Vow Renewal Invitation

[ILoveACornishPasty]

I am completely prepared to be told I'm a tightwad so don't feel the need to hold back!

I've got back from work today to find an elaborate invitation to a vow renewal for our two friends who are back together and renewing their marriage vows after adultery on both sides. They were married five years ago and we attended the wedding and gave a generous gift. Today's invitation comes with a gift list, and the cheapest item on it is £75. I am not a fan of lists like this anyway (separate thread!) but really want to write a note referring them back to their previous gift, the one we have them when they promised not to commit adultery but before they both, er, committed adultery. I can't actually explain why I have found it so irritating....and maybe I am an awful person, but I just feel that it's a bit of a cheek. Any thoughts??

Its incredibly bad form to ask for presents in their position. The whole point of them renewing their vows, are not more opportunity for presents, but to re effirm their vows in front of their loved ones. Actually its pointless, if they keep doing the same again. I would not go, your busy that day, or have plans. Or if you do, just get them a small token present for say £10-20.

Gift list for a vow renewal??? I'm missing a trick here...

This would be lovely, don't you think? If it's too expensive, maybe club together with some other guests too.

I personally don't see the point in vow renewals. Marriage is not a library book, it doesn't expire, that's kind of the whole point.

I can understand people wanting to reaffirm their commitment after a difficult time but it's not like another wedding. Expecting gifts is just grabby. They need to get their priorities straight. I'd decline.

Vow renewal in white ball gown and morning suits makes my toes curl in horror. And soliciting "honeymoon" money for a couple with grown children?!
Marriage vows are supposedly permanent from day one. They do not expire. Turning private sentiments into a public "look at how in love we still are" pageant is just too crass for words.

Want to celebrate your marriage after the fact? Go out for an anniversary dinner.

I've always thought that vow renewals were attention seeking bollocks, but some of the reasons people have given on here have completely changed my mind, some lovely, if sad in some cases, reasons for doing it. Couple from the OP however, WTF?! Have they no sense of embarrassment?

Also, I'd be horrified to receive a gift lift for an actual wedding with presents starting from £75. Do you move in very wealthy circles OP?

MackerelOfFact, you've just reminded me I have some overdue library books to renew, thanks for that. Lovely analogy too.

Vow renewals? What fresh hell is this?

His and her handcuffs? They can keep each other tied to the bed. That's more likely to stop themselves straying then renewing vows that they didn't keep in the first place.

Vow renewals? What fresh hell is this?

The fresh hell where you have to listen to folk with their judgy-pants so far up their butts they turn in to two separate people?

Don't like vow renewals, don't have one or attend any. But lots of people do like them and have their own reasons for choosing to have them.

NC as this is so identifiable.

We are considering a vow renewal next year for our 10th and if we do it will just be for us and the children.

We chose to have a very very small wedding with no friends as we couldn't afford to host them but promised we'd have a party one day. Days after our 4th wedding anniversary I nearly died and became critically ill requiring life saving brain surgery. Unsure what to do about the first anniversary of that we threw, with the help of our lovely friends our very belated wedding reception. It was fabulous and most people chipped in to help us throw it, it never occurred to us to ask for presents either time. The only thing was our daughters, who had new dresses and were very excited about being 'bridesmaids' got chicken pox and missed it.

So if we renew our vows it will be as our wedding was, small and private and about us celebrating what we've overcome together. If we were planning it in the circumstances of the OP I'd be mortified and even more determined to do it with as little fuss as possible!

i would go if local but wouldnt spend that for a pressie as they are renewing as he couldnt keep his dick in his pants, and she was after someone elses dick

totally diff if been happy and do a 10/20yr renewal but still wouldnt do expensive pressies

buy a card and debnehams voucher/bottle of bubbly

Five years since the first wedding you say?

That's often about the time it takes for things to wear out or break - which might even be another explanation for the "event"

Can you get matching his and hers chastity belts?

Well now you mention it puzzled, we did get a fridge freezer as a wedding present from one of our parents and it's making some ominous noises.

feehutch I would have stretched to a gift for your reasons!! As it turns out, my husband had a pint (or twelve) with the other husband last night and engaged in some banter (read: ripped the living piss out of him) and the poor man was mortified!! The addition of the gift list in the wedding invitation was all the wife's work!! Ha! I know I shouldn't laugh but even after a few sherbets he was distinctly unhappy by all accounts so it could be that there'll be no vow renewal to go to.....oooops!!!

That is funny Ilove, greedy 2nd bridezilla . Oh dear me, they should concentrate on their relationship and keeping it in their pants, instead of renewing their vows. I think the wife wants another wedding day with more pressies, greedy lady.

Not sure i'd believe that ILove. It sounds more like the kind of thing someone would say when faced with critiscism/ribbing to get out of it (i suspect he knew but just didn't care one way or another and said do what you want). I wonder what he will be telling DW that your DH said. You may find you invitation rescinded. Not that you want to go of course. But you may find the friendship distinctly cooler after this.

I think it had to be said how grabby it was otherwise they would of been the talk of everyone.

But they still will be wont they. Saying it to them isn't going to change that they sent it out in the first place. Even if they now say to people actually forget it. They have already done it. It will be obvious they are only not doing it because someone has said something, so therefore still think it's alright.

I'm not saying it shouldn't have been said. But once it's been done it cannot be undone iyswim. Personally i think it would have been better if no one had bought anything from the list and just arrived with champagne or a small gift as you would take to an anniversary party. If either said anything (which i doubt) then just laughed and said 'oh i thought that was a joke'.

I wasn't there so I can't tell if it was a cover or not, obviously, but I must admit that would surprise me. Having said that his cheating surprised me too so I'm never sure of anything really. As for not saying anything I'm afraid they're two hairy arsed military blokes-it was always going to be brought up by someone and I think it was better that it was my husband who is genuinely his biggest fan (hence us being so no -plussed by this) than to have loads of people not turn up or whatever. Friendship cooling-maybe I suppose although not from us. If this were typical of them I guess I would not have posted-it's just so out of character for them that I was completely boggled!! I would like to think we have all been through a bit too much together (keeping a friendship of four together through a messy break up is hard for everyone to do but we all managed it) but if the non provision of a £100 rice cooker were to break it then perhaps 'twas never a friendship X

I didn't mean they might cool the friendship because you didn't buy something from the list, more that if the DH goes home and says that you have been slagging them off for including the gift list. If it were me i'd be fucked off (not that i'd do a GL in the first place) and would just think why not just not buy anything and leave it at that, why say anything. It depends on what the DH says tho. If he genuinely didn't know and goes home pissed off then the wife may be pissed off with you. If he did know and goes home and says that you and DH think they are grabby and it was a bad idea to put it in the invitations she may be pissed off also. He may say nothing in which case she will carry on oblivious.

(Also my DH is in the military and would never have teased a mate about this - he would very much just not mention it and i would be the one going WTF!!!)

Good god.

Firstly, no way would I take a gift over and above a bottle of Champagne.

Secondly, they are actually inviting guests to a renewal FIVE YEARS LATER?? Ten would be cringey enough, but five years? Bloody hell I've got bath mats older than that.

So incredibly egocentric, even putting the gift list aside. I bet no-one who attends will want to be there - out of resentment, embarrassment and having to fork out for travel, clothes, booze etc.

OP I think it's great your bloke had a word with the groom - even if it causes -more ructions with his wife. Seriously someone has to tell them not to embarrass themselves like this. They are jeopardising friendships here.

I reckon she's so mortified that everyone knows about their infidelities that she's desperate to wipe the slate clean in front of everyone.

Sorry I do realise that people have legit reasons for vow renewals such as dreadful first weddings or illness. And those I would celebrate happily. As long as there was no gift list and it was at least 10 years later!

My husband didn't call them grabby, he just went down the route of 'that toaster you bought us for our wedding is on the blink-might have a renewal and stick it on the list!!' It went from there and they in no way fell out about it, and are playing golf this morning so I don't think any tears have been shed. There has been no slagging off, unless an anonymous thread on MN counts, that's not our style really. They have known us so long that they will know it's a conversation we have had with them but no about them-one of the things that my friend (the wife) gets mock annoyed with me about is that I won't share gossip or whatever....this is not really because in a good person but because other people know too much about me ha ha. She's messaged me this morning for a recipe tip so I don't think it's sunk. Maybe I'll get her a recipe book....

Do you think he's even mentioned it to her then? If he thinks it was all just a bit of banter?