Stepfather always guilt tripping about the family dog

[FlowersAndShit]

I moved out of the family home almost a year ago. The family dog spent all of his time with me and I adore him. Stepdad started a new job after 20 years of being unemployed and is now constantly nagging and guilt tripping me about the dog since I moved out.

The dog is 7 and spends 8-9 hours a day alone. I live a 20 minute walk away and a few times I've gone to dogsit as I don't work due to anxiety/depression. I don't want to do it anymore because it's no longer my home, and I don't want to sit there for 3 plus hours.

Stepdad is now always guilt tripping me saying that he will have to put the dog to sleep or re-home him because he's on his own all the time. Stepdad owns the dog but loves to blackmail me emotionally, even when I got a cat which meant I couldn't look after the dog for 2 weeks whilst he and my mum go on holiday.

He's ringing me a few times a week now, nagging me and when I say no he starts getting aggressive and swearing which pisses me off. He brings up the fact that he takes me to appointments, but I can't be expected to dogsit throughout the week, I want my own life.

I struggle with depression and the guilt is making me feel worse. AIBU?

[kali110]

dej i don't care about last word you singled me out from your posts! I simply replied. You have been harsh, not me.
If you're going to quote me and then state things that aren't true then i will defend myself.

[2rebecca]

How old are you? If you're 20 and the dog was bought when you were a child then the "family" dog is really your mum and stepdad's dog. Calling it a "family house" and "family dog" is disguising the issue that neither of them belong to you and you now have your own house and pet.
If you moved out age 40 and were a big factor in buying the dog then you should have sorted out who looks after the dog before you moved.
When you've sorted out the agoraphobia with CBT and anxiety support you'll be able to walk the dog more.

[dejarderoncar]

Kali110

p.s. can this stop now? I will let you have the last word, but I won't be back.

[dejarderoncar]

kali

I apologise. I would have been clearer saying "So I don't see ......would think I was referring to EVERYBODY with mental health issues" Of course I was referring to people with MH issues, but SOME of them.

I used anybody in that sentence in the sense of " just any person at all with MH isssues". This is normal usage, but perhaps a little more subtle.


Admittedly I was making some quite harsh comments, compared to most other posters. OP came on AIBU, as she has done many times before, so she knew what she might expect here. I think I was entitled to imply that she might be BU, as we only had her side of the story, which COULD have been biased because of her MH. Clearly she did not like it.

That doesn't make my post offensive.

If you, or one of the other numerous "offendees" wanted to, you could have reported my post.

I have years of experience of mental ill health both as a qualified professional, and previously as a Service User. I have spent time on a psychiatric ward as a patient. I'm the last person to deliberately insult everybody with MH issues by lumping them/us all in together.

[kali110]

kal110

Unfortunately, poor MH can made some people incredibly self centred, manipulative and selfish, and very lacking in insight.

Cut and paste of my original post. Notice the word "some" in there Kali? I also said peoples' basic personality pñayed a part, aqnd mentioned another poster who had very severe MH problems, but still did her utmost to take her children to school.

So I don't see how anyone reasonable, aqnd can read properly, would think I was referring in that instance to anybody with MH issues.

so we shouldn't think you are referring to people with mh issues, except for the fact that you said it in the first sentance?
That makes no sense....

Kali110, not kal110

[RitaVinTease]

I'd record him swearing at me a couple of times.
Then distance myself. He sounds very controlling.

[kali110]

I'm not the only person dej so maybe you're the one who cannot read.
I wasn't the one who bought it up first, infact the op found you condescending and offensive before i even posted.
Ifyou're regretting your choice of words now that's not my fault.
I actually thought you were quite measuredlast night, not anymore.
Maybe you should read back through the post yourself.

[dejarderoncar]

Hit post instead of preview in error. excuse typos

[dejarderoncar]

kal110

Unfortunately, poor MH can made some people incredibly self centred, manipulative and selfish, and very lacking in insight.

Cut and paste of my original post. Notice the word "some" in there Kali? I also said peoples' basic personality pñayed a part, aqnd mentioned another poster who had very severe MH problems, but still did her utmost to take her children to school.

So I don't see how anyone reasonable, aqnd can read properly, would think I was referring in that instance to anybody with MH issues.

And no one other than you has commented about it.

[Oldraver]

Walking the the dog will probably do you some good.

[kali110]

dejarderoncar i didn't make you look insensitive or ignorant, that is simply what i ( and others!) got from your post so don't try and put words in my mouth.

[TheIceCreamCometh]

YABU.

Look after the dog. You don't know that your cat and the dog don't get on, you're making excuses. It sounds like it was more your dog than your step dad's, but now you've moved out you're washing your hands of all responsibility.

Poor bloody dog.

[dejarderoncar]

ps. especially when what I am wrongly supposed to have said makes me look both ignorant and insensitive.

[dejarderoncar]

kali110

( the part about people with mh problems being manipulative, that bit made me hmm )

this is what I was referring to, Kali. I didn't lump all people with MH problems together as all being manipulative, I specifically said "some".

It just annoys me when I write a post on what I know is a sensitive topic, chosing my words very carefully, and previewing, checking and editing my post if necessary, and then get called out on something I not only did not say, but went to pains to make sure I did not say.

[guffaux]

chocolate - i had a terrible relationship with my father, who was a violent and abusive man- my relationship with the dog came first -i tolerated contact with father in order to see the dog , so no, it wasn't 'lovely' for me, thankyou.

[kali110]

Excuse me?i made what comment?

[dejarderoncar]

gabilan a thousand apologies to you, ir was another poster kali110 who made the comment.

[AugustaFinkNottle]

Can you get your mum to drop the dog round at yours when she goes out for the day, and collect it when she comes back?

[AyeAmarok]

I remember your other threads, your SF is horrible and possibly abusive.

I do think dogs and walking dogs is great for depression as it gets you out and about. But given the agoraphobia, that might not be an option for you.

Depression does make even the smallest of tasks feel completely overwhelming, so I get why the pressure of him demanding you dogsit would be too much to take and make your anxiety worse.

Your SF should have considered HIS dog before he took that job. He should have factored in doggie daycare. He shouldn't rely on you for favours when your illness makes that a huge ask of you.

I think the dog should go to daycare or be either rehomed.

I think you need to stop relying on him for lifts though

[kali110]

Op how do you know for certain that the dog and cat won't get on? People do manage to have these animals toegther!
Sorry but it does read like you are just trying to find excuses.
If you don't want to do it then be honest

[Gabilan]

Dejar I'm confused. I agree with (at least some of) what you said. I was trying to make it clear that yes, we only have the OP's perspective. And yes I am aware that you were saying that not everyone with MH problems is manipulative but was agreeing that I personally find that when I'm depressed my judgement is unclear.

I'll leave you to it. And no, I'm not going to apologise for something I didn't do.

[dejarderoncar]

gabilan I made it absolutely clear that some people with MH issues can be manipulative, I never used it to describe a whole group of people. Why is it OK for you to say something completely untrue about my post, and leave the impression on MN that I have an unintelligent and unpleasant way of thinking about people with MH issues. An apology would be nice.

I have read a number of OP's previous threads. She used to take the dog for a walk, she complained about the amount of shits it did. She has been to Disneyland and wishes she had a friend to go again with. All of these within the last year. She said she lived 5 minutes from her parents. She said she was chatting online to a man, and would, if the occasion arose, go to meet him in a public place.

Is there absolutely no critical or intelligent thinking on MN or has it really turned to nothing but ignorance and treacle? Or is the forum just for blindly trusting what people are saying and forgetting that good old British "pinch of salt" which intelligent people used to apply.

[shamonts]

I think you need to move on from the dog. You've clearly moved on with your life and getting a cat meant that you could never take it with you.

[FlowersAndShit]

Yes, I did that before but now have a cat. The dog doesn't really settle here plus he'd terrify the cat/possibly kill it.

[stolemyusername]

Flowers is there any possibility that he could drop the dog with you on his way to work and pick it up on his way home? Then you and the dog have company through the day and knob head can't complain at you.