To exclude my sisters married boyfriend

[possum18]

Just over a year ago my sister started sleeping with her much older boss, who was married to his pregnant wife (she was around 2/3 months pregnant when it started) whom he shared two other children with. Their affair came to light shortly before the third child was born and the wife was left to give birth and care for a new born and two young kids alone whilst my sister and her boyfriend went on holidays..etc.

My parents are very hurt by her actions and want nothing to do with her boyfriend, and have very little to do with my sister now.
They are moving in with one another this weekend, and all of a sudden my sister has become a lot more open about their relationship around me and our parents and has told us all that we are to be supportive and inclusive of her and her new life. She sent me a picture with herself and his children and captioned it 'happy families' and I didn't know what to say. I think what they did to his pregnant wife is disgusting.
I'm very heavily pregnant (and hormonal) and would like my sister to be involved in my life, but really want nothing to do with her boyfriend, who is still married.

My parents are trying keep civil as my very elderly grandparents would be devastated if they were ever to find out what my sister has been up to.

I don't want my sister to feel excluded but I don't know how to go about having her involved heavily in my life and new family whilst wanting nothing to do with her partner and his kids.

Any advise would be great fully received!!

OP Please bear in mind that the 'marries his mistress creates a vacancy' 'once a cheater always a cheater' trite phrases are not a guaranteed set of behaviours.
There are hundreds of thousands of very long and happy second marriages born from affairs . It's not nice, is really scummy way to begin, (the added pregnancy dimension to this set up is particularly upsetting) but nevertheless true.
More often than not, a relationship that has begun in this way, that has caused so much trauma and upset will end in marriage as soon as he is divorced. As well as the normal reasons for getting married, a couple who have caused this much upset will feel,the need to 'validate' there behaviour in the eyes of society. A sort of 'see it was all worth it, because this is true love' ...

I offer this advice OP, to help you understand that more than likely, this will not be a temporary fling.

Personally, I would assume he is part of your sisters life for the long term and proceed cautiously with a relationship with both of them and his children if you want a relationship with her and in all likelihood her children from this relationship in the future.

If one of my sisters was in this position I would make my feelings clear and move on

Whilst on the face of it it looks like he was just a shit, no-one has any idea what was going on his home and marriage.

Even if he was just a shit they are adults and it's not something I would lose my sister over. if they do end up staying together then he (and his children) will be part of your family whether you like it or not.

I'm surprised there is t any of the usual MN advice of - her life, not any of your business, cos at the end of the day, that's what it is.

People have affairs and cheat all the time. It's humanity, we are all bad and selfish to an extent.

And we don't know the mans side in all this.

We don't always approve of the choices other people make. I have struggled on and off with my sisters' choices of partners, although for different reasons. Unfortunately once they've made their choice you then have to either get on with things, be civil etc. or dig your heels in and risk losing the relationship you have with your sister. I have only just got back on track with my sister after two years of very little contact. I missed her hugely during this time and am only thankful our relationship was not irreparably damaged.

It's her life op. She may be making a dreadful mistake, it might work out well for her. Their actions were dreadful, but it was their choice and while you don't have to agree or approve, I do think you need to find a way to at least be civil with him.

The thing is, the more you are pushing away her from your family, the more she will cling to him. It's not right what she's doing but she's still your sister. Can't you simply accept it, invite him to occasions she'd be invited to anyway, be polite to him and see where it goes? Chances are, with his track record, she won't be last long and she will need someone to support her once she becomes another woman he ditched. And at least it won't break the family for ever.

IMO the "marry a mistress create a vacancy" line is not as true as people like to hope it is. I think that generally people like to say that "he'll do it to you as well," as a comeback to someone who is the other man/woman in a relationship which starts out as an affair.

I'd imagine we all actually know couples who started out as affairs and are still together years later. Yes some affairs don't last the distance, but some do.

And while it's all very well to say that someone would cut off a family member for being involved in an affair, in reality, if the family member stays with that partner, they go on to have a happy marriage with more children, they will have their relationship and the person who has cut them off is the one left with nothing. Because ultimately most people don't care a couple of years down the line how you got together.

I would certainly have made my feelings known especially as the man was TTC with his wife at the time they got together, and actually I think the sister's behaviour is worse than his on that score. Because what woman seriously shags a man who is knowingly still having sex with his wife in order to conceive another child? It's not even as if he can trot out the "the wife doesn't understand me and we haven't had sex for years," line is it? .

There is no doubt that both of their behaviours are reprehensible. But the fact is that they are now together, and may in fact stay that way. If they don't, then the op won't be in a position to give support to her sister if it all falls apart. But if they do, then she may be excluded from any relationship with her future nieces/nephews.

zippey what do we need to know of "the man's side" in this, other than he had a pregnant wife he cheated on? If any of the usual bullshit excuses cheating men trot out were true ("the marriage is all over in everything but the name", "we don't have sex any more" etc etc ad infinitum) then I'm pretty sure she would not be pregnant.

'People do get ridiculously hysterical about someone dumping one partner for another, which is just part of life.'

Oh you're just so cool and laidback.

Imagine getting your knickers in a flap because some guy had dumped his pregnant wife for another woman. No biggie. Just a part of life.

Is your sister absolutely sure that this man intended to leave his wife for her. Isn't it more likely that he intended to keep his family and continue to shag around (wouldn't be the first time a mm had done this), the wife found out and kicked him out, leaving your sister to get him by default?

If I was her, I would be wondering if I was his choice or his back up.

I think cliches exist about men who marry their mistresses creating a vacancy, because it often pans out that way. A man who has already cheated on one partner and left one family, won't baulk at doing it twice. People have affairs because they are chasing excitement and they feel entitled to do so. That sense of entitlement doesn't just disappear. Once the new woman becomes his routine, why wouldn't he be chasing the next thrill?

Too often people think they are Romeo and Juliet, when in reality they are not love's young dream, just sad and a bit skanky.

I agree already and I do think any bloke that knocks someone up and dumps them is a total tosser and not likely to be anybody's Prince Charming whatever the circumstances. It's callous to leave a pregnant wife and betrays that he didn't care about the effect of the stress on his unborn child.

I am a little bemused by all this judgment of your Dis and her other half by people who know nothing about the relationship he has left.
His ex might have been abusive, and it was only his relationship with your DSiS that gave him the confidence to leave.

I'm a little bemused by your flight of fancy maydancer.

She may also have been a lizard alien invader who was keeping him in the house against his will, stealing his sperm to create a human/lizard super race.

Bless you may. Yes it's really likely that he's a lovely bloke who has left his 3 kids including a newborn in the care of a nasty abuser. I bet he is all cut up about it and cant go on holiday sleep at night for fretting about his poor children.

Maybe the ex-w abused the 'D' H into the impregnation. Explanations like this shouts of stories men tell gullible young women. It also fits that he's gone for a younger woman for his escape hatch. If it walks like a duck...

Just a question but how does a man who is knowingly attempting to get his wife pregnant (given that he told his mistress he was ttc) somehow get abused into a pregnancy with the wife?

Is that even possible

For all of you who have sought to minimise the actions & the impacts of 2 selfish fuckers having an affair when DC are involved (for their own selfish and fucked up wants vs their RL children's needs), I suggest you check out THIS THREAD for a reality check about the trauma they are unleashing.

Possum I've only just seen this (the post below)

It's a really really good question, do you know the answer to it???

NNalreadyinuse 'Is your sister absolutely sure that this man intended to leave his wife for her? Isn't it more likely that he intended to keep his family and continue to shag around (wouldn't be the first time a mm had done this), the wife found out and kicked him out, leaving your sister to get him by default?'

'If I was her, I would be wondering if I was his choice or his back up'

As this - along with the normal reality that getting with that OW really does tend, in all of the situations I've known anyway, serve to create a vacancy fo the next OW - will help you understand where your DSis really does sit in all of this in terms of her future needs (IE likelihood of her being shat on too to put it bluntly) and how likely is it that she will be needing your support IYKWIM.

Lady I am glad you linked to that thread. I have commented on that thread with this one in mind. Was thinking of the happy family photo this OP's at best deluded and at worst utterly selfish sister, sent to the OP regarding her new man's children.

Lady him, wife and kids were living with wife's parents at the time. When they started seeing each other it was meant to be a bit of fun. It got more serious and he kept promising my sis he would leave the wife but was waiting for the right time (God knows when is the right time to leave pregnant wife - before or after the birth!?) and the marriage was already over and he would have left anyway. It took about 5 months for wife to get suspicious and when she did, he came clean and left. She filed for divorce in February, it keeps being delayed and still hasn't gone through.

Revolting behaviour from the pair of them. That pic with the "happy families" caption? How would his wife feel if she saw that?

I don't agree that you have to tolerate someone just because they're your family. She is expecting you to be ok with something disgusting that they both did and don't seem repentant over.

In your shoes I would tell her that she isn't the person I thought she was and I'm actually appalled by their behaviour. If you don't want anything to do with either of them, that's your call. I wouldn't blame you for it though.

I think it's nothing to do with you. She is your sister and can make her own choices. Yes, their behaviour was awful, but what's done is done and I think life is too short to hold a grudge especially when you are not even the aggrieved party.

Just put a brave face on, open your heart to her and get to know him. It looks like the relationship is serious. Don't lose your sister over this.

maydancer - but as I said earlier, while his wife might be abusive and he might have been looking for an excuse to exit a terrible situation, the fact that the OP's sister hasn't mentioned any of the supposed "wrong doing" on behalf of the wife during the marriage when defending their actions, while having been perfectly happy to slag off the exW for her behaviour after her husband left her, suggests that the OP's sister didn't know about any abuse. That might mitigate his behaviour, but doesn't justify the OP's sister's if she knew nothing about it. As far as she knew, he was someone who was happy enough in his marriage to be either planning for a 3rd DC with his wife, or just having lots of sex and DC3 was an accident (so not really suggesting things were on the rocks), and she chose to have an affair with him.

OP, I think that it is only am matter of time before your sister gets pregnant by this man.
I have to add that I think it is very likely he will be begging ex for a second chance, that seems to be the pattern in such circumstances.

Life isn't black and White. Just because his morals don't mirror yours does that mean you can't have a friendship with him. What they did is none of your business. Don't judge someone you don't know.

That said, I totally understand how you feel but if it were me I'd overlook the past and get to know him now. Everbody deserves a second chance.