Unreasonable to be upset at being called stupid and a moron by "D"H

[OldFarticus]

We are purchasing a house (or trying to). Mortgage offer has been delayed and the process has stalled. I send an email to the broker asking for an explanation - it's polite, but asks why various things could not have happened more quickly and how they can resolve it now. I probably should have just left DH to it but I thought me chasing might move things along.

DH has exploded. He has called me stupid on about 5 separate occasions by phone and text. He said that the broker will think I am a moron and will not believe that I have an important job. He then said I am unfit for any kind of responsibility, that I am "mentally unstable" and that I should be in a psychiatric ward. He then put the tin lid on it by telling me that my mental state will make me an unfit mother. (We are going through IVF at the moment so I am a tad stressed anyway).

I practically wrote the book on imposter syndrome so I spend a lot of time telling myself how stupid, useless and fraudulent I am. To hear it from him has left me in a bit of a state. I am crying at work and can't stop shaking. Is this normal stressed DH behaviour caused by my interference? I feel as though he has crossed a line but I am doubting my mental capacity/fitness to have an opinion about anything now.

DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH HIM. I can't emphasise this enough. Don't do it.

I had four rounds of IVF and now have two children. The early years of having children makes IVF look like a walk in the park. You need to do that with a supportive and loving PARTNER and this man is not that.

I don't want to LTB but I don't know how to stop him behaving like this

You can't stop him. But you know that as well.
The actual issue is how much you are willing to put up with.

You can't stop him behaving like this - in the same way that you didn't cause it - he chose it

I'd call it quits now before you get any further involved with houses/mortgages/babies - what kind of a father would he be when he behaves like a twat?

Please don't think this is acceptable on any level. He may use the stress of what you're (both) going through but that is NO excuse! DH and I spent the best part of last year trying to buy a house - it is incredibly stressful (I can only imagine what adding IVF can do to that experience) but at no point does it become acceptable to behave as he has done.
Please rethink making such big commitments with this man. Thinking of you

Right so we all lose our tempers from time to time, and say hurtful things to those we love....

However Op when your Dh behaves like this and criticizes you, puts you down, goes off on one does he sincerely apologise and admits his bad behaviour?

If the answer is no and he feels fully justified in his "rant", "opinion" then you really have no prospect of a happy future together because believe me when the stresses and strains of parenthood come into the mix it will be a whole lot worse.

Think long, hard and very carefully. At the moment you have this lovely dream of home ownership and parenthood and it would be hard to give it up, but your dream could too easily turn into a nightmare.

btw - DH and I did IVF, moved house, got new jobs (his highly uncertain and not always getting paid) and suffered bereavement. All at the same time.

We still never behaved like this. Not even close.

I'd call it quits now before you get any further involved with houses/mortgages/babies
Too bloody right!
Abusers get worse when their partners are pregnant and then worse again once baby comes along and you are dependent on them.
Not with this guy FFS!
Please please don't do it.
I've no doubt you will carry on but please listen to these women who have been there (not me by the way) and are giving you great advise with hindsight!

Hopefully OP has switched off her phone to go for that long walk. From the instances here and I. The pub etc, it doesn't sound like a one off. I hope she finds support in RL

I don't know how to stop him behaving like this.

The only person that can stop himself behaving like this is himself.

His behaviour is so totally unacceptable - and the belittling of you by saying that your voice was the only voice anyone could hear in the pub made me so angry and hurt on your behalf.

I can not think of a single circumstance in which it would be okay to say these things to anyone.

If you really do want to stay with him then maybe sit down and try to stay calmly explaining how it is completely inappropriate to say such things someone, let alone a spouse and was there a reason for his outburst.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Please have confidence in yourself and be sure you actually want to stay with him. I would find this so hard to forgive. (Sorry if this sounds patronising or condescending but I think it's sometimes so hard to see how abnormal and abusive behaviour is when you are going through it).

This is not the first time he has behaved like this towards you. And the frequency with which he behaves like this is increasing. ( "often enough lately for me to be a bit concerned it might be a "thing" if that makes sense?" )

"I challenged him about the way he spoke to me and he said "these are facts". "
So, by 'facts' does he mean - "stupid" "a moron" "unfit for any kind of responsibility" "mentally unstable" "should be in a psychiatric ward" and "that my mental state will make me an unfit mother" ?

OldFarticus this man does not love you. He does not respect you. I would go so far as to say he actively dislikes you, possibly hates you. He is doing everything he can to make you unhappy, going for all your soft and vulnerable spots and hitting you as hard as he can.

I know you say you don't want to leave him. But please look at this situation as dispassionately as you can. Are these the actions of someone who loves you? No. Absolutely, no . So no matter how much you love him - and I would argue that you do not love him, but an illusion of him - this relationship CANNOT work.

You say it is Jekyll & Hyde. It really isn't. He thinks he owns you, and that it is 'safe' to drop the Mr. NiceGuy act and just be himself. This is who he really is. And when someone tells you who there are, believe them.

"I don't want to LTB but I don't know how to stop him behaving like this."
You CANNOT stop him behaving like this. Nothing you can do or say will have any effect. He controls his behaviour and he is choosing to behave like this. The only thing you can do is to either accept that the rest of your life is going to be this and worse - or to walk. Now, it's always possible that you walking will shock him into changing his behaviour, but it will only be temporary. Remember, this is who he really is. And previous posters have already raised the FACT that abusers ramp up their abuse during pregnancy and once the baby is born. Why? Because it's a vulnerable time and women find it harder to leave in those circumstances. He obviously feels IVF has made you vulnerable enough that he can relax and be himself now.

Please, please, please - stop and think. He's been chipping away at your self-confidence and self-esteem, making you doubt your own judgement. I think you need to get out of his influence and rebuild yourself. I wondered about your mention of 'imposter syndrome'. IMO almost all women suffer from that to a greater or lesser extent, but I wonder how much work he has put in to reinforcing it.

The only positives I can find in your posts are that you should find it relatively easy, in practical terms, to disentangle yourself from this abuser. You do not yet have children with him (tying you to him for at least 18 years), or a house that would need to be sold. Silver linings . It would be wiser to ensure that this remains the case.

Is this normal stressed DH behaviour caused by my interference?

Interference?

When you are making a joint mortgage application?

Have you received any response from the broker about the reason for the delays? Sounds like he is very stressed because you are making contact with the broker, and you may discover things he doesn't want you to know.

There are no extenuating circumstances. Totally unacceptable behaviour. Get somewhere safe. Quickly.

Goodness. Came back to this thread and wondered what on earth I'd said, before realising there was a different Lottie on here!

he is threatened by your intelligence , jealous of your job , wishes he cd lock you up in a mental asylum ,will undermine you as a mother if you have a child with him. Please go for counselling without him , put the ivf on hold , thank god for holding up the mortgage application, withdraw from the sale, secure your own money and get free of this abuser. Give god thanks for sending you such a clear unmistakeable warning that this is not the man for you. This not normal,op.

Treat this as timely warning and re-think your future with this person. His actions have been inexcusable.

Are you 'allowed' to make decisions normally? He seems controlling.

You cannot make him change. Only he can do that.

It is your mortgage too and you are more than within your rights to contact your broker. I spent half the time before we bought this house on the phone trying to get things sorted - if my OH has said those things to me I'd have cancelled the purchase there and then.

Which you should do. And stop the IVF. You do not want to have a child with this man.

OP THIS IS YOUR WAKE UP CALL

THIS IS YOUR GET OUT OF JAIL CARD

THIS IS A WHOLE COUNTRY OF STREETS WITH BUNTING OF RED FLAGS

THIS IS YOUR GUT INSTINCT TRYING TO COMMUNICATE WITH YOU

DO NOT EVEN THINK OF HAVING A BABY WITH THIS MAN

STOP THE IVF

DO NOT GET A MORTGAGE WITH THIS MAN

ZERO TOLERANCE TO BEING BADLY TREATED

Or you will regret it for the rest of your life.

If you cannot protect yourself from such terrible, unwarranted abuse then fgs do not bring a baby into this sorry equation.

No my DH has never called me stupid, or a moron or words to that effect. I have never called him them. It sounds like there is lack of respect on your DHs part.

If I had sent that email to the broker my DH would have said oh excellent, have they replied?

I'm so sorry this has happened, but better now than after you've had children. There's nothing that you could have said, done or been that could have justified this. He's not 'stressed' enough that he can't control his temper with the broker. I can't believe he thinks this is reasonable. It's not. It's just abusive. You sound intelligent and successful. He sounds like he has problems that he needs to sort out for himself. Don't let him bring you down.

Buy a house with this man and you are buying into years of abuse and misery. Don't do it and don't put future children into this situation.

He responded to you calling him out on his abuse by saying his insults were "facts", did I read that right?

So it's a "fact" you'd be an unfit mother, is it?

There's only one of you unfit to be a patent, op, and it's not you.

But that's what he really thinks of you - not in the heat of the moment but after, when he's coolly emailing the broker.

You deserve so much better than him. As do any kids you choose to have.

Be strong x

Never in a million years would my dh speak to me like that and neither would I to him.

Don't allow yourself to be treated like this, it's neither right nor normal. A relationship is a partnership between equals based on mutual love and respect, that is not a description that could be applied to what you have described.

Oh and keep his dreadful texts, I have a feeling they may come in useful before long.