To think I shouldn't have to juggle housework as well as looking after clingy baby and ask how much you do on mat-leave?

[Sunrock]

Honest opinions please!

We have a 6-month-old DS.

Every time DH and I argue he brings it up that I don't do enough housework. He considers it 'part of being on mat leave'.

I argue that I'm holding a grizzling teething refluxy baby 90% of the time I'm home! He cries after 5-10mins in bouncer. Even when being cuddled he wants constant interaction and games or jiggling and rocking. DH thinks this is my fault for carrying him in sling so much when he was tiny

We go out every day otherwise I'm crying by noon as the constant grizzling shreds my nerves! He loves being in buggy and rarely cries when out. We meet friends, go for lunch, coffee, long walks, groups, classes, baby cinema etc and he is happy. He naps well in loud busy places. I understand why DH thinks I have a great life while he is stuck at work in an office feeling stressed but if I don't go out I feel like I'm going mad.

At home I can't get much done. I can only eat if I sit shaking a rattle. I sing and dance and talk to him while doing basic jobs but he still cries half the time.

Every day I load/unload dishwasher, wipe kitchen surfaces, do laundry. Every few days I cook and make a big salad but in between we eat ready meals or freezer food or takeaway. Once a week I hoover, wipe down sinks, empty bins etc. Bedlinen and towels get changed approx fortnightly. Once a month I clean bathrooms and hob, usually while DH watches DS at weekend as I don't like spraying chemicals near him.

If it's relevant I also do all night feeds (approx every 2-3hours). DS is in bed by time DH gets home from work and I go to bed a couple of hours after DS as I'm shattered.

AIBU to do so little housework? I told DH I want him to do some and he said mat leave isn't just about taking care of the baby but running a household too! He thinks it's U for him to help but I feel we are both responsible for keeping house clean! He stays up late every night having time to himself, I don't see why he can't take 10mins to empty the dishwasher or tidy up a bit! AIBU?

I'm tempted to just get a cleaner. I'm so tired and when DH watches DS at weekend I don't want to spend all my time off cleaning!

Yanbu, its unfair, and really depends on your baby and their needs.
Problems like this is how the resentment starts, and it's a slow chip away till there is nothing left.

I did frig all when I was on mat leave. Looking after a baby is a full time job. In fact, we got a cleaner (that we still have) while I was off!

When you were both working how did you split chores?

You are still working. Caring for a newborn is a full time job with housework split exa

Oh god op. Hes being a dick.

If you're after practical tips (though I think the relationship is more the thing to focus on)...

• don't like spraying chemicals? Get some cleaning wipes
• baby likes noise? Hoover/ radio... keep it noisy
• loves the buggy. Naps in buggy? Go for walks near home and as he drops off go home, park him in the hall and get on with housework/ sleep/ tv...

When you were both going OUT to work, how did you split the chores? Now you are still working. Being at home with a newborn is a full time job- more than a full time job because it's 24/7. So how's it fair going from doing 50% of the housework when you are both going OUT to work to doing zero percent because you happen to be at home but still working full-time? Just because you're at home, it does not mean you are not busy and you certainly don't give up your job to manage the house all by yourself

You do more housework than I do. How did you allocate housework between you before DS came along? (I think I can possible predict the answer)

Your job is now caring for DS during the day so, in my opinion, at the very LEAST, DH should still be doing half of the housework. And I think a lot of husbands who were at work all day, would come home and let their wife have a break after caring for their child all day and cook dinners for half the week. You're a team!

"If he has the baby for a few hours he will soon understand what you have on your plate." Nooooo frangipani13 he won't.

Imagine this man takes the baby to the pub on a Saturday afternoon. Meets a few friends. Baby is out in the pram (calm, as we now from the OP). Friends hold the baby and keep him entertained. Dad drinks a pint and thinks "this is easy. What on earth is Sunrock on about?" Comes home triumphant, stating that he was right, of course.

Taking a baby for a few hours is NOTHING like looking after a baby, on your own, for days on end without help or adult company. Babies like having lots of people around. Their moods often change completely when left with just one person (ie. mum) - become clingy, fretful, and generally hard work.

The OP is sleep deprived, too.

As said above this guy needs at least 2 full days in a row. If he refuses to do this then you should refuse to discuss the housework issue too.

Cross-posted with Gandalf and thought I'd posted my reply twice!

I would get a cleaner to be honest, it's hard juggling household duties and a baby. I think you do plenty, and your husband should be more supportive. Shame on him and his 1950 ideas.

YANBU

I have a seven month old and go on the basis - if we're having a good week and baby is patient, I'll fit in housework, if it's a bad week, DH does a decent chunk at the weekend. Since starting BLW, I've found it really difficult to keep on top of things as it generates so much mess. If you're just starting weaning, get a cleaner / sort out your DH sharpish as soon there'll be even more to do!

He gets paid 40 hours a week - you on the other hand are doing 24 hours a day no breaks no meal times no day off no sick pay etc - for Free -

Book a day out shopping and see how much he gets done with the baby in tow -

My dh was exactly like that when my dd was born, what do you do all day was his mantra and the house was quite clean, it's not fair but what can you do.

I think I got so fed up I shoved a list of what I achieved under his nose when he got home.

"how much housework you do. It sounds very little to me tbh. Do people really hoover only once a week and clean bathrooms / hobs once a month? Sounds a bit gross to me. I'd be embarrassed to have friends round."

How often do you hoover Cornishglos? Sorry I shouldn't derail, but ...

agree that bathrooms and hobs need attention more often, but honestly, Vacuuming is an idious task, why would anyone do it more than once a week?

Also he is not your boss giving you feedback on your performance

I agree that it's his attitude.

He's pissed off because you get out & about so much.

I'm liking the idea of a list to show everything you have done in one day.

Having a baby doesn make much carpet mess though so once a week is probably fine. NI hoover more because older kids bring in mud and make crumbs. Same as baths - babies don't mess p the tub much so really it's just uou and dh. It's when they are toddlers the cleaning steps up

Why should she have to show him what she's done?

At the very least, your DH should be on night duty on Friday and Saturday (or if not possible, you should get time to rest yourself Sat/Sun in the day). It is not on to expect one person to take the entire hit on the sleep deprivation. Grr. Your DH has clearly not experienced sleep deprivation if he doesn't get that being out and about, in the fresh air and drinking coffee is quite essential to not keeling over!

Also, you do a more than reasonable amount of housework (even by the ridiculous MN standards). There'd be more to do if you were in the house more, anyway.

YANBU. What, he works a 40 hour week and you're on 24/7 baby and household duty while he refused to life a finger toward the household he lives in, eats in, has his laundry done in, craps in, etc? I think not.

Maternity leave is primarily about child care and staying sane. Household care is for both of you when you both have time. Tell him to f*ck off and pitch in or you might as well be single.

I look forward to the update on what the husband has done over the weekend.

I didn't mean 'pitch in'. that is wron. I mean do his share and carry his weight at home. Pitching in implies it's your job and he's doing you a favour if he does something.

Your ONLY job on maternity leave is to get to know your baby, get used to the huge life changes and be a mum.

If you can fit in a bit of washing/ food shop/ trip to the post office as part of that, bingo, you're doing great. But if you have a high needs baby then they are your priority, not dusting. Some days you just have to be grateful you're all fed and alive.

Is he the type to get twitchy in untidy surroundings? My DH is, so he has a 5m whizz round (collecting duplo and plastic fruit) when he gets home and we have a cleaner every other week. But because he doesn't pressure me, I actually WANT to keep things tidy-ish and don't resent doing the housework that I can manage during the day, IYKWIM?

I am a sahm, DH works approx 8-6 5 days a week. As soon as he gets home we share things 50:50. In fact, he does bedtime every night so I get some peace and quiet.
The way we see it, my working day finishes when his does. I try to keep on top of housework but with a 2 year old and a 3 month old that's not always possible. If it's weekend and household tasks need doing, we either both pitch in or one does it whilst the other is on child duty.
I guess my point is just that during every day you can only do what you can do. That will always vary too. It's not up to DH or anyone to allocate your time! Once you're both in the house, the tasks become shared. Simple as that! It's not fair that he works 9-5 yet you are on duty 24/7!!