Stepfather always guilt tripping about the family dog

[FlowersAndShit]

I moved out of the family home almost a year ago. The family dog spent all of his time with me and I adore him. Stepdad started a new job after 20 years of being unemployed and is now constantly nagging and guilt tripping me about the dog since I moved out.

The dog is 7 and spends 8-9 hours a day alone. I live a 20 minute walk away and a few times I've gone to dogsit as I don't work due to anxiety/depression. I don't want to do it anymore because it's no longer my home, and I don't want to sit there for 3 plus hours.

Stepdad is now always guilt tripping me saying that he will have to put the dog to sleep or re-home him because he's on his own all the time. Stepdad owns the dog but loves to blackmail me emotionally, even when I got a cat which meant I couldn't look after the dog for 2 weeks whilst he and my mum go on holiday.

He's ringing me a few times a week now, nagging me and when I say no he starts getting aggressive and swearing which pisses me off. He brings up the fact that he takes me to appointments, but I can't be expected to dogsit throughout the week, I want my own life.

I struggle with depression and the guilt is making me feel worse. AIBU?

[FantasticButtocks]

Hi OP - did you know that exercise can be very helpful for people with depression?

If you do the 20-minute walk to where the dog is, then take the dog out for an hour's walk each day, then walk the 20 mins back home - that is 1 hour and forty minutes exercise for you! Build it into your day as a regular part of trying to look after yourself while you are suffering with depression. It will also help the poor dog who is missing you. It will also stop your step-father from ringing you all the time and having a go - problem solved!

[LoveBoursin]

shamonths can you not see that the threats of rehoming the dog is just that, a threat? That it is just a tactic for her stepdad to get what he wants and to bully the OP into doing something that she would be extremely hard for her to do and probably detrimetal to her MH??

The OP's has agoraphobia. How do you think she will feel to do a 20mins walk each way to go the family home? How do you think she will feel knowing she is there but can't take the dog out but somehow, because she is there, it has become HER responsibility rather than her mum and stepfather's responsibility.
Can you not see the bullying and emotional abuse happening there?

[NNalreadyinuse]

Well then you are doing exactly what he wants and nothing will change. And when it's not the dog, he will find something else to control you with.

[LoveBoursin]

FGS, maybe some people should read the full thread. Or at least, the OP's posts ....

[eatsleephockeyrepeat]

There's clearly a back story here as people are pointing out, but from your original post I completely disagree (at first reading) with all the "it's his dog, let him sort it out, he's trying to control you" blah blah blah.

The line that stuck with me was He brings up the fact that he takes me to appointments, but I can't be expected to dogsit throughout the week, I want my own life which to me sounds like he's asking you to reciprocate some of the favours he's done for you, and is getting frustrated that you're being so selfish reluctant!


Back story might change my mind completely but if he's helping you out he probably wants you to understand he expects you to chip in in return; I can imagine him coming up with the rehoming thing to try and get it through to you what an important favour this would be to him as he probably doesn't understand why you just won't do it. If you couldn't do it or he wasn't ever helping you out I'd understand, but not doing it because you "want your own life"? Nope, don't get that.

[stopfuckingshoutingatme]

I don't think he should be bullying you on this

But would not the time spent with the dog, and the exercise help your depression?

maybe in a very cack-handed way he thinks that you helping the dog is a win win??

I mean you adore the dog, go hang out with it- as really it will do you good too OP

[NNalreadyinuse]

How do you know Rude?

[RudeElf]

I think I will just ask Stepdad to pick me up early in the morning and drop me off at the house, then he can go to work. At least then my conscience is clear.

Stop being a martyr.

[RudeElf]

How do you know Rude?

Because she cant have the dog there!! She said herself.

[NNalreadyinuse]

Sitting in someone elses house all day everyday, which her sd wants, does , deprive her of the time to live her own life. It's a much bigger favour than taking someone to an occasional medical appt.

[LoveBoursin]

xpost flowers.

If you do that, you will have done exactely what your stepdad wants you to do. He will have won.
And what about you in all that? How detrimental will it be for YOUR mental health?
How often are you supposed to do that? Everyday?

What is it that you would see as the best outcome in this situation, if there was o barrier to it? This is what you should aim for. Not just doing whatever is going to apease him wo no regard for yourself.
Please, give yourself as much care and compassion than you have for other people around you.

[thecitydoc]

the dog is treated cruelly by being left alone for such a long time. You either have to step up to the mark and and spend more time with it, or allow your step-dad to do what he sees is best interest of the dog. Ideally this would be to re-home it.

[eatsleephockeyrepeat]

Sitting in someone elses house all day everyday, which her sd wants, does , deprive her of the time to live her own life

Did I miss it saying somewhere he wants her to do this all day every day? I didn't get that impression...

[FantasticButtocks]

Sorry, didn't see about the agoraphobia when I posted. Are you having treatment for this? If not, please look into what you can do to help yourself with this. Don't condemn yourself to a life of not going anywhere, don't resign yourself to living like this forever.

Hope you manage to get help for your problems.

[NNalreadyinuse]

3 plus hours the OP says. I don't know how it would be less if she needs him to pick her up in the morning and take her there. Presumably she wouldn't be able to get home again until someone takes her, so when sd finishes work.

He is also ringing her up and swearing and getting aggressive if she doesnt comply.

[NNalreadyinuse]

I love my mum's dog. I look after it when they go on holiday and have sat in my parents house when they have had to be out all day. But I honestly wouldn't fancy doing this every day - it does suck a big chunk of time out of the day.

[eatsleephockeyrepeat]

NNalready see I didn't read that as he calls her to swear at her about the dog, I read it as he calls her a few times a week, brings up the dog then gets pissed off that she "can't be expected" to help out her family; the family who are expected to help her out.

I just imagine my (not controlling or emotionally abusive) father getting pissed of and shouting at me in my teens/early twenties when I had a similar-sounding attitude to chipping in with the family chores; turns out in retrospect I was completely self-absorbed. I'd have sworn at me too!

[shamonts]

I am afraid I care more about the dogs welfare than the OPs. Sorry. I am terribly English.

[70isaLimitNotaTarget]

Leaving the Dog aside, do you want to cut all contact with your family. Or just your SDad?

(I haven't read alot of your previous posts but there's issues with your Dad , your Brother (I think) and your StepDad?)

Do you stay in your flat alone when you have days when you cannot go out?

If you cut all contact will that be the ongoing scenario?
Has your DMum suggested you come over to their house so you aren't siitting looking at 4 walls all day?
Maybe she hasn't asked but your StepDad has just waded in.

Maybe he didn't want to go out and work but he has to.
And he feels you aren't reciprocating with helping (regarding the payback for the appointments) How much time does that take out of his day?

[LoveBoursin]

But eats if your dd or dsd was ill and couldn't get out of the house, wouldn't you want to help her rather than getting annoyed because she can't reciprocate because of her health???

I thought that's what a family is for.

Besides, her stepfather is demanding her to look after the dog several days a week (or more probably everyday from the sounds of it). Do you think he is helping her by taking her to medical appointments every other day??
Even if you were expecting a tit for tat attitude, she would still be dong much much more than he si doing for her.

[shamonts]

I am not expecting the OP to change her routines or whatever is important for her - I am saying she should encourage her stepdad to rehome it. She has made it quite clear she has no intention or desire to look after it - that's fine, she doesn't have to. But someone does.

[NNalreadyinuse]

I'm English too. I care about both but think that ultimately people should take responsibility for their own pets and not offload it onto their unwell children.

[NNalreadyinuse]

Shamonts, I honestly believe that if he wanted to rehome the dog he would have and nothing the OP has to say would make any difference. But what sd really wants is to be in charge and get her to do what he wants.

[shamonts]

Yes, I agree its not the OPs dog and its ultimately up to the owner what to do. Which is why the OP needs to tell the owner that she's not up to doing what he wants and please rehome it.