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Original poster

To exclude my sisters married boyfriend

178 replies

possum18 · 25/02/2016 13:22

Just over a year ago my sister started sleeping with her much older boss, who was married to his pregnant wife (she was around 2/3 months pregnant when it started) whom he shared two other children with. Their affair came to light shortly before the third child was born and the wife was left to give birth and care for a new born and two young kids alone whilst my sister and her boyfriend went on holidays..etc.

My parents are very hurt by her actions and want nothing to do with her boyfriend, and have very little to do with my sister now.
They are moving in with one another this weekend, and all of a sudden my sister has become a lot more open about their relationship around me and our parents and has told us all that we are to be supportive and inclusive of her and her new life. She sent me a picture with herself and his children and captioned it 'happy families' and I didn't know what to say. I think what they did to his pregnant wife is disgusting.
I'm very heavily pregnant (and hormonal) and would like my sister to be involved in my life, but really want nothing to do with her boyfriend, who is still married.

My parents are trying keep civil as my very elderly grandparents would be devastated if they were ever to find out what my sister has been up to.

I don't want my sister to feel excluded but I don't know how to go about having her involved heavily in my life and new family whilst wanting nothing to do with her partner and his kids.

Any advise would be great fully received!!

OP posts:
Shelby2010 · 25/02/2016 15:07

I think you should continue your relationship with your sister, but tell her you won't be treating her partner as part of the family whilst he is still married to another woman. Their relationship is only 'legit' once he is free to be with her, at that point you can start including him & his children.

ManneryTowers · 25/02/2016 15:09

apathy No, I don't know. But my point still stands. If the sister is a decent one she will be more concerned about the OP at present than her own drama. That's not a judgement, it's just decency.

BathtimeFunkster · 25/02/2016 15:11

Their relationship would never be "legit" to me.

A relationship born out of causing massive suffering and trauma to a woman and children is always an ugly thing.

ArcheryAnnie · 25/02/2016 15:12

I'm a bit Hmm at everyone who thinks the sister behaved as badly as the married man. She hadn't made any promises to anyone, but he had. She hadn't broken any vows, but he had. He's at fault for destroying his marriage, not her.

(I write this as someone whose marriage ended because of, amongst other things, cheating on the part of my now-ex. I didn't blame the other women, not least because I had discovered what a devious bastard my ex was capable of being, and the kind of lines he had been spinning them.)

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 25/02/2016 15:12

Me too Annie I agree.

wotoodoo · 25/02/2016 15:13

I would welcome him wholeheartedly and once sitting round the dinner table I would start the not so innocent questioning such as why he chose to have an affair when his wife was pregnant? And what would happen if my sister got pregnant? Are you likely to do the same to her?

Depending on his response the questioning might then end with 'Well, I am warning you now that if you ever treat my sister as badly as you have treated your wife then I will be on your case. I will be watching you very closely'

And then smile sweetly.

Original poster
possum18 · 25/02/2016 15:13

Apathy and Mannery, she's never been the best sister in the world but we've always been friends, but since all this she has always been more concerned by her relationship than anything else going on around her. I've accepted that she's self absorbed in her own little bubble and still want to try and have our old relationship, just really don't want to be around her boyfriend Grin

OP posts:
Apathyisthenewblah · 25/02/2016 15:18

ah so self absorbed is her usual state! unless you need to see he I'd keep on the downlow and just see.
what have your parents said?

Abed · 25/02/2016 15:18

IMHO it takes two to tango, both of them have behaved awfully.

spankhurst · 25/02/2016 15:19

God, that's awful. I wouldn't be able to accept either of them, I'm afraid. He is more morally culpable than the sister, but she enabled and approved horrendous cruelty and deceit which has probably left his wife in tatters.

Original poster
possum18 · 25/02/2016 15:20

Parents are beside themselves, my dad was one of the last to find out and has taken it the hardest. He told her what he thought when he found out, and she stormed out half way through. Since then they speak when they have to and are civil and friendly at family events (birthday meals..). My mum doesn't want to shut the door on her daughter but is also very upset by her poor choices.

OP posts:
HooseRice · 25/02/2016 15:21

dinosaur she can't look for a new job, boyf will be busy shagging the new recruit before long.

MeMySonAndl · 25/02/2016 15:22

I think that if you feel so strongly about what your sister and BF did, you need to avoid the two of them.

I would invite both to the wedding to keep the peace but honestly, you cannot punish the BF without damaging your relationship with your sister. For starters, if she is a bit serious about her relationship, she will feel utterly offended if you don't invite her partner and refuse to go, from there the only way is down.

honeyroar · 25/02/2016 15:25

I agree that the married man is th one doing the lying and cheating, however the woman that has the affair with him knowingly isn't much better in terms of morals.

My ex cheated. I blame him and directed my anger at him, but I also think the woman that he had the affair with, who rang my home and hung up if I answered is a pretty scummy woman.

TwoMag314s · 25/02/2016 15:28

he sounds horrible, but don't lose yoru sister over him.

winkywinkola · 25/02/2016 15:28

So there is nothing wrong with starting an affair with a married man and organising together for him to leave his wife who has just had a baby?

I'm very Hmm at those who think the ow should be absolved of all personal responsibility to behaving like a decent person because they didn't make any marriage vows.

Do you have to make vows to behave like a decent person? Really?

Clearly the married man is a total and utter wanker. Totally. But to say the other person involved in the deceit is devoid of any moral responsibility is bonkers.

pinkcan · 25/02/2016 15:35

Both of them have behaved utterly disgustingly. However they could

A) get married, his kids will be your kids' step cousins, the guy will be your kids' uncle
B) have their own baby in which case the man could put his foot down and say that if you don't include him, he will not allow you to see your niece/nephew- your sisters baby!

You have absolutely no choice but to suck it up and include him.

As for the suggestion that the pregnant wife with 2 kids already was abusing this man, there's about a 1% chance of that being true. Your sister fucked her married boss - cliche much?????

In defence of your sister, she is the party with no kids of her own and prob doesn't appreciate the monstrousness of what she's conspired with her twatty boss to do to his wife and kids. She will one day when she is at home with a little baby not knowing where mr naughty shagger is.

Pinkheart5915 · 25/02/2016 15:37

I understand you dad being civil at family and friend events. It will take him some time to accept this is who is daughter is.

I know what others have said that its the married man that lies and cheats but the ow goes to bed with that man knowing his married with children so I don't think the ow is any better than the cheating husband.

IceBeing · 25/02/2016 15:37

If you are married to someone who is willing to leave you while pregnant, do the actions of a specific OW actually make any difference though?

I don't think it is the height or moral behaviour from OW, but in most cases the bloke is gone anyway...so isn't there a if not me than someone else feel?

Of course that boomerang will return when the bloke cheats on the OW next...but that is just the OW being stupid rather than immoral...

Inshock73 · 25/02/2016 15:40

My cousin has just done something very similar! She's 25 and has been having an affair with her boss who's older and married with two children. She's gone a step further and has just had a baby with him, he is currently 'floating' between his wife and her and seems unable to decide where he wants to be. His wife wants them to have another baby!! I feel so sorry for his wife and can't decide whether she's in denial or just can't face being on her own. I would say carry on your relationship with your sister, be civil to her partner, your sister will have to accept her relationship hasn't started in the normal way so her family can't just welcome him with open arms and if she thinks they can/should she's being unrealistic. I doubt any of you trust him let alone like what he has done. At the moment their relationship is all carefree and fun, I wonder what will happen once they live together and he has his children staying over, has to start paying maintenance so they have less 'spare' money to go out with and holiday on. I'm of there belief that if he can do this to his wife he can do it to another woman, to cheat on your pregnant wife is pretty low but to then leave her really is the pits.

Pinkheart5915 · 25/02/2016 15:44

my personal opinion is that they are as bad as each other, the man cheated yes but a woman that goes to bed with a married man has no morals.

My dad cheated on mum when I was 15 and left for the ow, which is probably why I have such a strong opinions on this.

If he cheated on his wife the ow will have the same fate in the future, karma has to come back around!

LadyStoicIsBack · 25/02/2016 15:45

Possum What are you going to do when you've given birth in a few weeks? I mean, very literally what are you going to do in the visiting dept?

I'm assuming that under normal circumstances, your sister would be one of your first visitors so I'm guessing you are going to have to be really clear with her about where your boundaries are? As I'm guessing from the 'loved-up bubble' that we're getting the gist of that she is currently in, then she'll just presume it will be LOVELY to come visit the beautiful new babies - along with her 'D'P.

Were it me, I would quite simply be unable to have some virtual randomer (which he is to you thus far) holding my beautiful fresh newborn let alone allow a randomer to have my tiny newborn in his arms when you know what he forced his wife to endure in the pregnancy and delivery dept.

Precisely as is resonating with you now in your final weeks, it is a beyond devastating and traumatic thing that he inflicted upon her so the idea of him holding my new baby would simply revolt me - hard to put it into words but it would feel very 'staining' IYKWIM. Just yuk.

Have you already decided what you will/won't allow vis contact when your babies are born?

Oh, and congratulations btwFlowers

GreenishMe · 25/02/2016 15:45

Was your sister aware of the wife's pregnancy when she first slept with him?

It doesn't surprise me at all that a man will betray a woman even when she's pregnant...but it does shock surprise me that there are women out there who are willing to enable men to betray pregnant women.

I realise he's the one who's taken the vows but I think they're both equally callous.

Having said that if it was my sister I'd still want to be part of her life and so I'd accept - but not embrace - her partner.

They sound as though they deserve each other.

Pinkheart5915 · 25/02/2016 15:46

Now I'm 25 me and dad have only just repaired our relationship, even now I can't believe the man I idolised could behave in this way.

The ow he left my mum for he cheated on not a year later

Pinkheart5915 · 25/02/2016 15:53

I'd let her know that as my sister I will always love her no matter what, and keep things civil. See how you feel with regards to having them both in your life (they come as a couple now) in a couple of months I they are still together when things calm down

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