Unreasonable to be upset at being called stupid and a moron by "D"H

[OldFarticus]

We are purchasing a house (or trying to). Mortgage offer has been delayed and the process has stalled. I send an email to the broker asking for an explanation - it's polite, but asks why various things could not have happened more quickly and how they can resolve it now. I probably should have just left DH to it but I thought me chasing might move things along.

DH has exploded. He has called me stupid on about 5 separate occasions by phone and text. He said that the broker will think I am a moron and will not believe that I have an important job. He then said I am unfit for any kind of responsibility, that I am "mentally unstable" and that I should be in a psychiatric ward. He then put the tin lid on it by telling me that my mental state will make me an unfit mother. (We are going through IVF at the moment so I am a tad stressed anyway).

I practically wrote the book on imposter syndrome so I spend a lot of time telling myself how stupid, useless and fraudulent I am. To hear it from him has left me in a bit of a state. I am crying at work and can't stop shaking. Is this normal stressed DH behaviour caused by my interference? I feel as though he has crossed a line but I am doubting my mental capacity/fitness to have an opinion about anything now.

I practically wrote the book on imposter syndrome so I spend a lot of time telling myself how stupid, useless and fraudulent I am.

Gosh. What a coincidence then, that your husband just happened to partner up with you. Someone who didn't think like that, wouldn't tolerate his pathetic cruelty (what does it say about him, if the best he could do was get together with a genuine total 'moron'?).

You shouldn't be tolerating his cruelty. Because your thoughts about yourself (let alone his thoughts) are just not true.

If you don't like the idea of him speaking to your children (who you will love and want to protect beyond anything you can imagine right now) like this, then it's probably time to seriously reassess things.

Back out of this loan, dont do it. You need to get some distance so you can see how awful he is.
He is controlling and abusive. Seriously, you deserve better than him.

Thanks everyone. I really appreciate all the advice and I know he has been an insufferable arse.

I went for a long walk and had an early night. Feel a bit brighter this morning and I am taking a day off work tomorrow to go and see my mum. No apology or any contact from H.

Sorry, I have lost track of the posts, but the PP who asked me about drinking - no, my alcohol consumption hasn't increased since I met him. I am not really a big drinker (due to alcoholic parent) but I really enjoy my Over Christmas I met up with an v old friend (and DH was also there). We hadn't seen each other for ages and probably were a bit giggly and shrill, but he took that one night as evidence that I have an alcohol problem and now tries to ration my drinking. I realise I am making him sound like a complete pig, but it's true.

On the IVF front, for the PP who asked, we have frosties and the whole process has taken almost 3 years because of pre-implantation genetic testing. (The genetic risk is mine). I am not 25 any more and this is literally my last chance to be a mum. That isn't to say that I don't appreciate the majority on here think I should not bring a child into the marriage - objectively, I agree.

Thank you again - it has really helped me iron out my thoughts and feel a bit less bruised.

This sounds like emotional abuse to me.

You ask whether this is a 'normal' thing? My DP never, ever says anything derogatory about me at all.

This is categorically NOT normal. It is EA....he is clearly emotionally unstable and if I were you I would be cancelling the purchase and leaving the relationship. I'm afraid this will only get worse and will undermine your confidence to the point that you feel you can't leave. Leave now before that happens.

Please don't buy a house or have a child with this awful man.

If you grew up with an alcoholic parent you are used to someone's emotional state being unpredictable, and for excusing great swathes of dickish behaviours as 'not really them'. (Believe me, I've been there.) Your 'd'h is carrying on what you grew up with, and you haven't put two and two together because he doesn't seem to need alcohol to act like a dick.

But you have a choice. You don't have to stay married to someone like that, and you absolutely don't have to bring a child into that. I'm really sorry to hear this is your last chance to conceive naturally but I'm afraid I agree with others that you will regret doing so and that any children exposed to this abusive man will grow up to continue the cycle of abuse.

Please get out. Take some space, clear your head, then back out of mortgage and IVF and especially your marriage to this hateful man. Get some therapy and sort through your past, because you will have just escaped from repeating it.

Whether you have a baby in or out of a relationship with him, he will still be a nightmare. The lack of contact demonstrates that he's not sorry.

So this ' important' job you do OP , does it bring in more money than your DH's job by any chance ? The mortgage broker isn't going to suddenly not believe something you can prove in black and white are they , what a ridiculous statement !!!!

Ridiculous statement , ridiculous behaviour from an adult , especially one who is supposed to love you enough to marry and want a child with you . As I strongly suspect you are going to stay with the ridiculous creature ( nasty pathetic bullying abusive creature ) , I hope you can keep that word 'ridiculous' at the front of your mind for the future times ( and there will be many ) he does this to you . IT IS NOT YOU IT IS HIM .

I think people should leave the op to her thoughts now. No need for more people telling her to leave.

It's great news!

He did all that BEFORE you bought a house and had a child with him. It's so much easier to get rid of him now than later when you had children. He would have been in your life for the next 18 years with regular insults and control games.

Op the lack of apology is telling, I repeat, do not bring a child into this! Later on if you leave this arse, there are other means of having a child if you wish. If you have a child with him, you will be tied to him, even when the child is an adult. Do not buy a house with him either, I woukd cancel the whole thing. Concentrate on your future without this man in it, which will be a hell of a lot easier without chikdren, and dragging them through it, court orders, residency, contact etc.

"I am making him sound like a complete pig"

He IS a complete pig. Run like fuck.

My DH isn't brilliant, but, I'd I'd written a bit of a daft email (and you only have his word for it that it's daft) he'd have rolled his eyes and offered me wine/tea depending on circumstance.

He might have made his excuses and left if I was cackling with an old friend, and either met up with a mate of his own of gone home, gone to bed and switched my blanket on.

Yours sounds like an Arse.

Cancel it all now.

Farticus there's no way you can be thick and do your line of work! I know that I'm pretty damned intelligent, but it's all way over my head! There's so many facets to human intelligence and we're not all blessed with super powers in all of them.

And if your H does what I think he does, then he's even worse than he appears at first, because he's wrapping up his words in a cloak of superior "knowledge". If he is in that line of work, then he should know full well that a third glass of wine at Christmas, in a social situation, is not a red flag for alcoholism. In fact, that and his made up "assessment" of your apparent mental health status makes him look more than a bit thick. (And if he doesn't do what I think he does, but is in management, then it makes him look even more thick, because he doesn't even have the most basic qualification to jump to those conclusions!)

The insistence that he was right in what he said, followed by the radio silence, just makes him look like more of an arrogant arsehole than when he made those comments, in the first place.

The journey that you've been on with IVF sounds long and painful. I wonder how much you've put up with from him that you wouldn't have let slide if you hadn't been going through the process and hadn't made such a strong emotional investment in this particular aspect of your relationship.

I agree with ouryve I've just remembered where I've seen your posts before and you work in the same profession as me. I doubt you could write a bad email if you tried because writing formal communications is such a part of the job. (I can't even use text speak because the habit is so ingrained).

Maybe there is some truth in the old joke
What is the difference between a Dr and God?
God doesn't believe s/he is a Dr!

Thanks Chaz and Ouryve - yes, rumbled. (He's so lovely with patients, I promise...)

I 100% understand why you would not want to jeopardize your last chance to have a biological child. Is it medically feasible for you to do IVF with donated sperm, so doing it without him?

I had a child with a horrible person because I panicked about possible childlessness. I know what it's like to keep the blinkers on deliberately for this purpose. In all honesty, I wouldn't say I'd have preferred to be without dd, but just be prepared that later on down the line, trying to legally prevent or reduce contact with an abusive father is extremely difficult and expensive. It's hard on you and harder on the child.

I drink too much and get loud and shrill on occasion. DH raises his eyes to heaven.

If I had sent an email to a mortgage broker without running it by him he would be pleased. If there WAS a reason I shouldn't have - I.e he had just spoken to him or decided to wait a bit or something - he might sigh, say 'bugger - I wish you had spoken to me first because X y or z'. And then we would sort it together.

But I completely get th panic about having a baby. Esp the stress of IVF. I wish you well with it all. He sounds vile quite honestly. I have a temper but even in my worst moments I never say anything horrible. Things can not be unsaid.

You are going to go ahead no matter what, because a woman's broodiness trumps all other feelings doesn't it?

He's so nice to other people, it's only you he is nasty to so that leaves you doubting yourself.

His rational emails and respected job means that no one would doubt him when he tells the court how unfit you are to be a mother and brings up incidences of where you have agreed with him about your unstable mental health.

He would fight for custody and with his high income and clever defence he might well win.

Op I sincerely hope your ivf with him is unsuccessful as the trauma a child has to live with growing up in a seriously emotionally abusive household will affect them for life.

An anonymous sperm donor would be a far better bet otherwise he will undermine you as a mother completely and you are already scarily under his influence.

You need a kind and thoughtful dh and father for your child or none at all.

Please put the interests of any future child first. At the moment you are not.

This husband of your has told you loud and clear what he thinks of you - will you listen to him?
One day he could be calling your daughter - a 'stupid moron'
I said before - keep his abusive texts, they will come in useful during the custody battle.

Another vote for Lundy Bancroft book. Here is the link
www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656

Why are people saying you should have run the email by him before sending it? Why, to stop him acting like an abusive bully? No matter what the Op did, his reaction is out of order and even if he is stressed it isn't justifiable. It would be divorce in my house.

Don't put your need to have a baby in front of the fact you have an abusive Dh.

This is a warning shot of what things will be like in the future.

My Dh would never call me stupid.

So sorry for you. But I would be fuming. Who does he think he is. Joint application. You can do what you like. And as for the insults I would think carefully about your future. If he is like this now what will he be like in the future. Totally out of order.

Of course he's lovely to his patients. He has to be, he wants the world to see what a nice man he is.

But he's not lovely to you is he? Do you not see OP, that's a choice he makes. He's not horrible and vile at work is he?