To exclude my sisters married boyfriend

[possum18]

Just over a year ago my sister started sleeping with her much older boss, who was married to his pregnant wife (she was around 2/3 months pregnant when it started) whom he shared two other children with. Their affair came to light shortly before the third child was born and the wife was left to give birth and care for a new born and two young kids alone whilst my sister and her boyfriend went on holidays..etc.

My parents are very hurt by her actions and want nothing to do with her boyfriend, and have very little to do with my sister now.
They are moving in with one another this weekend, and all of a sudden my sister has become a lot more open about their relationship around me and our parents and has told us all that we are to be supportive and inclusive of her and her new life. She sent me a picture with herself and his children and captioned it 'happy families' and I didn't know what to say. I think what they did to his pregnant wife is disgusting.
I'm very heavily pregnant (and hormonal) and would like my sister to be involved in my life, but really want nothing to do with her boyfriend, who is still married.

My parents are trying keep civil as my very elderly grandparents would be devastated if they were ever to find out what my sister has been up to.

I don't want my sister to feel excluded but I don't know how to go about having her involved heavily in my life and new family whilst wanting nothing to do with her partner and his kids.

Any advise would be great fully received!!

Are you planning on excluding him forever? Whether you like it or not they're together.

People get together in unfortunate circumstances at times but that's life. If you're going to exclude him I think you'd risk losing your relationship with your sister.

I think it took your sister and her boyfriend to start the affair, to exclude him for being married still but not exclude your sister for sleeping with a married man doesn't make much sense.

I would probably say something along the lines

"As a pregnant woman myself, I find what both of you did absoloutley deplorable. You are my sister, and as such, I will always be there for you. However I cannot support this relationship, nor do I have to like your boyfriend. I wish you both the best of luck in your relationship, and genuinely hope it is worth the damage left behind. If you fancy a meet up for a cup of tea, let me know, but please lets keep to the just the girls".

SolidGoldBrass - you might be right, however, in my experience, OWs who "win" the married man are very quick to mention any failings the ExW has/had in order to justify their position and behaviour. As the DP's sister hasn't said anything of the sort, if the exW is abusive, I'd assume the sister knows nothing about it.

So while that might "justify" his behaviour, it doesn't make hers any less unacceptable. She took the decision to have sex with a man who she knew to be married, with 2 children, who's wife was pregnant with the 3rd child (so hardly a 'sexless marriage'), and then encourage him to leave just at the point of pregnancy his wife would need support the most (both physically and emotionally).

That being the case OP, you really can't trust your sister. She's clearly very selfish and you are about to go through a very tough time, I wouldn't be inviting her into my life much either, let alone him. Keep them both at arms length until you are feeling settled and strong. (there's a good chance it won't work out between them either, and you just don't need that sort of self-indulgent dramatic shit when you've got newborn twins, let her whinge to her other friends, assuming she's still got some and they haven't all given up on the drama)

Think my family would do what whatevva family did and be very polite.

I wouldn't be a sounding broad for your DSis venting about wife - I'd change the subject or say that you think she is being unreasonable there - perhaps say having been pg you have more sympathy and understanding around births than her.

I think family events - big get together it would be hard not to invite her new partner.

Could be worse I know one family who had real problems as it was their DS who cheated and then moved in with new girl. It was hard as they had a long history with ex wife and two grandchildren - new girl got pg - new girl wouldn't let the son or their child come if ex or he children was invited to family events. Keeping everyone happy there was impossible and dragged whole extended family into rows - they often ended up having two events.

oh sorry, to answer your main question - just don't have her heavily involved in your life, certainly not over the next year until her life has settled down. Some families are close, others aren't.

Although I might be advising her to look for a new job now - while she's not been fired and made to look for a new job and her boyfriend/boss will give her a decent reference. Longer term, if it doesn't work out, then it'll be akward to be working together, and if it does work out between them, it'll be tough going working and living together, plus her career will stall being the boss' girlfriend.

I love my sisters very much but if I were to discover that one of them had started a relationship with a man with two children and a pregnant wife I would realise that they were not the person I thought they were. We are all weak and human but to me that is almost unforgiveable. Such a vile thing to do.

OP my sister did something very similar, and the woman whose boyfriend she stole is my colleague, which made it extra hard.

Sister got pregnant, which changed things. She now has a 2yo son with this guy and by default he is now accepted into the family.

I completely understand how hurtful it can be to have a family member who is so rotten and remorseless (sister was married at the time too, and her other kids have suffered immensely). It's hard to include people and pretend like all is lovely and rosy. And like your sister, mine expected instant approval from us all and she threw tremendous strops when it didn't happen.

She's been with her BF for nearly 3 years now and we are starting to get to know him (he's not a patch on her husband, who we all miss dearly). People are right, she is still your sister, but it's not unreasonable for you to feel hurt by her actions. Take your time, don't meet him until you're ready, but be prepared that this relationship may last a very long time

This is exactly what happened with my sister. Her boyfriends' wife was pregnant with their fifth child at the time!

I do not agree with affairs (seen to many peoples lives devastated as a result-usually the poor children) and my parents, my husband and I didn't (and still don't) approve of what they had done but it was my sisters life and we all love her so we had to let them live their lives and have never excluded the boyfriend and have grown to like him.

Roll on 10 years and they are still together, it has been a rocky road and the ex-wife still hates my sister with a vengeance!

However, there are ALWAYS casualties as a result of affairs and the fallout has only just started. My sisters 'stepkids' are all in their early and late teens and are very angry fucked up kids and are starting to give my sister and boyfriend ALOT of stress.

Hope your sister's relationship is strong enough to withstand all the crap which will come her way cause I really don't know how my sister has put up with all that has come her way :(

I'd have thought you'd be to busy with your twins to be heavily involved in the your sister's drama.

If you do christenings I suspect it would be hard not to have the man there - but with two families cooing over babies means big crowd so being polite but busy even there should carry you through.

Interestingly teatowel one of my friends said to me that if I could have an affair I was not the person they thought I was.

I would maintain I'm exactly the same person, who did something morally wrong. I am no less a supportive friend, loving mother/daughter, good colleague than I was. My guilt lies with the pain I caused his EXW and DSC, not with what anyone else thinks.

I think if it were my sister, I would tell her I love her, but at the moment I cannot just ignore what's happened, and I am entitled to my own opinion, and she can't tell me how I should feel.

Say at the moment you are struggling, and that while you will support her, you need time and hope she understands why.

It's a very difficult situation and you are entitled to feel how you want too

Actually I round want to be in her life because I suspect that she might need you a few years down the line when/if he is doing the same to her than he did to his wife (or stbxw).

I would suspect that she might need support and guidance re this whole'im not divorced yet' which could also be the sign of something fishy going on.

So yes at some point, if you want her in your life, you will have to accept him.

One thing though. Please don't make HIS children feel unwelcome when you see them.

As someone who was cheated on while pregnant, I'd never speak to her again and I certainly wouldn't want a scummy bitch like that around my child.

Just came to say that when a man marries his mistress, it creates a vacancy.

My DBro had an affair when married eventually leaving his wife for OW. No kids involved but it was someone he worked with so the company transferred him from the South East first to Wales then to Scotland and she went with him. Our family were very supportive of wife No 1 and my DP's did a lot to help her.
Eventually he married OW and went on to have Dc's, but he is on wife No 3 now.
In each case we gave time for the dust to settle and have been nothing but pleasant and polite to each of his "partners"
( incidentally they are all extremely nice women who are far to good for him!)

My Advice give it time and see "how the wind blows"

Thank you for all your replies, in terms of his kids, I'd never be anything but nice to them if I was to meet them, I just don't agree with my sister playing house with them and sending out happy family selfies playing the doting step mum - I especially find it a little weird with the youngest baby. But nevertheless I'd prefer her over playing it like this than not being nice to them - as others have rightly said they are innocent in all this and making it as easy for them as possible is a priority!
I think all of your points are very valid and I'm going to continue to have a relationship with my sister albeit not as involved as we were previously. If and when she tries jamming her new family life down my throat j will explain my feelings as and when I feel it's needed and I guess deal with situations where I may have to see her Boyfriend as and when they occur!

SolidGoldBrass Thu 25-Feb-16 14:01:42

'You're all very quick to take the side of the 'poor' deserted wife here. Maybe your sister's new partner put up with years of emotional or even physical abuse from his wife before starting a new relationship gave him the strength to leave. It may not be likely, but that doesn't make it impossible: women are just as capable of coercive control as men are.'

'And if the dumped wife had been horrible to the children as well, that might explain the sister's 'happy family' remark.'

Solid the amount of - incidentally, patently just bollocks in the contents dept. - bile and contempt (in term of tone) in your post above leads one inevitably to a very obvious conclusion.

So, do tell us, was/is it just the one MM you've been with or more than one?

And yes, that coercive witch, forcing herself upon him to create their 3rd child together, and relishing in the joy of being alone in the maternity ward. And not to forget how appalling she was to their children as well - to the point that he ran away on holiday to court to seek residency of them.

Noooooooo, no reason at ALL for any of to think 'shit, that poor woman'

If she were any sort of decent sister possum, she'd be more concerned about helping you out with newborn twins than her own fake family. Good luck with it all

Having been that pregnant wife with two small children, I would be unable to have any more to do with anyone who helped do that to another woman.

Ditto

If she were any sort of decent sister possum you don't know this.

You just know she is currently behaving in a self absorbed fashion. I think writing off a whole sibling relationship on the basis of a short time period may be a mistake. But I don't have siblings, so what do I know!?

They have both behaved appallingly.

The fact that she is your sister doesn't change the awfulness of her behavior. Loyalty does not, in my book, extend this far.

You have your own standards to maintain, you set out your own stall in terms of what you're willing to accept and not accept. I wouldn't want my kids to know, down the line when they look at my wedding photos, that that was when Aunty x was sleeping with a married man, and you're all standing there smiling into the camera.

Personally, I would not invite either of them to my wedding. Inviting just her is sheer hypocrisy. It also makes a mockery of your wedding (oh the irony). Further it sends the message that you forgive her enough to want her around at this happy time. And how awkward for all your other guests who know, too.

I just couldn't do it. It's only a wedding she is missing out on. She will get over it (and frankly there are far more things she will need to get over by the time all is said and done). It's all of her own doing. Our actions have consequences, and this would be one of them for me.

Your sister's bf is an absolute shit.

Your sister is a shit too, I'm afraid, for participating in that deceit and betrayal.

However, she's your sister. and when this bloke shits on her (and he will) with another woman, she's going to need you around.

Whilst their behaviour has been completely immoral, as PPs have said, this man may be involved in your sister's life for years and years to come. This man may become the father of your nieces and nephews. Any action you take now may put your future relationship with her at risk.

I'd put my family first and make an effort with both my sister and her partner. If you express your disapproval, do so once and strongly but don't continually beat her up about it.

(I wonder how old she is, the sister? I did stupid things in my early 20s that I was able to justify but now look back in absolute horror. I'm glad my friends and family didn't abandon me).

I would not be doing anythibg to give them the impression that I recognise their relationship as legitimate. Utterly shitty behaviour on both their parts. I adore my sister but if she did this, she would most definitely feel the full force of my disapproval. The 'happy family' photo is shocking - the only happy people are the selfish two who are having this affair. I very much doubt if the wife and kids are happy. I would struggle to have anything to do with either of them tbh.