Unreasonable to be upset at being called stupid and a moron by "D"H

[OldFarticus]

We are purchasing a house (or trying to). Mortgage offer has been delayed and the process has stalled. I send an email to the broker asking for an explanation - it's polite, but asks why various things could not have happened more quickly and how they can resolve it now. I probably should have just left DH to it but I thought me chasing might move things along.

DH has exploded. He has called me stupid on about 5 separate occasions by phone and text. He said that the broker will think I am a moron and will not believe that I have an important job. He then said I am unfit for any kind of responsibility, that I am "mentally unstable" and that I should be in a psychiatric ward. He then put the tin lid on it by telling me that my mental state will make me an unfit mother. (We are going through IVF at the moment so I am a tad stressed anyway).

I practically wrote the book on imposter syndrome so I spend a lot of time telling myself how stupid, useless and fraudulent I am. To hear it from him has left me in a bit of a state. I am crying at work and can't stop shaking. Is this normal stressed DH behaviour caused by my interference? I feel as though he has crossed a line but I am doubting my mental capacity/fitness to have an opinion about anything now.

There's something really wrong here. The thing he said about your voice are the sort of things you think when you really don't like someone.

Maybe the house stalling is actually him having regrets. If he puddles about enough he can delay and delay because he doesn't want to proceed.

Him calling you vicious and cruel names are simply a cowards way of getting YOU to end things. Death of marriage by proxy.

I don't want to LTB but I don't know how to stop him behaving like this

So you want to stay with an abusive bastard then ... because you have absolutely zero chance of stopping him behaving like this.

By staying with him you are not only accepting but condoning his treatment of you. The things he said to you are completely unacceptable under any circumstances ever.

If he's like this now .... what will he be like when you are tied into that house purchase and if the IVF proves successful and you start a family?

Get out now, while you can.

Please walk away from this man. This will not get better. I have been there and tried to rationalize the insults and see my own part in it, and it gets more and more unbearable and you get increasingly unhappy and insecure. He isn't going to see his behaviour as wrong, he isn't going to change. This has happened before and it will happen again. This is his pattern of behaviour. The only thing to do with men like this is to walk away.

OP, my marriage is pretty unhappy, my husband and I have said some pretty bad things to each other and he would still never, ever say this to me or me to him. It is so extraordinarily horrible and shocking and that's why unanimously everyone is saying that there is nothing you could possibly have done that could have warranted this, it is entirely his fault, inexcusable and it is definitely a line that had been crossed.

It also sounds like his behaviour is often pretty fucking awful and he stoops at anything to make you doubt yourself.

You are your own person and we have no more right to tell you what to do then he has but we can say that he sounds like an abusive, bullying shit.

I think you are being given a very, very real wake up call. The very MOST I would have done with my DH would have been to say "Hey, I'm going to email the broker because I think we should have heard by now". If he had a problem with that he would have told me his reasons calmly or said he'd deal with it. Even if I'd already sent an email, the worst he would have done is said "I wish you hadn't done that" followed by a calm discussion of why he felt that way.

This obviously isn't a one-off. I know, I truly do, that in walking away from this relationship you're probably giving up a lot of things you want, but if you stay with this man you'll end up losing them anyway. Losing them to an abusive relationship culminating in an ugly divorce. Or worse still, you'll keep them at the price of a lifetime of misery.

Go now, it would probably be relatively easy to separate. But if you wait until you own property together or have a child, you are going to have 1000 times more heartache trying to get away.

i don't want to LTB but I don't know how to stop him behaving like this

You are an adult and are free to make your own decisions but it would be very unfair of you to inflict this on any future children. Life is complicated and difficult as it is, do you really want to subject any future children to having to live in a household where Daddy treats Mummy like this.

I hope that this thread helps give you a voice in your head that says "it's not me, it's him" every time he says something demeaning or belittling to you. And that it helps keep you strong.

He said that the broker will think I am a moron Umm, no they wont. Even if its not something they're dealing with they'll think you're just being proactive or a pain in the butt but not a moron.

and will not believe that I have an important job. The vast majority of brokers have probably dealt with far more stupid questions than you'll have asked. Even from people who may actually be far more intelligent than you. They'll know that having an important job in one area does not mean you can do every job in the world. Also, why would they even come to that conclusion. Unless they've caught your DH out lying.

He then said I am unfit for any kind of responsibility, that I am "mentally unstable" and that I should be in a psychiatric ward. He then put the tin lid on it by telling me that my mental state will make me an unfit mother. The only person who ever said anything similar to me (then stated it was fact) was a nasty alcoholic who subsequently went on to have massive drug problems. My mental state still isn't great, I may not be the world's best mother but no one thinks I'm unfit. Largely because I kicked that abusive twat out of my life and made sure I had a partner who treated me respectfully before I had them. Please do the same

Get this thread moved to relationships.
And do LTB. He's vile.

When someone tells you who they are, listen.

Run. Run far and run fast. Don't buy a house with him and FFS don't have children with him!

It is ridiculous that he says the broker will think you're a moron.

I agree with strictlymumdancing. The end of this story is being called an unfit mother. It went from moron to midget to fucking idiot to unfit mother.

ps, yes, please accept that you can't change him.

I think I naively believed that because I was reasoned, reasonable, nice, not very demanding etc.... that I could make him see

But when we disagreed, or when I did something that angered him, reason didn't enter in to the picture. He had some very strange ideas.

Go now, before you're leaving in the middle of the night with a ruck sack.

If he talks to you like this now, you will end up defending your mental health whilst fighting him for residency of your child, which he will use as a pawn to destroy you.

He will talk to your kids like he is talking to you. They will grow up and find nasty abusive partners like him. (I'm guessing your Dad was no angel).

Or you can end this now. Save yourself and your cute kids from the misery

Future not cute ffs.

My dp would never speak to me like that. We've been through some trying times and he would never ever speak like that. Nor I to him. Because I have experienced an abuser, if he did, I would tell him to leave. Immediately. But then, I'm on the other side and have had therapy for my issues that make me accept abuse.

IfI sent an email like that without running it past him he'd say 'Thanks for saving me having to do that. I hope things move on quickly now.' And he'd be grateful for having such a switched on, assertive partner.

Sending that email was not stupid. Or crazy. Or anything else he wants to throw at you. What he's trying to say is 'How dare you send an email without my knowledge. I am in charge. You need to get back in your place. You will never be my equal.' All the names and unfit mother talk are the things that he knows will hurt you the most and get you back down low, where he thinks you belong.

You deserve a partner who wants to raise you up and who appreciates you for the intelligent, articulate woman you are. A man who is your equal. You also deserve to feel like you are able to have that relationship. I'd get some help with that too. But don't tell him or he'll use it against you, guaranteed. And please don't have children with him - it will be no end of strife for you.

he won't stop because as he sees it (the facts!) are that he can shout verbal abuse at you regularly enough for it to be a thing and yet you will still have a baby with him and buy a house with him.

If you are prepared to take those steps regardless of his horrendous abuse then you have no power to make him stop.

Don't do what I did, don't leave him, believe that you've 'shown him' and made your point. It just gets harder to leave each time, you use up a bit more energy, they mock your last attempt to leave. You feel bit by bit.... well, I've put up with it for so long, it would be dramatic to leave over x,y,z when by thursday it'll have got lost in the fog of all his other abusive rants

Leave him now while you have the mental energy to get away.

Do you have anywhere you could go while you look for a place to stay?

I still remember the day I sat in work crying because he'd been an arsehole to me (again) and this was before DC, and I did think of opening up Loot and looking for a flat share. WHY DIDN|T| I???

I have no idea whether other H's lose it like this

I've been with my DH for 13 years. He has raised his voice to me once, when I ignored his opinion and let our child do something he viewed as too risky. He has never called me a name, insulted me, shouted or told me I'm stupid, useless, thick, fat or anything else.

And that isn't special, that's normal. Do not accept anything less.

OP there is something seriously wrong in your relationship! I am married and was married once before previously and no boyfriend or husband has EVER said such things to me. When you have a child you will want the support of of your husband, I can only imagine the level of stress and pain this man will inflict on you when you're vulnerable as a new mother. I rarely say "LTB" on MN as I feel too often threads go to extremes but why the hell are you with this man? I doubt he's behaving this way out of the blue so there must be some history with his behaviour. From the things you've written I can tell you I would have left this man, no way would I be putting up with his behaviour.

OP I'm in a fairly shit marriage and DH has been horribly emotionally abusive at times over the years. I remember one holiday sitting in a field in Ireland sobbing because he was being a total cunt to me in front of his DB and SIL. I don't want to get into debate about why I stay, it's complicated and I may start my own thread one day.
I can imagine you convincing yourself that all the posters here are in perfect marriages and not all relationships are like that, most people get stressed and say things they don't mean, he's really lovely a lot of the time, we all have faults etc.
I'm posting from the perspective of someone in an often unhappy and sometimes abusive relationship but if DH said those things to me and then twisted the knife with vicious text messages, I would leave tomorrow.
Please get out while you're not tied to this man by a mortgage or children when leaving will get harder. His behaviour will only get worse. You deserve so much better than this, you might not believe it but you do

"Weirdly he is copying me onto emails to the broker where he appears calm and rational. I challenged him about the way he spoke to me and he said "these are facts".

He'll be behaving that way in front of solicitors and judges when you're battling him court in a few years. SERIOUSLY

We are in the process of buying a house and I'm doing it all (my husband isn't a lazy arse, I have a broken leg so I'm off work). He wouldn't even know who our mortgage advisor was, let alone speak to him but if he wanted to email him, he's welcome! With whatever questions he likes. I am POSITIVE your bellend husband has financial information he does not want you to know about-I'm a suspicious cow so I would run an Equifax check on him but that is awful, reprehensible behaviour that I am absolutely not recommending -but it's a hideous, ridiculous overreaction. You want to breed with this man?? If you're happy for your children to hear you be spoken to like shit, and then for them to be treated the same then crack on xx

I have no idea whether other H's lose it like this.

They don't, OP, they really don't. They don't call their wives stupid once, let alone five times.

My DM has a friend whose H started with verbal abuse soon after they married. Since then she's had 50 years of emotional and physical abuse from the unspeakable cunt him. He destroyed her (admittedly fragile) self-confidence within weeks, and he broke her - he's almost 80 and still threatens her. Don't be like her, please don't be like her.

And as others have said, have this moved to the Relationships board, where there are some very wise posters.

Stay strong.

I don't want to LTB but I don't know how to stop him behaving like this.

You can't. He will carry on.

I have no idea whether other H's lose it like this

I have had some horrible rows with my DH over the years (40+) and we've both said some awful things (which we've apologised for). But never ever at the level this man has sunk to with you.

He has shown you who he is.

Believe him.

This is my first LTB, and I've been on here for years Sorry OP, but I do hope you take the advice on this thread on board. DH and I have been together 15 years and been through some tough times, but if I ever spoke to him like that (me being the more volatile one) I would understand completely if he left me. To me, it's not the behaviour so much as what it signifies.

Get out NOW. I can't emphasise enough how important this is for you to do. I lived in an emotionally abusive relationship for years - he too used to call me stupid and that I needed to be sectioned. We had two children together and it means I can never separate from him properly despite divorce and him now living an hour away. He still makes my life hell on a weekly basis. Just run as far as you can.