Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my DH being unreasonable or am I?

391 replies

Pregasaurusrex · 26/02/2016 17:38

We are expecting our first baby and it's not been an easy pregnancy and I am currently undergoing every test under the sun. I struggle massively with anxiety and loss of control- which I am working on. I've only told my very few close friends and work that I am expecting. We did tell a few more people after the 20 week scan. Today my husband has been into work and shown his colleagues the scan picture ( of the inside of my body!) and I found out he's been telling people for weeks and just not telling me. I really am struggling, much planned baby, but all off work, have terrible dark thoughts about my tummy getting bigger etc. Is it to much to ask, that he respects my need for privacy and tries to show some understanding. I get that exciting for him and hard for him to see me go through this. I have explained my feelings to him and asked him not to share my medical info etc - so I don't understand why he can't just keep his gob shut!

OP posts:
sstewart2016 · 29/02/2016 08:22

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

DrSeussRevived · 29/02/2016 08:40

Another horrible comment.

The phrase that you used is one to describe if someone has the capacity to determine their own affairs eg write a will. Of course OP has that kind of capacity.

Maybe he is speaking to people for reassurance; he is still sharing her medical information against her wishes.

LoveBoursin · 29/02/2016 09:45

sstewart really??? I mean really???

Because people with MH shouldn't reproduce maybe? Is having depression once in your life enough to disqualify you?
Oh what about women who develop ante natal depression? Should they abort?
And what about the ones who are ill with worry because of some health scare during the pregnancy/issue with genetic testing/a previous still birth? Does it classify as 'not being sound of mind'?

That is utterly disgusting comment.

LoveBoursin · 29/02/2016 09:47

And yes we understand you all.
She is PREGNANT so her partner is deligted and wants to share his happiness with everyone. And he is also worried so he wants to share his worries with everyone.

The fact that his DW asked him not to share some of that information (ie all the medical stuff, not the fact she is pregnant) isn't important because you know she is PREGNANT.

LoveBoursin · 29/02/2016 09:47

And yes we understand you all.
She is PREGNANT so her partner is deligted and wants to share his happiness with everyone. And he is also worried so he wants to share his worries with everyone.

The fact that his DW asked him not to share some of that information (ie all the medical stuff, not the fact she is pregnant) isn't important because you know she is PREGNANT.

xenapants · 29/02/2016 09:53

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

LoveBoursin · 29/02/2016 09:57

MH issue are very varied and unless you know exactly what the OP is talking about, then there is no way you can make such a sweeping judgement about the fact she shouldn't have got pg in the first place.

'Massive' issue has different meaning for different people and will show themselves up in very different ways. There is no way to say that this will be a detrimental environment for a child.

Besides, seen the number of people who do have MH in their life, not a lot of us should ever had children in the first place!!!

xenapants · 29/02/2016 11:27

there is no way you can make such a sweeping judgement about the fact she shouldn't have got pg in the first place.

Well, there is, and I can. Because it's a personal opinion, and you don't have the right to tell me not to hold it.

LoveBoursin · 29/02/2016 11:39

Lol.

You know as well as I do what I meant. And it wasn't that you can't have your own opinions.... Wink

DrSeussRevived · 29/02/2016 11:45

Wow.

The OP is pregnant and is clearly struggling.

You can hold whatever unkind opinion you want, but have the compassion to keep it to yourself in this kind of situation. It's not a debating society, it's someone's life

xenapants · 29/02/2016 12:44

It's not unkind, it's realistic. I have every sympathy for the fact that the OP is struggling, but I question the wisdom of bringing a child into a household in which both parents, by the mothers' admission, have "massive mental health issues".

DrSeussRevived · 29/02/2016 12:47

Yes, it's unkind. The OP hasn't asked "is now a good time to TTC?" - she's pregnant. What do you expect her to do with your unkind opinion?

xenapants · 29/02/2016 12:50

It's AIBU, not the "I'm struggling, support me" board. Perhaps if that's what she was after she should have posted elsewhere.

DrSeussRevived · 29/02/2016 12:55

Ok, so you admit you are being unkind, but are happy with your stance because OP brought it on herself by posting in AIBU.

Excellent show of compassion, nice work.

Reapwhatyousow · 29/02/2016 13:03

Among other things, Mumsnet is most definitely a debating society, unless of course you hold intransigent opinions.

bumblebee1234 · 29/02/2016 13:10

Wait until the child is born and the mother enters the services the eyes won't be on the child it will be firmly on the mother, fact. It is unkind but when it comes to children and those teachers and support staff are filling in their forms who do you think they are looking at the child or the parent. It's the world we live in and when it comes to children no one is taking a chance.

Twinklestein · 29/02/2016 13:12

No 5madthings it's not for you to decide who he can talk to.

People talk to whom they feel comfortable with. He may not be close to either friends or family or there may be good reasons why he doesn't want to talk about it with them.

It's not his body but it's his baby and the poster who claimed above that he has no rights is absurd. Once the baby is born he has 50% parental rights.

If a woman on here with sick husband had been forbidden from getting support from anyone other than a GP, posters here would hit the roof.

It's very stressful being the coping partner. The OP is clearly not mentally well on top of a difficult pregnancy and DH may need support himself. She needs to be aware of that.

ovenchips · 29/02/2016 13:25

Just to correct a factual thing: the DH doesn't have MH issues. The OP talks of massive mental health issues in his family which is why, according to OP, he should be more understanding of hers.

bumblebee1234 · 29/02/2016 13:36

I don't think it's as blatant as what people are making it out to be a woman might have told him about her pregnancy and he related it to his wife. It was most probably a harmless conversation who is going to say and these are her blood test results. She has blown it way out of proportion he didn't show them her medical notes it was only a scan picture. I have come of he phone to someone I don't know while looking for a teacher and she told me her partner is away helping out family. No one thinks nothing of it that's personal information. The local services will keep a close eye on her and her child. She needs to get help and understand what she is doing it's no longer her and her husband there is now baby.

ThePebbleCollector · 29/02/2016 14:01

Medical information seems a bit of an odd thing to share unless he just said "we've left telling people for a while due to further tests but now we have an all clear"

The only thing that I find YABU about the is the picture of inside your body comment... unfortunately that's where the baby is an where the scan pictures comes from... I've never really known anyone to be sensitive about it as if it was an intimate photo in graphic body detail... So it's hard to wrap my head around.

I think his behaviour is perfectly normal for an expectant dad, and that following any strict rules based on your anxiety/control issues will only enable you and give you the expectation that the behaviour is normal.

I think this is a communication and mental health issue that needs addressing and isn't just a one of situation. Especially with a new baby on the way which opens up a whole world of uncontrollable and stressful situations. Best to talk about it with GPs and Midwives while as soon as you can.

xenapants · 29/02/2016 14:05

Ok, so you admit you are being unkind, but are happy with your stance because OP brought it on herself by posting in AIBU.

Excellent show of compassion, nice work.

I said nothing of the sort, on either count. Kindly do not attribute things to me that I did not say. I said I was being realistic, not unkind.

Yes, I stand by my opinion that a family with massive mental health issues is not a stable environment into which to bring a child.

PiperChapstick · 29/02/2016 14:09

I suffered anxiety in pregnancy too OP but the fact is its his baby too and every day is a day closer to the due date, and YABU to expect him to keep it quiet. He's excited!

PiperChapstick · 29/02/2016 14:10

Sorry I haven't RTFT, I thought it was only a page long otherwise wouldn't have posted so soon Blush

5madthings · 29/02/2016 14:16

No its not for me to decide who he xan talk to but it us for the op to decide who he can talk to about HER medical information. Like it or not that is the case.

And once the baby is born he will have parental responsibility, the baby will have rights. Whilst the baby is in her body however all 'rights' are hers especially when it comes to any medical decisions or information.

And I am not denying that it may be hard for her husband but he does have to respect her rights with regards to bot sharing her medical information.

And I would support the husband if it was his not wanting his medical information shared without his consent. And have been in thst position myself actually with my own dh, I saw my gp and arranged to see a counsellor so I had a safe confidential soace to discuss how I was feeling. I still didn't divulge his medical information merely spoke about my concerns, worries and how I felt because as much as I was finding it hard it was not my place to share his medical information. He has afforded me the same courtesy. It is possible to seek support for yourself without divulging your partner/spouses private medical information. And there is nothing unreasonable about expecting your partner to respect your right to medical privacy.

nannyplumislostinspace · 29/02/2016 14:18

Actually I don't think you are unreasonable. I felt the same way when I was pregnant after losing my first 2 ds late in pregnancy. No one saw my scans apart from my DH. Luckily he respected my decision.

Swipe left for the next trending thread