Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Unreasonable to be upset at being called stupid and a moron by "D"H

251 replies

OldFarticus · 23/02/2016 14:36

We are purchasing a house (or trying to). Mortgage offer has been delayed and the process has stalled. I send an email to the broker asking for an explanation - it's polite, but asks why various things could not have happened more quickly and how they can resolve it now. I probably should have just left DH to it but I thought me chasing might move things along.

DH has exploded. He has called me stupid on about 5 separate occasions by phone and text. He said that the broker will think I am a moron and will not believe that I have an important job. He then said I am unfit for any kind of responsibility, that I am "mentally unstable" and that I should be in a psychiatric ward. He then put the tin lid on it by telling me that my mental state will make me an unfit mother. (We are going through IVF at the moment so I am a tad stressed anyway).

I practically wrote the book on imposter syndrome so I spend a lot of time telling myself how stupid, useless and fraudulent I am. To hear it from him has left me in a bit of a state. I am crying at work and can't stop shaking. Is this normal stressed DH behaviour caused by my interference? I feel as though he has crossed a line but I am doubting my mental capacity/fitness to have an opinion about anything now.

OP posts:
Jibberjabberjooo · 23/02/2016 14:52

No my dh would never speak to me like this, ever.

He is emotionally abusive. How dare he speak to you like that! I would seriously be considering not buying a house or having a baby with this horrible man.

The reasons why you sent the email are irrelevant. It is not an excuse to talk to you like this, ever.

Chippednailvarnish · 23/02/2016 14:53

You're not asking because you don't know the answer.
Your asking because you want to know what to do about it...

NickyEds · 23/02/2016 14:53

Out of proportion? Beyond that I think. Way beyond it. If it were me the very serious discussion we would be having would begin with me telling him that the broker has been called and the house purchase delayed indefinitely, possibly cancelled altogether.You just can not let someone speak to you like that op. It's not normal, not part of a loving relationship and not something I'd want any part of. Sorry op.

314Romaniac · 23/02/2016 14:54

I notice that you're planning to go through IVF.

I'm NOT SAYING that this is the case for every woman who's had IVF, and I know it isn't so please don't anybody berate me for saying this to the OP but I think it's possible that your body won't allow you to get pregnant. I know of a woman who had IVF with an abusive man, but later, after a DC, she said that she knows now she is ovulating and would have to be careful now (with a new partner).

His rage at you daring to mail the broker speaks volumes about how much less important your voice is in the relationship. HE does the talking. HE makes the decisions. HE is the frontline dealing with money issues. You just....... stump up cash for the deposit??

Shoveyergrannyaffabus · 23/02/2016 14:54

He sounds like a nasty bully and I can't imagine he will get better once you are financially tied to him Sad

geekymommy · 23/02/2016 14:55

Unless your email was an incoherent, racist, sexist, anti-Semitic screed including threats to firebomb the broker's office, or something like that, he's seriously, seriously overreacting.

314Romaniac · 23/02/2016 14:56

ps, what I mean is, your body feels it's at war. Your body maybe feels it's in survival mode. Do you know what I mean? During war time, and in times of stress and danger, gender ratios change so this is not some mickey mouse notion.

geekymommy · 23/02/2016 14:56

I'd have run it by him just to make sure I wasn't asking the broker stuff DH had already gotten answers to.

AliceScarlett · 23/02/2016 14:56

My DH would never talk to me like that, nor I to him because we respect each other and don't call each other names.

You're in an emotionally abusive relationship. Please don't buy a house and have a baby with this man. You can do better. I'm sure he has made you feel like you can't, but you can.

ouryve · 23/02/2016 14:56

I think the house purchase needs to be stalled permanently. Fucking hell, what a dick.

Good job you found this out about him before signing on the dotted line, really. Because you have found something out about him because nothing he said there is really about you. It's all about how he feels about not being the one calling the shots and about how he treats people who dare to get out of the little box he prefers them to stay in.

SofiaAmes · 23/02/2016 14:56

If this is how he is when there are no children and your are still "young and in love," then he will be unbearable a few years from now. From someone who did not heed the warning signs and went on to have children and buy property with an abusive husband....please please please get out now!!!!

zzzzz · 23/02/2016 14:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LogicalThinking · 23/02/2016 14:59

There is absolutely no excuse for his treatment of you.
If he treats you like that for just doing something that in his judgement was wrong, then he has made it clear that he thinks that this is an acceptable way of treating you.
He will continue to treat you like that because he sees it as acceptable.
There is nothing acceptable about it.
He has no respect for you now and I don't believe there is ever a reason why that would change.
Do you really want to have children with and live with this man?

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 23/02/2016 15:00

I am horrified by your husband's reaction. My DH can be a bit stressy at times (formerly suffered from PTSD) but he would not behave like this nor would I tolerate it if he ever did.

Why would you want to buy a house and have a baby with someone who is such an awful bully. Step back before you get any more enmeshed and trapped to him.

I bet you wouldn't feel half as thick or such an imposter if you didn't have him talking down to you on a regular basis. He sounds like an abusive shit.

Original poster
OldFarticus · 23/02/2016 15:00

Yes chipped that is probably true. I am far from perfect but I am struggling to keep my chin up at the moment anyway. IVF is horrid and work is not great either (and crying at my desk won't help any!)

I don't want to LTB but I don't know how to stop him behaving like this.

OP posts:
Gileswithachainsaw · 23/02/2016 15:00

He sounds awful and I agree with the postern that said that maybe he has stalled it somehow himself as tat level of anger towards you for perfectly justifiable amd polite email is not normal.

I think you should prepare yourself for a very awkward reply from the broker

TendonQueen · 23/02/2016 15:01

I could see why he might be annoyed you had waded into his side of things, and that he might say so (though it's your mortgage too). But there was no reason at all to lose his temper and call you names. That's not someone I'd want to tie myself to. I would go off grid now, as much as you can, and tell him (tomorrow or in a few days' time) that you're rethinking your relationship as you don't intend to be called names and shouted out for the rest of your life. Can you leave work a bit early, grab a few things and stay with a friend or at a hotel tonight?

LetsSplashMummy · 23/02/2016 15:02

I think he is hiding financial problems from you and is terrified of being found out, it is such a ridiculous thing to get stressed by. I don't mean this to be an excuse for his outburst, just that it might indicate there is more to it.

It is not remotely normal for a DH to lose it like this, in fact it is normal for DHs to be a bit more gentle and kind while their wife goes through the wringer for IVF.

As an aside, even if you were less intelligent or had mental health problems (it doesn't sound it), you would still have a right to information on your own mortgage application. His argument has no logical basis - it is just nastiness. So stop thinking that your being stupid could explain it, even if you were he shouldn't be so unpleasant, it is totally unrelated to his behaviour.

ImperialBlether · 23/02/2016 15:02

Ugh. I couldn't live like that. I don't have an enemy who'd talk to me like that.

I'm afraid I would pull out of the sale, pull out of IVF and pull out of the marriage.

"Love, honour, cherish." This is what he promised you. Look at how he's treating you - it's disgraceful.

AskingForAPal · 23/02/2016 15:02

It's not normal. Not at all. None of those things are acceptable to say to someone no matter how upset you are. Well, calling someone "stupid" when they have done something you're really annoyed about is pretty normal, but not repeatedly, and none of the rest of it.

Have you heard of the cycle of abuse, because I think that's what you're caught in.

MrsTerryPratchett · 23/02/2016 15:03

Please stop focusing on what you should have done differently. It doesn't matter whether you should or should not have emailed the broker. What matters is that your husband is abusive. He uses language that you identify is very hurtful and upsetting to you and uses it often.

If the pregnancy takes and he talks like that in front of, or worse at, your child like that, would you leave then. Because it's not going to change for the better. It might change for the worse.

thetemptationofchocolate · 23/02/2016 15:03

You may not be perfect but no-one is.
How dare he speak to you like that? It's totally unacceptable IMO. For me this would be a deal-breaker, sorry.
Hope you are feeling better soon.

Shoveyergrannyaffabus · 23/02/2016 15:04

You can't make someone into a nice person and it doesn't even sound like he thinks he's doing anything wrong. Do you really want to be treated like this for the rest of your life? You are worth so much more

nocabbageinmyeye · 23/02/2016 15:04

I completely disagree with the first poster who said you should have run it past your dh.

You should use this as your wake up call before your financially tied to him or worse died with children and run for the hills

Jibberjabberjooo · 23/02/2016 15:05

You can't stop him behaving like this. He won't change, please don't think you can make him. If you have a child, think about how he'll talk to them, it'll be like this. It's totally unacceptable behaviour.

Swipe left for the next trending thread