Stepfather always guilt tripping about the family dog

[FlowersAndShit]

I moved out of the family home almost a year ago. The family dog spent all of his time with me and I adore him. Stepdad started a new job after 20 years of being unemployed and is now constantly nagging and guilt tripping me about the dog since I moved out.

The dog is 7 and spends 8-9 hours a day alone. I live a 20 minute walk away and a few times I've gone to dogsit as I don't work due to anxiety/depression. I don't want to do it anymore because it's no longer my home, and I don't want to sit there for 3 plus hours.

Stepdad is now always guilt tripping me saying that he will have to put the dog to sleep or re-home him because he's on his own all the time. Stepdad owns the dog but loves to blackmail me emotionally, even when I got a cat which meant I couldn't look after the dog for 2 weeks whilst he and my mum go on holiday.

He's ringing me a few times a week now, nagging me and when I say no he starts getting aggressive and swearing which pisses me off. He brings up the fact that he takes me to appointments, but I can't be expected to dogsit throughout the week, I want my own life.

I struggle with depression and the guilt is making me feel worse. AIBU?

[ridemesideways]

Of course you have a choice? Say no. Ask your mother to rehome the dog if you think he'll be happier elsewhere.

[RudeElf]

So you are choosing to let him control you then.

[dejarderoncar]

rideme How is it about controlling the OP? You have absolutely no way of knowing that, even if there have been other controlling behaviours previously.

SD may just be trying to get her to accept some responsibilty, or her MH team may have suggested it to the family as a possibly therapeutic measure. Some people with agoraphobia find that having an animal that they are familiar with beside them, can make going out more bearable.

[Sunnybitch]

Galiban I have one of them! Cold shower to wake you up my arse all you need is psychotic, hungry, needy cats

[Chocolatteaddict1]

Have you actually read any of op posts? She is arsed clearly as she has been going.

This is bigger than the dog. It's about the control her step father has over her. The dog is just another stick to beat her with. I'm sorry grey but a humans MH cones before a dog. The op has stated that she is not well but a few posters don't seem to care.

The fact that her step dad is abusive and looking after the dog entails been pulled back to his house seems not to matter one jot to done posters and it's strange.

She is ill.
She doesn't want to look after her step dads dog thst he is black mailing her over


op you need to go NC with him. It's not your fault if he punishes the dog to get at you. That's him by being an evil fucker. You also need to tell your mum that you only want to see her at your home. What she chooses to do with be a testament to if she has a backbone or not.

Good luck

[Chocolatteaddict1]

dejar if you honestly can't see through reading the posts then I don't know what thread your on. This isn't op first thread about her step dad. I've just skimmed through some of the posts and some replies are ridiculous.

Dogs/cats/rabbits/pigs/giraffes do not come first before the health and well being of another human. I'm sorry but they don't.

[shamonts]

It's a Staffie? Then there's absolutely no chance it will be rehomed. I think you probably need to accept that in fact you don't love the dog quite as much as you thought and try and move on.

[dejarderoncar]

Last September, just a few months ago, OP said she lived five (not twenty) minutes away from her family home.

OP was also asking opinions about a man she was talking to online, and said she would go to meet him in a public space if things progressed.

But she can't take the dog she "adores" for a walk, and would rather leave it shut up for 8 or 9 hours a day rather than do what her SD asks.

And if SD is only working part time, and there are two adults in the household, how is the dog being left for so long anyway?

[Chocolatteaddict1]

It's not her dog.
He won't let her have it.
She now has a cat.
He threatens to put it down so she will go sit in his house. That's bullying. He swears at her. That's bullying. She doesn't want to go sit in this bullies house and that's ok. She should go compete NC with this tosser but some posters expect her to go sit in his house and dog sit when he clicks his fingers.

In my world (and I've had dogs all my life) that's not ok.

[dejarderoncar]

chocolate stop putting words into my mouth. Nowhere have I said animals of any kind come before humans. I clearly said animals can help sometimes with some MH sufferers, and possibly OP might be one of them.

By the way, I have read every post on this thread, and, like you, skimmed some of the OP's PPs. My last post indicated the first thing I found. I don't just talk out of my backside, you know; I read, research, think and use my long and varied professional training and experience to come to my conclusions.

[dejarderoncar]

chocolate tried to reply to your post, but stupid system here keeps losing it, I'm out.

[Gabilan]

Dejar I think you have a point in that we're only hearing this from the OP's perspective and by her own admission she's ill. IME depression does odd things to my judgement.

OP I don't think discussing this here will really help you. We none of us know the full story. Of course we don't on other threads either but I think when it comes to MH issues, there are times when it's better to go to a professional who can help more.

[guffaux]

i left parents' home over 30 years ago, we had a family spaniel who i truly loved and adored, i used to go home 2-3 times a week to walk him even though father was there 24 hrs a day and walked him twice every day too- its just that i had a relationship with that dog and he missed me,(I probably missed him more ) he was so excited to see me and to go out with me for a walk, he eventually came to live with me when father no longer able to walk him, i could not have seen that lovely dog go anywhere else, and could never have not gone to visit him after i left home, i would have gone everyday if he had not had company or father had not walked him- i know not everyone is the same, and health reasons apart, surely op could put the dog's needs first and tackle relationship with sd seperately?

[Chocolatteaddict1]

guff how lovely for you. Sadly op relationship with her step dad is nothing like you have with your dad. Her sf is a bully.

[kali110]

Gabilan actually cats are very good at perceiving peoples moods. Mine always senses when i am down and comes to me and tolerates me over fusing it. I'm not the one that feeds it regulary either!

I do agree with a bit of dej post ( not the part about people with mh problems being manipulative, that bit made me ) but the part about op loving the dog.
I don't honestly get the sense you do care about it that much, as i said in my first post. It's seems more like a chore.
you loved this dog for years but it seems now that you don't care.
I couldn't love a petfor years and then just not want to do anything to help it.
Sorry, you have no idea if the dog and cat won't get on.
I've had friends who have had several dogs,a cat and rabbits all in the house.
We have two cats and two rabbits running about in the same house even though they shouldn't get on.

shamots terribly english? I have no idea what that even means? I thought we were supposed to be a nation of animal lovers?

[FantasticButtocks]

Please don't act on the basis that you have 'no choice'. You do have a choice. If you'd prefer to not have the responsibility for the dog then say so, and don't answer the phone to your sd again. You'll need to find a different person to take you to appointments etc, but if you want to distance yourself from sd it will be worth the effort of doing that.

Perhaps it is your illness that makes you think you have no choice. But that's not true, you do.

I thought spending time with the dog might help you, but if you feel it won't, and you don't want to, then it is your choice to say that.

[Inkanta]

What about about your anxiety and depression. Are you getting help and treatment for that? That seems to be the root of your difficulties right now - if you are not able to work because of it.

[Gobbolinothewitchscat]

Surly the thing to do is to out all the Extraneous stuff aside and look at what is best for the dog?

It either needs:

1. Regular walks; or
   

1. Rehomed.
   

Now we can bring in the extraneous stuff.

Step father - can't walk dog enough as at work.

flowers - can't walk dog due to agoraphobia etc. Can't rehome it due to cat/landlord

Therefore - dog is rehomed elsewhere.

[seven201]

When I first starting reading your post I thought maybe he was doing it to try and help encourage you to get out the house and get into a routine. But no, he's just not a nice person.

I have no idea of this would work for you but perhaps you could agree to go say Tuesday's and Friday's only and do it on your terms independent of him. So walk there (I know this wouldn't be easy for you but would be a good personal achievement) for 11.30 and stay until 12.30 then be back to yours by 1 for lunch. When you are there for the hour change what you do from what you used to do when you were living there e.g. Don't sit in the same seat you always used to on the sofa, take a book to read. Don't leave time for sitting there remembering what you didn't like about living there.

Just my rambling suggestions that might not be helpful at all.

Please don't let him bully you into doing what you don't want to.

[seven201]

A lot of people pay for a dog walker or dog sitter. Can he not afford to? My sister drops her two dogs off at a dog sitter on her way to work every day.

[aprilanne]

flowers as the mother of an high functioning autistic son and the wife of a severly mentally ill husband you have my sympathies .you should think of your own mental health and if the dog must be rehomed so be it .folk getting on to you will not work because no amount of shaming on this subject would worry my son and if you agrophobic you will only be sitting with the dog not walking him anyway ..if you want ask your stepdad to drop the dog off to you in the morning .therefore you in a good part of the day and if you need to go out and cant take dog you can just leave him at yours .

[aprilanne]

i am an animal lover .we have cat /puppy .and in door rabbit .

[Fluffycloudland77]

I think he just enjoys torturing you

[Inkanta]

Yes on the subject of your step-father he doesn't seem a very nice man and I feel glad for you that you have managed to move out. He's a bit of a control freak isn't he. It's hard to stand up to him if you feel vulnerable. I hope in your own place you will begin to get stronger and more confident.

Not sure what you want to do about your dog situation though. I sense you need distance from your step-father for now.

[FlowersAndShit]

Thank you all.

Seven Yes, I will do that, thank you