To exclude my sisters married boyfriend

[possum18]

Just over a year ago my sister started sleeping with her much older boss, who was married to his pregnant wife (she was around 2/3 months pregnant when it started) whom he shared two other children with. Their affair came to light shortly before the third child was born and the wife was left to give birth and care for a new born and two young kids alone whilst my sister and her boyfriend went on holidays..etc.

My parents are very hurt by her actions and want nothing to do with her boyfriend, and have very little to do with my sister now.
They are moving in with one another this weekend, and all of a sudden my sister has become a lot more open about their relationship around me and our parents and has told us all that we are to be supportive and inclusive of her and her new life. She sent me a picture with herself and his children and captioned it 'happy families' and I didn't know what to say. I think what they did to his pregnant wife is disgusting.
I'm very heavily pregnant (and hormonal) and would like my sister to be involved in my life, but really want nothing to do with her boyfriend, who is still married.

My parents are trying keep civil as my very elderly grandparents would be devastated if they were ever to find out what my sister has been up to.

I don't want my sister to feel excluded but I don't know how to go about having her involved heavily in my life and new family whilst wanting nothing to do with her partner and his kids.

Any advise would be great fully received!!

My sister knew they were trying for a baby for a while and knew they were expecting before they got together. In terms of my plans for visitors at the hospital after I have the babies, I have told her that out of respect for keeping a calm environment for everyone (especially my dad) I only want immediate family visiting.

Better make sure she is clear that her brand new 'family' is not immediate family in that case possum

I can see someone that is daft enough to send around a picture of her happy family might think they are now immediate family

My sister knew they were trying for a baby for a while and knew they were expecting before they got together.

Wow

but I just can't accept what they've done

Then don't, because it really is okay not to. As painful as it may be.

You're sister made a decision that changed the course of a lot of lives around her. She now has to live it and you do not have to have anything to do with the bloke, or her, if she forces that choice on you.

As for her picture with the 'happy families' caption. I think you should take heart from the fact she is a hard nosed cow and will be ok in life without you if it ever does come to you and her and a parting of the ways.

HooseRice - if he's the sort to cheat again (probably when the OP's sister stops being forbidden fruit and starts being the 'drudge' at home), then he'll do that with the next woman he has chance with, possibly a new recruit in the office anyway, at that point, she'll lose her job and home if she kicks off, much better to get a new job now!

OP - I really would be recommending she gets a new job - frame it as "if you want to be taken seriously as a couple, you never will be while you are still viewed as the 'office affair'. You're much more likely to be seen as a proper couple if you start again at a new job where they don't know your relationship baggage and he's just your boyfriend, he's senior and a man so the negatives of having a relationship at work won't hit his career as hard." At least if you push her towards a new job, she's protected somewhat if he decides he doesn't want to be with her after all, it's 'only' her home she'd stand to lose if he moves on/decides to make a go of it with his wife.

possum you don't have to apologise to me at all. I'm sorry that someone else is going through the exact same thing.

IMO there is never a good enough excuse.

I don't know what I would do if it hadn't happened to me. I know that certain events (completely different to these ones) have changed the way I see one of my siblings but I do ignore this for the sake of family harmony - it helps that there is not another person involved that I have to interact with at the same time IYSWIM so there is no need to broach it. Sibling knows that I know but doesn't know how I feel about it.

I would be appalled by my sister's behaviour and would probably go no contact. I certainly would have no truck with her married man.
You reap what you sow.

oh your idea for the hospital is a good plan (my DB hasn't visited me in hospital either time I've had my DCs, and both I was in for a few days crap at having babies so if you didn't want her there either, it wouldn't be strange), it might be better to hide her FB posts and just ignore the attention seeking a bit. In 6 months time you'll have a better idea of if it'll work out for them or not, they'll be past the "we are such star crossed lovers!" stage and either have moved onto dull normality, or will be really annoyed at each other and be about ready to split up. (Particularly if they are both quite selfish people)

It's not just about how they've behaved towards the stb ex-wife but most importantly what they have knowingly and willingly put his children through. And it seems at least from the sister's part, she is still as thoughtless as when she chose to start the affair with the married man. That's something I couldn't get over, no matter how thick blood is. How can you associate yourself with someone who treats poor kids in such an inconsiderate manner?

I have disowned family for less vile things than your sister has done, no way would I be complicit in it by continuing to play happy families with her and him..

Your sister's behaviour in the aftermath of the affair is awful. If she showed some contrition for the hurt she had caused then maybe I could think about rebuilding a relationship with her. But jetting off on holidays whilst his post natal wife is left to deal with 3 kids, posting happy family pictures, and having the gall to criticise how his wife chose to deal with the birth? I know she is your sister but she doesn't sound like a very nice person.

My sister knew they were trying for a baby for a while and knew they were expecting before they got together.

Holy fuck.

OP Have you asked your DS why she wanted to get together with a bloke she knew had been actively trying to have another child with his wife?

Leaving any kind of morality vis her behaviour out of it (accepting that that is a VERY big 'leave-out'!), what in Gods name does she think any bloke who could behave that way is one worth having?

I think it's pretty unanimous that he is a c&*t of the highest order; likewise that her behaviour - knowing what she knew - is also pretty dubious, but just for herself, how on earth could she even want that? And what makes her so blind that he will do the same to her in a heartbeat?

OP What kind of conversations have you had with her - or have you not even discussed the kind of things that are above? What does she say in response to them? #amtrulybaffledhere

I agree with stiched it's the 'I've done nothing wrong lack of compassion and rubbing the ex-w's nose in it that I would struggle with wrt my sister. Yes people fall out and in of love, but being a decent person doesn't involve pushing acceptance down other people's throats when you've been involved in ripping a family apart, even if everyone accepted it was inevitably a failing relationship which is a big IF.

I would not approve of anyone behaving like your sister and his her boyfriend. I think I would keep seeing her and tell her how I felt. In time if their relationship is good, you may find it easier to accept her boyfriend.

I do agree though your dsis sounds naive, and it's possibly having no dc she doesn't understand the scale of oh's crime, or the prize she's won - she may need you to turn to at some point.

This will sound mean, but probably give a better understanding of why she is in the relationship.
She has always been a needy person and in need of constant attention, when she isn't in a relationship she has to pop over every day or go out for dinner with one of our friends, her last relationship didn't offer her the level of attention she craves and this man gave her the attention she desired, she's a lot younger than him and an attractive girl and he paid her a lot of attention and likes to 'show her off'.

Also sorry to drip feed, I didn't want to include too much info incase his poor wife is on here and recognised details iyswim.

I've not had a lot of direct conversations with her about it because I get quite upset.
Before the affair started she showed me messages he had sent her and told me he was Pursuing her and I told her how sick I found it. I also worked for the company at the time and was aware of his wife being pregnant. I told her that if the marriage was 'already over' as she put it - then she should wait until they are at least legally separated and not living together before even considering anything. She told me she wouldn't do anything unless he left his wife and the marriage was officially over. It wasn't for a few months that I found out they had been shagging and he was still married and living with his wife who remained oblivious to the whole thing.

She needs therapy.

I think you can say to her - what you've done here is pretty awful, and that because you are so close to giving birth you cannot get past imagining how upset the wife must be, and that therefore you find it impossible to support her new relationship.

Tell her that your own peace of mind, and your new babies are your focus, and that if she and this guy are really committed then they will understand that and not try and force the issue with you now.

She (and he) have behaved awfully, and IMO deserve social condemnation for their actions.

Yeah I think she does need some therapy too, I would give it time Op, the bloke obviously has no ability to weather anything like 'real' life and it'll be hard for him to maintain his level of attention once the novelty wears off.

I would give sister a piece of my mind and refuse to invite the OM to anything.

Her part is every bit as reprehensible as his but I believe including family should carry on unless they do something truly unforgivable. This is repellent but not unforgivable. That in no way obliges you to include the piece of shit she has been messing around with though.

What do,your envisage in your future, your sister part of it, or not at all.

If you want your sister in your life, I think,you will have to accept the situation, however untastful that it is, and include the boyfriend also. They have been together for a year now, and am embarking on a new life together. I think accepting his kids into your life is too much though, and you don't have to be involved in that part of life.

As someone up thread said, you can disapprove of the situation, but still support her/them.

I think it’s fair enough to tell her what you think of the relationship (so long as you’re not harping on about it constantly)... but actually going so far as to exclude her seems unreasonable. Do people really exclude family members when they do something they morally disapprove of? How serious does the moral infraction have to be? In my world family counts for a bit more than that. Also, I don’t like cheating, I never have cheated and never would, I have been cheated on in the past (twice!) and hope I’m never cheated on again… but I’m not convinced that cheating or leaving your partner for someone else is the biggest crime in the world. I’ve never got MN’s obsession with the “other woman.” It’s very upsetting for the people involved. But it’s not murder, or rape, or abuse, or anything like that – it’s nowhere near that scale of magnitude. Marriages come to an end. People get overcome by love and lust. Life is messy. When do people get to take off the hair shirt? I think we should encourage people to live by the highest standards, but I’m not convinced that it’s right to shun them when they don’t.

My brothers family had a similar situation with my sil and her now Dh. Both were married to others when they got together.

Mil found it very hard to accept and refused to let SIL's DP come round even after they'd all moved in together. For years she pretended she couldn't remember his name and referred to him as "that man, what's his name".

Turned out the relationship was serious and they had children. I think MILs attitude upset sil and probably her DP as well. So when mil was faced with a grandchild she didn't really have the best relationship with them and I think it took a long time for them to not be pissed off with MIL. Though of course we're all very british and never discussed it.

All im trying to say is don't say/do anything you can't take back and be aware there could be long term damage to your relationship. Saying that I can totally understand where you're coming from. I would struggle to be pleasant to my sister if she did this.

Sorry Possum but your sister sounds like a selfish bi**h.
I couldn't condone her selfish behaviour, family or not.

This is hard situation and of course you're appalled at your sisters behaviour.

But...she's your sister, and she's not done anything to you so while I'd be clear about how I felt I wouldn't cut her out. And in time I'd accept the boyfriend but privately be expecting sister to be dumped for a younger model too. If that happens she'll be a wreck and will need her family to help her.

She's family. And making some seriously bad decisions. But like my Dad always said 'it's easy to have friends when you're behaving well and doing what everyone thinks is right - trickier when you're being an idiot'.

If you screwed up, would you want her there or would you accept being effectively disowned?

In short, if I were you I'd speak your mind, then put it to one side.