To exclude my sisters married boyfriend

[possum18]

Just over a year ago my sister started sleeping with her much older boss, who was married to his pregnant wife (she was around 2/3 months pregnant when it started) whom he shared two other children with. Their affair came to light shortly before the third child was born and the wife was left to give birth and care for a new born and two young kids alone whilst my sister and her boyfriend went on holidays..etc.

My parents are very hurt by her actions and want nothing to do with her boyfriend, and have very little to do with my sister now.
They are moving in with one another this weekend, and all of a sudden my sister has become a lot more open about their relationship around me and our parents and has told us all that we are to be supportive and inclusive of her and her new life. She sent me a picture with herself and his children and captioned it 'happy families' and I didn't know what to say. I think what they did to his pregnant wife is disgusting.
I'm very heavily pregnant (and hormonal) and would like my sister to be involved in my life, but really want nothing to do with her boyfriend, who is still married.

My parents are trying keep civil as my very elderly grandparents would be devastated if they were ever to find out what my sister has been up to.

I don't want my sister to feel excluded but I don't know how to go about having her involved heavily in my life and new family whilst wanting nothing to do with her partner and his kids.

Any advise would be great fully received!!

'Do people really exclude family members when they do something they morally disapprove of? How serious does the moral infraction have to be?'

It would have to pretty bad, as in Fred West bad, for me to consign a sibling to the rubbish heap.

I don't think the sibling should be assigned to the rubbish heap, but nor is the OP obliged to open her home and her family to this 'relationship' in the immediate short term.

I agree. I certainly wouldn't be baking him cakes and inviting him over for drinks. I'd be coldly civil at best.

Yeah, I'd probably take some convincing that the new bf was a decent bloke myself. But at the same time I'd not go full scarlet letter on the sister or him, as many posters seem to advocate. Some modicum of tolerance has to come into it, particularly where family is concerned. Let he who is without sin cast the first stone and all that.

Yes its bad but they are now a proper couple. If you want a relationship with your sister accept him and his dcs.

ah OP - she's needy, and he fed that. I've met a few OWs who were very insecure and being chased made them feel irrisitable, and actually, the more the man was risking and giving up, the more they liked it as clearly they were "so attractive" that the MM 'couldn't resist'.

And at the moment, he's probably lavishing her with attention, he's got to buy into the 'destined to be together' because otherwise, he's thrown away a lot for nowt. It's all new and exciting, even though they've been sleeping together for a while, the relationship now has a new buzz feeling because they now can be together all the time... after things calm down, it might not last.

You might find if your Dsis has only been a big part of your life because she's needy, your relationship might have been about to massively change with you having twins and not being available to her. If she needs to 'take' from people, you won't have much to 'give', needing support, not able to help someone who needs supporting over the next few months.

I change my previous advice about talking to her about changing jobs, or even talking to her about it at all, if she craves attention, don't give her the attention she wants. Step back, be polite and refuse to feed the drama.

People do get ridiculously hysterical about someone dumping one partner for another, which is just part of life. Human beings are not property. And banishing a family member for something like this is worryingly excessive.
OP, it's understandable you might want to take a step back as you have enough to contend with - and it's actually quite likely your sister will be consumed with her new relationship anyway and stay out of your way. Just let her get on with it and look after yourself and your babies.

Is it important to you to be part of your sisters life?
Tbh nobody's perfect. Where do you draw the line? It's exhausting to think of. Shit happens. You have no loyalty to the ex wife, you love your sister, you've made it clear you don't approve, move forwards.

It's not just about dumping one partner for another though, it's all the stuff that goes along with it. The gaslighting of a suspicious spouse, spending family money on the OW, putting his pregnant wife at risk of STIs, giving his wife grief for wanting privacy at the hospital, sodding of on holiday whilst his post natal, heartbroken wife is left to wrangle three children alone.

This happened to ny family. My friend's mum went off with her married boss while his wife was pregnant with their IVF twins.

It was awkward for years because my mum didn't want them both over as a couple but kind of felt we had to for parties. He was a tosser.

Found out last month he's cheated on friend's mum with a new chick.

Be kind to your sister. She'll need you when he cheats on her. It's only a matter of time.

Just because she says you need to accept him, doesn't mean that you do. You could adopt civil but not overly friendly. I adopted that attitude when a family member did similar. I was there for her as a friend but I didn't listen to her badmouth his wife or defend him. I told her upfront how I felt and told her I wouldn't keep going on about how I felt about it but I wouldn't listen to her rubbishing his wife just to excuse his shitty actions and her defensiveness.

We did talk about him, just as we would any other boyfriend she had, but she knew not to bullshit, rewrite history and try and excuse because I wasn't interested in that rubbish. It worked, things were civil, we all went out in the same friends groups as others adopted the same attitude and caught up at family events. I had no intention of getting close to him though so unlike with her later boyfriends, there was no dinner and drinks as a double date or close catchups with the both of them.

I was also there for her when he unsurprisingly cheated on her and used the same rubbish he'd used about his ex wife to explain why he cheated on her.

People get ridiculously hysterical about one partner dumping for another?

Solid, it's human to get very upset when you are betrayed, lied to, your family is broken up and often you after left high and dry financially.

So erm yes, people do get upset, hysterical even.

Has it ever happened to you, Solid?

I think your sister is a nasty cow to be showing around pictures of her 'happy' family which include the 6? month old child of the married man she was shagging.

How the fuck do the DC feel having their shit of a father playing happy families so soon.

Selfish pair.

Thanks again for your varied responses it's really helpful to see different perspectives. She messaged me this evening all excited about her house move and said I need to go over soon for dinner and to see it - I replied and said it would be nice to have a girly sister evening and a chance to spend some time just as sisters before the twins arrive. She didn't reply but hopefully she read between the lines a little but appreciates I still want to be nice and sisterly.

Sis sounds silly, immature and self absorbed.

I would keep the door open, but be honest about your feelings (both with her and yourself) and set boundaries you feel comfortable with. If you have to meet him (you may at some point) be civil but cool.

I had to deal with a similar situation when a long standing friend got together with a man whose partner had a young child. It was very difficult and really tested our friendship. Unsurprisingly, it all went horribly wrong and I suspect the same thing will probably happen here.

Sometimes nice people do shitty things and shitty people do nice things. This could be the best thing for everyone (although the stress and pain the wife went through is really not on). I'd be accepting them and being civil and welcoming the children (none of this is their fault after all). The reasons I would do this are twofold - 1) compassion and kindness is good for everyone and 2) when it inevitably falls apart your sister won't be alienated and will be able to rely on family support.

This isn't an easy option as I completely understand the disgust you feel (I would feel it to!)

SGB yes of course people get ridiculously hysterical about dumping a spouse. Because it is not consented to by the dumped party. Both consented to be together until "death do us part" ?!?! It's not ok to shit all over someone's life plans which you jointly made with them just because you fancy fucking a colleague. If you want to live the life where you can fuck whoever you fancy, then you need to actually be single. Isn't that obvious/basic decency?

We've had the very same thing happen in our family although not a close relative. Both are attention seekers; oblivious to the fact they have done anything wrong and very false with their full on mateyness to everyone they meet.
Tried very hard to be civil to them at a recent family gathering, what do you say to such people.?
You know it is only a matter of time before they break up, like a previous poster said; the novelty will soon wear off before she seeks a new trophy boyfriend.

Aargh, I'm not surprised the wife delayed telling him about the new baby - it sounds as if the moment he turned up your sister would be stealing* that lovely little newborn and trying to pretend it was her own! Forget all the 'my MIL wants to hold my baby too much' threads, how did your sister not get punched by the mother when she tried that?

*yes, giving it back later, but still.

If I do something shitty to another human being I would be surprised if the people who cared about me didn't make it damn clear I had or still was being shitty.

I would expect this to last as long as my shittyness did or for a reasonable time period after.

I would be suitably accepting of this understandable expressing and if I was not I would clearly still be acting like a twat with no self awareness so would address that.

You sound like you've struck a good balance, OP. You're staying in contact with the sister but making it clear in a non-shouty way that you have no interest in getting to know her new man.

Sure, this could be read as excusing her and not him but at the end of the day she's a relative and he isn't. Close relatives get an extra helping of forgiveness for stupid decisions. To him, on the other hand, you owe nothing

I can't see that he is the baddy whilst she isn't???

They both knew what they are doing.

But what surprises me most is that the DSis has taken on the role of supporting adult for 3 DCs including a baby, and this isn't coming into the equation at all.
If it was my DSis I would be OMG the poor DCs, and would be attempting to support the DSis and her DP in providing a caring environment for the poor kids.
It's as if a happy family photo is relative - no that is a few hours out of their lives, what about the other 3.5 days of 50:50 care her new DP should be providing for them?
Her blissful love nest might feel a bit crowded if they shape up and do their share of the child rearing.

People do get ridiculously hysterical about someone dumping one partner for another

Nonsense. It's about behaving like a total wanker/bitch with no regard whatsoever for another person. Behaviour like that is not part of life. Decent people do not behave like that. Leaving a relationship is one thing. Shagging someone whilst TTC a baby with your partner or whilst knowing the person you are shagging is TTC with their partner is something else. Hell, even shagging someone when both parties are aware the other is married is something else. I would struggle to be anything other than superficially civil to anyone who did that and it would change my view of them permanently.

SGB - I think it's one thing to: break up with your partner, even if they are very pregnant at the time - and then after you've moved out etc. to form a new relationship.
It's quite another to start sleeping with someone else whilst still with your original partner, and not to talk to them but allow them to "find out". (And this means if you have mutually agreed to a polyamorous relationship, that is quite a different situation, and wouldn't lead to the fall out in this circumstances.)

OP - I have no good advice. It is highly likely that your sister is going to be hurt by him in the future, and how much you want (or will have the energy) to be involved in her dramas is for you to decide.
I'd probably be polite, but not get too involved. So meet up for the big family events, be nice to his kids and polite to him, but not much more.

I don't agree that she is as much to blame as he is