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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel like a single parent?

88 replies

EustaceTheDragon · 25/02/2016 19:42

I'm being a hyperbolic here, to a point - obviously I don't have the crushing pressure that real lone parents have. My mother raised me on her own, so I have some idea of what it's really like.

However, DH recently changed jobs and is working much longer hours than before. We escaped to the North to be rid of London working hours, and it's just the same, only without our friends and comfortable surroundings.

He leaves for work about 7.30am, and here it is.. over 12 hours later, and he's not home. I'm getting fed up.

AIBU?

OP posts:
TestingTestingWonTooFree · 25/02/2016 19:45

Yanbu and hopefully the disclaimers in your post will stop you getting a kicking. Where's the plan gone wrong? Is there any scope to change it?

RatherBeRiding · 25/02/2016 19:47

Well yes. Because you aren't a lone parent are you?

Your DH may work long hours, but he brings his income to the family. Presumably he has days off? He shares the decisions, the responsibilities, the parenting.

Having to pick up the bulk of the child-care doesn't make you a long parent.

RatherBeRiding · 25/02/2016 19:48

Lone. Not long. Doh.

TimeToMuskUp · 25/02/2016 19:48

YANBU. DH works away regularly and it's hard work. I've got better at dealing with it by throwing myself into activities, friendships and clubs with the DCs. Sometimes he gets on my nerves when he's here, tbh.

Flowers though, it sounds tough.

twinkletoedelephant · 25/02/2016 19:49

Me too

I am knackard dh gets 605 train in the morning and gets in between 7-8 depending on connection at night :-(

All for 30grand a year.

The kids barley see him in the week and he's knackard all the time. He finally got this job after being made redundant and 6 months of applying for everything but getting no where.

The train fair alone costs a fortune coupled with the fact he dosnt do anything around the house anymore as he's so tired all the time.

It all a bit shit.

IHaveBrilloHair · 25/02/2016 19:49

Please send me his income, and I'll send you no money and no other parent ever.

seasidesally · 25/02/2016 19:50

well maybe if it's a new job he wants to make a good impression

and no your right it's nothing like being a single parent

QuiteLikely5 · 25/02/2016 19:53

Did you k ow what his hours were going to be? Or is this overtime?

seasidesally · 25/02/2016 19:54

do you work??

do you have dc's??

RudeElf · 25/02/2016 19:58

Well yes yabu because you dont feel like a lone parent, you feel like a parent whose partner works long days. Which is fine to say! Its ok to hate it and miss him and struggle with it. Call it what it is.

Yellowbird54321 · 25/02/2016 19:59

YABU - and I second what IHave posted! But as you're not happy why don't you separate from him and then you can decide for yourself (with the benefit of being able to make a comparison) whether YABU.

starry0ne · 25/02/2016 19:59

YABU... For someone raised by a LP .. You seem to have no idea...

One income
One set of sick cover
One set of holiday cover
No one to look after child for even a exercise class never mind a day out

but ultimately no emotion support for a rubbish day, no one who really understands your child and no one to share the tiny little things that make you so proud you want to burst but no one else in the world would care..

It might not be easy but do not compare

MsJamieFraser · 25/02/2016 20:07

Oh FFS, OP get this thread deleted, because frankly its just not worth the hassle.

YANBU to feel the way you do.

My friend is a lone parent, however she doese not have to worry about the money side of things, because she had sex with a wealthy sperm donor, everything aside from the money is down to her, as his father loves in another county.

Its hard work this parenting, regardless if your in a relationship or not.

Nottodaythankyouorever · 25/02/2016 20:10

Of course YABU to feel the way you do.

Be prepared to be jumped on though.....

Nottodaythankyouorever · 25/02/2016 20:11
  • YANBU missed out the N Blush
Alambil · 25/02/2016 20:15

I am a LP but I'm not too daft to realise the sentiment of what you mean.

YANBU took find it tough and stressful and horrid that he's so tired and the upheaval hasn't paid off yet... take care is yourself

alicemalice · 25/02/2016 20:16

I'm a single parent and hate it how everyone jumps on an OP when they say things like this.

I do know what you mean, it's not truly like being a lone parent, but it doesn't sound much fun either.

CultureSucksDownWords · 25/02/2016 20:19

Yanbu to be fed up. My DP does similar hours - out at 7.30, not home till 9.30 typically, 10 or even 11pm some days. He also often works weekends, and is on call. It sucks, and he doesn't even want to do it, but finds it hard to say no and set boundaries at work because he's a people pleaser and he's in a management role. I don't know what the answer is! I find there is a bit of a vicious circle with tiredness too, as he will stay up too late to try and unwind. So sympathies from me Thanks

(It isn't at all like being a single parent, I expect there'll be lots of posts soon telling you that rudely firmly).

Lurkedforever1 · 25/02/2016 20:19

Well put ihave.

PenelopeChipShop · 25/02/2016 20:47

I know what you mean, I'm in a similar boat - DH out from literally 6.30am to 8 or 9pm or even later in the week.

He doesn't even see our DS during the week and as well as having no back-up or cover for things like exercise classes in the week it takes DS and DH ages to sort of warm up to each other again at the weekend (he's only 3 and gets sulky about not having seen him) so it takes most of Saturday morning too before everyone's really relaxed.

I know it's contentious to compare yourself to a LP but I think what the OP is trying to say is that expectation doesn't match reality - it might look to everyone else as if she has that support that you imagine exists within a marriage but actually in reality it's often not there - it can be a lonely place to be.

ProcrastinatorGeneral · 25/02/2016 20:53

You have emotional support, which is the main thing a lot of lone parents suffer without.

You're not unreasonable to be unhappy, but foolish to think you're in the same boat as a lone parent.

I hope things improve for you soon :)

PaulAnkaTheDog · 25/02/2016 20:58

Some ridiculous responses here.

MrsAmaretto · 25/02/2016 21:05

Yup, it's shite. It's really tough being on your own all day and evening with no family and few friends.

Weekends or time when partner is off shift are usually spent trying to do family things so the kids have good family experiences.

I'd love to have just one to two hours in the evening a week just to go to an exercise class. I'd love to not have to meal plan, shop, do all the admin etc. etc. deal with meal tantrums every single day.

I think people also underestimate how utterly exhausted some paid jobs can be - after working 12hour night shifts for 3-4 weeks dh can not jump in and be the perfect picture book daddy or spouse!

YANBU

tupperwareAARGGH · 25/02/2016 21:11

I'm a single parent and work 12.5 hour shifts, ex has nothing to do with DS either so no help there. I have one income coming into my house and no-one else to help out to do the things that also need to be done to run a home. So when I'm actually not working and I'm with my child i have to do all the cooking, washing, shopping etc. You are by no means anywhere near being a single parent, not by a long shot.

Oh and at the end of my 12.5 hour shift I have to pick my child up and then drive home, he doesn't get to bed until 21:00 after being up since 05:45. I;m then on my own. What time do you kids go to bed and get up??? Are you on your own all night.

Ridiculous OP. Come was in my shoes and you won't complain so much about yours.

Nottodaythankyouorever · 25/02/2016 21:14

Some ridiculous responses here.

I agree.