To exclude my sisters married boyfriend

[possum18]

Just over a year ago my sister started sleeping with her much older boss, who was married to his pregnant wife (she was around 2/3 months pregnant when it started) whom he shared two other children with. Their affair came to light shortly before the third child was born and the wife was left to give birth and care for a new born and two young kids alone whilst my sister and her boyfriend went on holidays..etc.

My parents are very hurt by her actions and want nothing to do with her boyfriend, and have very little to do with my sister now.
They are moving in with one another this weekend, and all of a sudden my sister has become a lot more open about their relationship around me and our parents and has told us all that we are to be supportive and inclusive of her and her new life. She sent me a picture with herself and his children and captioned it 'happy families' and I didn't know what to say. I think what they did to his pregnant wife is disgusting.
I'm very heavily pregnant (and hormonal) and would like my sister to be involved in my life, but really want nothing to do with her boyfriend, who is still married.

My parents are trying keep civil as my very elderly grandparents would be devastated if they were ever to find out what my sister has been up to.

I don't want my sister to feel excluded but I don't know how to go about having her involved heavily in my life and new family whilst wanting nothing to do with her partner and his kids.

Any advise would be great fully received!!

I know she's your sister but I could not approve of what she did - she went after a married man who had a pregnant wife. He is despicable but she is also. As for her photo with the happy families caption- what an insensitive bitch.

I would be perfectly friendly. I would sit round the dinner table with them and, in front of everyone, would include him from the outset by showing genuine interest!

Along the lines of ...

"DSis hasn't really told us much about you, 'BawBag', and I, of course, am much more traditional than she is and don't really understand these modern lifestyles..." "... so do tell me, do you habitually have two women on the go at once, or would you more usually prefer to have a break between them?"

Seriously though, in all likelihood it is this man's poor ex-wife who will turn out to be the one who has had the lucky break. He is neither a catch nor a keeper.

However, your sister is a complete and utter bitch for sending you the captioned photograph. Her partner's baby (with his then-wife) is less than a year old and your sister is declaring 'happy families'!

My ex cheated on me and left me just before our wedding. When he started introducing his new girlfriend a few weeks later his mother told them she was pretty disgusted at how they'd got together, but would try and put it behind her and make an effort. Later when they got engaged the girls mother had a go at my ex's mum for having said that, and even now, a decade on, the girl and her mother hate my ex's and take every opportunity to have a snide dig at her. So I wouldn't say anything but I would take a step back from her for a while, you have the perfect excuse being so pregnant and will too as a new mum.

It's up to you what you do of course. But if they are moving in together then he must have left his wife. So in that case excluding him from things would not seem the right thing to do. I think fair enough to exclude him while he was still living with his wife. I agree that your sister has behaved just as badly as he has so if you disapprove strongly exclude both of them.

Or, of course, you could bide your time and simply send her a photo of you and your DH with your new babies and caption it "this is a real happy family".

I would be perfectly friendly. I would sit round the dinner table with them and, in front of everyone, would include him from the outset by showing genuine interest!

Be polite, ask him how his children are getting on at school/nursery, the same you would of any father

You're all very quick to take the side of the 'poor' deserted wife here. Maybe your sister's new partner put up with years of emotional or even physical abuse from his wife before starting a new relationship gave him the strength to leave. It may not be likely, but that doesn't make it impossible: women are just as capable of coercive control as men are.

And if the dumped wife had been horrible to the children as well, that might explain the sister's 'happy family' remark.

I'd definitely step back for a while.

Yeah Solid, maybe that's what happened......

I'm probably not going to be crying for the bastard who abandoned his heavily pregnant wife SGB...

Sorry but I don't think it is your place to judge.You don't know what went on inside his marriage.There are 2 sides to every story and you don't even really know one!

Your sister would not be well advised not to send inflammatory posts like the 'happy families' one.i agree with you there. u

solid yes, he'd clearly been unhappy enough to be having unprotected sex with her. That tricksy woman, getting herself all knocked up like that.

X post with SGB

SolidGoldBrass that's a very good point, the wife hasn't overly been discussed but I know they were actively trying to get pregnant before the affair started so I'd assumed possibly wrongly that things weren't awful between them.
She didn't tell him that the baby had been born for a few days after she had him as she didn't want him turning up at the hospital - and my sister made her out to be the worst person in the world for not letting a new father know his son had been born, but tbh I'd probably do the same!

"I'm only a few weeks away from my twins being born, about the same as when his wife found out about the affair"

I'm sorry possum. I missed this earlier (otherwise probably wouldn't have been so flippant).

I still think he is lower than the shit on the shoe of an amoeba and, for whatever reason, your sister is currently displaying no empathy with anyone other than herself.

I therefore think that (for the time being anyway) you should tell your sister to back off. That it is totally reasonable to want the last few days of your pregnancy to be stress free and the birth of your twins to be nothing but a joyous occasion and that you therefore don't want to be involved in her new relationship, in any way, at this time.

I think is would be utterly intolerable for you, for example, to have this man show up with your sister to visit your newborns (and the irony of it, given that he chose to dump his wife leaving her to have their newborn alone!).

I am a bit by the statement from some that you shouldn't want to include him and "his kids." Let's face it, while he (and op's sister) have done something pretty despicable, it's also worth bearing in mind here that there are three innocent children in this relationship who didn't ask to be held responsible for the actions of their father and his OW.

If you disapprove so strongly then it has to be all or nothing IMO. Either you cut your sister out and have nothing to do with either of them, in which case you run the risk that if they do stay together and have children together you will not be a part of their lives, or you accept that they are now legitimately together and make the effort to get to know him, and most importantly of all, welcome his children into your family. They haven't done anything wrong.

Yeah Solid, she was so nasty that he left her alone with the children and jetted off on holidays with his girlfriend.

Nooo please don't apologise I agree I am being judgey. Just unsure what the best course of action is from here, all opinions are really welcomed and I'm really happy to hear different views

At some point your sister may have children with this man, and at that point he may flee, suspect your sister will need or ask for your support.

Your poor sister is in for a crap time imo. Who would trust this man? Love can be truly blind and rather stupid.

She's your sister. You love her. She's made shocking choices which I feel will come back to haunt her. Be there for her when it does. A fool of a man has wooed her and like many young women she fell for it. Sadly he'll move on eventually and it will be left to her family to look after her.

It's very hard. Families are like soap operas. Mine currently is like a Jeremy Kyle story. It involves babies and affairs and all sorts. I feel your angst OP I truly do. Be civil to him when needs must. Be normal with your sister, listen to her and carry on your relationship. She'll need you eventually.

It depends on whether you can or want to maintain a relationship with your sister.

I've been in the position of being in a relationship that started as an affair. Some of my family and friends were supportive but worried/disapproving, some were horrified and judgemental, none of them broke contact with me. We are a long way down the line, now married and with a child of our own. We have a very close circle of family and friends. His ex still understandably hates us. And I'd say we had a good outcome. Your sister may well be heading for a train wreck, the stats of this working are really not high.

I think it is completely fine to say to your sister that you disapprove of what she has done but you want to maintain your relationship with her. Ask her to be more sensitive about her attitude. If she loves you and wants your support she should be ok with you being honest with her.

Having been that pregnant wife with two small children, I would be unable to have any more to do with anyone who helped do that to another woman.

I don't know about this one. I agree your sister has made some poor choices in terms of her relationship but I couldn't cut her off (similar situation with my sister a few years ago). I wouldn't make any effort to get to know the boyfriend but I wouldn't go out of my way to get to know him either. You never know, they might split up and you presumably still want to be there for your sister if that happens.

My sister married the boyfriend I really didn't like and over the last ten years he's turned out to be a really lovely guy. I'm not saying at all that will happen with your sister (cheaters aren't known for changing their spots) but it is possible to disapprove of her actions without disowning her.

I'm so sorry SoupDragon, and if this post has brought up bad memories for you I apologise. This is what tears me up with the situation that anyone could treat another person so poorly, especially their wife and mother of their children. Thanks for input