Unreasonable to be upset at being called stupid and a moron by "D"H

[OldFarticus]

We are purchasing a house (or trying to). Mortgage offer has been delayed and the process has stalled. I send an email to the broker asking for an explanation - it's polite, but asks why various things could not have happened more quickly and how they can resolve it now. I probably should have just left DH to it but I thought me chasing might move things along.

DH has exploded. He has called me stupid on about 5 separate occasions by phone and text. He said that the broker will think I am a moron and will not believe that I have an important job. He then said I am unfit for any kind of responsibility, that I am "mentally unstable" and that I should be in a psychiatric ward. He then put the tin lid on it by telling me that my mental state will make me an unfit mother. (We are going through IVF at the moment so I am a tad stressed anyway).

I practically wrote the book on imposter syndrome so I spend a lot of time telling myself how stupid, useless and fraudulent I am. To hear it from him has left me in a bit of a state. I am crying at work and can't stop shaking. Is this normal stressed DH behaviour caused by my interference? I feel as though he has crossed a line but I am doubting my mental capacity/fitness to have an opinion about anything now.

That is awful.

"but then he sent me several texts ramming the point home!"

Just read that a few times.

The first text should have been a bloody great apology.

Not "kicking someone when they are down".

Yes, vicious-that's exactly it.

Why would he want to stop? What will stop him?

That must have been a shock if he doesn't normally sound so belittling and superior.

Or if you look back is he the type that stifles anything he sees as a challenge to alpha male image, "Really DW, the status quo works for me so it unquestionably works for you?"

You deserve equality in this partnership. It seems perfectly reasonable to contact a third party without running it by him first.

Don't let him justify that rudeness with talk of a phenomenally busy week or extreme pressure. If he's coping with a ton of stress that doesn't give him the right to be so insulting!

Weirdly he is copying me onto emails to the broker where he appears calm and rational. I challenged him about the way he spoke to me and he said "these are facts".

I know it's not acceptable, but the Jekyll & Hyde act is pretty convincing. I htink I might switch my phone off an go for a looong walk.

Thank you for the replies

My experience of bad behaviour is that it is rarely one-off thing. It'll rear its ugly head time and again and may get worse.
Your DH's behaviour is utterly atrocious, shameful and completely unacceptable. And he'll do it again.

You say you are "far from perfect" OP. That describes ALL of us. Most of us get by with love, support and friendship. Your DH sounds lacking in this department.

You deserve better.

It is so unacceptable and over the top that it seems defensive. I wouldn't be surprised if you weren't about to find out something serious about the process (although he may be rushing around now trying to make sure you don't).

Regardless of the reason, there is no excuse for it and you know that already. I am very sorry you were subjected to it, and you really can't live your life not knowing when the next outburst will be. And in the absence of sincere repentance, apology and counselling, it will happen again. Your gut reaction is telling you you shouldn't tolerate this. I know it must seem like a big step at this stage in your relationship - and it is - but your gut reaction is right.

Run now, please, this will only get worse.

Honestly, it's your DH who sounds mentally unstable. You're speaking to a mortgage broker, not some kind of archangel with omnipotent power. It's not like this is 'in their gift' - it's the banks who will be saying yes or no. And whether they 'believe' you have an important job or not is completely beside the point - you can evidence your status and earnings, right?

I am actually wondering whether your application is delayed because he's the imposter in some way, not you.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. If you're having IVF you need hugs and extra niceness - not someone calling you 'mentally unstable'. I also get alarm bells when you say that after his last outburst 'He was then lovely for a few weeks ...' I agree with Smells that you deserve better.

They are not facts.

You are not an idiot, or a moron and I very much doubt the broker would think that of you.

I bought a house with my partner 2 months ago... I dealt with the broker and the solicitor for the most part. My emails were full of smiley faces, signing off with 'Hope you have an awesome weekend' and I KNOW I asked some 'silly' questions as I wasn't clear on parts of the process.

Unlike your partner, mine didn't call me any names - In the entire time we've been together, even when arguing.. he's never once called me 'stupid' or a 'moron' .

You sound like a very capable and lovely person, so it's a shame that you feel he could even have the potential to be correct. I've also read a lot of books on 'The imposter syndrome' and totally get it as I feel that one day, people are going to wake up and think 'Why is she in the job she is?' ... But you are, and you wouldn't still be there if you weren't good!

He sounds like a very unfit Father and I would urge you very carefully not to have a child with him.

Didn't see where she said about unfit parent. A flippant comment and some text arguing isn't as bad as 'leave him'.
I did say if it's a regular thing, then it's an issue.

There is nothing you could do that would make him not act this way. If he wanted to stop acting this way, maybe he could, but we've seen no evidence that he does. This isn't a normal response to someone screwing up or stepping on his toes by doing something he was supposed to do. It would be normal for him to be slightly annoyed, but this isn't even in the same universe as slightly annoyed. Don't have a child with him unless he seriously changes his ways. Kids screw things up, it's part of how they learn. Would you want him blowing up at a child like this?

Your interference? This is your life! How dare he make you feel like you're not worthy to make decisions about your life. He sounds horrible and deserving of a kick in the crotch...

And I am not an anti woman spambot

It sounds like he's picked everything your vulnerable about and rammed on about them.

Of course your clever and capable, you do your job, they chose to employ you, they choose to continually employ you. I have no doubt he knows your more than capable but likes to keep you in your place - beneath him.

I know you said you don't want to LTB but how about delaying the IVF and house move?

Well it sound to me as if he's already done a number on you: you clearly already see yourself as stupid and useless and now he's got you doubting your mental capacity.

Mortgage applications and house purchases frequently stall. Sometimes you need to chivy them along to get things moving again - I was selling and buying a house just under a year ago and had to chase my solicitor all the time before he would get going on things. I can't see how you've done anything wrong in wanting to know what's going on with the brokers. It's your mortgage too.

Even if you had caused a problem with the broker, your H's manner is horrible, bullying and spiteful.

I think you'd be better off sending another email to the broker telling them you're withdrawing your part of the application, ccing it to your H and then following it up with an email to him telling him you need to reconsider this joint purchase.

He's an abusive bully. Think very carefully before you tie yourself to him financially and through a child. This will only get worse.

OK. There is nothing in your behaviour that you can change and that can explain/avoid him reacting in this way.

Him telling you you are unstable and whatever is HIS choice and his responsibility, NOT yours.

I do get that trying to buy a house is stressful. AND that doing an IVF is even more stressful so maybe both at the same time is a bit much for anyone).
But his behaviour is not acceptable and nothing can explain why he 'lost the lot and call you names in this way'.

His behaviour is in no way due to your interference. He will probably tell you so but that's forgetting that he, and only he, is responsible of his actions. He can also chose to say 'Oh so you've contacted the broker. Thank you for that. Did you also ask them if xxx?'

to you. I'm getting the feeling you need that justy right now.

OldFarticus
The Jekyll and Hyde act is a pretty common feature of abusers. If he hadn't been charming when you first met him you wouldn't have started the relationship. If he was nasty all the time; you wouldn't stay. If he was vile to everyone; then you would have probably walked a long time ago. The nice/nasty cycle keeps you off balance and has you doubting your own feelings (and sanity).

He has gone right for the things you are insecure about, hasn't he? He is cruel and abusive.

Please don't buy a house and have children with this man.

You have a chance to leave him now. Please take it.

And look forward to a lovely, abuse free life.

It's not you it's him. There are 2 explanations. One is that your contacting the broker could expose something about him or his finances. The other is that he's an abusive arse. Please think about leaving.

Even when stressed and at our worst, DH and I have never said things like this to each other.

What I find worrying is that your DH has not said what specifically what was counter-productive or inaccurate or damaging about the letter, he has just belittled you in completely unacceptable ways.

Can I ask, would you have responded similarly if he'd written to your solicitor? I bet the answer is no.

As for I don't want to LTB but I don't know how to stop him behaving like this, I am afraid you can't stop him doing it. There is no 'good girl' magic formula that will suddenly prevent him from acting like a bully. He has to stop himself.

Please have a serious talk with him about this behaviour. Don't settle for him dismissing it and being nice. He really does need to acknowledge it is wrong and tell how he intends to stop himself doing it.

Believe me, you do not want to have dcs with a Jekyll and Hyde character. Been there, done that, and I'm glad to have my dd, but I bitterly regret having landed her with the father she has.

Imagine yourself in a few years' time, with him calling you these names in front of your child. It's miserable, I can tell you that. Don't do it, OP.

This turned out to be a bad move
Actually, I think this has turned out to be a great move. Talk about a wake up call.

Oh.My.Fucking.God. but he is abusive.

Let's pretend that you suck this up, get railroaded into an apology a mortgage and a child with this man. Let's suppose that you have a daughter and she grows up living with this man as her father or worse still a son who turns into him. Do you want to have a child who will be bullied and abused her entire life and watch you be on the receiving end of the same?

I'd be taking the rest of the day off work, plus tomorrow and spend the rest of the day making arrangements to move out tomorrow. Ensure that your savings are safe and inaccessible to your partner/husband. Contact your payroll team to ensure that your salary is paid to a different account this month if it currently goes into a joint account. They'll huff and puff but they can put an emergency stop on the transfer and do a manual one.

Bide your time, contact the broker when you are out and you are safe. If you can, go and stay with someone and put your husband on speaker phone if necessary.

I can't think of any but there may be extenuating reasons your husband has gone off the deep end and thinks its acceptable to treat you in this way. Mortgage applications can be made another time though I would be concerned at your Jekyll and Hyde comment. I think you have seen shades of this two-faced behaviour before. Take note of this HUGE red flag waving in your face.

Even the most stressed, angry and upset person is able to stop themselves from sending an email attacking their partner. If he's capable of emailing the broker calmly, then he's capable of emailing you calmly. He is choosing to behave like this towards you.

I have never had DH talk to me like that, or send me abusive emails or anything. Nor would he ever say something deliberately designed to upset me and make me feel insecure. He is not a saint, and nor am I. We are able to argue and be thoughtless in many different ways, but neither of us would EVER behave like that. It is totally unacceptable behavior. Even once is too often.

Your DH is treating you like this because he wants to. It doesn't matter what you do or say, he will treat you like this whenever he wants to.

If he's stressed at work, does he scream at his boss and call him a moron? Has he emailed abuse to the broker? Sworn at the IVF doctors? He isn't reacting to stress and lashing out at the people in those situations, he's being a nasty bastard who thinks he can treat you like shit and you'll just let him get on with it.

Of course he'll be nice to you for a while. IF you leave him, he won't have anyone to yell at. You need to stay for him to scream abuse at, that's what he wants you for. So he'll hold out long enough until he thinks he can get away with it again, then have another go at you about something else. Which he will also say is your fault.

You are absolutely right to think he crossed a line. He did that the first time he made a comment about you being stupid, or not very bright. He's now so far over the line that there is no way back. Either accept that this will be your life, with him screaming abuse at you, or get away from him. The only way to change how he behaves towards you is to be too far away to hear him.