Unreasonable to be upset at being called stupid and a moron by "D"H

[OldFarticus]

We are purchasing a house (or trying to). Mortgage offer has been delayed and the process has stalled. I send an email to the broker asking for an explanation - it's polite, but asks why various things could not have happened more quickly and how they can resolve it now. I probably should have just left DH to it but I thought me chasing might move things along.

DH has exploded. He has called me stupid on about 5 separate occasions by phone and text. He said that the broker will think I am a moron and will not believe that I have an important job. He then said I am unfit for any kind of responsibility, that I am "mentally unstable" and that I should be in a psychiatric ward. He then put the tin lid on it by telling me that my mental state will make me an unfit mother. (We are going through IVF at the moment so I am a tad stressed anyway).

I practically wrote the book on imposter syndrome so I spend a lot of time telling myself how stupid, useless and fraudulent I am. To hear it from him has left me in a bit of a state. I am crying at work and can't stop shaking. Is this normal stressed DH behaviour caused by my interference? I feel as though he has crossed a line but I am doubting my mental capacity/fitness to have an opinion about anything now.

I am so sorry OP, his behaviour is totally unacceptable. I know you are feeling emotional but try to find your anger. I would be texting him to not come home and stay away until he could offer you the genuine apology you obviously deserve and some explanation for his atrocious behaviour. Oh and an assurance that it would not happen again at the very least.

Don't allow him to destroy your self confidence or self worth you are an intelligent woman who deserves to be treated with respect at the very least.

I would not be getting a mortgage or baby with this 'man'.

My DH shouts at me when he's stressed. I shout at him sometimes. We always apologise and we NEVER make personal comments. My husband is my biggest fan. We're in the middle of moving with two DC, one with ASD. Things get tense but my DH would never insult me.

Your DH is not normal. That's not how a man in love with his wife behaves, no matter how stressed out he is.

The mortgage broker wouldn't be bothered by hearing from you, or being asked the same thing twice. They will have come far sillier people than you without a doubt.

You can't turn him into a nice person. This is who he is.

Do you want him to call your children those sorts of names? Would it be ok if he was stressed?

Can you imagine what he'd be like as a father, after a few weeks of broken sleep? Would he be better or worse than he is now?

You did nothing to deserve that behaviour. I wouldn't call anyone those names, especially not someone I loved.

Please don't throw good time after bad. Don't give your children him as a father. You can do so much better.

Oh OP

You don't deserve this. He doesn't love you. He wouldn't treat you like this if he did. Would you treat anyone like this? No. Because you aren't a horrible arsehole.

One thing you said that stood out that always crops up on threads like these was:

I probably am quite thick compared to his friends

Firstly you probably aren't thick, and secondly even if you aren't as clever as his friends or him so what? Clever people aren't better than thick people or nicer people, as evidence by his behaviour. It isn't an excuse for him to abuse you.

I'll echo what everyone else is saying here. Leave. Yes it may lose you some money and the house but you stand to lose SO much more.

I have been with DP for 10 years and he would never say anything that nasty to me. It isn't normal.

Sorry to hear that you are having to deal with this, OP. Nothing to add to the fabulous previous posts, but just wanted to highlight this one.

314Romaniac

"Weirdly he is copying me onto emails to the broker where he appears calm and rational. I challenged him about the way he spoke to me and he said "these are facts".

He'll be behaving that way in front of solicitors and judges when you're battling him court in a few years. SERIOUSLY

Don't let it get that far. Hard though it will be now, it'll be approx a million times easier than 10 years and possibly with kids in tow down the line. And I know that the (no) kids now thing complicates matters emotionally. Would you consider counselling so that you have space to talk out loud about this and get your thoughts straight?

LEAVE HIM NOW. DO NOT HAVE A BABY WITH THIS MAN.

LEAVE HIM NOW. DO NOT HAVE A BABY WITH THIS MAN.

LEAVE HIM NOW. DO NOT HAVE A BABY WITH THIS MAN.

LEAVE HIM NOW. DO NOT HAVE A BABY WITH THIS MAN.

Seriously. I have been with my DH for 15 years and during that time we have had some stonking arguments. However he has NEVER called me thick, or a moron, or told me that I am mentally unstable (despite the fact that I have had MH issues in the distant past).

Decent blokes don't behave like this. He is a bully. His behaviour won't change. My guess is that your feelings of 'imposter syndrome' will improve quite dramatically without him in your life dripping poison in your ear.

Not normal and not acceptable behaviour in any way :( Sorry you're having to deal with this :/

Dear Op

1. buy the book Lundy Bancroft Why does he do that?

2. LTB

3. Do the Freedom programme

4. Find yourself a real man.

don't waste another second or another tear on this monster. A relationship should make you happy not sad.

My husband wouldn't speak to me like that and yours shouldn't. What if he spoke to a child that you had together, think of how that would effect them in the long term.

He needs to either understand that it's not okay to act like that and change, or you should be showing him the door. You deserve better.

OP he's an arse. That walk you were talking about taking - make it a long one, far far away from him.

ladybird69 says it better:
Dear Op
1) buy the book Lundy Bancroft Why does he do that?

2) LTB

3) Do the Freedom programme

4) Find yourself a real man.

don't waste another second or another tear on this monster. A relationship should make you happy not sad.

Having successfully been through the stressful fertility/adoption process with a man who ended up speaking to me similarly (calling me a lazy cunt in front of our daughter, telling me I was 'mental' or going crazy, refusing to speak to me for weeks on end because I was too stupid etc and eventually escalating to police involvement) I would say you will later consider yourself extremely lucky if you manage to get out now and save putting a child through hell. If your partner is like this now things will only get a lot worse once a baby arrives and he can pick you apart for a million new things, not to mention how difficult family life will be with that level of disdain shown towards you at the very least.

Please listen to the advice given to you. My ExH was much more subtle but once he had me in a more vulnerable position he increased his abuse. Notice, he is now my ex but I endured years of FA, EA, Sexual A and gaslighting. I almost had a nervous breakdown as a result. Honestly, someone who loves you would never treat you this way.

You will waste all your time wondering why he is this way, and what you did wrong! Don't bother. It is NOT you! You did NOTHING WRONG!

imperialblether is utterly correct. You wouldn't put up with it if a friend, or a colleague, or even the broker himself spoke to you like that, so why should you accept it from the person who is supposed to love you more than anyone in the world?

Please do not bring a baby into an abusive relationship.

He's showing you who he really is OldFarticus, please listen. You do not want to spend the next 40 or 50 years being told these horrible things. He has no respect for you.
Leave now and do yourself a favor. He's a nasty piece of work.

Don't stay with this man because you think it's your only chance of a baby.

I wouldn't act like he did if my husband came home and told me he voted for Donald Trump. I wouldn't act like that if he had done something that resulted in our not getting a house that I had really wanted to buy. If I DID snap from stress and do something like that to him, I would apologize later after I had calmed down, not double down and tell him that I was right to be nasty to him. I might well leave him if he became a Trump supporter, and I would still think that Trump's supporters are brainwashed at best, evil at worst, and in any case probably not too bright. Even if you WERE stupid and did a stupid thing that affected me, that still wouldn't justify behaving that way.

I don't even think it would justify saying things like that to a total stranger, let alone to your spouse. I don't think I'd talk that way to those scammers who call pretending to be from Microsoft.

I would feel comfortable telling those "Microsoft" scammers to go f*ck their mothers, just to give you a comparison. Don't think I'm some kind of saint who never insults anyone- I'm most definitely not.

In fact, even if you had gotten drunk and sent a racist, sexist, anti-Semitic screed full of terrorist threats to the broker (and I really don't think that's what happened), I still don't think he'd be justified in acting the way he did. Insults about things you know are a sensitive subject are a low blow, even in that situation. Asking what possessed you to do that would be justified; I could even understand cursing at you in that situation.

Oh old you know you need to get out, get away from him. You are so much better than him, you are worth so much more than this.

Nothing that you will lose by leaving could possibly be worth staying for. Please don't curse children with a father like this - he will call them morons and scream at them too.

I don't know how brokers work in your part of the world, but I really don't think they refuse to sell a house to someone because they're too stupid. Even if they DID do that, I don't think they keep a blacklist- if this broker did refuse to work with you, there are others, no?

I don't know much about UK law, but I also think you'd have to be pretty dumb to be declared an unfit parent for that. I doubt you could hold down a job if you were that dumb. I also doubt someone that stupid could write the posts you did. There would be serious ethical issues with doing IVF on someone with intelligence that low- could they consent to an optional medical treatment like that?

Leave this bastard now.

You don't need to live the rest of your life like this.

please don't have a baby with him

don't buy a house with him but this is less important. Don't have a baby with him. Don't.

The single most important decision you will make in your life is who you chose to father your children. Nothing else has the potential to make your life as happy or as miserable- or affect the lives of children you will love more than you think possible. Just stop and think. seriously

You say you like your wine. Have you been drinking more since you started seeing this guy, or since you got married? That may not be a coincidence. And no, I'm not saying your drinking made him act like this- more like the other way round.

Oh please OP, run from this man, it can only get worse. I agree with 99% of the posters here about your own well-being but what if you have a child and he speaks to your child like that?

Again, I don't know about the UK, but here in America it's hard to get someone's parental rights terminated against their will. That's a two edged sword- it means it's unlikely you'd be found an unfit mother for being a bit thick, but it also means it's not easy to get an abusive parent out of a child's life, especially if the abuse isn't physical. Think hard about that before having a baby with this guy.

If you do have a child with him, I'd bet some serious money that he will act the same way toward the child as he does toward you. I'd also bet that he won't make it easy for you and your child to leave, and that he won't bow out of the child's life. He will stay involved and treat the child badly.

If you do leave him, don't hesitate to get help from family, friends, or even the police. Abuse often escalates when the victim tries to leave.