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AIBU?

Stepfather always guilt tripping about the family dog

200 replies

FlowersAndShit · 26/02/2016 10:13

I moved out of the family home almost a year ago. The family dog spent all of his time with me and I adore him. Stepdad started a new job after 20 years of being unemployed and is now constantly nagging and guilt tripping me about the dog since I moved out.

The dog is 7 and spends 8-9 hours a day alone. I live a 20 minute walk away and a few times I've gone to dogsit as I don't work due to anxiety/depression. I don't want to do it anymore because it's no longer my home, and I don't want to sit there for 3 plus hours.

Stepdad is now always guilt tripping me saying that he will have to put the dog to sleep or re-home him because he's on his own all the time. Stepdad owns the dog but loves to blackmail me emotionally, even when I got a cat which meant I couldn't look after the dog for 2 weeks whilst he and my mum go on holiday.

He's ringing me a few times a week now, nagging me and when I say no he starts getting aggressive and swearing which pisses me off. He brings up the fact that he takes me to appointments, but I can't be expected to dogsit throughout the week, I want my own life.

I struggle with depression and the guilt is making me feel worse. AIBU?

OP posts:

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FlowersAndShit · 26/02/2016 11:08

shamont, he has no intention of rehoming the dog, he does it to test my reaction.

OP posts:

shamonts · 26/02/2016 11:09

My sympathy is totally with the dog. All this talking about guilt and excuses as to why you can't be with the dog -yes, that includes getting a cat when you could have had the dog you profess to love so much - please for the love of god let someone else have the joy of walking it every day.

shamonts · 26/02/2016 11:09

Ok well tell him to rehome it then. It would be for the best anyway.

NNalreadyinuse · 26/02/2016 11:10

Well if you know that he is yanking your chain, tell him to piss off. Give him the option of either giving you the dog or not, but you wont be going round there anymore to look after it.
In the end, he'll do what he wants regarding the dog but at least he won't be dictating your life.

shamonts · 26/02/2016 11:11

I have two dogs and have suffered with depression and anxiety. They helped to heal me, its a kind of mindfulness having to walk them every day rain or shine whatever mood you are in.

FlowersAndShit · 26/02/2016 11:11

I feel like the only time I'll get any peace is when I'm dead. In the meantime, i'll just be eaten up with guilt.

OP posts:

NNalreadyinuse · 26/02/2016 11:12

Shamont, the OP is agoraphobic. And it's not even her dog.

shamonts · 26/02/2016 11:12

oh fgs.

MrsJayy · 26/02/2016 11:12

Why wont you just tell him I am ill i cant look after it every time he asks

WeAllHaveWings · 26/02/2016 11:13

The dog isn't your issue so you needn't fell guilty.

You SD hasn't done anything wrong getting a job, but if the dog is now at home 8-9 hours alone every day it would be better if it was rehomed.

Does your SD not want to rehome with you because you cant meet the dogs exercise needs due to your agoraphobia?

Tell your SD you cannot give the on-going commitment the dog needs and he should start looking to rehome the dog, it is the kindest thing to do.

Can you speak to your GP about arrangements to get to appointments so you can be more independent and don't need to rely on your SD for this?

NNalreadyinuse · 26/02/2016 11:13

She couldn't have had the dog. SF refused to give it to her.

NNalreadyinuse · 26/02/2016 11:13

Shamonts rtft

RudeElf · 26/02/2016 11:14

She couldn't have had the dog. SF refused to give it to her.

She couldnt have it anyway! She cant walk it and she has a cat. Her offer to have it was an empty gesture

BarbarianMum · 26/02/2016 11:16

You don't have to feel guilty - you are not responsible for his actions. You are not responsible for his dog any more than you are for the thousands of dogs in this country whose owners can't be bothered. Nor do you, or should you, spend your life being controlled by this awful man. Honestly, I do feel the less you see/hear/deal with him the more chance you have of feeling better. How about concentrating on yourself and your pet for a bit?

AnUtterIdiot · 26/02/2016 11:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

shamonts · 26/02/2016 11:16

He brings up the fact that he takes me to appointments, but I can't be expected to dogsit throughout the week, I want my own life.

then let him rehome the poor bloody dog!!

You don't want to look after him so what is the problem here?!

AnUtterIdiot · 26/02/2016 11:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ouriana · 26/02/2016 11:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 26/02/2016 11:19

If SDads friend is the Landlord he'll most likely find a way to not allow the dog to live there anyway.

Though in your Opening POst you describe "Family Home/Family Dog"

Is it that bad to spend a couple of hours in an empty house with the dog?

OK, it's not your home as you put it, but it's your old family home. If they weren't there (except the dog) and you arrive/leave when it's empty, is that do-able?

In the middle of it is an innocent creature.

NNalreadyinuse · 26/02/2016 11:20

It's not an empty gesture unless the sd says yes and then she doesn-t take the dog.
Agree it is not ideal for her to have it but it is also not ideal for sd to leave it alone all day or expect the OP to spend all day sitting in his house. She wouldn't be walking it there either.

If he is offering yo rehome because it is best for the dog, that is one thing, but if he us threatening to rehome in order to make the OP do what he wants then that is quite another.

Personally I think that a man who doesn't seem to care too much about the affect on his sd of agoraphobia is unlikely to worry overmuch about the dog. I think the OP has done ehat she can considering this isn't actually her pet.

Arfarfanarf · 26/02/2016 11:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LoveBoursin · 26/02/2016 11:23

So let's be clear.

The dog is the Op's STEPFATHER dog, not the OP, even if she was actually doping quite a bit for him when she was at home.

The OP is depressed and agoraphobia so can't go out of her house. Which means that 1- she definitively can't look after a dog and 2- asking her to go out of the house for a 20min walkj each way several times in the weekk is at least misguided, if not completely inappropriate to ask.

Her stepfather has no issue being a bully to force her to do something she doesn't want/can't do.

As for shamonts comments... you should be ashamed of yourself tbh. You are basically saying that this dog is more important than the OP's MH. That the family dog (which means her mum and stepfather dog!!) is somehow her responsibility and that she isn't allowed to make a life for herself, having a cat for example, even though she can't possibly look after a dog or have one in her flat!!!, or not spending her whole day at her parents', isn't an acceptable answer.
What would have happened if the OP had been able to work? Was she supposed to pay for a dog walker or not work just to be able to look after said dog, even though the dog isn't hers???

Flowers don't go and sit for your stepfather unless you really want to. Don't feel guilty. This dog is HIS responsibility and he should have thought about the issue of the dog been at home on his own when HE went back to work after 20years. Just play the broken record and tell him 'Im really sorry but I can't'. Don't listen to his threats. You know they are empty threats anyway. Maybe, if the number appears on your screen, don't answer the phone if you know this will be the reason of the call. Ignore. Ignore. Ignore.

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FlowersAndShit · 26/02/2016 11:27

I think I will just ask Stepdad to pick me up early in the morning and drop me off at the house, then he can go to work. At least then my conscience is clear.

OP posts:

Veterinari · 26/02/2016 11:27

where is your mum in all this?

RudeElf · 26/02/2016 11:27

It's not an empty gesture unless the sd says yes and then she doesn-t take the dog.

It is empty because she has no intention of taking the dog.

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