Is my DH being unreasonable or am I?

[Pregasaurusrex]

We are expecting our first baby and it's not been an easy pregnancy and I am currently undergoing every test under the sun. I struggle massively with anxiety and loss of control- which I am working on. I've only told my very few close friends and work that I am expecting. We did tell a few more people after the 20 week scan. Today my husband has been into work and shown his colleagues the scan picture ( of the inside of my body!) and I found out he's been telling people for weeks and just not telling me. I really am struggling, much planned baby, but all off work, have terrible dark thoughts about my tummy getting bigger etc. Is it to much to ask, that he respects my need for privacy and tries to show some understanding. I get that exciting for him and hard for him to see me go through this. I have explained my feelings to him and asked him not to share my medical info etc - so I don't understand why he can't just keep his gob shut!

twinkle you would be totally entitled to tell your husband to bugger off if he said he didn't want you talking about your pregnancy to other people because it's your pregnancy happening to your body and your medical information that's the key difference fgs.

And her dh can turn to those he is close to ie the close family and friends and maybe his gp would be understanding, maybe not but he could try thst route rather than tell work colleagues when the op has said she is not happy for him to share her information with them. Like it or not it is her information to share.

It is not a reason for them to split up, it's just something they need to discuss, perhaps her dh hasn't realised just how uncomfortable she is with having this information shared, perhaps he is really struggling. Either way they need to talk but ultimately he does need to respect her right to privacy in these matters if thst is what she wants

No It's not up to me. It's up to the OP to decide who he is sharing HER medical imformation with.

The OP specifically said he had friends and family supporting him. If he is in any need of more support than that because whatever is happening in the pg is causing him distress (ie MH problems), then of course he can go and see his GP and ask for help. If he doesn't have any MH issue, then I'm sure talking with family/friends will be enough. He doen't have to share that sort of information to everyone he meets, nor does he need to get support from everyone he is in contact with.

It's not about pregnancy as several other posters have pointed out. The OP has no issue about that.
It's about medical information, sharing information about her health and her liver problems. And that isn't for him to share wo asking her first.
It's also baout respect about her wishes not to disclose very personnal onformation to all the sundry. If you told a very dear friend about something confidential, surely you would expect that friend not to tell everyone around her? Well the same applies here. Because it's the OP who is unwell, not her DH.

5madthings
or maybe he just hasn't realised the link liver blood test = medical information = confidential information
as most people seem to have done on this thread. Therefore he doesn't see why he shouldn't be talking about it anyone and everyone

stumbly it's not 'normal' behaviour for someone, in this case the ops husband ro share her medical information against her wishes. She isn't asking him to do anything unusual, just respect her right to privacy around these issues. Any medical information is hers to share or not and pregnant or not her husband needs to respect her views.

Yes maybe he hasn't realised a blood test results are private medical information love though I suspect if it was any other situation regarding blood tests they would recognise it but heaven forbid a pregnant woman might want those same rights to medical privacy..

I know it's pregnancy is becoming the most important thing and nothing else matters...

"or maybe he just hasn't realised the link liver blood test = medical information = confidential information"
Yes, I think this is true - I'm assuming the DH was more unthinking than deliberately going against his wife's request.

OP, hope you are ok.

My partner has spoken about me to other people I don't like it but I can't tell him don't do that. I don't own him and he is not mine to dictate to. I was very ill my self a few years back. Do I blame him no what do you want him to do suffer with me. Mental health puts a massive strain on a relationship and what I learnt is you can't tell another person what to do and you can't change them. I would never expect my partner to adapt to my illness.

You can't change people and you can't tell them what to do as such.

However, you are also well within your rights to clearly specify your own rights as a person, such as not having your own personal health info shared with people you don't know.

These two things aren't mutually exclusive and what normally happens isn't for one person to keep quiet whilst the other merely does whatever they want, incl not respecting a basic 'human right' (I know it is a big word but that's what it is. A very personal right for confidentiality).
Normally, one person reminds their partner that they don't want xx to happen. The partner listens and take that into consideration, esp in the light of ill health.

You are being unreasonable .

He is excited, leave him be.

I'm also worried about any comment about 'not expeting my partner to adapt to my illness'.

I have a chronic illness that has meant DP needed to adapt. He is now the one doing all the HW, all the cooking, all the DIY, well about everything in the huse apart from one or two child related stuff. Tis is like this because I can't physically do it.
Now if he hadn't 'adapted to my illness', I'm really wondering where we would be tbh. Most people would do that for their partner.
So why not if the illness you are suffereing from is a MH issue? apart from the fact it's still looked at as a shame, a reason to leave your partner 'because they are hard work' etc etc

The OP has come on mums net to tell people what is going on in her relationship. Is ok for her to tell complete strangers her relationship problems but its not ok for him to talk to people he knows. We don't know how well he knows his colleagues. My partner has worked in mental health for many years and he got me better.

Sorry I think YABU, yes anxiety is a reason, but it is not an excuse. I think you should give your DH a break.

Is my DH being unreasonable or am I? Both of you are, in different ways, but that is quite ok and normal given the circumstances.

I have explained my feelings to him and asked him not to share my medical info etc But he has. So he is being unreasonable for doing that. Does he actually think he was reasonable to do that? Or is he sorry he went against your wishes?

I think though, expecting him not to show the scan pic of what is also his baby to his friends and colleagues is unreasonable, because the reason he wants to do that is that he's proud and excited about it, which is actually a good thing. So you are being unreasonable in asking that, because it's not only your feelings which need to be taken into account. He shouldn't share the other info though if you've asked him not to.

Although you are being unreasonable in not wanting him to show the scan pic, unreasonable-ness is one of the symptoms of anxiety, unreasonable and unhelpful thoughts are very much part of your illness. So yes, in some of this you are being unreasonable, but you can't actually help it because it's in the nature of your illness.

It would be great if he could understand that and therefore make allowances because of your MH, rather than just doing what he wants, even if what he wants is quite reasonable! But he is flawed and human, and perhaps doesn't have a deep enough understanding of how you feel dealing with your MH, unfortunate maybe but not unreasonable, it is probably quite hard to understand those depths if you haven't been there.

Does the OP want to get a handle on the pregnancy anxiety? Both for her sake and her DH's?

I am sure the answer of course is a huge yes.

But unfortunately that's not what is coming across too strongly in the OP's posts. And I think that colours people's comments (mine included tbh).

I completely agree that your DH should be allowed to tell people, but showing pics of scan and sharing details of blood tests without consent is really terrible behaviour.

Why is it terrible behaviour they are married and he is happy and possibly concerned about her. I think she is worried that they may know a little too much.

stumblymonkey I agree in that the op shouldn't be trying to control or change her dhs behaviour. Her dp probably has simply linked in the blood test as part of the pregnancy. I probably would!
Her dh maybe close to the people he works with, just because the op isn't or isn't with her dhs, doesn't mean he isn't.
It's really hard living with anxiety but it isn't fair to try to change your partner to make yourself feel better. Sometimes all that happens is it only makes you feel better temporally till you find something else to fixate on.

So you think he was right to share her blood test results against her wishes?

I think bottom line your husband should support you.

With regard to the 'rights' issue - the baby is created by his biological contribution but he has no rights over it; these days it is very well recognised that the child has the rights. Before the child is born therefore it is the mother's right to have her body and her medical information kept as she wishes it.

No body would ever say a woman couldn't have an abortion if she wanted to as it is 'his baby too' - quite rightly.

Why is it terrible behaviour they are married and he is happy and possibly concerned about her.

Christ. Any other rights she loses just because 'they are married and he is happy and possibly concerned about her'?

Rights what are you talking about he is her husband not the sperm doner. How many men out there don't bother to see their children. She needs to communicate to him about how she feels. I'm sure he loves and respects her but she is looking too deeply into this. She has come onto mumsnet to tell a bunch of strangers her business. Why can't she talk to him she hasn't said nothing bad about him, he opened his mouth that's it. Can't she have a heart to heart with him or is he just the sperm doner with no rights and must shut his mouth.

They most probably kissed and made up by now and I hope they have. It can't be good for the baby all that stress. She has to learn to communicate with him.

"he is her husband not the sperm doner"

And she is not just the incubator.