DD refuses to go to the doctors...

[LookingForAdvice12345]

DD is 17 and I do appreciate she's almost an adult (like the rest of the family have been telling me). However, I'm worried about her.

I'm suspecting gallstones. She has loads of symptoms - the main one being: spells of horrendous upper stomach pain - she has a great pain threshold and she'll be in absolute tears and screaming in pain. She always describes it as 'something has ruptured'. Anyway, she's overweight and she lacks in a lot of confidence because of it and this is her reason for not wanting to go. I've explained that they won't be judging you, etc. but she's having none of it.

I can't stand her being in so much pain, it's so bad, she puts hot/cold water on that area, until it has burnt her skin, to take the pain away. I can't watch her like it and who knows what damage is happening inside her, but I can't exactly force her.

WWYD?

She knows what she weighs, but thanks for that suggestion

I know, but she's my baby still! I just feel bad for her, it upsets me a lot, the medical care now and there she is and you know... Probably stupid

Sorry, left a bit out, it should read after the bracket.... They can probably make a reasonable estimate of it.

Estimate of her weight?

You'd be surprised!

When she was in A+E once, she requested not to be weighed and she guessed a good couple of stones lighted and I had to secretly correct her

That is a big weight gain in 6 months, could she be eating more than you realise in secret?

I think doing something like SW together could be very positive, she needs hand holding, fingers crossed for you both.

Do you think she would consider doing a class with you too? Something quite calming like beginners yoga or pilates and maybe build up to doing something more energetic. It would be great for her confidence.

She really doesn't eat more when I'm atropine and if she does, she just admits to it and say that she messed up, she rarely goes over 1900 calories and to gain that much doesn't seem reasonable.

Yes, I want to do tap dance with her, but we have to wait until my back is better

*im not around

periods might be related to weight pcos? - would make weight loss harder

Ah. OK then but they simply cannot weigh her if she refuses.

And of course it would be great if she went to SW with you but it takes time to lose weight and from what you were saying the pain needs to be addressed fairly sharpish, if it is recurrent.

She has been having the pain for a couple of years, it has just got a lot worse. I'm not sure if she'll go until she's comfortable

Gosh sounds horrible. Dunno if you/she might find this Lenny letter interesting, it's by Lena Dunham, she had/has endometriosis rather than gallstones, but OCD as well, and it's a good read anyway.

Hope she gets better soon.

Skim read but I second giraffes - if she has PCOS (and 3 monthly/anovulatory cycles can be an indicator of this) then losing weight can be massively, massively difficult. I mean seriously, heartbreakingly difficult. That alone would be an extremely good reason to see a Dr, with possible referral to a reproductive endocrinologist. If you're in London I'm more than happy to offer some recommendations.

Could you sell it to her that you think there is a medical reason why she finds difficulty with her weight? That it doesn't matter, but if she isn't happy then help could be available?

lookingforadvice. Gosh your daughter sounds exactly like mine! I really understand what dilemma you are in! Please be very careful about joining SW - I did join with my dd1 (then 15 nearly 16 - with doctors permission) and she did amazing - until she told me she had be inducing vomiting to keep up the weight gain -
Fast forward 4years and she is under investigation for a suspected hiatus hernia -
She has had BED and bulimia and ive spent £1000's on a private counsellor to help her with her relationship with food. I never realised my dd1 was vomiting - she hid it well

I'm very sorry to hear that about your DD and I hope she is recovering well

My DD wants to do it so bad and she'll cry at how badly she wants to do it, but she struggles to keep at it and that's the only reason I think SW will be good for her, so other people see the results

Obviously she does need to go but unfortunately she is right that many doctors judge about weight. I absolutely avoid the docs if I can as I've had many negative experiences due to weight. They seem to think every niggle is weight related. My latest is a painful neck so I went in to be told it wouldn't be painful if I wasn't obese. I walked out after telling them I'd had it all my life and they could see from my records my weight was fine until my 20s so there was clearly an underlying issue.

Is there anyway you could convince her to have thyroid checked with the explanation that if she has an under active thyroid it can cause weight gain, irregular periods, depression?

It may be her current thought and weight etc are medical also. Nothing will resolve itself without knowing.

Something isn't right there OP. There is no way she could put 4st on in 6months while eating 1900kcal a day. So either she is eating secretly (I was/am a master at that, it's definitely possible to hide it from parents etc) or there is something else causing the weight gain, but even if she did have a thyroid issue it would still be hard to gain that much weight eating a calorie controlled diet.

I'm an obese adult (who incidentally has just had their gallbladder removed 10 days ago, such a relief!), and I'm afraid we do have to accept that weight DOES impact on health conditions, that it is right and sensible for a GP to discuss weight with patients; although obviously it should be done in a sensitive and factual way, but it doesn't sound like your daughter's GP has been insensitive, weighing for medication is very important. There are all kinds of medications where weight matters; pain relief, blood clotting meds (I'm on prophylaxis after surgery, normally this is a standard dose but once you hit a certain weight it needs to be calculated otherwise it's not affected and you can be at risk). Even folic acid, if you're obese you need to take a significantly higher dose in pregnancy.

I saw my GP yesterday and he asked to weigh me for my medication review, the poor guy obviously felt he was in a minefield and even said 'I hope you know in not talking about your BMI to be hurtful it's just important to get things right'. It's a bit of a rubbish state of affairs when doctors feel they are treading on eggshells about serious health issues and that they can't talk about them. I assured him he could speak openly and that I wasn't going to get in a huff. After all, he was just concerned about my health.

I think when you're overweight this is something you just need to get used to, to some extent. I really hope that your daughter can find a way to get past her anxiety and realise they aren't judging her, it's just a factor in health conditions that they have a duty to take into account.

I'm sure she would be great at secretly eating, but there's nothing in our house for her to! It's normally if she goes over her calories (say we go out for dinner, she'll put on around half a stone) which isn't reasonable, IMO.

She has said that she wouldn't have minded the doctor discussing her weight, but it was the way in which he did it.

Doctors always insisting on taking weight and shaming the person about it, whatever medical reasons they come in for, is a huge reason fat people, particularly women, don't access medical care even when they really need it. OP, could you speak to the doctor beforehand and insist there will be no weighing or talk about dieting at the appointment? Explain you daughter has anxiety around her weight which means she hasn't made an appointment before now. Even though she's 17, you can still come in with her to the doctor and help steer things toward talk about her symptoms rather than how fat she is and has she tried to lose weight. This sort of thing kills - kateharding.net/2007/07/12/fat-hatred-kills-part-one/

Some people have to eat very few calories, so as not to put on weight. I am one of them. So yes, I believe she could put on that much eating the amount she does.

I would book a private GP appointment and explain the issues beforehand. Emphasise that the gallstone issue is the issue to sort out. Maybe ask if Dr will talk to her beforehand on the phone to persuade her to attend.

Good luck.

I hope she meets someone who makes her feel amazing about her body. I've always been a bit of a fat bastard- not morbidly obese but lovably round!- always wanted to be dainty but never ever was...5ft 8", broad shoulders, huge size 9 feet, massive 36MM tits and a BMI of 30. I'm a dress size 16 and medically definitely obese and have been since puberty. Stretch marks and horrible scarring from where my boobs grew in overnight. I definitely lacked in confidence until I got my first proper boyfriend at about your daughters age who worshiped the ground I walked on and thought my body was beautiful. I couldn't believe that anyone would like- let alone desire- my mad and bizarrely shaped body. It was a massive confidence boost and the more confident I felt about my body the more other people seemed to agree I looked nice. Since then I've never had any real issue with my body. People are built differently. Yeah I could be thinner but I try and behave healthily and accept myself. I will never be a size 8. It just isn't going to happen for me (not with having a normal life anyway- I dare say if I ate only moss and grilled fish I could but life is short!)

I'm not saying your daughter doesnt need to lose weight but I think too she needs something to convince her shes lovely as she is too.

Ahhh, I hope so too! Thanks all

for your dd

I was and am still a bit overweight and I agree doctors make you feel incredibly rubbish about it. I lost 27 pounds last year but could they even see it no I'm still called overweight ( 5ft4 10 stone 13 and a size 14) I'm avoiding the doctors like the plague too even though I need to go

I think your dd does need to go would she feel more comfortable seeing a doctor with you? Maybe you can say we are well aware of the bmi and are working on it can we view this pain as a standalone issue before the appointment. Gall stones happen to people of all shapes and sizes my mother is a size 8 and had hers removed last year. The periods I don't think are connected to it and may unfortunately due to her bmi but as you said she's working on it.

All you can do is say you love her and you don't want her to be in pain and actively encourage her to go.

I read the thread last night and thought immediately that your daughter should be checked for PCOS. I could quite easily put a stone on in a week. Especially around my period. She sounds exactly like me as a teen. It was awful. I can also understand where she is coming from regarding her weight and talking to doctors. Doctors have a glorious habit of ignoring every symptom and blaming weight. I was told for years to just lose weight and I would be fine. I tried everything. I broke down entirely in a GP's office and demanded to see someone regarding PCOS. I was sent to a specialist privately within 2 weeks who found 3 ovarian cysts, the largest was the size of a melon. All I felt was relief. All the pain, the problem periods, acne, weight everything was finally explained. Even if it isn't PCOS she is in a lot of pain and needs you to be her advocate. I remember well being her age and the embarrassment of going to a doctor only to be told your fat, lose weight you will be grand. I wish my mam had pushed it, pushed me to keep pushing the doctors because I felt I had been fobbed off and there was no point in seeing a doctor.

If she is screaming in pain she needs to see a professional and she needs to do it now. That amount of pain is not weight related so tell the GP to focus on that. Find her a doctor or a nurse she feels comfortable with. If she joins SW she doesnt have to be weighed. If she wants to she can go my her measurements or her clothes. Throw the scales away if its affecting her that much and causing anxiety. I should add that i began to secretly eat after the 3rd time a doctor told me my problems were in my head and to lose weight. Then I learned to binge and purge. I hid food, bought it and binged and purged in my room. Sometimes I would just binge. Its something I struggle with now.

You need to find out if the periods, the pain and BMI are all related. The pain of ovarian cysts and endometriosis is horrendous. If you can ring your gp and tell them you want a referral to an Endocrinologist and a scan for gallstones and ovarian cysts asap. Don't take no for an answer. My endocrinologist never weighed me. He knew my bmi was high from looking at me. He actually listened and I am forever grateful to him .

Also IBS can be horrendously painful. I have had days where it feels like i am in labour. Ibs can be linked to pcos as well as the bowel is affected by the levels of progesterone. Might not be gallstones but one way or another she needs to see someone. Would she let you go in with her. Sometimes we all need a little back up.