Unreasonable to be upset at being called stupid and a moron by "D"H

[OldFarticus]

We are purchasing a house (or trying to). Mortgage offer has been delayed and the process has stalled. I send an email to the broker asking for an explanation - it's polite, but asks why various things could not have happened more quickly and how they can resolve it now. I probably should have just left DH to it but I thought me chasing might move things along.

DH has exploded. He has called me stupid on about 5 separate occasions by phone and text. He said that the broker will think I am a moron and will not believe that I have an important job. He then said I am unfit for any kind of responsibility, that I am "mentally unstable" and that I should be in a psychiatric ward. He then put the tin lid on it by telling me that my mental state will make me an unfit mother. (We are going through IVF at the moment so I am a tad stressed anyway).

I practically wrote the book on imposter syndrome so I spend a lot of time telling myself how stupid, useless and fraudulent I am. To hear it from him has left me in a bit of a state. I am crying at work and can't stop shaking. Is this normal stressed DH behaviour caused by my interference? I feel as though he has crossed a line but I am doubting my mental capacity/fitness to have an opinion about anything now.

pigsDOfly See the post by Moggle and perhaps you will understand...

ouryve I am far from naive. You are naive if you think that everyone who has ever said anything nasty to their partner or ex partner will be an abusive parent.

OP please disregard my comment of you think that I'm completely off the mark.

Is it possible that your DP has been under immense pressure due to the IVF etc?
I've seen professionally so many couples disintegrating because of the pressure of IVF that it makes me wonder if his behaviour now is an issue with the IVF or if he is just a twat that will give you grief for the next 20 years if you do go ahead with the IVF

You will know I'm sure which one it is.

I do hope you will find a 'solution' to this situation. It must be heartbreaking to have to chose between staying (at least for now) to live with someone like this and never having children.

I have to admit that in OPs position I would probably stay together at least until I was pregnant.

So you'd trick the man into thinking the relationship was OK, get pregnant and leave. I presume you wouldn't ask for anything in the way of financial support then?

She wouldn't be tricking him though it's an IVF not putting homes in confirm wo his knowledge.

Do you know the impact that growing up in a household with domestic violence can have on a child?

www.rcpsych.ac.uk/healthadvice/parentsandyouthinfo/parentscarers/domesticviolence.aspx

en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Effects_of_domestic_violence_on_children

Talk about being caught between the Devil and the deep blue sea!

OP, I can't give you any advice because I know I'd probably do what some are suggesting and I'm not sure it would be the wisest thing to do.

I think you may want to consider seeing a counselor to help you figure this whole mess out.

mary and some of you on here, are incredibly naive and foolish. Downplaying the abuse quite considerably. This is a real life human being being put into an incredibly volatile situation, with a father who is Emotionally abusive, he could well be abusive to the child, please do not say that will not happen, as you do not know. Op could have a child via other means, not by this man who she will be tied to for a very long time.

ivf uses eggs extracted from a woman's ovaries=very intrusive and painful . It takes sperm from a man's penis. This is stressful for the man how??

You can't imagine how ivf and years of infertility or miscarriage might be stressful for a man even if it's not physically painful? Not that it is the point of the thread. But come on!

He has called me stupid on about 5 separate occasions by phone and text. Does he think because he's a doctor that if he calls you stupid, then that is a fact, a diagnosis even? And do you agree with him about that?

He said that the broker will think I am a moron and will not believe that I have an important job. Even if the broker did think you were a moron, why is what the broker 'thinks' so important to your H? Does he worry the broker will think he is deficient because he is married to a 'moron'? Is he worried about what random and unimportant people think about him?

He then said I am unfit for any kind of responsibility, that I am "mentally unstable" and that I should be in a psychiatric ward. If he really thinks that is a 'fact' why on earth is he being so fucking irresponsible as to have a child with you? Surely, if he really believed that about you, then he would be the one who is 'unfit' for condemning this poor child to be mothered by someone 'unfit', a 'moron', officially diagnosed by this arrogant bully.

HE IS TELLING YOU THESE THINGS TO GET YOU BACK IN YOUR BOX. How dare you make him look like an idiot by writing to your own broker? He is so angry about that, that he is prepared to totally TRASH the woman he supposedly loves.

I practically wrote the book on imposter syndrome so I spend a lot of time telling myself how stupid, useless and fraudulent I am. To hear it from him has left me in a bit of a state. And he knew that when he said it. He knew if it came from him, you'd believe it. Because you already have a history of believing stuff like that about yourself. And this is where he has shown his true colours. He is quite prepared to use your vulnerabilities against you, if it suits him to do so. Not very loving.

I feel as though he has crossed a line You're right, he has.

but I am doubting my mental capacity/fitness to have an opinion about anything now. So he's achieved what he wanted to achieve. He's trampled all over you until you've well and truly learned that you are incapable, incompetent, thick. Why does he want to have a baby and buy a house with someone who is such a disaster?

My concern about you continuing this, is that he could wreck your relationship with your child, he could wreck motherhood for you, by bringing up the dc to believe that mummy is 'unfit', mummy is a 'moron', mummy is mentally unstable' etc etc.

I'm so sorry. You deserve so much more. It would be healthy if you believed that too.

He actually sounds very controlling going off op other posts.

I wouldn't be having a child with this man.

zzzzz so your selfish wish to have a child comes before the child's welfare and well-being. Lovely.

She wouldn't be tricking him though it's an IVF not putting homes in confirm wo his knowledge.

I meant tricking him into thinking he's going to remain the relationship. Obviously, it's a bit difficult to trick someone into IVF...

I don't think that the child will suffer immeasurably because her father said some nasty things to her mother before they were even born.

You are talking as if this is a one-off, discrete event.

Why?

For me the child is already committed to Which is odd because it is not .

There are some incredibly worrying and odd views on this thread.

So you'd trick the man into thinking the relationship was OK, get pregnant and leave. I presume you wouldn't ask for anything in the way of financial support then?

No I wouldn't "trick" him into think the relationship was okay at all. I probably wouldn't finish it though if I had gone through what OP has gone through and it was my last chance to having a baby.
I'm not saying that it would be wise to do that. I'm just being honest.

I meant tricking him into thinking you're going to remain the relationship.

Surely this guy has a brain and can work out if their relationship is on the rocks or not? And whether it is appropriate to bring a child in this world in those circumstances.
It's not an issue of 'tricking him' as in telling him how wondeerful he is but more about carrying on as it is and then deciding, once she is pregnant that actually he is an arse. Tbh, that wouldn't be the first woman to be in that situation.

What to remember too is that he might well want to stay in this relationship until she is pregnant because he desperately wants a child too. Desperately wanting to be a parent isn't just a woman's thing.

What a dreadful position to be in OP. I'm so sorry.

If you have a large deposit saved in your name and wish to go ahead with the IVF, then in your shoes I would try to delay a house purchase until you see if the implantation has been successful. If it is not, then your walk away position is much simpler.

Appreciate that is likely to go down extremely badly with your spouse gobshite though. Still, getting a mortgage and actually completing the process of buying a house are two entirely separate things.

OP your husband is an abusive arse and buying a house with him and having a child with him would be the last thing I would think anyone should do.

Please don't bring a child into this,I know IVF is a fucking nightmare to go through but this is a human beings life were talking about and him being a part of it would never be a good thing.

Just imagine if you had a DD and he spoke to her whilst she was growing up the way he speaks to you.

Take it from someone who had that Father it does affect you for the rest of your life,I've been abused sexually,physically,emotionally and mentally by many men since I was 3 years old because of the way my Father was towards me I've spent 40 years of my life believeing that was all I deserved because of the way my father raised me.Please don't bring a child into this world that could very well end up being another victim for the rest of they're lifes because of what they're Father was like!

The first relationship any of us ever have with a man is the one we have with our Fathers,we all learn from that relationship what we think a loving male figure in our lives should be like!
The same goes for boys,I've known grown men who's lifes haven't gone the way any of us would hope for our sons because of what they witnessed they're Fathers being like as they grew up!