To think I shouldn't have to juggle housework as well as looking after clingy baby and ask how much you do on mat-leave?

[Sunrock]

Honest opinions please!

We have a 6-month-old DS.

Every time DH and I argue he brings it up that I don't do enough housework. He considers it 'part of being on mat leave'.

I argue that I'm holding a grizzling teething refluxy baby 90% of the time I'm home! He cries after 5-10mins in bouncer. Even when being cuddled he wants constant interaction and games or jiggling and rocking. DH thinks this is my fault for carrying him in sling so much when he was tiny

We go out every day otherwise I'm crying by noon as the constant grizzling shreds my nerves! He loves being in buggy and rarely cries when out. We meet friends, go for lunch, coffee, long walks, groups, classes, baby cinema etc and he is happy. He naps well in loud busy places. I understand why DH thinks I have a great life while he is stuck at work in an office feeling stressed but if I don't go out I feel like I'm going mad.

At home I can't get much done. I can only eat if I sit shaking a rattle. I sing and dance and talk to him while doing basic jobs but he still cries half the time.

Every day I load/unload dishwasher, wipe kitchen surfaces, do laundry. Every few days I cook and make a big salad but in between we eat ready meals or freezer food or takeaway. Once a week I hoover, wipe down sinks, empty bins etc. Bedlinen and towels get changed approx fortnightly. Once a month I clean bathrooms and hob, usually while DH watches DS at weekend as I don't like spraying chemicals near him.

If it's relevant I also do all night feeds (approx every 2-3hours). DS is in bed by time DH gets home from work and I go to bed a couple of hours after DS as I'm shattered.

AIBU to do so little housework? I told DH I want him to do some and he said mat leave isn't just about taking care of the baby but running a household too! He thinks it's U for him to help but I feel we are both responsible for keeping house clean! He stays up late every night having time to himself, I don't see why he can't take 10mins to empty the dishwasher or tidy up a bit! AIBU?

I'm tempted to just get a cleaner. I'm so tired and when DH watches DS at weekend I don't want to spend all my time off cleaning!

Stay at home MUM not cleaner
Maternity leave not cleaning leave

Your husband is a twat.

I'm on mat leave just now with a reluctant-to-nap 4 month old. I just about manage what you do but that's with a supportive partner who also manages to parent his own child when not at work.

Ask your "d"h if he would like to take a few days off in order to show you how he thinks it should be done.

Bet he can't. Wanker.

7 week old velcro baby here. I whack him in a sling and get one with it. BUT I like a clean and tidy home and need it to feel sane, so it is my choice. I think if my husband was raising it as a concern I'd be very very hacked off.

As I'll be back at work at some point and have to juggle work, baby and house work so may as well start now!

Oh, and it's not 'helping' it's doing your fair share.

Tell him you'll be happy to do more housework when he does his fair share of nights?

I also know exactly what you mean about getting out. My teething, refluxy dd gets a bit too bored and whiny in the house all day. I simply have to get out each day for both our sakes.

Ah I remember before I had ds. I was a smug mum of 1 adorable dd who had never so much as raised an eyebrow never mind kicked up a fuss!

I would spend ds's maternity leave getting thin, doing housework and cooking nutrious meals while immaculately turned out and keeping my business ticking over while also still doing the admin on dp's business.

The reality was I spent 6 months on the sofa crying, furious and exhausted with my boobs out looking for answers. If I wasn't doing that I was on the web looking for answers as to why he wouldn't go down and when it would get easier.

It does get easier I promise. Until then give dp a choice when he gets home. 'Do you want the baby or to make tea/clean the bathroom/change the bed?'. If he kicks up a fuss say he can do it at the weekend while you go to the hairdressers/gym/coffee with a friend.

What housework do you have left to do OP? I couldn't do half of that when i had DD (still cant get anything done when she's on holiday...end of half term and once again the house looks like a heard of angry hungry elephants has charged through it!) oh and DD is now five!
I think your DH has very unrealistic expectations and is being a prize baboon, tell him to do the house work at the weekend if it bothers him so much.

This is why people have fought for shared parental leave. You might be just in time to to curtail your maternity leave to allow him a couple of weeks shared parental leave.
Well worth it given his attitude, I'd say. Or you'll end up doing all the parenting, housework on top of going back to work.

I'm on mat leave with twins and I manage to cook and clean everyday, I'm on my own with them 5 days/nights a week as dh works away so if I don't do it, it doesn't get done.

I think yanbu, I'm sure you're doing what you can and just because you're on Mat leave doesn't mean everything becomes your responsibility!

I remember crying to DH while I was on mat leave that I needed some help with the cleaning or I was going to end up on anti depressants. I had a non sleeping grizzly baby with undiagnosed multiple food allergies and was exhausted.

We got a cleaner.

You are doing much more housework than I did on mat leave.

We got a weekly cleaner and it was fantastic. Before that our house was a tip as I could barely do baby's laundry and keep on top of the dishwasher, let alone even think about major jobs.

I would tell DH exactly what I did each day to make him realise what hard work it was.

There was the odd daft comment though- I do think the other parent can't 100% understand, as those months of disrupted sleep to add up and make everything so much harder.

I would get a cleaner and tell him specifically what you want him to do. I found a lie in once a week really helpful. Use friend's husbands as examples if you can, my DH was quite embarrassed when I told him what some other Dad's were doing!

I am impressed by what u get done, our house is a constant tip. Sounds like u r doing a fab job.

Totally agree with expats comment do not get into the habit of doing it all or the lazy git will expect that whilst you work FT, too.

You need to get this sorted now or if and when you go back to work either if you're p/t then it will be your responsibility to do all the housework because you work less hours than him (never mind that you're looking after your DC when not working), or if you do the same hours your job is less stressful, or your commute is less or something. If you don't go back to work there will be more of the same.

Rationally it does make sense that the person who is not out at work does more of the household chores. However a) you're surviving on broken sleep b) you have a clingy baby and c) it sounds like you're doing a reasonable amount of housework already and d) there's a bit of a difference between housework i.e. cleaning and general maintenance tasks such as emptying dishwasher or tidying away dishes. Everyone living in the household who is capable of doing the latter tasks should be doing so out of mutual respect for each other.

"Use friend's husbands as examples if you can, my DH was quite embarrassed when I told him what some other Dad's were doing!"

Yes to this. Your husband needs a healthy dose of shame

YANBU but you do have to realise how it seems to your DH regarding the baby being easier whilst you are out. 'I need to go out and see friends and have lunch, coffee, etc everyday as the baby cries if I don't'. Please don't misunderstand, I have DC and I understand how this can be true but it will never go down well with the person who is out at work all day. YANBU about the housework but he probably won't see it from you point of view either.

Leave DH on his own for more than a whole day - it needs to involve a night too, ideally one with little sleep in it! Friday night - Sunday should do it. Come home and expect the house to be spotless with dinner made ready.

Even now (baby is 16 months), with partner working part time the same as me so we share childcare, he'd rather I didn't leave them on their own for a day, a night, then a day. He finds it too much. He'd have hated it at 6 months.

If it hasn't already been suggested, I highly recommend your DH taking holiday and you doing some KIT days. 4 in a row should be enough.

DH does the kitchen every morning, so we start the day with a spotless kitchen. I do a load of washing overnight so hang that up, and try to do another one if I get a chance.

I tidy the living room in the evening if I can be arsed. Hoover gets whizzed round once a week, not properly though, just through the gaps!

I cook tea because we've also got dd1 and she needs tea, if that means dd2 is screaming non stop while I peel potatoes so be it. Nothing I cook takes long though - bolognaise, chicken in a jar of sauce, those Mexican meal kits.

No proper cleaning ever gets done really. We blitz a room every so often but there's plenty I would rather do than clean!

You do loads.

But if DH is such an expert then he can do it all on Saturday whilst having DS cant he?

You are doing AMAZINGLY well considering how little sleep and respite you're getting -well done you! My LO is 5 months and I manage about the same but my DH helps oil especially at the weekend when he does the morning/night feed. Could yours take th3 baby more on a sat/Sunday? I hate to be rude but your husband is being a dick. If he has the baby for a few hours he will soon understand what you have on your plate. And if you can afford a cleaner please get one immediately!

What I used to find massively annoying was when we were all home, and he was holding the baby, I'd be running around like a loon cleaning and sorting stuff - when I was holding the baby in the same circumstances, he'd play on his phone or once (just the once), he'd disappear upstairs to lie on the bed and read a book. Small explosions occurred over that last incident, it hasn't happened since!!

YANBU. Your H is being an arse. I saw a thread recently on here that the lady had 'hired herself' as their cleaner doing one 2 hour house clean at the same time each week with no break. The only thing I can think to suggest as some sort of compromise is that he takes DC and you do that once a week at the weekend. This is on top of your rest time at the weekend while he looks after DC too of course.

I had a DC with severe reflux and now am a sahm because I went back to work and it didn't work out. When DC was tiny I literally just got the both of us through the day and did the absolutely endless laundry. Now he's older we have a cleaner come once a week so neither of us do the bathrooms or thoroughly clean the kitchen. I do almost all the laundry, taking the bin out, toilet cleaning, bed changing, clearing/wiping the kitchen surfaces down. We share cooking, hoovering and ironing (which is only DH's shirts and party clothes), DH does a bit more tidying than me. I am ill which goes up and down so I do more when I'm well and less when I'm not.

Tell your dh to go fuck himself. hand over baby. walk out of door.
drive to mcds and grab a mcflurry. sit in car park in peace
DP has the audacity to do this once, and after months of sore boobs and sleep deprivation I snapped.
Its so hard to explain to someone just how tough it can be, but you need to seriously sit him down, explain that he needs to look after baby for a day to give you and break and see that it is bloody hard work!
And FWIW, 3 mat leaves later and we do survival- clean kitchen and clean clothes. The proper cleaning is done when necessary and by ALL of us TOGETHER!

Your husband sounds like an arse. I'm sorry I'm sure he has many redeeming features but he clearly has no idea.

We have a nanny. Taking care of our children is a FULL TIME job for her. She doesn't clean bathrooms, change sheets, Hoover, bleach loos and I assure you she works bloody hard. Childcare is a full time job.

I know everyone has said it but you NEED to leave DH with the baby for 2 or 3 days in a row and ask him to do the housework and cook at the same time. Not just one afternoon but a long prolonged period.

Or he will never understand.

The issue is not how much housework you do. It sounds very little to me tbh. Do people really hoover only once a week and clean bathrooms / hobs once a month? Sounds a bit gross to me. I'd be embarrassed to have friends round.
BUT that doesn't actually matter. If you can live with it that's your business. If he doesn't like it he should get cleaning!
The issue is his lack of support. It sounds like he does very little parenting or housekeeping.
I have a baby and toddler and manage to get out every day, keep the house relatively clean, and express while the toddler naps. However, my partner expects nothing. He's happy if we're happy. And he does all the cooking. And maybe my kids get less attention than you'd give yours? I bet you're doing great. He should really recognise that.