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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this woman taking the proverbial, or am I actually unreasonable?

387 replies

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 23/02/2016 12:07

Invited DD1s friend over for a play date in half term, and we were expecting her at 10. At 11.30 there was still no sign, so I sent mum a text asking if friend was still coming. Mum said yes, but could she now stay the night as something had come up and she didn't have anyone else to ask.

Her DD has never been here before, but DD1 likes her so I said yes, no problem, ad generally I am happy to help people in a bind, though I was a bit Hmm that she was happy to leave her DD with people she's never met overnight.

Friend came, the girls had a great time and we're good as gold. All good. Roll on for friend to be collected, and the mother texts to say she'll be over at 8 now not 6 - ok fine, no problem for me, and girls are happy.

This is where I'm not sure if being a cow or of mum is BU. 10 mins after leaving here she asks if I can have her DD overnight this Monday , as again something had come up- I said ok and hadher DD from after school mon and dropped her at school this morning, thinking that was the end of the matter. Only it wasn't - she's just text me and asked for me to have her again after school and overnight tomorrow.

I've said no. I might be being unreasonable, because technically there isn't really any reason why she can't come, I just feel a bit of a habit forming and don't want to fall into that trap. No actual reasons have been given for the need for me to have her, just 'something has come up'.

Her DD is lovely, but DD2 is in teething hell and when she's staying over I'm anxious the crying might leave her tired for school, so find it difficult to relax, and my DD doesn't sleep as well as she's not used to sharing a room, which is absolutely fine for the occasional night but I really don't want her knackered come the end of the week as we are away for the weekend and it'll be crap if she's grumpy.

Please tell me I'm not being horrible and that you would have said no too?! Blush

OP posts:
LovelyFriend · 23/02/2016 17:20

Wow she really thinks you are her unpaid childminder/PA doesn't she? Shock

Keep saying NO OP.

I would certainly provide this kind of thing for a friend to help her out (and I know several Mums at the school who wold do the same for me), but all these regular requests from a stranger is something else.

(BTW I'm a single mum and there is no way I'd try this kind of shite on random people - just saying! There was another thread this week about kids being dumped on strangers by a Mum and she WAS married!)

mummymafia · 23/02/2016 17:31

This might have been said but why not say that you don't do sleepovers in term time? This is my rule & I stick to it. DCs are too knackered otherwise. Then come the holidays say you are away, have other play dates etc if she hasn't gone off the boil & found someone else to pester. Surely she has friends at school/locally who she could ask to help? Maybe she doesn't want them to know as she has her 'legs in the air' as a previous post suggested. Me thinks something has come up! Fnar, Fnar! You are definitely being taken advantage of. Don't worry what she thinks.

wannaBe · 23/02/2016 17:35

Have to say my first thought was that she was a single parent and was using the opportunity to have her DD stay out so she could see a new man.

I think that Social Services referral is extreme and it's unlikely they would do anything. After all what do you say? "My DD's friend has been to stay and I'm concerned that the mum has asked me to have her again twice since at short notice." The strangers argument is a bit of a red herring really, while I wouldn't necessarily just have let my DC go for sleepovers at strangers' houses at that age, when I was growing up I went to boarding school from the age of five, and going to someone else's house for the weekend was fairly common place and our parents didn't know each other other than exchanging phone numbers because they lived at opposite ends of the country. Yet it wasn't uncommon for this to happen.

I might go and have a word with the school and just say that you were wondering if there are any potential issues as this woman has latched on to you as overnight childcare and you imagine that you can't be the first. If there are any issues the school may be aware of them, or they may be able to keep an eye out.

foodiefil · 23/02/2016 17:55

This actually sounds like a social services issue. Do you have any other mutual friends? What kind of person is she? Do you think the child could be at risk?

Sounds like you've already been very patient with this 'mother'.

foodiefil · 23/02/2016 17:55

Social services would take it seriously and visit the family home to make sure everything was ok.

LizKeen · 23/02/2016 18:00

I know someone like this. She left her 4 month old son with a friend of a friend she had never met before. As in, she was at her friends house and this other woman called in, and the next thing she was asking the new woman could she have the baby for the afternoon. She had already asked the friend, who said no, because she is wise to her now. I am friends with the first friend, which is how I know.

When her older DD calls to my house to play (we are neighbours) she just drives off, doesn't ask or tell me where she is going or how long she will be. She doesn't even really know that I definitely have her DD either. A couple of times she has come to the door thinking the DD was here and she wasn't. She was away for two hours one day that we did have her DD, and we had to feed her DD dinner with us. Which we don't mind doing, but it was the fact she didn't ask and we had no idea where she was or when she would be back.

Aside from that, there is always someone, a grandparent, or a friend, calling at the house to either pick up or drop off the kids. Its bonkers. The kids are just farmed out to who ever will take them.

I have never understood how some people have the neck on them to actually ask these things and act as though the world owes them something.

Hulababy · 23/02/2016 18:02

Sleepovers on a school night are a definite no no unless it is a proper emergency type situation. And then it would normally only be a close friend/family.

If it continues it may be worth having a quiet word with the teacher. They can then log it and keep an eye/ear out for the child's welfare. Things like this an help build up a bigger picture in some cases.

Original poster
Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 23/02/2016 19:08

I think you lot are right about the chold protection issue and I'll mention it to the school.

She's text AGAIN, saying she's arranged something else for tomorrow now, but she's struggling for Friday Shock

I'm starting to get a bit cross now,both on my behalf and her DD'S. This is beyond a joke now Sad

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 23/02/2016 19:11

Can you block her number?

Goingtobeawesome · 23/02/2016 19:13

So it isn't that something has come up unexpectedly then if she already knows she doesn't want to look after her child in three days time.

Sometimesithinkimbonkers · 23/02/2016 19:19

Just text back ... Good luck with your arrangements for Friday Hun xxx
Fuck off

HeartShapedBox · 23/02/2016 19:19

I'd text her back with a bit more bite this time , OP.

sheesh, how thick-skinned is she? No means no, ffs. Poor wee girl, her mum just can't be arsed with her at all.

Waltermittythesequel · 23/02/2016 19:20

You either need to be quite abrupt now or completely ignore her.

Otherwise she won't stop!

emotionsecho · 23/02/2016 19:22

and on Friday she'll want you to have her dd for the whole weekend....

If you had collected her dd as requested from Club today I would bet my house that you would suddenly be receiving texts saying she couldn't leave the hospital/friend, could you just feed her dd, then, oh dear still at hospital with friend, can't leave, could you just have her overnight and get her to school tomorrow, and repeat ad naseum.

I think you may need to send a concise and strongly worded text to stop this.

YouTheCat · 23/02/2016 19:22

I'd text her 'I am not your child care provider, please fuck off'.

JolseBaby · 23/02/2016 19:23

Text back:

Are you joking? I invited to play because the girls are friendly, not to become your backup childcare. Please stop asking me, because this is becoming awkward and embarrassing now.

OnlyLovers · 23/02/2016 19:26

Just block her number. Ignore her.

GeneHuntsMistress · 23/02/2016 19:29

What Jolsebaby said.

With bells on.

cashewnutty · 23/02/2016 19:30

Blimey, she is a cheeky mare!

Don't call SS. They are not interested. (SW here)

CaptainCrunch · 23/02/2016 19:34

Block her number, she's a user, if it wasn't you it would be someone else she was pestering the life out of. Agree SS will not be interested.

eddielizzard · 23/02/2016 19:34

please can you string her along for our edification? Grin

SianiMoomin · 23/02/2016 19:35

I think I'd text back "what exactly do you need childcare for every evening? If you're working you need to pay for a childminder."

KinkyAfro · 23/02/2016 19:37

Jolsebaby response is perfect, send that

AcrossthePond55 · 23/02/2016 19:39

Oh yes, what siani says! She'll either tell you or never text you again for fear that you'll keep asking.

gleekster · 23/02/2016 19:41

That poor child - Just stick to your guns no matter what she says.