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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stepfather always guilt tripping about the family dog

200 replies

FlowersAndShit · 26/02/2016 10:13

I moved out of the family home almost a year ago. The family dog spent all of his time with me and I adore him. Stepdad started a new job after 20 years of being unemployed and is now constantly nagging and guilt tripping me about the dog since I moved out.

The dog is 7 and spends 8-9 hours a day alone. I live a 20 minute walk away and a few times I've gone to dogsit as I don't work due to anxiety/depression. I don't want to do it anymore because it's no longer my home, and I don't want to sit there for 3 plus hours.

Stepdad is now always guilt tripping me saying that he will have to put the dog to sleep or re-home him because he's on his own all the time. Stepdad owns the dog but loves to blackmail me emotionally, even when I got a cat which meant I couldn't look after the dog for 2 weeks whilst he and my mum go on holiday.

He's ringing me a few times a week now, nagging me and when I say no he starts getting aggressive and swearing which pisses me off. He brings up the fact that he takes me to appointments, but I can't be expected to dogsit throughout the week, I want my own life.

I struggle with depression and the guilt is making me feel worse. AIBU?

OP posts:
RudeElf · 26/02/2016 10:41

If a dog i adored was spending 8-9 hours a day alone i would be busting the door down to take it with me. Hmm

Sounds like none of you are actually that bothered about it and its more a nuisance to you all.

ILoveACornishPasty · 26/02/2016 10:42

Rehome the poor dog. You don't want him (harsh, but true). Your step dad can't take care of him in the day. You're right, he certainly should not be abusive to you over it but the dog's needs should be catered for and I'll bet there's a family somewhere ready to take care of him properly. Sorry, op Thanks

NotMeNotYouNotAnyone · 26/02/2016 10:42

You are both being unreasonable

You live 20 mins walk away and are at home all day but can't be bothered to take a dog you adore out for a walk every day?! You don't have to sit in the house, take him for a walk, even a short one will benefit you both.

SD shouldn't be guilt tripping you, but tbh I can't see why you wouldn't want to do it for the dog not for SD

hunibuni · 26/02/2016 10:43

If you're the OP I'm thinking of, there is a back story and YANBU. It's another way to control you. Yes, you could take the dog out but it's his responsibility.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 26/02/2016 10:43

An animal is suffering here (and BTW , I'm not a dog lover but even I wouldn't leave a dog for 8-9 hours Hmm )
The 2 week holiday - they should suck up the cost of kennels as part of the cost.
But, the dog is 7 , so a bit middle-aged. What do think will happen to him if he gets 'rehomed' .
Rescue kennels? PTS?

I don't like being pressured , aye, your StepDad will remember this when your appointments come round. Maybe he won't want to eh?
He's working so his hours are accounted for.

NeedACleverNN · 26/02/2016 10:45

It's not her dog!!

She shouldn't have to be responsible for it. The stepdad should never have gotten the dog if he wasn't prepared to take care of it.

Yes the poor dog deserves better but it's not the OP's fault. So she helped take care of it whilst she lived there. That's helping in the family home. She has now moved out and is longer responsible for the care of the dog.

OP be firm and tell your stepdad it's not your dog therefore not your responsibility. Tell him, if he can't take care of his own pet, he needs to rehome him.

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 26/02/2016 10:45

I don't understand why you can't walk the poor thing once a day? I can understand that you wouldn't take it home with you because of your cat (no way would I have a dog in my house with my cat) but surely you can walk it for half an hour a day?

Chocoholicmonster · 26/02/2016 10:46

I think you're both being unreasonable.

He shouldn't be guilt tripping you the way he is & certainly shouldn't be using the threat to put a loyal dog down.

You say you adore the dog & only live 20 minuets away. Taking the dog for a quick 15 minuet walk twice a day wouldn't be much bother as you're home anyway. To be honest, I think having the dog that needs walking will do your depression some good - it's a good reason to get dressed & get outside a couple days a day - something I know all too well is a battle in depression sometimes & is a hard cycle to break when you stop doing it.

Original poster
FlowersAndShit · 26/02/2016 10:47

I have agoraphobia and most days I can't face leaving my home. I offered to keep him but stepdad wouldn't let me.

OP posts:
Chocoholicmonster · 26/02/2016 10:48

*a couple times a day

OliviaBenson · 26/02/2016 10:51

Next time he says he'll have to rehome him, call his bluff and say 'great- I'll rehome him with me'

Your SD sounds like a bully OP. would having the dog help you? I have dogs and they are great to have around when I'm low- they give me a reason to have to get out the house etc.

sonjadog · 26/02/2016 10:51

Well, if you really can't look after the dog, then maybe your stepfather should look into rehoming him, or putting him to sleep if that is not possible. That sounds like the only solution at present. Not an easy decision to make, but as a pet owner, you have to put the best for your pet first.

Arfarfanarf · 26/02/2016 10:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NNalreadyinuse · 26/02/2016 10:57

If you offered to keep the dog then your step dad is being a total prick in threatening to rehome it! He just wants to control you.
If you are agoraphobic then he shouldn't be putting pressure on you to go out every day to walk his dog. He bought the dog, the care of it is his responsibility, not yours. Caring for the dog when you lived at home does not make said dog your responsibility forever.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 26/02/2016 10:57

I had a quickie scan on Advanced Search , there was one post by Flowers (not quote but in essence)
people who are cruel or cause harm to animals (dog in this case) aren't nice people and lack empathy

Hollow bloody laughter Angry

It's nothing to do with the DOG it's because the poor little sod belongs to your StepDad.

Let him sort it. He'll get put down or sit cross legged for 9 hours. I can't go 9 hours without a piss and I very much doubt you can.
But not your problem , is it? Hmm

airforsharon · 26/02/2016 10:58

Arf well if she needs to completely detach from them, perhaps she should take the dog and do just that? Then there would be no need for her SD hassling her, or for her to feel any guilt about the dog (which she does say she adores)

I don't understand why her SD is threatening to rehome the dog but won't let her take it? I offered to keep him but stepdad wouldn't let me.

And fwiw I have 2 dogs and 2 cats and they rub along just fine. I've also had agoraphobia and currently have depression, so I do understand that side of things. Having the dog living with you could actually do you a power of good.

Poor bloody dog stuck in the middle of this.

RudeElf · 26/02/2016 10:59

How can you have offered to have the dog if you have agoraphobia and wouldnt be able to take it outbfor walks?

shamonts · 26/02/2016 11:01

Sorry I think YABU. If you owned a dog you would be expected to walk it every day. Either go and walk the dog everyday (which tbh would do your depression good) or let your stepdad rehome it.

MrsJayy · 26/02/2016 11:02

If you are agrophobic and you are unable to commit you need to tell your stepdad this tell him to rehome the dog and get taxis to your appointments this toing and froing tit for tat isnt doing the dog any good

shamonts · 26/02/2016 11:03

If you have agrophobia then you are in no fit state to look after a dog. Let it be rehomed.

shamonts · 26/02/2016 11:03

Maybe her sd won't let her take it as he knows she won't walk it every day?

BarbarianMum · 26/02/2016 11:04

God, there are some right idiots on this thread. Angry. Yes I know it is a DOG (and therefore far, far more important that the OP's mental health and happiness apparently) but does no-body find it strange that the only possible solution for its welfare involve the OP putting herself right back in the firing line for control and verbal abuse by her stepdad? Why can't he do what normal dog owners do and take responsibility for his own pet - or is the lomg term plan that OP cares for it forever?

shamonts · 26/02/2016 11:06

I think he is trying to take responsibility for it by suggesting that he rehomes it.

I presume he is giving the OP the choice to walk it everyday or have it rehomed. Sounds like he cares more about the dogs welfare than the OP tbh.

BarbarianMum · 26/02/2016 11:06

Sorry, that should read "cares for it forever but only on his terms"

NNalreadyinuse · 26/02/2016 11:07

Maybe her step dad could come round and walk it after work? Or would that be requiring too much effort on his part. Effort that he is expecting his agoraphobic step daughter to make every day btw.

At least if the OP had the dog, she could let it out in the garden for a pee and it would have the company of someone it knows and loves. Better than being alone in step dads house all day.