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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my DH being unreasonable or am I?

391 replies

Pregasaurusrex · 26/02/2016 17:38

We are expecting our first baby and it's not been an easy pregnancy and I am currently undergoing every test under the sun. I struggle massively with anxiety and loss of control- which I am working on. I've only told my very few close friends and work that I am expecting. We did tell a few more people after the 20 week scan. Today my husband has been into work and shown his colleagues the scan picture ( of the inside of my body!) and I found out he's been telling people for weeks and just not telling me. I really am struggling, much planned baby, but all off work, have terrible dark thoughts about my tummy getting bigger etc. Is it to much to ask, that he respects my need for privacy and tries to show some understanding. I get that exciting for him and hard for him to see me go through this. I have explained my feelings to him and asked him not to share my medical info etc - so I don't understand why he can't just keep his gob shut!

OP posts:
Talkingmouse · 28/02/2016 05:19

If you feel the need to control what your husband can say, you are in for a big shock when the baby arrives...

Try to relax. Your husband is clearly excited. I understand to you that it might not seem it, but his sharing/not sharing that info with others is relatively immaterial. You have bigger challenges ahead.

TheStoic · 28/02/2016 08:33

yes I DO think that in an ideal world only people of sound mind would procreate.

Yikes. Do you have kids? In your ideal world, you wouldn't.

Mumberjack · 28/02/2016 08:41

I don't think you're being unreasonable, just going into self-preservation mode. While your DH might think sharing the news is all part of coming to terms with being pregnant, I can understand if this makes you anxious and your DH should respect your feelings.

Our first baby was stillborn so for our second baby I was very cagey about sharing our news and kept any information away from Facebook etc until she was born; however I do know people who have been advised by counsellors etc to take the leap and share pregnancy information in an attempt to make the pregnancy more real and help bond with baby.

I think you should speak to your midwife about your fears and anxieties, so they can help or signpost you to people to speak to. I found having impartial support invaluable when pregnant, I could share my fears and dark thoughts without being made to seem like a loon or unfit mum.

DrSeussRevived · 28/02/2016 08:51

When the baby arrives, it's a separate person and any comments about baby's behaviour or traits or health are not comments about OP.

There's no indication on OP's thoughts on information at that point.

honeyrider · 28/02/2016 12:14

YABVU, it's his baby too

5madthings · 28/02/2016 13:27

Regardless of whether the op has anxiety or mental health issues she is working through, she is still entirely within her rights to say she doesn't want medical information about her pregnancy share. Scan pictures and blood test results are medical information she doesn't even have to share them with her husband if she doesn't want to.

Seriously dp some of you not realise that women don't lose the right to medical privacy when pregnant? The op has said her husband CAN talk to close family and friends who are aware but she doesn't want him sharing HER medical information with his work colleagues! And yes it may be his baby as well but but it us her that is pregnant it is her medical information to share or not as she wishes.

I highly doubt her husband has meant to upset her but regardless of her anxiety he does need to realise that actually he can't share her medical info without her consent. I have had similar tests re liver function this pregnancy which obviously my dh knows about, as do close friends and my mum who is s nurse but we haven't shared tgst information with wider family and my dh certainly hadn't shared that info with his work colleagues. He wouldn't even tell his family without checking with me first because it's not his medical information to share!

Yes lots of people are very open about their pregnancies and share information but actually a woman doesn't have to and has every bloody right to share or not share her medical information with whoever she chooses.

Twinklestein · 28/02/2016 13:37

The husband needs support though. He's got a wife with mental health issues and a difficult pregnancy affects him as well as her. If needs to talk to someone about the tests, and he can't lean on his wife because she's too anxious - perhaps he found work colleagues helpful. OP's got her GP and midwife to talk to, and she's applied for counselling, what about him?

What would posters say if OP said her DH had banned her from talking to anyone about her pregnancy?

5madthings · 28/02/2016 13:45

He does have close family and friends and yes maybe he is finding it hard and he could see his own gp for counselling or to see what support he could help. Maybe he could also speak to the midwife with the op but ultimately she can say I don't want you talking about my medical info with your work colleagues.

He can say he us concerned or worried without sharing details especially something like blood test results etc. It's like because a woman is pregnant tough shit but if it were any other medical information he was sharing it wouldn't be seen as unreasonable to be annoyed/upset by it. But because it's pregnancy related and it's his baby as well she is expected to be fine with it.

Well sorry but it doesn't work like that and yes he may find it hard but he does have to respect the fact that she doesn't want her medical info shared.

LoveBoursin · 28/02/2016 13:55

Prega I'm sorry that you have been given a hard time on this thread. It's like people are reading only the bits that interest them them (sharing the fact you are pg and showing the scan) and choosing to miss the most important bit (sharing your blood test result etc... even though you specifically said you didn't want to).

It doesn't matter if other people would be OK about it too. What matters is the fact it is important TO YOU and that you don't want to share the info.

As an example, I'm sure people would agree that if you don't want to share you have cancer, then it's your right. The fact that you are pregnant doesn't mean that suddenly your DH has the right to share that information.
I think the same applies there.

And YY to 5madthings

LoveBoursin · 28/02/2016 13:58

Twinkle if her DH needs some support then he should be looking at finding professional support with his GP/the MW/consultant. He should be present at the appointments. He should ask the OP if she is happy for him to talk with xxx > as a support.
Not talking to random people, who probably just don't care about it as PP have mentioned.
Actually, this is even worse because they are subordinate so it is putting them into a position where they have to show support and worry etc... when they probably couldn't care less. So even on a profesional pov, this doesn't stand as a good idea.

kali110 · 28/02/2016 14:47

Op i suffer with severe anxiety and ocd.
I get the whole not always rational thinking Grin it's hard, and it's tiring.
Your husband hasn't done anything wrong though. You can't always have control of every situation. Your husband is simply being excited over beconing a dad. You are not close to your collegues, but is he close to his? My ex ones are my closest friends.
He told them about your liver, but maybe he just needed support?
It's really hard living your life with mh problems, especially anxiety( which i personally think is the worse.) but you can't put them on your partner. He hasn't done anything awful ( ie telling people your personal problems etc) he's simply told being you're becoming parents.

As for your boss, actually unless you told her not to tell your collegues i don't think she was wrong.
Did you need to take time off for tests etc, your collegues would need to cover you.
She would need to do a risk assessment ( don't know what job you do unless i've missed it) but she would need to get them to cover work, hours etc.
Can you speak to your gp to see if you can get an app sooner? ( though i'm still waiting for counselling from being referred in july Hmm) as it's horrible being like this.
You should be excited about having a baby not like this as it's horrible.

kali110 · 28/02/2016 14:50

LoveBoursin op doesn't say the dh has subordinates? Even if they are maybe he is good friends with them?
Some People do manage to have good relationships with colleagues.
As said, mine are now my closest friends, i was even in charge of them....

5madthings · 28/02/2016 14:55

Even if he has s good relationship with his work colleagues he still doesn't have the right to tell them details relating to his wife's medical information, and yes blood tests, scan pics counts as medical information. It may not seem a big deal to some but others prefer such information to remain private.

CrazyMary · 28/02/2016 15:00

Try to relax and enjoy your pregnancy. It is a special time and it is not something you can relive, you don't want to regret getting so stressed about things that are out of your control. Your Dh meant well. Flowers

DrSeussRevived · 28/02/2016 15:03

"He told them about your liver, but maybe he just needed support?"

So? It's still private medical information - as PP said, if he wanted to share info about his wife's blood tests in other circs to get support, no one would think it strange for him to ask her first who she was ok for him to talk to.

kali110 · 28/02/2016 15:31

Guess i and others disagree. It's not just the op having the baby. He shouldn't feel bad about showing people pics of his baby.

bumblebee1234 · 28/02/2016 15:43

If I was pregnant I would be very stressed reading these posts. I think we should all be encouraging her to relax. She did not sound happy in her last post. No one knows enough information about her mental health. She is carrying life and it all sounds like tit for tat. If she is that unhappy with the relationship leave him. They are putting each other through misery. Life is to short.

DrSeussRevived · 28/02/2016 15:47

What about the blood tests, Kal?

DrSeussRevived · 28/02/2016 15:48

Oh, and it is just the OP carrying and birthing the baby.

5madthings · 28/02/2016 15:54

Whether you agree or not, the scan picture is part of her medical info, hell her husband wouldn't be able to go to the scans if she didn't want him there or see the scan pictures. Like it or not those scans are medical procedures and yes you get a nice momento picture but it is still up to the op who thst picture is shared with. Many people happily share theirs, I shared my 20wk scan but haven't shared the pictures from extra scans that I have had and it wouldn't occur to dh to take them into work and show them to colleagues or even to show them to family without checking with me and as for discussing blood tests, not Ok.

Just because many women share everything does not mean we all have to and yes it is just the op carrying and birthing the baby. Her dh will be becoming a father but he is not having a baby and they aren't his details to share without prior permission, I am amazed that's so hard to bloody understand.

bumblebee1234 · 28/02/2016 15:56

If she is not happy with her husband leave him not worth the stress at all. When the baby is born who is going to provide for mother and baby?
He will end up having a nervous breakdown he sounds like a loving father. If she not happy with him leave him there are plenty of other women out there who will appreciate someone with that much enthusiasm. Since when was it wrong to talk about your fears with friends. I am starting to feel sorry for him. It sounds like he loves her a lot.

Twinklestein · 28/02/2016 15:58

LoveBoursin

It's not up to you to determine who he can talk to. He is highly unlikely to be able to get a referral for NHS counselling for a pregnancy if there are no other mental health issues involved.

And there is no way I would let my husband tell me who I could and couldn't talk to about a pregnancy. If he said 'you can talk to GP/MW but not x or y' I'd tell him to bugger off.

GPs don't really have time to talk about this stuff these days, and they're not necessarily particularly understanding. In the end, you turn to people you trust/ are close to for support.

DrSeussRevived · 28/02/2016 15:59

"If she is not happy with her husband leave him not worth the stress at all. When the baby is born who is going to provide for mother and baby?"

Don't be ridiculous. Her DP has done something that she wanted him not to. That doesn't amount to leaving him as the solution.

DrSeussRevived · 28/02/2016 16:01

It's.your pregnancy twinkle, so that's a bit different.

stumblymonkey · 28/02/2016 16:02

YABU.

Your reaction to pregnancy is based on your own mental health issues and while you can expect a DP/DH/DW to be supportive I think expecting them to modify their own 'normal' behaviour to meet needs driven by your anxiety is unreasonable.

And I say this as someone with severe mental health issues myself.

The answer is not to expect your DH to pander to your anxieties but for you to seek treatment.

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