To think I shouldn't have to juggle housework as well as looking after clingy baby and ask how much you do on mat-leave?

[Sunrock]

Honest opinions please!

We have a 6-month-old DS.

Every time DH and I argue he brings it up that I don't do enough housework. He considers it 'part of being on mat leave'.

I argue that I'm holding a grizzling teething refluxy baby 90% of the time I'm home! He cries after 5-10mins in bouncer. Even when being cuddled he wants constant interaction and games or jiggling and rocking. DH thinks this is my fault for carrying him in sling so much when he was tiny

We go out every day otherwise I'm crying by noon as the constant grizzling shreds my nerves! He loves being in buggy and rarely cries when out. We meet friends, go for lunch, coffee, long walks, groups, classes, baby cinema etc and he is happy. He naps well in loud busy places. I understand why DH thinks I have a great life while he is stuck at work in an office feeling stressed but if I don't go out I feel like I'm going mad.

At home I can't get much done. I can only eat if I sit shaking a rattle. I sing and dance and talk to him while doing basic jobs but he still cries half the time.

Every day I load/unload dishwasher, wipe kitchen surfaces, do laundry. Every few days I cook and make a big salad but in between we eat ready meals or freezer food or takeaway. Once a week I hoover, wipe down sinks, empty bins etc. Bedlinen and towels get changed approx fortnightly. Once a month I clean bathrooms and hob, usually while DH watches DS at weekend as I don't like spraying chemicals near him.

If it's relevant I also do all night feeds (approx every 2-3hours). DS is in bed by time DH gets home from work and I go to bed a couple of hours after DS as I'm shattered.

AIBU to do so little housework? I told DH I want him to do some and he said mat leave isn't just about taking care of the baby but running a household too! He thinks it's U for him to help but I feel we are both responsible for keeping house clean! He stays up late every night having time to himself, I don't see why he can't take 10mins to empty the dishwasher or tidy up a bit! AIBU?

I'm tempted to just get a cleaner. I'm so tired and when DH watches DS at weekend I don't want to spend all my time off cleaning!

[BathtimeFunkster]

Clean floors won't make you feel better about being married to a misogynist bully who thinks you exist to serve him.

[sleeplessinmybedroom]

No it wouldn't be unreasonable at all.

[BathtimeFunkster]

Their is no "their" solution.

This cunt thinks the problem is that his Housewife 2000 needs to be brought in for a service so it can better service his needs.

She's booking in a one off clean, against his wishes.

[cornishglos]

Oh ok. I read it as she was putting her foot down and making him do his bit each night. And that she really hated the dirty floors, so clean floors will make her feel better about that.

[flymo79]

This has made my blood boil! Husbands with this attitude need to either do it themselves or get back to the 1950s... It makes me almost as cross as households that have 'pink' and 'blue' jobs, but at least they have a division of duties so seem a sprinkling more fair.... Where do men get off thinking mat leave is a walk in the park? You may have time with friends in the daytime, but imho that's to make up for the horrible nights/growing an entire extra person/emotional trauma of said child screaming incessantly and of caring for and protecting a child!
We just got a cleaner because now I'm back at work f/t I'm effed if I'm going to do any cleaning when I could be with Dd, but if dh had suggested it because I wasn't getting it done he could stick it up his erse!!!

[DefinitelyNotElsa]

YADNBU.

DD is 5 months old. DH's view is that as long as DD and I are alive at the end of the day, anything else is a bonus.

Yesterday I managed to unload the dishwasher, put some washing on and wash some bottles. DH then came home and cleaned the house.

[liinyo]

This was a conversation I had with DH before we had children. It is called maternity leave not housekeeping leave and I was a stay at home mum, not a stay at home cleaner.

[flymo79]

Yy to elsa ^^ your husband is correct!!

[BathtimeFunkster]

You may have time with friends in the daytime

Just like most people at work.

Being around other people in the same situation while you all attend to your responsibilities is the same for people at work as people at home.

If being out of the house and spending time with other people counts as "free time" then being at work counts as his rest and he doesn't need any downtime when he gets in, never mind 5 hours while you do housework.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

Your DH is an idle twat. I don't care if he works long hours, YOU are "on" the whole time at the moment except for the few hours a week when he takes care of the child you had together.

With DS1, he was a full-on klingon - I had a carrier for him so I could get some urgent stuff done, but it wasn't good for my back. He would nap for 2x 1/2hr tops during the day, so a good day was when I managed to actually get dressed and eat lunch.

DH took on the cooking of the evening meal, as I did all the night work (breastfed baby). That seemed fair to me; he wanted a cooked meal, and a good night's sleep, so he needed to pitch in to make sure that happened for him.

As it happened, I also started working from home again when DS1 was about 6wo, so that meant even less time for cleaning. But if DH had had the gall to suggest that I should be doing more of it, he would have been handed the vacuum and duster and told to go for his life, if he were that bothered about it. I had plenty to do with keeping on top of the laundry (cloth nappied baby as well).

[Scarydinosaurs]

Your husband needs to have a day looking after your baby and experiencing how hard it is to tidy with a clingy baby.

[rosieliveson1]

Being out with other parents and attending baby groups is not your free time! Free time is exactly that, time where you've nothing else to do and can choose your activity. You are always on child duty and so the things you choose to do have to be child suitable. You can't decide to spend your time in the pub, bath or just chaining box sets in peace, therefore it's not 'free' time.
Good on you for the getting the cleaner.

[captainproton]

Who used to do the housework before you had children? Was your husband the kind of man to let you get on with it, and you the kind of woman to let him get away with that?

It's an easy situation to get into especially if you had mothers that did everything around the home and fathers who didn't.

If you are going back to work what is his grand plan for housework? For when your child is sick and needs looking after? Is it all your responsibility? I think you need a serious chat about this. He is setting himself up to be a rubbish father figure. What example is he setting? In 30 years time when women will have even more gender equality and possibly out earning their husbands how many are going to want to settle for a husband with very old fashioned ideas of women being subservient to men.

Your DH should ideally find time to care for his baby everyday, I know it's not easy and I get that as my DH works out of home 12 hours each day. But he does baths, bedtimes and breakfasts for the children. At weekends he is stuck in with housework, cooking and running the children to clubs and groups. He is often the only bloke there. But he don't do it for me he does it for the family. You see he openly admits he was a less than perfect husband and father in his first marriage. He had to get divorced and live on his own and care for His eldest DSS on contact weekends to realise housework isn't done by fairies. He also took 6 months off with our first baby because at that time I was earning more than him. He truly learnt a lot and it really bonded us closer. Tbh I only agreed to have kids because he was so so keen to be a hands on dad, and he didn't let me down.

He sees his old self in the comments some of my friends husbands say on Facebook or when we socialise, and he will comment to me privately that those men are in danger of wrecking their family life and marriages.

I think your problem goes beyond maternity leAve. If you don't sort it now resentment will fester and you will spend many unhappy and tired hours feeling like a second class citizen in your own home. And as the kids get older they will treat you the same as well. Stand up for yourself!

[cornishglos]

The trade off for me carrying and giving birth to the babies, and doing all the night feeds is that my dh is the first up every morning to change the nappies, and can never say no if there's a pooey one to change later in the day.

[MrsMargoLeadbetter]

OP getting a deep clean & cleaner sounds like a good idea.

I do also think leaving him with the baby more is a good idea - it is best way for him to be in your shoes - but appreciate it is difficult when BF.

I would also start thinking about a plan for when (I assume) you go back to work. His attiude of mat leave = cleaning, could extend to part-time = cleaning (should you go back part-time).

Once back working you need a balance of free time. If he is managing gym trips and 5 hours per evening you need equivilent & not just so you can clean!

There is a v interesting book call Shattered which is all about how despite progression women still do lots of the childcare, cleaning & family 'management'.

How post mat leave starts is really important in setting the tone & 'rules' of family life.

Good luck OP.

[colleysmill]

It really really depends on the baby - ds1 reliably slept 7hours at night with a two hour afternoon nap. Loads of time for keeping on top of things.

Ds2 on the other hand - completely different kettle of fish. Wouldn't be put down, didn't sleep at night, didn't nap in the day, needs constant entertaining and can't be left unattended without something happening (now a toddler - swinging on the stairgates, trying to open doors and windows, eating lego, in the toilet etc etc). He's wonderful but has redefined what "a handful" means in this house

Dh and I are on the same page though and it makes a huge difference (and yes we got a cleaner before I lost the will to live)

[Ledkr]

Who dies he think he is ffs?
My DH works shifts abd took turns with night waking even when I was in mat leave.
Housework gets done by both of us cos its both of our house and both of our mess.
I couldnt live with such a lazy, unhelpful, entitled man, what a turn off.

[ChristianGreysAnatomy]

Getting a cleaner/deep clean is the short term fix. By all means, yes, do it.

But eventually you are going to need a long term fix re your dhs absolutely bullshit crap sexist attitude towards you. Read up about wife work. Get fucking angry.

[bakeoffcake]

Does he think he's living in the 1950s?


You HAVE to leave him with his child for some time. I know you're BFing, so feed the baby and then go out for a few hours, do this every single weekend.
Can you express so you can go out for longer? (I never could express, so I understand if you can't)

[Sunrock]

I'm going to leave DS with DH for a full day soon as going to a wedding. DH thinks it will be easy and fun having DS all day and is not concerned at all He takes water in sippy-cup and baby-rice with expressed milk on a spoon.

We used to share the cleaning before mat-leave although I did more as I'm fussier than he is.

[Scarydinosaurs]

I hope that day soon is like, next weekend.

You should be making this a priority, as clearly he has no idea what it entails. And insist that it is a day doing chores- not just visiting his parents/pub. If he thinks it's so easy, he can show you how it's done.

My DH is shit at housework, but at least he has the decency to apologise about it and actually do some without complaint. And without my prompting. If he saw it as purely 'my work' I think I'd lose all respect for him. I was cross enough when he asked what he could do to 'help'- the inference that he was 'helping' me to clean out house was enough to rile me up.

[IWantedThatBiscuit]

It so much depends on what works for you as a family. I think your DH is being unreasonable for making you feel bad and not hearing you out.

I did less than you, to be honest. We had a cleaner in once a week, and DH has always shared the laundry and cooking, whether I was on mat leave or not.

[Woodhill]

Sunrock that sounds mean about the hoover. DH always sorts out that sort of thing for me. also if you have to go back to work then you should have time to relax as well.

I didn't go back to work so we only had one salary. I was quite fussy about cleaning before I had dc and I don't think he could understand why I wasn't managing to get the housework done seeing as I was home all day so to speak. Babies take up alot of time and until you have one, you don't comprehend this.

I don't think it helps having a Winter baby. First DD was born in December. So much easier in the Summer.

[harshbuttrue1980]

Sorry, not a cuddly post. I do tend to think that people on maternity/paternity leave, or SAHP's should manage the household. If you have time for classes, lunches etc, then I'm sure you have time to push the hoover around.

I can't believe you're going to get a cleaner when your husband doesn't agree, presumably because he can't afford it? The household income drops so much when you're on mat leave, and if I was him, I'd be livid about paying for a cleaner while my wife spends time going to classes. That doesn't seem like much of a partnership.

Wait till you go back to work and start earning again, and THEN get a cleaner.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

Think you've got the year wrong in your posting name there, harsh.