To think I shouldn't have to juggle housework as well as looking after clingy baby and ask how much you do on mat-leave?

[Sunrock]

Honest opinions please!

We have a 6-month-old DS.

Every time DH and I argue he brings it up that I don't do enough housework. He considers it 'part of being on mat leave'.

I argue that I'm holding a grizzling teething refluxy baby 90% of the time I'm home! He cries after 5-10mins in bouncer. Even when being cuddled he wants constant interaction and games or jiggling and rocking. DH thinks this is my fault for carrying him in sling so much when he was tiny

We go out every day otherwise I'm crying by noon as the constant grizzling shreds my nerves! He loves being in buggy and rarely cries when out. We meet friends, go for lunch, coffee, long walks, groups, classes, baby cinema etc and he is happy. He naps well in loud busy places. I understand why DH thinks I have a great life while he is stuck at work in an office feeling stressed but if I don't go out I feel like I'm going mad.

At home I can't get much done. I can only eat if I sit shaking a rattle. I sing and dance and talk to him while doing basic jobs but he still cries half the time.

Every day I load/unload dishwasher, wipe kitchen surfaces, do laundry. Every few days I cook and make a big salad but in between we eat ready meals or freezer food or takeaway. Once a week I hoover, wipe down sinks, empty bins etc. Bedlinen and towels get changed approx fortnightly. Once a month I clean bathrooms and hob, usually while DH watches DS at weekend as I don't like spraying chemicals near him.

If it's relevant I also do all night feeds (approx every 2-3hours). DS is in bed by time DH gets home from work and I go to bed a couple of hours after DS as I'm shattered.

AIBU to do so little housework? I told DH I want him to do some and he said mat leave isn't just about taking care of the baby but running a household too! He thinks it's U for him to help but I feel we are both responsible for keeping house clean! He stays up late every night having time to himself, I don't see why he can't take 10mins to empty the dishwasher or tidy up a bit! AIBU?

I'm tempted to just get a cleaner. I'm so tired and when DH watches DS at weekend I don't want to spend all my time off cleaning!

I did a lot less when my DD was 6 months! She had reflux too so you couldn't put her down. She's still like it now, reflux has cleared up but she loves being held and walked about! I only managed to do a bit more now because she can crawl.

Yanbu! Your DH sounds really unsupportive. Why can't he cook dinner and help with housework?!

What did he used to do before you were on mat leave?

Why isn't he still doing some or all of that?

In answer to the question, I hoover every few days. Maybe I overdo it but if I can see the dirt I want it gone!

Shared parental leave is the future by the way. That's what we did/are doing, my DH was off for the first three months with me so does have a better understanding than the average dad of what the early months with a baby entail, plus we had two pairs of hands for the days when it was really tough. It's too late for you now but I would massively recommend it to anyone. There is enormous benefit to the dad and baby too.

He still thinks I should do more hoovering though...

I'd also like to know where your DH got this information from:

he said mat leave isn't just about taking care of the baby but running a household too

Is that in a leaflet you get from the hospital? Or is it on the government website? Or is it in advice you get from the HV? Or is it on information you get from your employers? Is it a condition of maternity leave and if you don't do it, you loose some of your payment?

Just curious really as to what authority he got this gem of wisdom from, and I'd like to take an evidence based approach as to where he got the idea from.

Plus can you ask him so it can be shared on MN so we can all learn from it, as it seems many of us here aren't aware of the rules about household upkeep.

For me personally running the home was part of maternity leave/SAHM.

However my babies have all been easy and if I was attached to a crying baby all day my husband would not think anything of splitting the chores 50/50. He certainly would not make disparaging comments about what I managed to do.

Most people cannot afford a cleaner especially when on maternity leave.

Does your husband do any chores? Who does the bathroom I between your monthly clean?

So he's telling you what you need to do on maternity leave, and how to be a better mum (sling = clinginess)?

You need to tell him how to do his job better and how to be a better dad (eg by helping the mum, doing some night feeds etc).

Fucking twat. These threads make me so so angry. Who the hell do these men think they are???

Have a few more in quick succession... he'll do anything for you to go out with them all for a few hours ;-)

I've got an almost 6 month old baby too. She's got reflux and i feel like I spend all day cleaning up sick. I do the basic stuff that needs doing daily when she's sleeping, varies from 20 minutes to an hour at the moment. If I don't have time during nap I put her on the blanket with some toys. She can entertain herself for about ten minutes before she starts crying. I do it in fits and starts as and when I have time. If I get time to do anything else then that's a bonus. I have a rota so each room gets cleaned each week in theory. It doesn't always go to plan. I try and prepare as much as I can for dinner in advance or if I can't wait for Dp to get home. Dp pitches in when he's home. He washes up every night and puts Dd to bed. On weekends he will help with whatever needs doing. He knows better than to moan about the housework not being done.

At the end of the day he is your husband and therefore must have a certain level of respect for you. If you say this is all that I can do whilst caring for a baby he has to accept that and split the rest of the chores with you.

DH thinks this is my fault for carrying him in sling so much when he was tiny

This line pisses me off. It seems to be a favourite tactic with dickhead men. Pick on something from the past that you know your partner can't do anything about, and gleefully beat her over the head with it.

Some babies will not accept slings. That's just how it is. And no, maternity leave has nothing to do with housework - it's about preparing to have your baby, recovering after the birth and bonding with and caring for the baby. It has fuck all to do with hoovering. If he's living in the house he should be contributing to cleaning it. You didn't morph into his maid when you gave birth.

Is there any chance he can take paternal leave, so he can have fun being attached to a crying baby all day?

Get a cleaner and enjoy your mat leave.

Are you breastfeeding OP? Is your husband able to have your baby for a day or even better a weekend so that he can understand.

He thinks he's in the 1950's. Better have his pipe and slippers ready for when he finishes work.

Or alternatively he can be a modern man and pull his weight.

How much housework does he get done whilst looking after the baby at the weekend?

I think you might be being a bit unreasonable. Although you DH sounds a bit too.

Ok, I'm playing devils advocate here but it does sound like you go out a lot and have fun with friends so couldn't you use a quick half an hour once your DS has gone to sleep in the evening to blitz clean. Only doing the bathrooms once a month seems a bit

Also, why can't you let your DH have the baby for a few hours at the weekend while you blitz clean. If he doesn't see his son all week then it seems like it would be ideal as he would get to hang out with his child and you could sort the house out.

What if you spent the money you spend on 'classes', lunch, takeouts, coffees, baby cinema and ready meals on getting a cleaner.

Do you invite friends around to your house? I used to find it a brilliant way to motivate myself to clean the house. They wouldn't have cared what my house was like but I liked to use it as a reason to clean.

BTW. I went out every day too with my DC - My friends were hugely important to me so I'm not suggesting you stay home or anything like that.

Leave DS with him for a day and go out and treat yourself. I bet you'll come home to a shit pit.

Babies vary. Some are easy, some aren't. Same goes for husbands. Some are gems, some are twunts. Yours sounds like he needs a wee dose of reality and a big ol' kick up the arse.

Go have a spa day. See how well he fares

I don't think you should feel any guilt at being out and about. You should enjoy your child.

My DH made a similar comment when I was on Mat Leave with DC1. Whilst I was in the middle of severe PND. My CPN ripped him a new one.

Now I'm on mat leave with DC2 and an almost 4 year old. My main aim is to keep the baby alive and not have DC1 watching CBeebies all day, anything else is a bonus. Once in the last 5 months DH started to suggest a list of jobs for me to do but I think he remembered his telling off from last time and promptly stopped!

Most of our housework gets done at the weekend, usually by me as I want a break from the children.

It's every time you argue that your apparent lack of housework is brought up. This sounds quite typical of arguments to me. The broken down record of the same rantings. I wonder what you are perhaps accusing him of, if anything? Sounds like you are both pretty stressed out. Could you try and have some family time at the weekends whereby you can do something happy or relaxing togethrr so you can perhaps discuss niggles without getting angry with each other and share some enjoyable experiences. A baby completely alters 'normal' life and it takes a lot of adjusting to. If somehow you can work together as a team, this difficult road could become a little easier and you could iron out difficulties more constructively and become a stronger family unit.

Also, why can't you let your DH have the baby for a few hours at the weekend while you blitz clean.

How about your Dh has the baby and cleans at the same time. Fairs fair, he expects you to do it so let him do it on a weekend instead of just "watching Ds"

Also your Dh could batch cook too when he comes in from work, or on a weekend.

I have a lovely and very supportive husband who rolled up his sleeves the second he came home. I am incredibly grateful for this having had 2 reflux babies. Ds2 grew out of refluxing aged 8. Yes 8 years old, not months.

Thanks everyone!

Refreshing to know I'm not BU to expect him to pitch in.

He does take DS for a few hours at weekends but that's the only time I have 'off' and since we're in a sleep regression I'd rather nap than clean. When DS goes to bed I'm busy making dinner/hanging up wet laundry/cleaning up patches of sick and other essential things so all less-urgent jobs get left.

DH says my 'time off' is when I'm out with DS, doing fun things with him or while he naps. I admit socialising, classes, walks etc are fun but I'm still on-duty. I can never fully relax or switch off. I can't sit and daydream or get my hair done or take a nap. And classes are as much for his benefit as mine. I see it as a perk of the job (like DH's hour-long uninterrupted lunch break and gym breaks) rather than 'time off'. Oh and DH keeps saying mat leave is 'not a proper job'!

Thanks for cleaning tips. I do use Dettol wipes but they don't get the grime off or cut through grease. I mainly use them for wiping changing mats and toys.

I agree with posters saying its grim to only clean bathrooms and hob once a month yes I am embarrassed for people to visit there's a build-up of limescale, mound in shower, floors need mopping etc. I'm fed up of getting grit in the bed after walking on kitchen floor and when I'm BF I keep looking at the skirting boards and fluff build up around edges of carpet and it bothers me. I asked DH to take hoover apart and clean filters as its not suctioning well, his response was its my job Great, it's really practical to take a dusty dirty hoover apart while trying to pacify a crying baby, then put it all back together again!

Thanks for giving me the confidence to get a cleaner. I've decided to book a deep-clean including carpet-cleaning. DH agrees re the carpets as they have multiple sick stains, but thinks it's silly to get a cleaner for anything else when he has a wife on mat-leave I will get one anyway!

After the deep-clean I want to get DH into habit of doing a few jobs each day. He can't do night feeds as I'm BF and he's home around 7pm so DS is already in bed. He has approx 5hours to himself each night, would it be reasonable to ask him to spend 30mins of that cleaning?

he has a wife on mat-leave

I could not stay married to a man who openly spoke about me as though I was an appliance.

He thinks of you as a thing that he has.

You have a really, really big problem here.

This is a shit man with no respect for you as a person or love for you as a partner.

He thinks that your maternity leave, something that is granted to you by your employer is there to benefit him.

Of course a grown up adult should be doing domestic work in his own home.

Why do you accept his appalling notions that he is your superior and your boss?

That he gets to tell you when your time off is and how much work you should be doing for him?

It's totally fucked up.

Whatever you do, never never NEVER agree to give up work or reduce your working hours while you are married to this beastly asshole.

All sounds very sensible. I do think yoi'll all feel better when your floors and bathroom are clean. I know I would!

No-one's perfect. They've found a solution. Bit harsh to rubbish their relationship so much!