To think I shouldn't have to juggle housework as well as looking after clingy baby and ask how much you do on mat-leave?

[Sunrock]

Honest opinions please!

We have a 6-month-old DS.

Every time DH and I argue he brings it up that I don't do enough housework. He considers it 'part of being on mat leave'.

I argue that I'm holding a grizzling teething refluxy baby 90% of the time I'm home! He cries after 5-10mins in bouncer. Even when being cuddled he wants constant interaction and games or jiggling and rocking. DH thinks this is my fault for carrying him in sling so much when he was tiny

We go out every day otherwise I'm crying by noon as the constant grizzling shreds my nerves! He loves being in buggy and rarely cries when out. We meet friends, go for lunch, coffee, long walks, groups, classes, baby cinema etc and he is happy. He naps well in loud busy places. I understand why DH thinks I have a great life while he is stuck at work in an office feeling stressed but if I don't go out I feel like I'm going mad.

At home I can't get much done. I can only eat if I sit shaking a rattle. I sing and dance and talk to him while doing basic jobs but he still cries half the time.

Every day I load/unload dishwasher, wipe kitchen surfaces, do laundry. Every few days I cook and make a big salad but in between we eat ready meals or freezer food or takeaway. Once a week I hoover, wipe down sinks, empty bins etc. Bedlinen and towels get changed approx fortnightly. Once a month I clean bathrooms and hob, usually while DH watches DS at weekend as I don't like spraying chemicals near him.

If it's relevant I also do all night feeds (approx every 2-3hours). DS is in bed by time DH gets home from work and I go to bed a couple of hours after DS as I'm shattered.

AIBU to do so little housework? I told DH I want him to do some and he said mat leave isn't just about taking care of the baby but running a household too! He thinks it's U for him to help but I feel we are both responsible for keeping house clean! He stays up late every night having time to himself, I don't see why he can't take 10mins to empty the dishwasher or tidy up a bit! AIBU?

I'm tempted to just get a cleaner. I'm so tired and when DH watches DS at weekend I don't want to spend all my time off cleaning!

[onecurrantbun1]

I am a SAHM and IME it got much easier to structure the day once we started weaning. Partly this was because we have a kitchen diner so I could potter while D.C. in high chair. But also it was helpful to have the meal as a signal that naptime would come next, even though I still BF to sleep.

I wonder whether you are making a bit of a big deal out of some cleaning tasks - cleaning our bathroom takes approx 15 mins, I could break it down into sink and loo (5 mins), shower (5 mins) and floor (5 mins) to fit in with baby entertaining themselves. Obviously you have to be organised and have the right products to hand. I use Flash spray and a scratchy sponge for the sink and shower, wipes and bleach for the loo, which gives a much better finish than wipes.

Do you co sleep for naps or will DS be ok alone? I used to spend 10-15 minutes quickly blitzing a task (e.g., peg a load of washing out and wipe kitchen floor) then I could relax for the rest of the nap or get some kip myself

Slow cookers are fab! I buy pre chopped onion and peppers and garlic and herbs to keep in the freezer, I can put a chilli or spay bol together in 5 mins

However DH is being a knob to have either of the lie ins, never mind both, and certainly not until 11am. If he was up at 9 he could do 2 hours house work, or take baby out for a walk, leaving you with the same amount of family time. You should be having both lie ins most weeks imo.

[MangosteenSoda]

My baby was exactly the same as you describe. If he could see me, he literally had to be touching me in some way until he was almost 10 months. He's 11.5 months now and I'm sure I have PTSD from it!

Reading your last post made me so cross. Your husband is not bothered that you have not had a decent stretch of sleep, let alone a proper night, in the last 6 months. It sounds like he does minimal child care when he is around because it doesn't fit with his schedule of late nights and late mornings. He has made no adjustments to his life and gets as much time to relax as he fancies. He appears to have brainwashed you into thinking this is totally reasonable.

He also appears to treat you like a skivvy, leaving his dirty things around for you to clear and tidy. It 's bad enough that he won't do a fair share of the housework, but it's appalling that he behaves like he's in a hotel.

I'd find it really hard to forgive him for making things so difficult for you at this time. I'd always be thinking, 'you just don't value me that much and it wasn't important to you to care for your wife and baby when they needed you to step up'. I'd wonder if I could rely on him in the future if things got hard.

[JizzyStradlin]

Or alternatively may, DH could look at it from OPs point of view. You know, the sleep deprived, never gets a break one.

[QueenArseClangers]

Bung your wee baby in a sling and then you can do things. Like going getting some divorce advice from a local solicitor 😡

Honestly, some posters on here who say 'I have 3 kids and you have to put the baby down to cry to get on with jobs etc.'
Well we have 5 DC and I've NEVER left them to cry as babies.

Then again, I have a husband whose daily list of household chores he leaves for me are 'Please make sure you/the kids eat and have fun and everyone is alive when I return home from work. If you could possibly put the washing that I've done in the dryer then that'd be marvellous' 😊

DH works and pitches in as soon as he gets home as well as getting up first to do the dishwasher, sort kids breakfasts out, dress baby and bring me a coffee in bed.

We are a partnership who respect and appreciate each other. My DH used to bollock me if I didn't nap when baby did as I was up bf in the night!

to you OP, your 'D'H needs a radical rethink.

[AStreetcarNamedBob]

OP please listen to what we are all saying. You are enabling your "D"H to continue his arsehole behaviour.

Is this what you want your son to see as the norm growing up? Do you want this treatment or women to flow into another generation?

All kind, decent men see themselves as a team with their wives. My DH would never dream of having an attitude like this. We do EVERYTHING equally. Share lie ins, share childcare, share housework...no resentment, no excessive tiredness, and a happy family.

Baby 3 is due next month and we will have 3 under 4. Doesn't phase us at all because we're a TEAM (in fact he will be taking more parental leave than me this time)

Please please please wake up and STOP enabling his behaviour. You're making excuses. He doesn't need a lie in at the weekend and it's not your problem if he goes to bed late so is tired. He's an adult. If he knows he will be up at 5:30am it's UP TO HIM if he goes to bed early (sensible) or stays up and it tired (who cares?)

[Woodhill]

They tend to sleep better on solids. None of mine slept through till òlder but they would amuse themselves and watch me in the day some of the time.

[TooOldForGlitter]

Good post astreetcar I've read this thread agog. Why do so many women put up with men like this? I just don't understand it.

[browneyedgirl1974]

Op why is it dangerous for your (d)h to survive on hours sleep for one or 2 nights a week but ok for you to do the same for 6 months?
yanbu re housework. You are doing your fair share. Your dh needs to step up.
Agree baby doesn't need training. Your dh does?

[Sunrock]

Onecurrant that's a good idea about breaking tasks down. Once the deep-clean is done I need to set a schedule to stay on top of it, and also train DH to clean up after himself! I often put off starting tasks because I won't be able to finish them, eg cleaning bathrooms I'm using chemicals and have to scrub hands every time I attend to DS. He only naps in the pram or rocked in my arms. We don't co-sleep, he's in a next-to-me crib.

Brown, on weekdays he has a long commute so dangerous to drive on no sleep. Weekends I'm worried he might trip holding DS or fall asleep on sofa with him if he gets up at 5:30. Whereas I've had months to adjust to sleep deprivation, I can function safely on very little sleep.

He's on solids but only Stage 1 of weaning so probably not enough calories to help with sleep yet.

Yes maybe he needs some new toys! He's had most since birth. Jumparoo is great but he likes me to stay close by. Any recommendations for good toys?

DH's argument for not sharing free time/lie-ins equally is that I have more 'free time' during week eg I get to go out with baby, meet friends, eat out, do fun things like baby cinema... while he is stuck in office in a high-stress job. I can see why he feels like this. He does need time to unwind and catch up with friends, I don't deny him this. But I don't think it's a good enough reason for me to do almost all the housework while DS is so demanding. If he has time to watch 5 hours of TV in eve he has time to do a few jobs around house!

[TooOldForGlitter]

Except you don't have free time because you are caring for his child during that time. If you weren't doing that then he'd have to pay someone to do it so he could continue with his job.

Are you really not seeing how utterly unreasonable this man is? You seem to have been brainwashed into thinking that your purpose in life is to make his easier.

[petalsandstars]

^^

This from glitter

With bells on!!

[expatinscotland]

'But I don't think it's a good enough reason for me to do almost all the housework while DS is so demanding. If he has time to watch 5 hours of TV in eve he has time to do a few jobs around house!'

It's not a good enough reason even if you didn't have a child. He seems to be punishing you for being on mat leave. Has he ever done work round the house?

I'm also astonished at how many women put up with men who do nothing and see their wives as a domestic appliance. Train him to clean up after himself? He sees this as your job.

[Astrophil]

It sounds like you have it really hard, and I'd just like to add to the chorus saying that's already quite a lot of housework you're doing, and I think your DH should help out more and stop complaining. Your DS sounds just like my DD -- couldn't be put down, needed to be out and about to be content, so little cooking or housework getting done. My DH and I fought more in that first year about housework and baby care duties than I would ever have imagined possible. It was awful, but we did get a cleaner in the end and it helped massively. At 19 months DD is much easier to care for now, so we get a lot more done ourselves and have scaled back the cleaner to once every two weeks. DH had to step up and do more housework than ever before, but he was willing to do it to keep the peace. I wouldn't have put up with the level of inequality it sounds like you have. Just remember you're doing great at an incredibly hard job, and don't let anyone tell you you're not working hard enough already.

[Spandexpants007]

You're actually busy looking after a small baby through the day and night with no time to yourself. He just works days, has an hour for lunch and hours of total rest in the eve. How is that equal?

[Spandexpants007]

I'm so glad my dh was nothing like yours. Mine was a rock and we looked after each other

[cornishglos]

Have you seen the thread by the woman with 6 kids who is bored because she doesn't have enough to do?

[RedToothBrush]

You are STILL making excuses and supporting this bullcrap that somehow his sleep is more important than yours and the free time / childcare thing. Until you get that out of your bed and start listening to people on this thread, your DH will continue to take the piss out of you are you will be the second one in the relationship. Marriages are supposed to be an equal partnership.

STOP JUSTIFYING HIS CRAP AND YOUR OWN ACTIONS SUPPORTING HIS CRAP. Just Stop.

Just because you are used to being sleep deprived does not mean you are less od a danger. If anything quite the opposite.

As for your DH having a high stress job... You make it sound like no one else on this thread has a partner with a high stress job. Well I'm sure there are a few and I'm sure that they still chip in and don't come up with this horse shit.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

He's going to be like this and you're going to let him. Yay for the patriarchy. Hopefully you won't have a girl next because this set-up might affect her life in the long-term. www.cbc.ca/news/technology/dads-who-do-housework-have-more-ambitious-daughters-1.2655928

[TheOddity]

I got all stressed too because I couldn't do the level of housework I deemed necessary. My DH also had 'expectations' although now with dc2 I've knocked that on the head. Like you, baby only slept when out and about, plus this was the only thing that stopped me throwing myself off a tall building. You need to be out in the world, otherwise you live in this horrible baby twilight zone. 99% pf people on this thread get it, a few people still seem to think you are choosing coffee with friends over cleaning the hobs, when the real choice is walking a baby up and down endlessly at home or coffee with friends - the hobs remain dirty either way.

So really just wanted to say, you are doing a great job, more than most, and next time your dh brings it up in an argument tell him to stop trying to make you feel inadequate when you know you are doing a damn good job. And do get a cleaner that you both pay for, or tell your dh you will look after baby all Saturday while he does a'quick blitz' what the fuck is a quick blitz, it just means stressing out doing shitloads of work and knackering yourself in the process

Also, fine if you prefer him to have a lie in then you have a later nap if that suits you better, but if you are just doing it to accommodate his night owl habits, then stop it as he wouldn't do that for you.

[Caterina99]

My DS just turned 8 months. He just started sleeoing through 7-7ish in the last month or so. DH and I take one lie in each on a weekend and then during the week it depends on if DH has an early meeting but he usually gets DS up etc and spends a bit of time before work with him as he doesn't often see him on an evening. I do the majority of the housework, but my DS naps well in his cot and is pretty chilled out so I have plenty of time. DH has had to do more when things were harder, and he wouldn't dare complain about anything!

Before the sleeping through DH got up early almost every morning and let me sleep. That extra hour made a huge difference. I just handed him over after breastfeeding. No way would I let him sleep in til 11am on a weekend if I was up all night. He's playing with a 6 month old baby in his own home, not doing brain surgery. If he's tired, that's his problem. If you'd rather nap in the afternoon then fine, but I'd still want him up at a reasonable hour at least one day so one of you can do the cleaning while the other deals with the baby. You are allowing him to be lazy. He does not need to lie in all weekend just because he chooses to go to bed late. He needs to grown up and help his wife and spend some time with his child!

[Spandexpants007]

You are both playing down how exhausting and time consuming looking after a high needs baby is. He's failing to show respect for your contribution to the family and sees it as effortless. Shaping and caring for the small baby is deeply important and connects to your child's future.

I recon he's pushing for a 1950's set up and as a result will have a poor bond with the child and will not pull his weight in the house.

There is no reason he can't do an hour of cooking or whatever BUT he is too absorbed by what he wants for himself and is failing to care about your needs and the babies needs.

[Spandexpants007]

The big question is - was he always this selfish?

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

Your H does not understand what "free time" is, clearly. HE gets to have it because you have the baby and house 24h a day, every day apart from when your H deigns to give you an hour's break for a sleep.

Taking the baby out is NOT free time. Free time is when someone else is looking after the baby for you.
Your H is an arse.

[Spandexpants007]

My husband also has a high stress job and long hours but has only ever been supportive. We work as a team.

[Jibberjabberjooo]

You make sure the toys are out, spare clothes, dummy, and make him a coffee before you go and nap? Jesus Christ.....
Does he not know where the kettle is? Or spare clothes? What do your think would happen if he had to make his own coffee? You really aren't helping yourself.

Your dh treats you like a domestic appliance and you willingly enable it by treating him like a child.