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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel like a single parent?

88 replies

EustaceTheDragon · 25/02/2016 19:42

I'm being a hyperbolic here, to a point - obviously I don't have the crushing pressure that real lone parents have. My mother raised me on her own, so I have some idea of what it's really like.

However, DH recently changed jobs and is working much longer hours than before. We escaped to the North to be rid of London working hours, and it's just the same, only without our friends and comfortable surroundings.

He leaves for work about 7.30am, and here it is.. over 12 hours later, and he's not home. I'm getting fed up.

AIBU?

OP posts:

PaulAnkaTheDog · 25/02/2016 21:50

Good grief, so are we lone parents a protected group now? For pity's sake, a woman compared herself to a single parent in terms of being lonely. Shock horror! Disgraceful! She made no mention of finances, childcare etc. She just made a comparison to highlight how lonely she was feeling.

I despair when I read threads like this.

CultureSucksDownWords · 25/02/2016 21:50

Isn't it clear the OP wasn't in any way try to say her situation was worse or even the same as a lone parent? She isn't being unreasonable to be fed up with her situation, which is what she was asking about. Is it not possible to put aside your offense at her unfortunate reference to lone parents, and respond to her actual question?

RudeElf · 25/02/2016 21:52

I dont blame you for being fed up OP it sounds really lonely. Are school places on the horizon for DC? How long have you been there?

PaulAnkaTheDog · 25/02/2016 21:53

Quite frankly as a lone parent, the OP's post has made me feel more sympathetic towards her as I know how lonely I can feel sometimes. So I can empathise with her feelings.

Original poster

EustaceTheDragon · 25/02/2016 21:56

Hopefully they will be in school soon. I got an email today from the admissions team, but we applied for a Catholic school so I think there's another application process?

We are buying a house in a different area so wanted to wait a bit before committing to one school, adding to the delay. We've been here since end of December.

OP posts:

starry0ne · 25/02/2016 21:56

*I suppose I should have said I'm simply lonely and feel completely adrift right now. I've left my friends and community behind and live amongst strangers in an area I'm wholly unfamiliar with. We uprooted our entire lives for this job change, thinking it would be better than going for another London base job. The working hours are the same or longer, with the added bonus of not having any other emotional support to rely on.

We have five DC and they don't have a school place yet, so I have no headspace all day, every day. Dh and I speak in snatched conversations before I collapse in the evening.

Obviously my situation isn't like being completely on my own, and I shouldn't really compare (useless to do so), but I'm pretty fed up of it all.*

starry0ne · 25/02/2016 21:59

sorry pressed wrong button..If you said that you would of got a completely different response.

It isn't about what is worse..Been lonely 5 kids at home sounds exhausting.. Is your DH going to be on these hours long term.. You need to talk to him to find out how to make it work

RudeElf · 25/02/2016 21:59

Are you getting out of the house every day? Even if its just to the park or to the corner shop at a slow dawdle? Really helps me stave off the cabin fever (i'm off work due to an injury right now) if i can get outside for a bit every day.

LineyReborn · 25/02/2016 22:00

Five DC without school places since December - that is really serious. Have you asked for advice on the education boards? There are some posters over there who are really knowledgeable about school admissions and really helpful.

mommy2ash · 25/02/2016 22:05

If you aware of the reaction you will get by saying you feel like a lone parent why say it? Why compare your situation with one that is totally different? Why not just say I'm finding it hard to cope away from family support with a partner that works long hours? Surely that conveys your situation in a realistic and accurate manner and won't attract unwanted responses.

I never understand the need to compare the two. I could go on about how my life as an actual lone parent is but what is the point it has no bearing on your life at all. I would repost this looking for support for the situation you are in and I'm sure you will get advice from those who have faced similar issues

anotherdayanothersquabble · 25/02/2016 22:06

I am sorry it hasn't worked out as planned and I hope it gets better.

I remember saying, when I left London, I felt I left part of me behind and I completely understand (and can remember the drunk shouting match where I said) the feeling of having been completely abandoned in a new town while DH went off and had ready made social interaction in his new job.

(Wife in the North was written around the same time and I may have cried more than I would have done otherwise when reading it, especially as I didn't have her writing talent and connections to make myself special!)

It did all get better and I did make friends! And despite the sacrifices, it was the right move. Remember why you left, you will never have to go back to those downsides, remember why you choose your location and make the most of it (if it's the hours then do talk to your husband), and the good stuff about London is still there, just a train ride away!!

(9 years later I am still adrift in my third location trying to write myself a pep talk!!)

Original poster

EustaceTheDragon · 25/02/2016 22:07

We've home educated in the past, bit I don't want to anymore! We have been to a few home ed meetups in the area but we haven't really gelled with anyone. I feel we are in limbo of sorts, while we wait for the house sale to complete I don't want to settle in where we are now. (Different town to the house we're buying)

We have a national trust membership, go swimming and visit libraries. We aren't always at home but it's still very chaotic.

OP posts:

Original poster

EustaceTheDragon · 25/02/2016 22:09

mommy2ash I clearly wasn't thinking straight and am sorry to have offended.

OP posts:

ElizabethG81 · 25/02/2016 22:10

What personally gets my back up when this "I feel like a single parent" thread appears every other week is that it seems to some people like being a single parent is the worst possible fate, and that we are all sat at home feeling lonely. We're not a homogeneous group. Some are lonely, some are happy - probably the same as married/co-habiting people. The issues that the OP is experiencing are not at all related to being a single parent - they are relationship issues and I don't get why you can't just start a thread explaining the actual issue, rather than "I feel like a single parent, except I already know I'm not like one at all". "I feel like a single parent" seems to be the go to phrase for "I'm not happy with my life".

Original poster

EustaceTheDragon · 25/02/2016 22:12

I clearly should have. :(

OP posts:

mommy2ash · 25/02/2016 22:13

Op I reread my post and it sounded harsh when I meant it as a genuine suggestion to start a new thread to get responses to actually support you. The lp thing just derails the thread.

I would advise discussing how long this should continue with your dp

How old are the kids?

LineyReborn · 25/02/2016 22:13

Elizabeth, good point.

Original poster

EustaceTheDragon · 25/02/2016 22:16

12, 11, 9, 5, & 2.

Dh has insinuated that he expects it to continue for several more months.... At least when we move his commute will be less...

OP posts:

mommy2ash · 25/02/2016 22:20

Ok well at least there is some end in sight to the overly long hours. What do you do with the kids all day? Do you have any way of meeting other people where you live? Have the kids made friends?

Original poster

EustaceTheDragon · 25/02/2016 22:24

We go to church, but haven't made any friends yet. No clubs but that will change once they are settled in school, I think. We go out several times a week but no set routine. I think they are slightly down about things as well because getting them out the door is hard work some days.

It's all temporary. I'm just tired of waiting.

OP posts:

LineyReborn · 25/02/2016 22:24

Does the local authority know about your situation? I genuinely think the thought of your DCs being out of school from December till possibly June or July is quite worrying.

Have you rung the local schools yourself to ask about in-year admissions? I have had experience of this myself and the schools were very helpful.

Good luck - it sounds like have a lot on your plate.

ElizabethG81 · 25/02/2016 22:29

I think a big part of the issue here must be the lack of school places - 5 kids day in, day out would drive anyone crazy and, like you say, they're probably fed up about it too. I don't know much about it but, as someone else has suggested, could you maybe get some advice from the education board on here about how you can put the pressure on to get school places?

Original poster

EustaceTheDragon · 25/02/2016 22:29

Yes, they are processing the application now. :) I don't expect to have to wait that long, hopefully within the next week or two? I received an email from them today but as we applied to a Catholic school (primary and secondary) there is another application process or something.

I think I'll feel better once they are in school.

OP posts:

LineyReborn · 25/02/2016 22:32

That's good that things are in the pipeline, so to speak.

CakeNinja · 25/02/2016 22:35

Oh op
It sounds like hard work at the moment. Him insinuating it will be for a couple more months doesn't sound overly promising to me that it will end then. It may well continue.

You're in limbo and it must be exhausting.
I don't want to go into the LP comment because I feel it was a throwaway comment - it's not really comparable, I know LPs who have great support networks and live fulfilling lives aswell as people trapped in very unhappy lonely relationships.

You are feeling shit and low. I really hope things speed up with the house sale soon and you can get the DC sorted in schools asap. This will improve things all round.

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