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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Unreasonable to be upset at being called stupid and a moron by "D"H

251 replies

OldFarticus · 23/02/2016 14:36

We are purchasing a house (or trying to). Mortgage offer has been delayed and the process has stalled. I send an email to the broker asking for an explanation - it's polite, but asks why various things could not have happened more quickly and how they can resolve it now. I probably should have just left DH to it but I thought me chasing might move things along.

DH has exploded. He has called me stupid on about 5 separate occasions by phone and text. He said that the broker will think I am a moron and will not believe that I have an important job. He then said I am unfit for any kind of responsibility, that I am "mentally unstable" and that I should be in a psychiatric ward. He then put the tin lid on it by telling me that my mental state will make me an unfit mother. (We are going through IVF at the moment so I am a tad stressed anyway).

I practically wrote the book on imposter syndrome so I spend a lot of time telling myself how stupid, useless and fraudulent I am. To hear it from him has left me in a bit of a state. I am crying at work and can't stop shaking. Is this normal stressed DH behaviour caused by my interference? I feel as though he has crossed a line but I am doubting my mental capacity/fitness to have an opinion about anything now.

OP posts:
georgetteheyersbonnet · 23/02/2016 15:06

What you are describing is verbal abuse. I hate to say it, but this is a red flag, OP. Domestic abuse (which can be verbal and emotional as much as physical) often starts during pregnancy, so the fact that you are going through IVF is significant here.

If you H can say these things to you now; he will have no compunction about saying them to you when you are pregnant, have a newborn, are vulnerable - all times when you should be protected and respected, not treated to verbal abuse.

You should consult your gut instinct and see whether you think he is really the right person to settle with. Flowers

ouryve · 23/02/2016 15:06

You can't stop him behaving like that. NOTHING you can do will stop him from find an excuse to put you down or find fault with you.

Only he can choose not to do that and he's not going to do that as long as you think for yourself.

So you could, maybe, only ever do things as you have pre-arranged with him. That won't be good enough for him, though. He will still find some way in which you break the rules. Eventually, your life will become very small indeed and you'll probably have found yourself with very few friends you can lean on, out of touch with your family and probably not financially self sufficient before it dawns on you that this is not what you wanted in life.

And STILL, he will find fault with you and let you know about it in the most unkind ways imaginable.

Jibberjabberjooo · 23/02/2016 15:06

Abuse often escalates during pregnancy too, OP.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 23/02/2016 15:09

You can't stop him behaving like this because he wants to behave like this. He enjoys calling you names and embarressing you in public because it makes him feel superior.

Do you feel like his equal?
Do you change your behaviour to avoid a negative reaction from him?
Are you walking on eggshells waiting for the next put down or explosion?
Do you put his needs before yours?

Lancelottie · 23/02/2016 15:09

What does it matter if you're less than perfect? What he has said is in NO way excused by that.

I think it's a good thing that you didn't run the message by him. This tiny incident has allowed him to show his true colours - he's a total tit when anything's not under his control.

Dump. Or ponder for a while, have a cup of tea, then dump.

ComeonSummer1 · 23/02/2016 15:10

I wonder if he's got something to hide too as his reaction is ridiculous and cruel.

I think you stepped out of his control by sending the email and he doesn't like it.

Op please run. He's not good got you this man.

Lancelottie · 23/02/2016 15:10

(one of my good friends is currently trying to work out how to disentangle herself, her life, her three boys and her house from a total tit at the moment, which is not where you want to be in 15 years' time)

OfaFrenchmind2 · 23/02/2016 15:11

It will sound horribly insensitive OP, but the feeling is real: this is good you have no children with this man yet because it can make you having your independence easier, if you want to LTB.
You do not deserve in any circumstance to be treated like that. Do not try to shift the blame back to you, do not try to rationalise: He is behaving in a very abusive way, and you have everything on your side to take back control: a job, no financial obligation like a mortgage, and no dependants.

ComeonSummer1 · 23/02/2016 15:11

And if he's telling you his friends are clever and you are thick!!! Really?? What a fucking knob.

Diamogs · 23/02/2016 15:12

YY he is abusive. Honestly OP think of this as a blessing - see him for who he is and how he will treat you and then get out of this toxic relationship.

STBXH even does not treat me like this, and why should he? We may be in the throes of divorce but he wouldn't treat any human being like this.

Yet this is your "D" H who thinks it is acceptable to speak to you like that???

TubbyTabby · 23/02/2016 15:12

LTB.
seriously. he'll only get worse.

Lottie2611 · 23/02/2016 15:12

Sounds like he's stressed. Unless this happens all the time?
You should have run it by him first as as a couple

Aeroflotgirl · 23/02/2016 15:13

Oh my goodness that is awful op, and really emotionally abusive. I would contact Woman's Aid, do not think of having any kids with this man, and think carefully about buying a home with him.

Jibberjabberjooo · 23/02/2016 15:13

You can't spend your life treading on eggshells, moderating your own behaviour in the hope he doesn't explode at you. It's not normal behaviour in a loving relationship. He chooses to speak to you like this.

Out2pasture · 23/02/2016 15:14

OP you are an adult. You can speak to whoever you want, whenever and wherever you want. No one needs someone else's "permission" to speak. Asking the questions you have with the person in question is the right thing. You should have to have a go between.
Your H has crossed a line, HE is obviously struggling.

Aeroflotgirl · 23/02/2016 15:14

No, my dh has never said anything of the sort, yes he has called me an idiot on a couple of occasions, when I lost the house keys or broke a few things, but he has never said anything like that. If he did, he would not be my dh for very long.

gamerchick · 23/02/2016 15:15

Pull out of all things that would tie you to this man. Stay with him if you want but don't inflict this on a child.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 23/02/2016 15:15

Lottie
Have you ever sent someone you care about multiple abusive messages when stressed? Have you told them they have mental health problems and they will be an unfit parent?

There is stressed and there is abusive. Persistant name calling and putdowns is not stressed.

Aeroflotgirl · 23/02/2016 15:15

Go on the Freedom Programme too.

ToastDemon · 23/02/2016 15:15

Leave him. He's absolutely vicious.
Oh and don't listen to Lottie she's some weird anti-woman spambot.

ComeonSummer1 · 23/02/2016 15:19

Lottie

Ridiculous post. Do you act like that when you are stressed? If you do Shame on you.

OfaFrenchmind2 · 23/02/2016 15:19

ToastDemon must be his mum.

Aeroflotgirl · 23/02/2016 15:19

lottie, why should she! That is no excuse to explain the vile vitriol op received from her so called dh!

OfaFrenchmind2 · 23/02/2016 15:20

Not you ToastDemon obviously, Lottie.

Jengnr · 23/02/2016 15:20

Walk. Away. Now.

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