Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask dd to pay for own flight?

386 replies

bornwithaplasticspoon · 16/02/2016 09:16

We're planning a 3 week trip abroad next year. Dd1 will have just turned 19 and will be living at home while studying. She has a part time job earning roughly £200 a month.

We've decided that she should contribute the £600 for her flight and we'll pay food, accommodation and days out expenses.

I mentioned this to a friend with a dd of the same age and she seemed astonished that we would ask for a contribution.

Dd seems to think it's unfair too but says she'll think about it. She's a great girl who does a lot to help us with younger dc.

What does everyone think and how have you dealt with the situation of taking older children on holiday?

OP posts:
ELLNEW1698 · 16/02/2016 11:53

Why would it be tongue in cheek?

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 16/02/2016 11:54

yaBU

ProcrastinatorGeneral · 16/02/2016 11:54

Answer the bloody questions bornwith, why do you treat your daughter so badly compared to your son? Why don't you want her to come? Why are you being so damn avoidant?

I pity your children, they'll never have a decent relationship with each other because if a bunch of strangers can pick up on how differently they're treated, you can bet your boots they can.

AutumnLeavesArePretty · 16/02/2016 11:55

Noton, I thought it was tongue in cheek too. You don't get your DD excited about a holiday abroad for her 18th with family and then make here and her brother pay for it.

bluespiral · 16/02/2016 11:58

How dreadful.

Why on earth are you going long haul and then asking for money - why didn't you choose a more affordable holiday where you could pay for her?

It just astounds me. I'm so glad to have my parents.

Postchildrenpregranny · 16/02/2016 11:58

My DCs (30 and 26) still sometimes come on family holidays (not usually abroad though DD1 did accompany us to friends' house in Spain a couple of years ago-we paid for flight as her birthday present) I would not dream of asking for a contribution as neither is well paid . DD1s bf(at the time) come on our last holiday Again I did not expect him to contribute to food, petrol, meals out or a share of the rent
I think you are being a bit harsh I assume its long haul so you cant be desperately short of money?

JessieMcJessie · 16/02/2016 11:58

To be fair to the OP (who is without doubt being very mean to her DD) "compensating" the son is not extra because the kids who go on hols will have a lot of money spent on them for food and accommodation so it's just giving him the same. and I think that the holiday in relation to which the son got money was not this one, so perhaps DD did not pay for her own flight for that.

OP stop being arsey about the questions. What people mean about answering them is is "why are you not engaging properly with the numerous pieces of reasoned advice and comments people have taken the time and effort to post"?

MaidOfStars · 16/02/2016 11:58

ELL Did you recently sockpuppet as your daughter?

ELLNEW1698 · 16/02/2016 11:58

I didn't make her, before we booked we said we couldn't afford to pay we all then agreed we would pay equally, my dd was completely fine with paying in fact she suggested it but when I saw she was struggling we reduced it. Trust me I would have loved to pay for all of it but its not possible.

Original poster
bornwithaplasticspoon · 16/02/2016 12:00

This is the first time we've considered asking for a contribution. Ds got cash because he didn't want to come so he had money instead, he wanted to buy a computer rather than go somewhere with his friends. Fair enough. If dd didn't want to come we'd do the same so she can go somewhere herself or use the money for whatever she wants. Drivinglessons have already topped £1000 and we've just paid for the third test. Dh has been looking at cars and said he'll help her get on our insurance if she can't afford one. She is very well looked after, has all the gadgets and we do loads together as a family.

OP posts:
JessieMcJessie · 16/02/2016 12:03

Whatever. The contribution you are suggesting is more than she can afford so you are effectively blocking her from coming.

bigbluebus · 16/02/2016 12:03

And there was me trying to decide if me and DH can afford to go on holiday for 1 week this year as we are supporting DS at University and know that if we go away, he will want to come too and we will have to pay for him. I wouldn't have the heart to tell him he can't come as otherwise he won't get a holiday at all.
OP, I am mystified as to why you would give your DS money because he chooses not to come on holiday with you. Clearly you have money to spare so on that basis, I think YABU to make your DD pay £600 when her income is so limited.

ELLNEW1698 · 16/02/2016 12:05

MaidofStars what do you mean??

notonyurjellybellynelly · 16/02/2016 12:05

ELL Did you recently sockpuppet as your daughter

Now she'll be really confused. Grin

Stumbletrip40 · 16/02/2016 12:06

i think the point is that Op would prefer her DD not to come because it would be cheaper (albeit no babysitter) and failed to offer the same incentive she offered to her DS for her not to come. I'm sure Op does understand that she's asked for too much from her DD now.

gonegrey56 · 16/02/2016 12:06

Really, really mean of you to be charging your DD so much. So unkind and insensitive.

MaidOfStars · 16/02/2016 12:06

ELL A previous post where you say you are 17, earning £5 per hour in a childcare job?

notonyurjellybellynelly · 16/02/2016 12:06

MaidofStars what do you mean

See what I mean.

Original poster
bornwithaplasticspoon · 16/02/2016 12:07

I'm reading this out to dh. Thanks for your opinions.

OP posts:
TheFairyCaravan · 16/02/2016 12:08

bornwith didn't you post recently that your DD is going to uni next year? After seeing the change in DS2 since he went in September I'd say it's highly unlikely that she will want to come on holiday with you. Not only that, how is she going to keep her job on if she's moving away from home?

ELLNEW1698 · 16/02/2016 12:09

Ahh I let her use my account as she needed advice and as I didn't have a clue I though it would help

MaidOfStars · 16/02/2016 12:10

OP, can you (roughly) breakdown the following:

This trip: the estimated total cost for your daughter to come (£1200 flight, accommodation cost? trips? etc?). What is your elder DS doing? Not coming, no money given in lieu?

Last trip: the estimated total cost for your son to have come. How much money did you give him? Did you DD come with you? Did she pay anything?

Lweji · 16/02/2016 12:11

As for driving lessons, I'd stop paying for tests and further lessons. But holidays are different.

notonyurjellybellynelly · 16/02/2016 12:11

This is the first time we've considered asking for a contribution

Look, the bottom line is that you've jumped on the 'she is earning now' bandwagon and you're skinning her alive. And its matters not what else you provide for her because its your choice to do those things for her. There is no evening up the scales a bit here.

Give her her holiday with you, and let her go off to Uni with good thoughts in her heart and her head.

Lweji · 16/02/2016 12:12

Importantly, have you considered ever asking your older DS for a contribution?
And does he have any job or earning anything?