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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Unreasonable to be upset at being called stupid and a moron by "D"H

251 replies

OldFarticus · 23/02/2016 14:36

We are purchasing a house (or trying to). Mortgage offer has been delayed and the process has stalled. I send an email to the broker asking for an explanation - it's polite, but asks why various things could not have happened more quickly and how they can resolve it now. I probably should have just left DH to it but I thought me chasing might move things along.

DH has exploded. He has called me stupid on about 5 separate occasions by phone and text. He said that the broker will think I am a moron and will not believe that I have an important job. He then said I am unfit for any kind of responsibility, that I am "mentally unstable" and that I should be in a psychiatric ward. He then put the tin lid on it by telling me that my mental state will make me an unfit mother. (We are going through IVF at the moment so I am a tad stressed anyway).

I practically wrote the book on imposter syndrome so I spend a lot of time telling myself how stupid, useless and fraudulent I am. To hear it from him has left me in a bit of a state. I am crying at work and can't stop shaking. Is this normal stressed DH behaviour caused by my interference? I feel as though he has crossed a line but I am doubting my mental capacity/fitness to have an opinion about anything now.

OP posts:
justmyview · 24/02/2016 11:42

Oh Jibberjabberjoo has it so right - do abusive partners behave badly towards their mothers / sisters / boss / clients? Of course not. They can turn that behaviour on and off like a light switch. Don't be fooled

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 24/02/2016 11:45

Also bear in mind he is in a position of power and authority over his patients so they are probably quite respectful and deferrential to him (which I am sure he likes). I bet he wouldn't be quite so lovely (in private at least) about a patient who wanted a second opinion from a different doctor.

Marynary · 24/02/2016 11:54

It is a massive over reaction and very unacceptable behaviour. It wouldn't be so bad as a one off but if this isn't the first time he has been nasty and he hasn't apologised, I don't think that you should stay together. I appreciate it's a difficult decision though if you feel that it's your last chance to have children.

moggle · 24/02/2016 11:54

If OP's had already gone through the IVF to produce the embryos and has had genetic testing on them then it is quite likely that already a large chunk of money has been spent here, though it could have been on the NHS. Either way, if she were to start again from scratch with donor sperm then since the genetic issue is on her side, there will be another huge bill for the cycle and the testing and this time it wouldn't be paid for by the NHS, and no guarantee of success. It all takes time too with those extra hurdles compared to 'vanilla' IVF, even ignoring the fact that were OP to leave her DH she probably wouldn't be emotionally or financially ready to dive headfirst into more IVF the following month... Depending on her age the odds of success may be quite a bit lower than the first time around.

I'm not making any comment about this man - others have done much better and I couldn't say anything that hasn't already been said - but I just want to say with regards to the IVF especially in this situation it isn't as simple as saying to the OP, abandon it now, you can become a mother another way. This might not be true. Flowers to OldFarticus

Marynary · 24/02/2016 12:01

I have to admit that in OPs position I would probably stay together at least until I was pregnant..

mimishimmi · 24/02/2016 12:04

My husband has never talked to me like that. Yours sounds like the mentally unstable one - why do you think contacting the broker was a mistake? He's got you doubting yourself over perfectly rational things for you to be doing - I think you might need to leave.

Aeroflotgirl · 24/02/2016 12:10

mary I am sorry to say, that is very bad advice. She shoukd nit be getting pregnant by any means with an abusive bully, bring a vulnerable child into this incredibly volatile and unstable situation.

DoreenLethal · 24/02/2016 12:27

I have to admit that in OPs position I would probably stay together at least until I was pregnant.

If you would bring a child into this situation then perhaps you need to go see a professional.

Marynary · 24/02/2016 12:50

Aeroflotgirl I wasn't advising her at all.

Marynary · 24/02/2016 12:57

If you would bring a child into this situation then perhaps you need to go see a professional.

Bring the child into what situation? Whilst I don't think that the relationship has a long term future, I can see why OP would still want to get pregnant as she feels that it is too late for her to have a child otherwise. Many children don't have parents who are together...

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 24/02/2016 13:10

Mary
It wouldn't entirely surprise me if that was how this matter ended up. I think it will hard for the OP to walk away from the IVF process now if it means she may never have a child. However, I can't see this relationship lasting for the long term.

ouryve · 24/02/2016 13:21

Bring the child into what situation?

Into a situation where she has to stay in touch with the man who said she was unfit to be a parent and make joint decisions with him about said child, until that child is an adult. That situation.

LeaLeander · 24/02/2016 13:31

Reprehensible to suggest she deliberately saddle a child with such a horrid father. Don't would-be parents ever consider the child rather than their own selfish wants?

Op, I don't think a relationship can recover from this. He has revealed his true opinion of you.

Aeroflotgirl · 24/02/2016 13:33

It is advice, op having a child by this man means she may be tied to him for a very long time. This man is Emotionally abusive and nasty, think about the child with a father such as this, his EA may be projected into the child. There are Mumsnetters who have similar Ex, who emotionally abuse their chikdren on contact, they use the child as a weapon against the mum. To bring a child into this, is extremely foolish. I am afraid the future child's needs and well being trumps that of the parents.

Marynary · 24/02/2016 13:39

Into a situation where she has to stay in touch with the man who said she was unfit to be a parent and make joint decisions with him about said child, until that child is an adult. That situation.

I don't think that the child will suffer immeasurably because her father said some nasty things to her mother before they were even born.Hmm

Marynary · 24/02/2016 13:47

Aeroflotgirl No it is not advice. I am just admitting that if I was in a situation where it was my last chance to have a child, I would probably have that child even if it meant being a single parent in the future. Plenty of people are single parents and do a great job of bringing up their children.
I don't agree that he will be abusive to the child just because he said some nasty things to the mother. You are projecting a lot based on very little.

waterrat · 24/02/2016 13:53

very easy for people on the internet to blithely tell someone to give up on IVF that has taken years to get to this point. Pretty thoughtless and offensive to veer into accusing her of letting down a future child if she doesn't give up all thoughts of being a mother.

People should back off, Im sure the Op has heard enough bossy advice for now.

Remember there is a real vulnerable woman who has had a tough time on the other side of the computer. People dont' suddenly make huge decisions because they get shouted at on the internet.

Deciding not to have a longed for child is a massive decision.

waterrat · 24/02/2016 13:54

and how unbelivably offence that people are saying ' I hope your IVF Is unsuccesful'. wtf...

Atenco · 24/02/2016 14:20

"I don't think that the child will suffer immeasurably because her father said some nasty things to her mother before they were even born"

Of course not, that is just silly. But... the OP is married to this man, so his name with automatically go on the birth cert, meaning that she will have hand her child over to his unsupervised care on a regular basis and probably see that child being seriously harmed by his nastiness.

Don't we all want to have happy, secure children? Isn't it hard enough with all the unpredictable things that can happen to our children? And the OP is already genetically testing to avoid her child having a genetic illness, so she seriously cares about the wellbeing of any children she has.

Marynary · 24/02/2016 14:32

Of course not, that is just silly. But... the OP is married to this man, so his name with automatically go on the birth cert, meaning that she will have hand her child over to his unsupervised care on a regular basis and probably see that child being seriously harmed by his nastiness

Again I don't think that the fact he has been unpleasant to OP recently means that he will be an abusive father and that they will be seriously harmed by his nastiness. There is far too much extrapolation.

Don't we all want to have happy, secure children? Isn't it hard enough with all the unpredictable things that can happen to our children? And the OP is already genetically testing to avoid her child having a genetic illness, so she seriously cares about the wellbeing of any children she has.

Yes, OP does obviously care about the wellbeing any children that she has so perhaps she should be the one to decide on what is best for her future children rather than strangers on the internet who really know very little about her or her relationship.

TwoMag314s · 24/02/2016 14:36

I'm not blythely telling anybody to do anythig. I left my abusive x with a ruck sack and two small depedents, wisshing I could press rewind to when I was sitting at work, crying (he'd made me cry, like the OP) and half wondering if I was brave enough to look through loot for a flat share. I wished I had pulled the cord at that point.

ouryve · 24/02/2016 14:36

You are extremely naive, Mary.

ouryve · 24/02/2016 14:39

and how unbelivably offence that people are saying ' I hope your IVF Is unsuccesful'. wtf...

That wasn't "people". It was one person, waterrat.

And I don't think anyone is under-estimating the situation that the OP is in. Except maybe the one person you quoted.

pigsDOfly · 24/02/2016 14:43

Surely, in this day and age, if a woman wants to have a child and she is of child bearing age, she doesn't need to be involved with a man at all; let alone a nasty abusive arse.

I'm not for a moment suggesting that the OP should think along these lines, it's not my place to make suggestions like that, but people saying she should have a child with this man as it's her last chance at motherhood seem to be forgetting that plenty of women have children through sperm donation without having a man in their lives. This man does not have to be the father of her child.

TwoMag314s · 24/02/2016 14:47

I have a lot of sympathy for the OP though and didn't lay a load of guilt tripping on her. OP, you deserve more than this.