Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask dd to pay for own flight?

386 replies

bornwithaplasticspoon · 16/02/2016 09:16

We're planning a 3 week trip abroad next year. Dd1 will have just turned 19 and will be living at home while studying. She has a part time job earning roughly £200 a month.

We've decided that she should contribute the £600 for her flight and we'll pay food, accommodation and days out expenses.

I mentioned this to a friend with a dd of the same age and she seemed astonished that we would ask for a contribution.

Dd seems to think it's unfair too but says she'll think about it. She's a great girl who does a lot to help us with younger dc.

What does everyone think and how have you dealt with the situation of taking older children on holiday?

OP posts:
notonyurjellybellynelly · 16/02/2016 12:13

ELL A previous post where you say you are 17, earning £5 per hour in a childcare job?

Right oh.

notonyurjellybellynelly · 16/02/2016 12:15

*ELL A previous post where you say you are 17, earning £5 per hour in a childcare job?

Right oh.*

Wrong post.

novemberchild · 16/02/2016 12:15

DH and I pay for DD 19 (his stepdaughter) when she does things with us. She has a job, earning about £300 pm, but because she is studying, we'd rather she saves that for her day to day stuff.

We'd definitely pay for a holiday - if you can afford it, then at that age, you probably should. It's not like she's 30.

notonyurjellybellynelly · 16/02/2016 12:15

Ahh I let her use my account as she needed advice and as I didn't have a clue I though it would help

Right Oh.

Nanny0gg · 16/02/2016 12:17

Completely unreasonable OP - tick
Everyone in disagreement - tick
Does not really respond to further questioning - tick
Very short follow-up posts - tick
No insight whatsoever - tick

^^This

Plus, are you just taking her for additional childcare?

I'm answering as many as I can

Actually, the most pertinent question you've been asked so far is - why did your son get money for a computer when he didn't go with you, but your DD has to pay out?

AutumnLeavesArePretty · 16/02/2016 12:18

ELLNEW, why would you suggest a holiday for an 18th knowing you couldn't afford it! Sheer madness. Much better to have done something you could then make them pay for their own celebrations and your holiday.

mumofone1891 · 16/02/2016 12:19

We have 3 age 16 17 & 18 if they go with friends they pay themselves if they come with us we pay.

Chicagomd · 16/02/2016 12:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Nanny0gg · 16/02/2016 12:22

I'm reading this out to dh. Thanks for your opinions.

I think you should be reading it to your daughter.

ELLNEW1698 · 16/02/2016 12:25

She asked if we could go on holiday and picked where to go and although there were cheaper options she liked this one and agreed to pay towards it. She has wanted to go there for a while.

Pidapie · 16/02/2016 12:25

If my parents asked me for a £600 contribution to a family holiday, I probably wouldn't go. That's 3 months earnings for her - would you pay 3 months of your earnings for a holiday? If I invite my child that still lives at home on holiday, I would expect to pay for it. If I discuss it with a child who lives on their own and have their own proper job, I would expect them to pay travel and accommodation themselves, with me probably paying for meals and events out. This is how my parents do it (I'm 27 now) and how I will do it too.

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 16/02/2016 12:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

torthecatlady · 16/02/2016 12:27

Hi OP,
You're getting quite a hard time on here!
I would probably say to her (if she was my dd) that I would pay for this one last holiday (flights, hotels and meals), but encourage to make a contribution however small it might be - Say £50 or just her own spending money for treats and shopping.
I appreciate that you have already spent a lot on your dd from reading your posts.
Perhaps you should encourage her to spend her own money on her driving tests?
I would also be tempted to stop the £20 a week pocket money. Maybe explain to her that you cannot continue to fund her lifestyle, and cut it down to £10 a week, then £5 then nothing over any length of time.
She'll thank you when she's older for making her for more money-savvy.
I think at the moment she may be unhappy because it's gone from all expenses paid holidays to £600 (which is a lot when you're that age!)
Good luck, whatever you decide to do.

EweAreHere · 16/02/2016 12:28

I have three children in primary school. I am part of the first generation that is generally doing worse than our parents' generation (in the west) due to increased job insecurity, decreased social security, smaller/non existent final pensions, sky high property costs, etc. It will be even harder for our children's generation.

I would be trying to make life easier for my daughter, getting her through university with as little debt as possible, etc, so she has a fighting chance out there in a very tough world. I would also share with her experiences she couldn't afford on her own if it was within my reasonable means to do so. LIke a family holiday that the rest of you are going on.

Take her on the bloody holiday if she wants to go and pay her way. She's still a dependent and living at home, and she is your daughter. Yes, you can tell her she will have to share a room with your other daughter, because since that's only sleep time essentially anyway, it's not a big deal. You can make that non-negotiable. But take her and pay her way if she wants to be included. You are her family.

ELLNEW1698 · 16/02/2016 12:28

As I have explained my daughter has previously used my account and also my username is a combination of both my children's names

notonyurjellybellynelly · 16/02/2016 12:30

Ell Your username is pretty much your DD's name and all your others posts are as a 17 yo....yet you're not the 17 year old? hmmconfused

Its so obvious a blatant wind up its not even worth reporting.

LagunaBubbles · 16/02/2016 12:31

If dd didn't want to come we'd do the same so she can go somewhere herself or use the money for whatever she wants

But this doesnt make any sense - it will actually be better in this case for your DD to not come - you will pay her not to come and charge her to come?! Confused

Original poster
bornwithaplasticspoon · 16/02/2016 12:33

It makes perfect sense to us. Kids get to choose family holiday or friends holiday. Or in ds case he bought a computer.

Dh and I are just unsure where it ends. Is it when dc's get full time work?

Ds is full time work and saving for his own place with his girlfriend. He pays us a very small rent. Dh has been saving his rent and wants to use it to help him with marriage/baby/other - whatever comes first.

OP posts:
LagunaBubbles · 16/02/2016 12:37

It makes perfect sense to us. Kids get to choose family holiday or friends holiday

Still not getting it - you will give her money to go on a friends holiday but not pay for her to come on a family holiday, in fact charge her? Why would you want to go on a family then in those circumstances?

Furiosa · 16/02/2016 12:39

DS works full time and will get help financially with the rent you've been getting from him. And he got money for not going on holiday.

Your Daughter who's younger is studying and working but has to pay £600 to go on holiday.

How can you think that's fair?

TeddTess · 16/02/2016 12:39

it seems very odd to me.

it is a family holiday, come along as part of the family (be cheerful, join in, help etc..)

or don't.

very strange to ask for payment
very strange to give ££ for not coming!

how bizarre.

Seryph · 16/02/2016 12:42

Yes, it ends when your ADULT DC have moved out, working full time and no longer need your support.
When you have kids you are committing to a life time of helping them out and being there financially for them for the rest of their lives

I'm 26 and have been living by myself and mostly self-supporting since I was 18. I put myself back through university and still my parents are offering to let me move back in next year rent and bills free (if DP can't move south with me and get a place of our own) while I train to be a teacher. On top of that they are offering to pay for the four of us to go on a holiday this summer as it is my graduation/their 40th anniversary. If we can afford to contribute we will, and as a result have a slightly nicer hotel or whatever. If not I expect we will still pay for dinner at least once.

It's your job as a parent.

Furiosa · 16/02/2016 12:43

I think you are using her age as an excuse to pull the rug from under her. She might be an adult but she is a young one who has not completed her studies and earns very little. She has now spending power yet due to her tiny wage.

Are you trying to give her a hint that she needs to buck up or something?

helenahandbag · 16/02/2016 12:44

Dh and I are just unsure where it ends. Is it when dc's get full time work?

I was working full time when my parents paid for the holiday I mentioned above. I still lived at home though and paid minimal rent.

TondelayaDellaVentamiglia · 16/02/2016 12:46

look it's very simple

your son did not come on holiday and got money instead
your daughter gets to come on holiday IF she contributes

How is it not possible for you to see the difference?

Swipe left for the next trending thread