Stepfather always guilt tripping about the family dog

[FlowersAndShit]

I moved out of the family home almost a year ago. The family dog spent all of his time with me and I adore him. Stepdad started a new job after 20 years of being unemployed and is now constantly nagging and guilt tripping me about the dog since I moved out.

The dog is 7 and spends 8-9 hours a day alone. I live a 20 minute walk away and a few times I've gone to dogsit as I don't work due to anxiety/depression. I don't want to do it anymore because it's no longer my home, and I don't want to sit there for 3 plus hours.

Stepdad is now always guilt tripping me saying that he will have to put the dog to sleep or re-home him because he's on his own all the time. Stepdad owns the dog but loves to blackmail me emotionally, even when I got a cat which meant I couldn't look after the dog for 2 weeks whilst he and my mum go on holiday.

He's ringing me a few times a week now, nagging me and when I say no he starts getting aggressive and swearing which pisses me off. He brings up the fact that he takes me to appointments, but I can't be expected to dogsit throughout the week, I want my own life.

I struggle with depression and the guilt is making me feel worse. AIBU?

[FlowersAndShit]

I would like to cut contact with Stepdad but it's difficult because I still want to see my mum and the dog. He is emotionally abusive to my mum(and was to me when I lived there) so that's partly why I moved out. My mum and my cat are the only people I really have. I haven't had friends since I was 13. I go to an anxiety support group once a fortnight on the bus - but that's because I know exactly where I'm going, which bus to get etc. If it was a different route i'd panic. I also have mild autism.

Stepdad takes me to the dentist a few times a year and to the vet a few time a year. He picks up my medication once a month and I go to see the dog when I can. I've only amanged it a handful of times. I feel awful for relying on people and guilty because I've never worked. I'm battling with my own mind most days and it's hard. Sometimes I can't face going to the corner shop to get milk because I feel overwhelmed.

[eatsleephockeyrepeat]

I see what you're saying Love but OP sounds not long into adulthood, so step father is probably feeling like he has done a lot for her over the years, whereas for OP the slate wiped clean at 18 and she doesn't feel she owes him anything; not even looking after the dog!

I'm projecting, but it reminds me of rows I had with my dad. He drove hours every weekend to pick up me and my brother for visitation, but I was a kid so wasn't "grateful" as such, he was just doing what I expected my dad to do. Then he'd absolutely flip off at me when I couldn't even find the time to call him once a week from uni!

Mental health issues are hard enough for people who've never had them to understand, let alone people with complex emotional relationships with the sufferers. Perhaps he thinks he's helping her by normalising - not treating her differently because of them - and expecting the same form her as he would form anyone else. Granted, doesn't seem to be going down well, but perhaps he's not completely heartless.

But again I say the back story might show that he completely is.

[70isaLimitNotaTarget]

I think the StepDad is rather cack handedly trying to "Get her out of her flat" and "Get her out and about" in an effort to take her out of her own environment.
As many previous posters have said, excercise, interaction with other people and animals (and much as you might love a cat, they do interaction on their terms) help some.

Maybe he can't fathom why she chose to move away?

Maybe he's using the dog that she professes to love as leverage but isn't articulating himself.

Huge % of people have no clue about agraphobia/claustrophobia/depression/any other mental illness.

A lot of posters on here will have.

I'm not in favour of one side or the other. Poster or StepDad.
But it's a shame that the actions or inactivity on both sides have lead to this.

[NNalreadyinuse]

Could the anxiety support group help you to cut reliance on your sd for dental visits etc. Do they work on strategies to help you cope when you have to go out? I don't know if it is possible to get medication sent out to you. I'm sorry, I don't know what arrangements are usual for patients who cannot leave the house.

[ricketytickety]

You can't worry about the dog when you have bigger fish to fry - namely your mental health. The dog will be fine. If you had a camera to watch it, you'd see it snoozing all day and lively when they come home. If it gets a walk, food, shelter and kindness in the evening then it's living a good enough life.

Now, you on the other hand are the one your family should be concentrating on.

Do you think the control issues and emotional blackmail have affected your anxiety levels and thus your mental health?

[maydancer]

I think your family must regard it as 'your' dog. I think you need to either decide that it is your pooch and move it in with you, or tell your Sdad he can get rid.

[eatsleephockeyrepeat]

Hey flowers, just wanted to say I feel for you and it sounds like you're battling really hard against anxiety - good on you, celebrate every little victory!

All I'll say is sometimes people's expectations of you can seem thoughtless, callous or even deliberately guilt-laden in order to make you feel even more burdened or weighed-down; but more often that not it's just a lack of understanding mixed with the anxiety, making everything a thousand times heavier in your mind than it needs to be.

If it's people you care about or depend upon I'd say it's worth trying to keep an open dialogue, but keep being honest about what your limitations (or the limitations of your anxiety) are and what you can or can't do. If on the other hand it's someone you couldn't care less about, don't bother explaining yourself, just do what you need to do :)

Take care!

[70isaLimitNotaTarget]

Flowers when you were at home did you take the dog out to get away from your home environment?

[QuiteLikely5]

Does your mum work too

[wornoutboots]

a lot of people here don't seem to understand agoraphobia.

I have it.

I also do a 20 min walk 3 times a day to take my kids to school & nursery - because I HAVE to.
I may be white and shaking when I get back home, and spend an hour crying while the kids do other things (so far they haven't noticed, or at least not found it worth comment). I may be shaking before we go out and throwing up with anxiety about it.
But I do it despite the agoraphobia.
I rather suspect if the dog was there in her own home as HER OWN DOG then she would manage to walk it because that would be her responsibility.

But going 20 min away to do a favour and walk the pet of a man who verbally abused me wouldn't be happening, with or without the anxiety problems.

[FlowersAndShit]

My mum works full time - stepdad works about 20-30 hours a week.

70 No, but I sometimes take the dog around the block if I feel strong enough.

[MrsJayy]

Tbf agrophobia wasnt mentioned till 2 or 3 posts ago after the op mentioned it posters tried to understand and be helpful

[maydancer]

I am very sorry that you are having to battle mental illness OP that really sucks.
But you cannot expect people to put the time and energy into looking after your dog if they are not willing to.If you are unable to care for your dog, and they can't or won't then it will have to be rehomed or PTS. I realise it is an emotive topic for you, but I think your SD is within his rights not to want to be lumbered with the dog like this.

[ricketytickety]

It's not op's dog. She hasn't abandoned it. It's the family dog and therefore the responsibility of the op's parents. Step dad is either controlling or trying to 'help' op's agrophobia in a really ham fisted way.

[Gabilan]

OK, OP. It does sound like in general you are having a very hard time of it and your stepdad is not helping.

Can you talk to your GP (or similar) about the effects of exercise on you. I find exercise helps my depression but I don't have agoraphobia and my anxiety is not so bad I can't get out. It might be that having the responsibility of walking a dog 2x a week would help. Or it might just cause you a lot of stress!

I don't recall your previous threads so didn't know the backstory to start with. From you OP it sounded like YWBU and your stepdad was asking for reasonable things but applying unreasonable pressure. Knowing a bit more now, I'd say that really you do need to separate yourself from him as much as possible. He needs to pay a dogsitter, get a dogflap, or rehome the dog. It's sad given that you're attached to the dog that your health doesn't enable you to help more but it doesn't, and he is using your affection for the animal as leverage.

Well done on moving away from him. Now can you separate from him a bit more!

[maydancer]

It's the family dog and therefore the responsibility of the op's parents.

why is it the parents responsibility? Op says ' ...dog spent all of his time with me '

It doesn't sound to me as thought the step father is being AE- in fact it sounds as though he does a lot for the OP.He just doesn't want to be lumbered with the damn dog. He is trying to make sure the OP understands that if she can't care for the dog, then it is going! That is not being emotionally abusive, it is just not wanting to be a doormat!

[Quoteunquote]

Please put the dogs's needs first, the dog needs walks, not to be alone.

You only live 20 minutes away, walk over, walk back, spend time letting the cat get to know the dog, if the dogs disinterested as it's tired from a long walk and you feed the cat fresh chicken every time you arrive with the dog, in a week the cat will be pleased to see the dog.

You can either walk the dog back or get someone to pick it up on the way home.

As for rehoming good luck, we put hundreds and hundreds of healthy dogs down each day in this country because people don't want to meet their needs.

[deste]

Why doesn't he drop the dog off at yours in the morning, hoping that eventually the two will get used to each other and then he could pick it up at night.

[DoJo]

Instead of picking you up to sit in his house all day, could your stepdad not drop the dog round to your flat on his way into work in the morning? That way the dog isn't alone and you can take it out on a familiar route that you feel you can manage at whatever point in the day suits you.
Either that or call his bluff on the re-homing issue and hope that's an end to it!

[NNalreadyinuse]

may so far as I know the OP didn't buy the dog. It belongs to her parents. She has offered to take it but her sd refused. What he wants is to go to work every day and have the OP sit in his house with the dog. OP is unwilling (rightly imo) to do so.

[shamonts]

The best thing about animals is that they teach people that life isn't all about them. The dog, in the nicest possible way, doesn't care that you have MH issues. It just wants a walk.

[NNalreadyinuse]

Bloody hell shamonts. Just because the dog doesn't know the OP is ill, it doesn't actually change the reality of her situation!

[BlackeyedShepherdsbringsheep]

I think you need to prioritise your health. if walking the dog helps fine, if not. do what you need to do. afaik regular exercise helps but if the tie of a specific day/time is going to increase anxiety then now is not the time to take it on.

the dog belongs to step dad therefore it is his problem. just becasue you provided care for it while you were there does not make it yours and your responsibility.

I would also try to not rely on him for lifts etc as he is not a positive influence in your life. (that is difficult I know)

[kali110]

Sorry but it doesn't sound like you love the dog that much, but more like you feel obliged to do it?
I have mental health problems too btw so i do know how it feels.
I suffer with anxiety, depression,severe ocd and agoraphobia.
I also have mobility problems and chronic pain and chronic fatigue, but if my family were saying they were going to get rid of the dog i'd take it, even if they weren't serious. People have dogs and cats together happily.
It does sound like this dog was more yours, it must feel awful not seeing you.
I can understand not being able to get out the house all the time, so i'd have the dog at mine instead, or keep it.
That way dog isn't on it's own and is back with the person it's spent most of it's life with. It may have a bit of an improvement on your mental health too. Knowing you have to take the dog outcan work wonders.