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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I shouldn't have to juggle housework as well as looking after clingy baby and ask how much you do on mat-leave?

251 replies

Sunrock · 19/02/2016 20:48

Honest opinions please!

We have a 6-month-old DS.

Every time DH and I argue he brings it up that I don't do enough housework. He considers it 'part of being on mat leave'.

I argue that I'm holding a grizzling teething refluxy baby 90% of the time I'm home! He cries after 5-10mins in bouncer. Even when being cuddled he wants constant interaction and games or jiggling and rocking. DH thinks this is my fault for carrying him in sling so much when he was tiny Angry

We go out every day otherwise I'm crying by noon as the constant grizzling shreds my nerves! He loves being in buggy and rarely cries when out. We meet friends, go for lunch, coffee, long walks, groups, classes, baby cinema etc and he is happy. He naps well in loud busy places. I understand why DH thinks I have a great life while he is stuck at work in an office feeling stressed but if I don't go out I feel like I'm going mad.

At home I can't get much done. I can only eat if I sit shaking a rattle. I sing and dance and talk to him while doing basic jobs but he still cries half the time.

Every day I load/unload dishwasher, wipe kitchen surfaces, do laundry. Every few days I cook and make a big salad but in between we eat ready meals or freezer food or takeaway. Once a week I hoover, wipe down sinks, empty bins etc. Bedlinen and towels get changed approx fortnightly. Once a month I clean bathrooms and hob, usually while DH watches DS at weekend as I don't like spraying chemicals near him.

If it's relevant I also do all night feeds (approx every 2-3hours). DS is in bed by time DH gets home from work and I go to bed a couple of hours after DS as I'm shattered.

AIBU to do so little housework? I told DH I want him to do some and he said mat leave isn't just about taking care of the baby but running a household too! He thinks it's U for him to help but I feel we are both responsible for keeping house clean! He stays up late every night having time to himself, I don't see why he can't take 10mins to empty the dishwasher or tidy up a bit! AIBU?

I'm tempted to just get a cleaner. I'm so tired and when DH watches DS at weekend I don't want to spend all my time off cleaning!

OP posts:
JizzyStradlin · 20/02/2016 12:15

Make sure you do nothing in advance to help on the day of the wedding OP, except expressing if you need to. Don't leave out clothes, sterilise bottles, prep meals. Don't clean up after your breakfast or your shower any more than he does in the morning normally. It's important that you come as close as you can to recreating a normal day for him, although that's impossible unless he also does a couple of night feeds either side as well.

And harshbuttrue, did you not read the bit about the baby needing constant entertaining? So we're clear, are you advocating OP leaves him to cry while she hoovers? No disputing whether this would really happen either, OP has told you it would. Classes and outings entertain the baby, being left while OP does housework does not. Also, what exactly makes you think she's not earning? Maternity pay lasts 9 months and only a very small minority of people start it 3 months before the baby is born. For all you know she might still be on full pay, which given that most people have at least some commuting costs could easily be more than they had coming in when she was working!

likeaboss · 20/02/2016 12:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HeteronormativeHaybales · 20/02/2016 12:24

I also think you are being a bit U tbh - but so is your dh.

I've been a WOHP with a SAHD, we've both worked PT, I've had multiple mat leaves (am on one now, baby almost same age as yours, also needs holding most of the time) and currently, when I'm not on ML, dh works FT+ and I PT from home. So I've seen both sides of this.

WOH is hard, particularly where you don't have much scope for organising your time/day. I can imagine that your classes and lunches sound idyllic to your dh. And saying you'd 'rather nap than clean' (wouldn't we all) at the weekends when your dh has your baby is a little bit Hmm, tbh. One or the other of you needs to get stuff done, and it may as well be you at weekends so your dh has time with his child (which will help them to be better/happier together, thus delimiting you later on). It just isn't practicable, once dc are there, to have substantial regular amounts of 'leisure' time without them. You'll look back with fondness on those lunches and baby cinema sessions when you are running around after a toddler! If you think your dh is getting more than you, that's what you need to look at. Equal downtime should be the goal.

All that said, your dh was a prize arse about the hoover, and his 'when I have a wife on mat leave' comment was, to say the least, pretty off in tone and content. Has he always been a bit dinosaurish about housework? Or are work colleagues giving him ideas?

WanderingTrolley1 · 20/02/2016 12:32

Yanbu.

I have to get out with my DD everyday or I get really stressed (I am suffering with depression, though). My DP also hints towards me not doing enough about the house...

You are doing a lot - don't feel bad in any way.

Woodhill · 20/02/2016 12:48

I think you do have to leave them to cry if you need to get something done at times.

shutupandshop · 20/02/2016 12:54

I think you do have to leave them to cry if you need to get something done at times.

I wouldn't and couldn't do that. Bar wetting/pooing myself.

Philoslothy · 20/02/2016 12:55

I would never leave a baby to cry so I could do housework

BeeppityBeep · 20/02/2016 12:56

I'd much prefer to be at home (and out and about) with the baby rather than working. I know it's tiring and can be boring but being able to spend time with your baby, being able to do what you want and not having a boss is a huge privilege really. I know that's not what a lot of MNs think and experience though.

My DH worked long hours and missed out spending time with the kids. I wanted to make sure he could enjoy them at the weekend. That's not me being little wife'y that's me doing what is best for my family.

I know your not having official 'free time' if you have kids at home but it's often not exactly work either and you do sound as though you are having lots of fun. I think adding up your DHs free time and thinking you should have the same is a bit mean really.

I know your DH is being a knob but I can understand why he thinks you should do more. (He daft to SAY it out loud though) Wink
If you put your mind to it and work quickly it doesn't take long to keep on top of things.

I prefer to do things in the day and relax in a tidy and clean house in the evening. I do t need it spotless but I would never, for example, leave the bathrooms a month between cleans.

BathtimeFunkster · 20/02/2016 12:57

So babies should be neglected to make sure that men are adequately catered for?

Hmm
BoboChic · 20/02/2016 12:57

In an ideal world no woman should have to do housework or catering when she has just given birth.

Woodhill · 20/02/2016 13:06

why?

if they're fed and changed. they do whinge sometimes.

you have to sometimes be pragmatic especially if you've got more than 1 child

Woodhill · 20/02/2016 13:07

Yes

not neglected. left to their own devices. what did our ancestors do with no mod cons?

nocoolnamesleft · 20/02/2016 13:17

Still want to know when he's going to do some nights, so the op can catch up on sleep...

MrsKoala · 20/02/2016 13:38

And saying you'd 'rather nap than clean' (wouldn't we all) at the weekends when your dh has your baby is a little bit hmm

Did you miss the part where the OP does all night wakings? If anyone does a night waking in our house them napping the next day is the priority. Things get ditched so we can facilitate that. It is not fair that someone who is awake half the night then cannot nap so they can prioritise cleaning.

I couldn't have left my babies to 'whinge' as it isn't a whinge it's a full on scream the house down make yourself vomit wail. There is no way i could carry on cleaning while listening to that sound. And as for ancestors, yes i'm sure they did do things like that, along with tethering children up and leaving them in the garden or on the streets with no idea where they were. I also wont be doing any of those things.

JizzyStradlin · 20/02/2016 13:54

Quite a lot of our ancestors lived in the sort of society where there'd always be someone else to leave the baby with woodhill. Some of our families still live like that now. Significant numbers of the population living in small nuclear family units, without having relations or people they know very well living close by is a pretty new thing.

BeeppityBeep · 20/02/2016 13:56

OP says she goes for long walks with her friends and the baby so presumably she isn't too knackered. Wink

shutupandshop · 20/02/2016 13:59

why?

if they're fed and changed. they do whinge sometimes.

you have to sometimes be pragmatic especially if you've got more than 1 child

I have 4 dcs

Woodhill · 20/02/2016 14:00

that's true but you don't have to pick babies up the whole time. I had to get things done for my own sanity plus tried to go out. dd liked door bouncer, put TV on at times wit video.

my house wasn't huge so you had to keep on top of things. some babies do whinge not necessarily wailing. didn't care tbh. hated it at times and expectations

JizzyStradlin · 20/02/2016 14:09

Whether you have to pick a baby up the whole time depends entirely on the baby. They're not a monolithic bloc.

Toffeewhirl · 20/02/2016 14:14

YANBU, op. Sounds like you are doing plenty and your DH needs a wake-up call. Unfortunately, having one day alone with your DS may not be enough to show your DH how difficult it can be (although I hope it is). My DH's first day alone with our first baby was easy and he said everything was fine; the second time I left him alone with DS1, he didn't even manage to get dressed, let alone do any housework! Babies have good days and bad days, just like everyone.

HackerFucker22 · 20/02/2016 14:20

My first baby was a very easy, calm and chilled little thing so I was a domestic goddess (we lived in a much smaller place back then)

Second child was a clingy, angry, high maintenance little thing and there were days I couldn't put her down!! I also had the older DC [a 2 year age gap] and a bigger house.

DP has never once mentioned what was and wasn't done round the house. He knows how hard our second baby was so he wouldn't have dared.

Chipsahoy · 20/02/2016 14:22

My first dc was easy. My home was pristine. Number two was and still is, hard work. But you know once you have more than one child, you realise daily life can't stop cos the baby needs holding. So while I bathed my older dc or cooked dinner or took him to pre school etc, dc2 often cried. I held him while I could, one handed stirring, rocking him as I played with dc1, but often there were times where for a few mins at a time he had to cry.
And yes even when it came to housework, no way am I having unwashed bathrooms and sticky floors.

Sometimes you just have to let them fuss a little while you do other stuff, especially when you have another child.

However, your dh is being a complete dick.

Woodhill · 20/02/2016 14:33

exactly chipsahoy, you have to get on and get older ones to nursery, school etc and my ds had to fit as he was baby no 3. YD middle child was more demanding.

You have to do what works for you and survive.

HeteronormativeHaybales · 20/02/2016 14:55

MrsKoala - yes, I saw that. I also do all night wakings, which can be several a night - ebf and a bedside cot help, but I'm still waking. My dd doesn't sleep in the day - at all - unless in the sling or in someone's arms. And I have two older dc. I don't nap in the day - at all.

FinallyFreeFromItAll · 20/02/2016 14:59

Definitely dependant on the baby - with DC1 I couldn't understand how anyone, did any housework at all without leaving the baby to scream. Made me feel crap, like I must have been doing something wrong.

DC2 was so easy I could do all sorts of housework. I remember thinking "oh, so this is how people do lots of housework with a baby - they just have one who is content being put down!".

Also op just wondered what meds baby is on for the reflux? Once they get it right baby should settle right down.