flowers in future, I would recommend posting on the pregnancy board. You won't get as many replies, but it's a little calmer on there.

ridemesideways · 26/02/2016 20:05

if an op was saying her dh wasn't interested in the baby she was carrying, the thread would be 'it's his baby too, he needs to get a grip. He made the baby, he needs step up'

This isn't about the dad showing an interest. This is about the dad doing the exact opposite of the mother's expressed wishes.

She is having issues with anxiety, privacy and control. What you DO NOT do to someone with these MH issues is run roughshod over her wishes.

ridemesideways · 26/02/2016 20:07

and if he walked away stating it's not his baby while she was pregnant????

Men can and do walk away, they enjoy certain freedoms that a woman cannot, by virtue of the fact that she is the one carrying the child.